Feel so let down and Heartbroken

[shotokansho]

Hello everyone.

I really need to vent this, it's eating away at me, and has been doing for six months. I hope I don't bore you all, as this maybe a long post, but I really need advice and as I say to get it off my chest...so here goes..

When I became very ill I had abandoment issues and trust issues, so not a lot of people couldn't really help me properly because I couldn't talk. I never did this on purpose because I needed help more than anything, I just couldn't trust enough with my darkest deepest thoughts.
Anyway I finally found my support worker. She perservered with me and I finally started opening up to her. She was supportive, and never forced me to talk about anything I didn't want to. She always held my hand, when I had to go to the doctors, and when I was admitted to hospital she was there with me every step of the way. She has dried my tears and always been there for a shoulder and a hug. She Helped me budget and helped worked out my finances and debts, she has pointed me in the right direction as far as debts and rents ect go. She has gained my trust, and great respect...so yeah she is a pretty great person.
My problem is this...
When I was admitted to hospital the second time, (nov 09) I sent my children to stay with my mum and step-dad while I was in. It was a bad time because I was self harming and the day after my support worker went on holiday so I had to do it alone. Anyway There is history there with my step-dad, something involving me (i'm sure you can guess what, I don't want to indulge to much). The incident occurred over 20 years ago and it has never been talked about. I have never felt comfortable around him myself but I don't feel like he is a danger. I'm not condoneing what he did it's un-forgivable but he has never done it since, he was sick at the time and he got help and he paid for his mistake and it's over, he will take it to his grave with him, which is a punishment in itself.
My support worker decided to tell social services, she not only did that she betrayed my trust and told them my only deep secret that only she knows. When I was in social services phoned me on the ward and ordered me to tell mum to bring the children back or they would have the police involved and have them removed. This was heartbreaking, I had to finally open this can of worms that had been closed for 20 years...I just wasn't ready to deal with it yet. I had to tell mum to drive them back, and I had to tell her the reason, which hurt everyone. The children went to their fathers but thanks to my support worker I had so much explaining to do. It was horrible.
She almost blew our family to pieces and she caused so much heartache and pain. I was a wreck because I was stuck in the hospital and the doctor wouldn't let me out, I even got myself into trouble by trying to run away.
So now I am suffering with depression because of this because I feel like the trust has gone, I feel like she has ripped something out of me, and now I am an empty shell again. I don't know if I will ever trust again.
I am now sleeping all the time and doing a lot of crying, because now I can't allow my children to stay with their Nana and Grandad who they absolutely adore, not while I am still involved with my support worker. It is my choice weather I am involved with her or not and this is my dilemma. What has happened has set my depression off, like I say it's eating me away and I don't want to be like that again. But can I cope without her? Can I lie to her if mum offers me a break from the children? I am a single mum, I have brought both my boys up alone but I have no other support and mum lives 4 hours drive away...so when she offers the children a weekend holiday or something what do I do? Do I let them go and lie to my support worker or do I tell them they can't see Nana?
I know I can't see my support worker at the moment with the way I am feeling because she knows me so well now she knows straight away if I have a problem. I went to see my GP this morning and tried to walk out with my meds but he wouldn't let me because he could see something was wrong, I burst into tears and was crying uncontrollably. I have been crying all day, I now feel exhausted and have a banging headache and my eyes are sore, in fact the tears are coming now as I type.
I don't know what to do guys. I know she felt it was her job and she has a duty of care...but I can't see past that i'm affraid. I just feel betrayed, let down and heartbroken.

Thanks for listening.

Kez xxxxxxx

[Going home]

I understand how you feel about your support worker, but when there are children involved they have to do their job I guess. She's not as emotionally involved as you are doesn't know or have any feelings for your mum or your step-father so she's going on the fact that if he had done something to one of the children and social services had found out that she knew but hadnt said anything she'd lose her job.

The other side of it is your mum. She must feel devasted, just as you do but she must understand how the law stands on these issues, and although its changed everything, maybe she can find a way to see the children by visiting you where you live instead of them going to her house. As for your step-father, I think youve been very generous towards him after what he did to you...a one off incident or not, he got off lightly. If somebody had reported him at the time then your family would have been 'blown apart' alot sooner.

