Will I ever be able to fit in here?

[sas85]

Hi,

I'm pretty new to this forum but am glad I found it. I'll describe my personal situation and if anyone has any advice that would be great!

Since adolescence when I had the choice to isolate myself, I have done so and now as a mid-20 something I'm still stuck feeling I have no option but to stay in the bubble I have created for myself. Since I was younger I have dreamt about being rich and famous and how much better I would feel when I achieved this. I know this is quite an unrealistic ambition to have particularly as I have no desire to be famous for no reason and I am unsure I have a talent that I could try to achieve fame with.

But when I try to concentrate on being in the real world, I find it so uncomfortable that I rush back to hide at home. I live with my Father which is not great as I resent him still quite a bit for how he neglected me as a child. So i'm still living in a negative environment but at times the safety net of that feels better than pushing myself to survive

I'm seeing a psychologist and whilst she is helpful she is more or less telling me to suck it up and try more realistic avenues of work.

I just can't relate to people and I worry that is too late to re-learn this.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Lately I just feel there is no point...

[daybyday]

You are very welcome here. Maybe your dream to be rich and famous is more that you want to be accepted, noticed and loved. Well, you are wise to know rich and famous has its own dilemmas. Accepted, noticed and loved is a human need. I am so sorry you and your father did not have a dad/daughter relationship of what you wanted and needed.
In your bubble is the place you know best, how to function there. Anything outside of that is uneasy for you. A learned way of living to cope.
Never too late. I am 54 and though I am down today, I hear about others re-learning a new way of thinking and living.
Your life has a point. You are here at this time, generation for a reason. Stay with us here, gain insight and you will come out of your bubble and be an example and help to the next hurting soul.

[sas85]

You are very welcome here. Maybe your dream to be rich and famous is more that you want to be accepted, noticed and loved. Well, you are wise to know rich and famous has its own dilemmas. Accepted, noticed and loved is a human need. I am so sorry you and your father did not have a dad/daughter relationship of what you wanted and needed.
In your bubble is the place you know best, how to function there. Anything outside of that is uneasy for you. A learned way of living to cope.
Never too late. I am 54 and though I am down today, I hear about others re-learning a new way of thinking and living.
Your life has a point. You are here at this time, generation for a reason. Stay with us here, gain insight and you will come out of your bubble and be an example and help to the next hurting soul.

Thanks for your response. I agree with you that wanting to be famous is wanting to feel loved etc but I do wonder if that's the only reason I yearn for it or if I genuinely feel that's the right path for me.

You say everyone has a purpose but I'm really struggling to find what mine is. I struggle to work a standard 9-5 so I was thinking about going into work where I help other people - social work or counselling but then I start feeling resentful that I've struggled to cope throughout my life and that in choosing to do this type of career, I'll forever be in these negative environments, trying to help people. How can I help people, if I can't help myself?!

I stay in my house all day, listening to music for comfort and sometimes overeating which just reinforces all these negative feelings i have about myself. I feel like I take a step out but never feel content with my efforts and so take 2 steps back.

[daybyday]

It is true that we can't give out something we don't have ourselves.....yet.....
I too want to help people out of anxiety. But I am not there myself...yet...
Sound like me...as my psych. put it....too hard on ourselves for each small step we take.
You are going to work each day and that is a step in being faithful and committed to something,

[sas85]

It is true that we can't give out something we don't have ourselves.....yet.....
I too want to help people out of anxiety. But I am not there myself...yet...
Sound like me...as my psych. put it....too hard on ourselves for each small step we take.
You are going to work each day and that is a step in being faithful and committed to something,

I don't work at the moment... haven't worked for a year...

[daybyday]

Sorry, I read you said, I struggle to work a standard 9-5. Misunderstood. Apologize.

[fretty freda]

hi my luv what do you do whilst alone all day every day ? i manage to get out for a few hours a day i dont socialise though really your not alone everyones different i hope i am right do what makes you happy ? what does make u feel happy?

[ElizabethJane]

Is it possible to move out of the family home? Much as you love your Dad dearly you are not able to grow and become your own person whilst living at home. I know it might not be financially possible to move out. I felt emotionally stifled before I left home and needed to separate myself from my parents difficulties. I'm sure that you have a lot to give and need a gentle push to join in the activities that you enjoy. It is suprising how friendly you will find strangers. You will not be alone for long.

[sas85]

Is it possible to move out of the family home? Much as you love your Dad dearly you are not able to grow and become your own person whilst living at home. I know it might not be financially possible to move out. I felt emotionally stifled before I left home and needed to separate myself from my parents difficulties. I'm sure that you have a lot to give and need a gentle push to join in the activities that you enjoy. It is suprising how friendly you will find strangers. You will not be alone for long.

Thanks. I have thought about moving out and a few months back I tried it but I found it so overwhelming that I came back home. I'm now thinking about studying and so to move out at this point would make this alot harder. But I'm not even 100% sure about studying. I wish I could just feel really confident and decide on a direction to take instead of feeling so lost all the time. I want more than anything to just be able to work a job, move out, become independent and find myself so to speak, but in an everyday sense i find this really hard especially when a big bulk of working involves socialising and commitment - both of which i lack the skills for and struggle with.

[sas85]

hi my luv what do you do whilst alone all day every day ? i manage to get out for a few hours a day i dont socialise though really your not alone everyones different i hope i am right do what makes you happy ? what does make u feel happy?

well I get up late and spend most of the day on my laptop - looking at various pointless websites such as celeb gossip sites and listening to music, eating, just being very inactive really. I try and make myself take a long walk sometimes but when you come back to nothing and the same negative feelings i sometimes really can't motivate myself to even do that.

I feel happy when I sing along with my favourite singers but mostly I feel this big void in me. I don't know how to have fun anymore. It's been so long since I've let myself.

[StoneMonkey]

Hi Sas85,

You already fit in here as you have posted eloquently and people have responded.
There is a lot of knoledge and experience here. Even if people have not been able to fix themselves completely they can be a great help.
I have never wanted to be famous. Im sure it would bring all sorts of new problems.
Being rich would take the pressure off but I would still have my issues.
With modern technology it has become very easy to fill the day without stepping out into the real world.
This is a gift to some but can be a hinderance.

I hope you find support and direction here.
Simon.

[sas85]

Thinking more and more about ending life being the only way out of this. The negative thoughts are just too overwhelming. Everywhere I turn, I feel out of place and I feel like the feelings I developed as a neglected child are so deeply imprinted that I'll never be happy. There's such this massive void of love within me and I can't seem to fill or fix it. I don't know how to fit in and in a way I don't want cos I feel it's not staying true to myself. I'm obsessed with how I look and I never feel I look or am good enough.

I see a psychologist once a week and I still feel like this. Well, what else is there.....?

[Gordon64]

Keep strong Sas 85

I have been there as have many others on this site-you will emerge from this and have a better understanding of this which is when you could consider getting into counselling etc... cos you will empathise with these people rather than resent their troubles.

Depression is a very self absorbing illness and sometimes it will seem better to not keep going on but it is NEVER worth it.Not trying to pile on the guilt as that's the last thing you need but think of those you would leave behind to cope with the aftermath. Obviously I cannot put myself in your shoes or fully understand your issues but I have felt the way you're feeling and have had a lot of shit these past few years which I won't go into but I am still here and so must you be.

Try to force yourself out into the open_I know it's difficult but it does help and there are more people out there willing you on than you reckon-espec on this website which I am so glad I found.

Keep fighting-you will get through this-and yes I find music is as good as any pill too...

Gordon