View Full Version : I'm pregnant and terrified. Please help me
Hello,
I am crying as I am writing this, I just cant go through this anymore. I have had 3 abortions and 3 miscarriages and I am terrified of being pregnant. Each time I think I want a baby, but when I become pregnant I hate it and want it gone. I am 7 weeks pregnant. I thought that I was miscarrying 2 days ago (and was actually relieved) and so had a scan. It turns out that the baby is fine. All it has done has freaked me out and made me not want it anymore. I have had councelling, but it doesnt work. They put it down to my child hood. Please help me, I am at my wits end and just dont know what to do. I cant tell anyone how I am feeling. I havent even told my husband, I've got this awful dirty secret that I cant tell anyone. I am disgusted with myself.
Joy,
I am so sorry to hear the struggle you are going through. I too have an intense fear of pregnancy and this has caused so much internal pain.
I became pregnant when I was 17 and had an abortion as well. I am now 34 and feel time is running out and seeing friends have babies just fuels my anxiety even more and more. This is a daily struggle and my husband has been so supportive yet he is so tired of hearing it. He is actually leaning towards not wanting kids because of various reasons. Although it helps me to know he married me not for procreation purposes only, I still struggle in making sure we make the right decision. It is so tough.
I also have gone to therapy for it and sadly have not had progresss with this fear. Mine stems from childhood too because I witnessed my mother go through some very traumatic pregnancies when I was young. I suffer from GAD and OCD and I do have some friends that are very much mentally sound, that have admitted to me they are sturggling with this same fear. That has helped me a bit to realize normal people are afraid as well, but with my disorders this fear is magnified so much.
I sway back and forth because I struggle to imagine myself as a mother and I also fear my GAD will especially impact my children. I literally obsess and obsess about every aspect of parenthood which is an awful cycle.
There is a thread here that Peach has started. She has been so brave because she suffers severe Tokophobia as well and is about to have her first baby any day now. She has been so kind to post her endeavor out here in hopes of helping fellow sufferers.
I am sorry I cannot help you with this situation, but you are FAR FAR braver than I in that you have become pregnant. Every month I go through the same mess of fearing that I am. I am angry with myself and feel so awful for my husband. But all I can say is that things happen for a reason and hopefully one day I will have the answer to this mess.
Don't judge yourself badly at all. You are brave to be going through all that you have and just have faith that was meant to happen will. There are so many others that feel the same and just remember you are not alone.
Praying for you and I hope you keep us updated with how you are doing. Just keep faith that the right outcome will happen for you.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I can relate to every single thing you have said.
I too obsess about motherhood and question if I really want it or not. I worry that this is just a smoke screen for the fact that I dont want to be a Mother.
I hve so many things going on in my head at the moment I feel like I just dont want to wake up in the morning. I jsut want to make this all go away. Sadly the only way to make it go away is an abortion and I fear I will go down that route.
I too feel so sad for my husband because he wants a child and may never have one. I have to keep this dirty little secret from him and I feel so awful.
I am not brave at all. I am the most far extreme of opposite that you can get from it. You are 34, so you still have time and who knows like you say you may get your head around all of this before it is too late and may end up having a child. Like you say, have faith. I on the other hand am 38 and thought I should give it a try before it's too late. But I think that it already is too late for me. I know that now.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to me. x
Aww, hun, I feel so much for you and I wish there was an answer or a magic pill I could give us to make this nightmare go away.
Don't ever put yourself down. You are incredibly strong with what you are currently going through and have in the past. People that do not suffer like us can never walk in our footsteps and despite feeling like we are weak and failures we are strong. So never put yourself down.
38 is still very young. So many women are pushing it further and further and many are choosing not to pursue it at all. I know a woman that had her first at 46! It was a beautiful pregnancy too.
Our society puts FAR FAR too much pressure on us. Men and women both and throw GAD and other issues in there and it makes things harder. It is a HUGE decision to have children today, anxiety or not. We are fortunate that we have friends that have babies and others that are caught in the crossroads like us. I have had one "so called" friend that was very cruel and made the comment for me to get off the "Diva Train" and have one. She made very hurtful comments that women that do not have kids are not true women :weep: I am the most feminine person I know and this was gut wrenching to hear. My husband is so laid back so he tries to tell me not to dwell but it is hard. People that make such comments are miserable in there own lives and say these things to help them cope with their issues. We live in such a cruel and judgemental society.