I think you should concentrate on whats best for the kids and get yourself well for them. If your mum loves you and her grandchildren she'll find a way to stay in their lives without putting you at risk of losing them.

Take care
Anna xxx

[tnt808]

I'm so sorry for all of this Kerry- you're a tough cookie! I know in the end you will always make the decision that's best for your boys- because you are a fabulous Mommy. I am always here for you hun xx:hugs:

[gary_2.0]

I don't feel particularly articulate at the moment so perhaps I might offer a sympathetic hug for now? :hugs: And hope ever thing sorts out in the end.

[shotokansho]

Thank you guys. My brain is in over drive right now, But i'm hoping in a few days it will settle and I will think more clearly. I know a lot of people think my step-dad got off lightly and I guess he did, but I just want a big happy family. If my step-dad wasn't there it wouldn't be good for my mum.
I don't properly understand why or whats or anything of what happened years ago. I'm just glad the family is still together and I would feel very guilty if anything broke it. I already feel to blame and feel guilty cos if I hadn't have told my support worker then this wouldn't have happened.

[joannap]

kerry - you are in no way to blame. the person to blame is your step dad and i am sorry but also your mum (if she knew what had happened to you as a child - how could she stay with a man who had done that to her child?) - your words - "wanting a big happy family" kind of make me feel that this issue has never been dealt with emotionally by yourself - as if you want to forget it ever happened which i can understand. it is also a common response of victims to want to protect the perpertrators and worry about their feelings but where was your protection/reassurance when this happened and whilst you have been coping for the past 20 years? if it had all blown up 20 years ago - it probably would have been better to be honest.

i do not want to sound harsh its just that you seem to be making excuses for what happened and i think that this will play a huge part in your depression - that you are turning the anger that should be being expressed towards your parent figures inwards on yourself. my parents divorced when i was a child and i went through emotional hell (although they did not realise this at the time). I finally realised in my twenties that it was ok to feel angry and devastated with them and i told them just how much it had hurt me - there were lots of tears and it felt awful but it allowed me to move on and heal.

you cannot blame the support worker - she would not have been doing her job if she felt children may be at risk and had not reported it (can you honestly say 100% that this would never happen again?). It is easier for her to look at the situation and act accordingly - i do not mean to sound harsh but perhaps because you are so emotionally involved - you do not realise the severity of what happened to you? There is no excuse for any kind of abuse towards children and if someone has done it once - they should never be trusted again - i really hope this turns out to be a blessing in disguise because i feel that getting madder and realising that your abondonment and trust issues probably lie within your childhood will help you to heal x

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:I know this is difficult for you Kerry but the support worker did absolutley the right thing for you and your boys. By bringing this into the clear light of day, however painful it seems right now, means there is a chance for you all to come to terms with the impact that this had on you as a child and highlights way in which you were let down by the adults in your life. Stay strong Kerry. :flowers:

Veronicax

[joannap]

veronica probably put it better than me! i was just so angry on your behalf when i read your post - you just focus on getting well for your boys xx:)

[shotokansho]

I don't know what to do :weep: I just think it has been to long. I want to hate my support worker for what she did, but at the same time she is my rock. It just makes me cry and get angry but I really don't want to blame anybody. Just I think If I wasn't there or never confided in anyone things would still be ok.

I totally understand what you are all saying about my support worker, but this is a trust issue. I can't trust anymore. She is amazing though.

[ladybird64]

Kerry I totally get what you mean by this..I know what happened was the right thing but that doesn't help you with the feeling that the one person you could open up to has been the biggest let down.

Perhaps look at this from a different angle hun. For you, this is probably the absolute worse scenario that could have happened.

You trusted her with something that she had no choice but to pass on..it is her job and they usually warn you that if certain information is confided that may cause a risk to kids then they will have to inform the authorities.

So if this is the worst thing that could happen, is it safe to say that you can talk to her without fear of anything else going wrong? You have nothing left to fear and I honestly think you need to talk to her about this, let her know how you feel.

You have a good relationship with her apart from this..maybe you can build it up again. I can see what a terrible burden this is for you hun..and I'm also guessing you are wondering how you can explain all this to your boys when they have always been in contact..I don't know hun.

