chilljill
15-06-10, 03:05
hello to all... first thank you to the administrators for coming up with such a site...I truly believe that I stumbled upon No More Panic for a reason during my search or should I say research for yet another med change per doc recommendation after today's visit to his office. Well pretty much I have had panic anxiety and some OCD, PTSD, PMDD and depression for over 30 years. I have only been treated for it for the last 10 yrs....before that I was pretty much too embarrassed or was told I was crazy or a hypochondriac. Presently I am on Zoloft 100mg (1xday), zyrtec 10mg (1xday), levothyroxine 75 mcg (1 a day), Zanax .5mg (3xday or as needed), multivitamin, fish oil and slow fe (iron supplement) I hate pills...I do not like taking them, looking at them, counting them, getting them ready for the week etc...I make sure someone around me always knows and sees when I take them. Most of my panic attacks are started by a random thought and then that triggers me into a spiral or irrational thoughts and fears. It has truly hampered the quality of my life and affected many of my relationships with friend and family. I want to do so many things and go so many places but my anxiety pretty much always gets in the way and I fall to giving in and backing out of plans made, etc. I love God, but still have what ifs and worries and feel great guilt....due to the meds I am on for some reason I can't feel most of my body, it is numb, I can't cry (and I have had 5 very close friends and family die within the last 3 months) and feel as if I am in a fog and desensitized to everything around me...I want to enjoy my children and find my smile again...I do not know who to trust anymore and have abandonment issues as well. I need to have somewhere to vent these things so that I don't convince myself I am nuts...I shut everyone out and have built walls for safety and have noticed lately that I have even locked me out as well. I have been through much abuse and trauma and have done things and said things I should not have when I was younger...I have tapes in my head that are playing over and over again and i just wish they could be erased so I could forgive myself and others and move forward... I hate the anticipation of when the next Panic attack is going to blindside me... I need coping skills and preventive strategies... I want to take a proactive healthy approach to living again...and being normal whatever that is and feels like ... I just know it must not be what I am feeling... I have been to many therapists, supports groups, doctors and listened to and purchased tapes, videos etc.... I am now finding that my daughters have this as well, and I wonder did my having them cause them to get them or is it genetic... i dont understand the science behind anxiety and how to fix me and feel helpless that I cannot fix them and I know they truly do not want meds. Because of side effects such as 50lbs weight gain and loss of any sensation and libido, and pretty much desensitized to everything and living in a fog the doctor has decided to switch me from the zoloft to wellbutrin SR 100mg (2 a day) and keeping all my other meds in place...I am worried because of course I researched a bit and it freaked me out and I need to just chat with someone who has been there and knows what things mean ... the pharmacy says they only have the generic Budeprion SR 100mg...and I guess that the base ingredient is the same but I am terrified of trying it because of the side effects that I may get from fillers in a generic and the new med like I got with effexor, paxil, prozac, celexa, etc... Please if there is anyone out there that can at least understand how I feel and may have some advice I as well as my family and those that are left around me would be so appreciative. I hope I did not write too much but that is part of me, I talk alot when I am nervous and when I am in panic I shutdown and just freak out inside my mind and honestly it just sucks....no one knows how to help me and I do not know how to explain what they can even do to help me if they still wanted too... people have given up on me, I cannot give up and refuse to now that this stupid thing is bothering my kids... I grieve the past that I have lost to anxiety... I do not smoke , do not drink alcohol or caffeine, do rec drugs or anything really unhealthy... I am pretty much numb already from the stupid meds that is until I get a PA....
Blessings to all,
Jill that everyone tells me to just chill.
Blessings to all,
Jill that everyone tells me to just chill.