I understand that your husband is keen on having children, have you ever thought of adoption? I think adoption is a beautiful thing whether someone has fears like us or not. I have always planned on adoption as being part of my life if I choose motherhood. I know it is hard, but perhaps you should really sit down with your hubby and discuss the pain you are going through? It would take some weight off you and help him to better understand what this is doing.
Please just don't beat yourself up over this. There is so much to consider especially with how the world is going now. Sometimes I feel it is a blessing and a curse that we have so many options today. There are so many people that need love that are already in this world too that you could provide, children and adults! Life is so complicated today and I know I could invest my time in various other places that would appreciate my nurturing skills and same for you!
Whatever you choose you have much support and please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk with. Keep your chin up and make the best decision for you. I know what is right will happen.
All the best, hun, and hope you keep us informed on how you are doing.
xoxoxoxoxox
Hi. Im really sorry to hear about what youre going through at the moment.
You obviously want a child because you keep putting yourself into this situation. Try and take some time out of your day and write down what you think a child will bring to your life. It seems to me that once youre pregnant youre forgetting these reasons.
Whatever you decide it'll be the right decision for you right now. Dont beat yourself up about it.
hello joygun,
i noticed this post and want to let you know that i really do know how you feel.
i have been on this website for about 5 years now because of my severe childbirth and pregnancy fear.
i have another thread on here which i started to hopefully help others in our shoes.
whenever you want to chat, pls message me, i check this website every day.
i have also had a termination out of fear in the past, im 36 yrs old and have put my hubby and myself through hell for years with this issue. im facing it now.
pls pm me any time you like. if i can do this, you certainly can too. pls believe this. if you read my posts from the last few years, i have come a long way!
pls dont loose faith!
also, just to let you know i found a great book called 'childbirth without fear' im just upto chapter 7 but its been an amazing read so far! and just reading it seems to be helping me calm down.
my hubby too wanted a baby, and i felt just awful that i wasnt going to give him such a gift because of my fear.....
pls contact me if you want to chat. i can also give you my email address if you perfer to chat that way...your def not alone with this.:hugs:
Thank you all so much. I cant even see the screen because I am crying so much. I had an abortion booked for today but cancelled it, I need to give myself more time to get my head around this. I wish it ( I dont like to call it "it", I know its a baby, but I cant associate it with a baby you see) would just leave me. I cant go through this anymore. Why cant it just know that I want it to leave me. I am not worthy of it, I know that. God forgive me.
I have just been to my Doctor this morning, because I was told by the hospital that I should go. He just looked at me and said " I thought we'd sorted all this out" and asked me if I was thinking of "harming myself" He said he didnt think there is much he can do for me and "did I want an abortion". He said that I should tell my husband and it wasm morally wrong not to. He also said that I should contact the Mental Health people. I am not crazy I am just full of fear and it is the fear that is taking over. He couldnt wait to get me out of his surgery. He made me feel like a complete freak. I feel even worse and I didnt think that was possible.
I am so glad that I came onto this website as I know I am not alone. I am so terrified today, I dont know what to do. I have never felt so alone. x
what a total loser your doctor is!!!!
get rid of him right now and find a good doctor, no, a great doctor who will understand and help you love. i cant believe he gets paid to treat patients like that!!!! makes me mad!!!
pls dont take on his stupid advice. he obviously has no idea and shouldnt be a doctor if he cant help people. there are great doctors out there who will be able to support you!
i had to go through 3 till i found a good one. i really wanted to terminate for the first 10 weeks also, i didnt sleep well, i kept waking up crying, but, i just took each day as it came.....and i felt a little better each day. by the 3rd month i honestly became ok with being pregnant. dont worry about not connecting with your baby, i still find the whole thing a bit weird lol.
i also felt not deserving of a baby either, so pls know you are not alone with this. just take a breath, have a shower, or bath, and breath for a bit, try not to think....then when you feel a bit better, go find a good doctor, dont settle for anyone less....
your right, your not crazy, your scared, like so many of us. fear does not make you weak in any way! this i learned recently. i also learned not to apoligise for my condition. mine, like yours came from childhood....ive been seeing a great psychiatrist and a really great midwife, plus all the support on here has been fantastic too.....
i really do know how you feel, i was there only 6 months ago.....
Oh God. Just want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up. Words do not describe how I am feeling today. I am one messed up girlie. Supposed to be going to get my hair cut in 20 minutes, dont even want to look in a mirror at myself.
I feel so ill and so tired. I'm tired of trying to act normal in front of people.
I am so scared as well, because at the moment I have no maternal feelings towards this baby whatsoever, so what is the point of putting myself through this. I think if my husband ever found out about an abortion, things would never be the same between us again. It may even break us and I love him so so much. He is all I've got. He says he wants a baby that is our flesh and blood, so you see, I cant adopt. I cant talk to him, because he thinks it is because of him and the fact that "I have his flesh and blood inside me.
Even if I did go through this, I am so scared that I will not love it. Who is to say with the way I am feeling that I will.
Just cant do it, how do I do this, what do I do????? Like my Doctor said, i have only 2 options and I need to decide now.
Go and see a female doctor. I think youve got more chance of them actually understanding what youre going through than a male one.
Please dont worry about having no maternal instinct towards it. It doesnt mean when the baby is born you wont feel anything. This is your fear making itself stronger than any of your other emotions.
Do you really think I would love it because at the moment I have no feelings to wards it and its hard to imagine automatically loving something that I dont even know. I have been telling myself that I dont want children and I am beginning to believe it. I have completely forgotten how I felt before I was pregnant.
I think my doctor is getting fed up with me. He's heard it all before and he referred me to Psychotherapy and the last time I saw him I was asking to be referred for investigation as I had had 3 miscarriages which I have an appointment for the outcome in 2 weeks time by the way which he inferred that I probably shouldnt attend, but I still think it is my right to know why I have had the miscarriages. This is separate from my fear which he so doesn't get. So what must he think now when I go to him to tell him that I am pregnant and not happy, he expected me to be happy and the first thing he said was "I thought we had sorted all this out" and and as he didnt know what he could do for me, did I want an abortion? I said no and that I need time. He just said there was nothing he could do, maybe I should contact the Mental Health people that referred me to the Pychotherapy. I feel such a failure and a freak for going. I bitterly regret going to him. I will always be embarrased now when I go to the doctors for whatever reason. I feel so ashamed as he just looked at me and was not sympathetic in the slightest. He wasn't rude just cold and told me I needed to make a decision and that I must tell my husband.
It is easy for him or anyone to say that, but not as simple as that for me. As soon as I tell my husband my choice goes away. At the moment it's all I have to cling on to. As much as he loves me, he could not take an abortion or even talk of an abortion. If I had one, it is best all round that he doesnt know. I am getting myself into a string of lies here but it is the only way for me at the moment. I am not coping at all, but trying to look normal to people at work and my husband etc.
Sorrry to go on, thank you for listening. It just helps to get all this out, because I have no one at all. I have never felt so alone in my life.
Jx
Oh Joy, I feel absolutely terrible you are going through this. I can only imagine what this must feel like and I know I would be the same.
Please do not feel weak or embarrassed. These doctors are so wrong in making you feel worse and being unsympathetic. It seems nobody has any empathy anymore.
I can only imagine the thoughts going through your head. It is such a MASSIVE decision in so many aspects. And not feeling like you can speak to your husband is only adding more negative fuel to this.
This is my personal opinion and only mine. I actually spoke to my own husband about this. I am really thankful he is supportive of me and my fear. Having a child is the decision between both husband and wife. One should not put the pressure on the other. I have seen this with many friends and it only makes the marriage harder. Couples need to remember there are some people that cannot have kids for infertility. If couples love one another they would never leave the other because of this. We marry each other because we love each other. Most couples, myself included, don't talk about kids beforehand and that can become a huge problem in the future. When I met my husband I never even thought about kids and him too. We were so in love with each other as individuals. Of course now it is causing stress cause I am worrying about it.
But in all honesty, it sounds like your husband is putting much pressure on you. You need to really look inside of you and decide what is important. It frightens me a bit that you are afraid to address him. It should not have to be that way and I hate to say this, but addressing it and being open with him will help you to see the type of person he is. This can really open your eyes to many things. Communication is so important in marriage and I am seeing that more and more now since having GAD and it affecting my own relationship. Marriages are tough with or without kids and making sure the marriage is solid only ensures a happy environment when the kids come in.
This is a joint decision and I really hope that you are able to find the best solution for you. We are such overthinkers and it seems whatever choice we make we always question it.
I am praying for you and I can only imagine what you are feeling. You are VERY VERY brave to be going through all these ordeals and coming out here for support. Please never knock yourself down. You have one life to live and I know with me I have been putting others ahead of my own needs. We can never be completely happy and complete until we look out for ourselves first.
Please feel free to PM me anytime. I am also on MSN if you would like to chat. I am so sorry you are feeling so alone but we are all here to support you.
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. Much love and prayers to you :hugs:
hiya,
miscarriages are extremely common. i believe they happen because the body knows there is something wrong with the baby and so expels it. most women have one and possible many more miscarriages in between babies.
im so angry this doctor is treating you like your a freak when your not. i saw a doc once who told me if i was going to have a termination that he was totally against it and that basically i was evil for thinking it...hmmm...did i see him again??? no way!!!
have you tried to see a counciller in your area? maybe a lady one would be good to have a chat too.....maybe you need a break from doc visits for a few weeks and chat to someone who can be supportive and gentle with you. thats what has worked best for me. people who have been positive and gentle.
and my obstetrician who also treated me like i was a freak asked me if i was going to kill myself also- did i want to see her again??? NO. i had to explain to her that i was not suicidal, or depressed, but scared, simply very very scared......some people just dont get it do they? lol.
I think you could love it, once its not a part of your body anymore you'll see it as something other than a cause of anxiety. If worst comes to worst you can have it adopted or ask a family member to look after it.
Im terrifed of getting pregnant, but part of me really wants a baby. I doubt i'll ever try as it just fills me with too much dread at the moment. So I admire your courage for trying.
It's not my husbands fault. It's all mine. You see I wanted a baby or so I thought same as what he does and I thought I could handle it. I thought it would be my last chance because of my age and I've got to try. I thought I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't. You see I regretted the abortions bitterly and have thought for the last couple of years "if only". But now I know why I did them.... I have had 3 miscarriages also, which only messes with my head even more. I always miscarried at 6 or 7 weeks but I have gone past that point now... and to be honest I wish I could miscarry again, because it would then be taken out of my hands.
It's just not his fault, all he wants is to be a normal family. I tried sugessting to him that I may not want children and he does't really accept it. I could probably keep putting it off until it was too late. But, an antother abortion.... that I dont think he will be able to handle. He will never look at me the same again. I should tell him, but I'm so scared this will break us. God I wish this wasn't happening to me. What am I going to do?????
Adoption would not be an option, I would rather not put my self through this hell only to adopt. My husband would love the baby so much anyway. We dont have any family, it's just us.
I'm in such a mess, I feel so ill today. I cant stop thinking about my Doctor, he has knocked me for 6. I wish this wasn't happening to me. I dont want this baby now, but if I have an abortion I will probably regret it for the rest of my life, and have this huge dirty lie that I will have to hide from my husband. This is my worst nightmare.
Thank you all for listening to me, this is all I've got at the moment. Please dont get fed up with me as well.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Joy, I am so sorry you have this terrible dilemma. Can I ask is it the pregnancy itself that scares you or the fear that you won't love the baby when it is born? I was distraught when I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter as I was still recovering from post-natal depression and couldn't face going though it again. I was unhappy throughout and felt no connection with her. I probably would have had a termination if the choice had been mine alone.
And yet, from the minute she was born I loved her. I am sure it would be the same for you if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. It is a terrible situation to be in. The most important thing is you just make the right decision for you, whatever that is, and try to find peace with it. I wish you love x
Thank you all for helping me. At the moment you are all I've got, I know I keep saying it, but I have literally no one.
Jane, I am terrified that I wont love it. The fear is just incredible. I have never felt so much fear in my whole life. I have been through a little lot in my life, but how I am feeling now just takes over everything. I just want it gone, but there is a part of me that is holding me back. I dont love it now, I hate it what it is doing to me, I cant think beyond now. So how will I love it, I'm terrified that I wouldnt love it. I cant think straight, I cant get up in the morning, I dont want to get in the shower, I cant remember anything, I am just in a mess.
I've always told my best friend about the last times that I was pregnant, I wont tell her now because she just gets angry with me, but she always kept saying just think about the end result. Well I just cant, because all my head keeps telling me is that I dont want it.
I feel like I am a freak. My doctor as much said so.
LOL xxx
Joy, you are not a freak! You really have to try to ignore what your doctor said, some of them are just so lacking in compassion. Do you have any idea where this fear of not loving your baby comes from, the root of it? Could you contact the mental health team today? I really think you need to talk to someone xx
When I'm not pregnant, I want a child... or at least I think I do. When I'm not pregnant, I know it's hard when I am, but I always think I can do it. It's only when I am actually in it, the real nightmare begins. But when I am not pregnant, I dont remember this nightware, It's like I almost forget the feelings I had. If I think logically, I know I probably want it, but I cant think logically when the fear is so great. It is a vicious circle.
I have had Psychotherapy in the past for this fear, which to be honest, helps while I am in the session, but the fear is so great, it just takes over everything.
I have a counselling session today with a counsellor... nothing to do with the mental health team. I am not ready to contact them. I am not mental, I am scared. I dont want to be labelled.
I think it is to do with change, I am not good with change and it gets worse as I get older. I like my life the way it is, but there is just something lacking, a feelling of emptiness sometimes. But I have forgotten all of this now because I am terrified.
I know I need help, but I have learnt from the past that all the talking in the world does not take this problem away. Acceptance is probably the key, but at the moment I am not ready to accept this, not yet......
Thank you x
Hi, the need to control everything and being scared of change is pretty normal with anxiety sufferers. Im exactly the same! I dont think I could deal with being pregnant as I dont think I could cope with the changes in my body. I freak out if I feel a bit off balance! let alone having all the symptoms of pregnancy XD
Please dont think youre mental because you speak to a mental health team. You really arent, theyre just people that can help to talk you through your fears. They wont brand you.
I think you need to see someone now, whilst youre suffering and get them to talk you through your options and hopefully put your mind at rest. If its possible try and speak to a nurse or a female GP at your doctors surgery.
The doctor that I saw last week was supposed to get the midwife to call me to talk me through my fears, he half heartidly thought it might help. Well she hasn't called. I suppose she's got more important things. I'm on my own with this one.
I told my husband everything last night, including the fact that I lied to him and that I am thinking of an abortion. I couldn't lie to him anymore. He was very supportive and said he just didnt want to see me suffering. He would support me whatever decision I make. He was sad, but just loves me I guess. Lol x
Aw I'm so sorry sweetie! I totally understand how you feel. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I had to have an abortion myself because of my fear and I really want to have the baby. You are NOT a bad person! And don't let anyone make you feel like less of a human because of what your going through, it's them who have the problem of lack of compassion not you. And apart from that a man will never understand what your feeling no matter what his degree says.
I think part of the reason women feel such anxieties towards pregnancy and childbirth are because of society and the excellent job they have done of making women feel like childbirth is this unnatural horrific life threatening condition. I know it is little comfort but remind yourself that pregnancy and childbirth is the most natural thing in the world and their most be a reason women are chosen to go through it because we are very able to do so better than men, it's evolution. Their would be no man kind if it wasn't for women, in a a way I think being pregnant is as close to God you can get. You are creating a new life and ONLY you can create that life.
Also, I recently watched this documentary by Ricki Lake that changed the way I saw childbirth. I know some parts were very grizzly but if you can get through that and see it,. when I saw natural childbirth for the first time it was unlike anything I have ever imagined about childbirth, it was beautiful.
Hang in there and remember you are strong, you can do anything you want.
hey,
just thought id check in on you. im so so proud you told your hubby!!! and that he is supportive of you, shows how much he loves you!
it is an incredibly tough decision to make but your certainly not alone. we had a hard time finding people to help me in the first 3 months. i had a doctor who was very nice when you saw him, but he said so many times that he would call me with info on what to do next and id never hear from him!!! it wasnt untill i was 16 weeks that my mum finally said, thats it, were going to take you to the maternity ward at hospital and you can find someone there to help...i was terrified, but decided if i didnt like that hospital, or hte people, id go elsewhere....but i did! i told them just how bad i was, about my prev termination and my extreme fear..... i met my midwife there who was just wonderful! she handles me with kid gloves and has been very nice when ive refused a few of the tests. shes allowed me to have as little intervention as possible, which for me has been good as i would freak out every time i had to go lol!
anyway, im going on a bit here lol!. just want you to know your not alone, and im still here whenever you want to chat. :hugs:
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