Your support worker is there for justthat..to support you. Ask her what you need to do and how you deal with this so you dont feel so guilty.

You shouldnt have to shoulder this alone. :hugs:

[onceagain]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, but whilst you feel that she has let you down, the fact is, had the tables been turned would you be able to rest at night knowing that a man had done that and there were children with him. I know it is your family and it hasn't happened again, but, I think deep down most of us would have to be honest and once children are involved no one would take the risk.

I hope you will eventually find it in you to see that she didn't betray you, she only did what her conscience told her to do, how would you expect her to forgive herself if any harm had come to your children knowing she had that information to protect them. She would have had to do this under the law they only have to keep information confidential unless there is a risk of harm to yourself or others and she had to divulge this information.

It sounds to me that she has helped and supported you alot and that you had a great rapport going.. please find it in you to see that she had to do what she did and that it goes to show how much she has listened to you.. remember, the press are always reporting how those people who could have protected a child or children failed in their duty.

Good luck I truly hope you and your family can overcome all of this coming out, maybe it should be seen as a cleansing, you are right what he did was not right and you have forgiven him and trust him with your children, the question is can you find that same forgiveness for someone who was looking out for you.

Hugs

[shotokansho]

Thank you everyone. Now I feel bad for letting my boys go, knowing he was there too! But honestly guys please do not judge me. I genuinly feel from my heart that they are safe. It was either that or send them to their fathers and that would have been worse. I am calming down a little from it now. I think I'm just going to live with it and leave it well alone, I don't want to loose my support worker, she is the only person I have left as a support system as I have been discharged from every where else. This is such a scary aspect, I just don't want to be alone.
You know I thought I was ok with what happened 20 odd years ago, but I am clearly not. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with it. It's always rearing it's ugly head.

[ASH65]

Kerry honey,
firstly I feel your pain,confusion and deep sense of responsibility.that sense does you great credit.but as victims of abuse(me too ages 4-11) we take ALL the blame.i can feel that from within this situation you are doing that.in some ways i was more fortunate in that the sexual abusers were not family members,so there is no confusion of love and betrayl,i just hate them.my concern is that you have in some way carried all this for so long and still blame yourself for the consequences of what someone did to you,and that is so wrong.my father beat us all terribly.yet i still protected him and defended him.its very hard for anyone who hasnt had this dichotomy to comprehend anything other than the event that has taken place.your support worker had no choice to make,but i can see how it has opened a deep wound that you wanted to stay closed.
i have no answers just immense compassion for you xx

[joannap]

it will always rear its ugly head until it has been dealt with and i know it must feel terrible but these things never stay secret forever (how much more awful would it be if it had come out when your boys were a lot older and had questioned you about letting them stay under a roof where that had taken place to you as a child?) and i am sure it would have come out at some time. The thing is - people do think they are fine - i thought i was fine until my twenties about my parents divorce - it took that long to hit me so try and look at this situation as a blessing in disguise - the worst has now happened and you can start to move forward. perhaps you are directing your anger at your social worker instead of being angry with your step dad? it would be a shame to end the relationship you have with her when in hindsight - you will see that she was actually trying to protect you and your boys x

[hopers]

i know exzacly how that feels i have spent the last 12 months trying to undo the troble that my cpn has corsed and she calles it " duty of care" its liek the controol is taken away from you and you do oose trust it that person i noe waont see or speek to my cpn or my phyciatrist becasue of this its pised me of the fact thta yr going thorw it to my dear kerry yr a great loving strong person only you no the right answer to thins yo u are the persnt if you feel that the boys artn at risk then let them see there nana but if you have slightest pce of doubt then dont i know that you would never let those boys get hurt and i trust that your strong enuff to deal witht his situathion you are and i no it feels like you have lost controll but you havent please please dont be so hard on yr self i love you hunny adn think of you offten you no that there are so meny epople on here that cear for you and yr not alonein this

getting advice is great and i know it sucks but the distion lies in yr mind hunny

hopers

ps tx me co i have to kerrys in my fone and i dont no wich one is wich huggels hunny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx