View Full Version : Confidence - are you born with it?
Just wondering what other people think about this. Are you born confident ie is it genetic or is it something which you can acquire as you move through life?
I've often thought about why I'm not a very confident person. Looking back to when I was at primary school, most of my reports said I lacked confidence.I'm quite a shy person and quiet by nature. I'd love to be a more confident person and I'm trying to work towards this goal by doing a CBT course online.
I'd love to hear what others have to say about this. Hope I've posted in the right place!
Thanks.:)
BubbleBonce
18-06-10, 14:04
Interesting question that Baggie. I am pretty sure I was born confident, although underneath there was sometimes running a seam of self doubt. To other people I usually come over as confident, but I now know that I am not at all. Maybe due to life events over the past 18 years.
My sister on the other hand was a real shrinking violet as a child and needed much encouragement and reassurance to do anything. This somehow changed in her late teens and she is now extremely assertive and confident. Funny how things turn out.
So I suppose the answer is that you can learn confidence.
Bubble
Hi Bubble
Thanks for letting me know what you think about this. I think that you could well be right, that you can learn confidence. Lately I've just had very little self belief which has knocked my confidence a bit. Deep inside I feel that there's someone who wants to change & become more assertive & self confident ,but I just haven't worked out how to manage this yet! Hopefully my CBT course will put me on the right track and I can break some of those bad, negative thinking habits! :)
I read that people are neither born shy or anxious .. either through childhood events or life people become aware of their surroundings what is expected to fit in etc.. and if this input or events are negative then we learn to not believe in ourselves, it may be subtle or outright blunt or traumatic.. I was also a shy child barely audible and I then learnt to wear a mask to protect me..
I do believe that there is some truth in the above but also I do think that individual personality must be part of us too... there are lots of sites dealing with low self esteem on the internet x
Going home
18-06-10, 20:06
I think you can be born with the kind of personality that gives you natural confidence, but life can knock it if there is enough stress and trauma I guess.
Anna xxx
I was very outspoken and confident as a small child, but became more introverted and shy from about the age of 8. I don't know why. Perhaps it is when self-conciousness starts to develop. I've never felt very confident since and have always come across as quite reserved, but I'm not really. I always feel as though that outspoken, confident person is inside, trying to get out and I have my bolshy moments. People often say that they just can't figure me out. I can't figure myself out half the time lol!
Going home
18-06-10, 23:15
I also found I was more confident after I became a mother. I would always help my kids face things much more than I ever would for myself.
Anna xx
I think the issue of confidence could be more of a symptom caused by other traits such as insecurity and sensitivity. For instance, someone who is born with an outgoing extrovert character is more likely to also be full of confidence than someone who is born insecure, sensitive and an introvert. However, I think there are also those who will wear masks so that they appear confident to protect themselves because they're actually very sensitive. Often you hear actors and actresses appear very confident but only when they're acting whereas in their private life they're often very insecure.
My mother tells me that when I was in the pram I'd cry and scream whenever she disappeared and when I was a toddler I'd follow her everywhere. Therefore, for whatever reason, I think I must have been born very insecure.
As I grew older my brothers and sister all left home by the time I was 12 so in effect I became like an only child and felt abandoned which when added to my insecurity and sensitivity made me feel vulnerable and more anxious.
I think that we are born with certain traits which we will always have but how we actually develop depends on what events we encounter and the support we receive within the family and from outside so that we can either lose confidence but also under the right direction also gain confidence.
Confidence is something we can develop for ourselves through training, practisce, expanding our experiences and taking on new responsibilities but what traits we're born with I feel are beyond our control.
Looking at it another way though, someone is born sensitive is also born with compassion, caring, and empathy which a secure confident person may lack. Also insecurity will mean a loving nature needing love from others which will make others also feel needed.
In other words, whatever we are born with, there are always positives and negatives to every trait. We just tend to focus on the negative side to our traits which also have admirable qualities we should actually be proud of.
A rose is fragile and sensitive so it tries to protect itself with thorns. It's also easily affected by storms but it attracts the most bees for it's pollen. No matter what faults it has there is no flower that holds more beauty and Alot of the roses in this world you'll find here on this site.:flowers::hugs:
Bill....:bighug1:I must be sensitive today,for I am crying:weep:Another post for my collection Thankyou my dear,wonderfull friend
Love Rhonda xx:D
Dear Bill,:hugs:
What a lovely post. I have never had any confidence in myself. The way I look, my ability to be able to do anything worthwhile or anything that makes a difference to either my, or anyone elses life. I often feel I am insignificant in this world. I hasten to add that my children don't agree and love me to bits as I do them. They say I have been a wonderful mother. Why can't I accept that? I'm sure that life experiences, a lot of which have been really traumatic for me, have meant that I wasn't able to gain confidence as I moved through life.
I really must try and think of myself as one of the roses and not a shrinking violet!!!
Judy.xxx
Thanks very much for your replies everyone. It's really interesting to read what you all think about this. :)
Sharon - thank you, I will take a look at some self esteem websites that you have mentioned.
Anna - I have also become more confident since I became a mum 13 years ago.
Trickyvee - It's interesting to read that you were outgoing when you were very young but then became shy at about 8. Perhaps you are right there, it may be that self consciousness begins to develop then.
Bill - That was a truly lovely post, especially where you describe the rose and the thorns. I printed out one of your earlier posts on anxiety which I found extremely helpful and I will be adding this one to it.
Judy - Like you, I know that my kids love me to bits but sometimes self belief and confidence just evade me. I will keep working at it and hopefully will gain some insight through the CBT course that I've started online!
Once again thanks everyone. Your replies mean a lot.:D
Regarding self-belief and confidence I think there are probably 4 things that I can think of that have helped me....
Practise
Knowledge
Experience
Tunnel vision
The more you practise, with the right technique and tutoring, the more confident you become in your own abilities.
The more knowledge you gain on a subject, the more confident you feel in what you say.
The more experience you gain, the more your self belief grows.
And if you use tunnel vision so that you learn not to think about all those and everything around you and instead focus as if you're looking at one item or one person doing what you know through your practise, knowledge and experience, the easier it is to feel confident about what you're doing or saying.
I'm saying this because when I was young I was extremely shy and wouldn't talk unless spoken to. When I went to work I gained experience and knowledge which enabled me to speak in and hold meetings. When I was later interviewed on the radio, I decided to keep re-reading all my facts so that I felt I knew all the answers to every question I'd face and then I focused on the presenter and not thought about the public who would be listening. It helped me greatly as I'd heard previously that athletes also use tunnel vision when on the track. They focus on their lane, their technique and the finishing line, and block out everything and everyone around them. Of course, it also helps them not to think about how nervous they're feeling too because through practise and experience they've learnt how to focus on their race.:hugs:
Thanks for that Bill. It sounds like you've managed to put those areas to very good use in your life.
I'm quite a shy person, not to the point where I can't go up to someone and say hello, but the thought of speaking up in a meeting fills me with dread! And public speaking....oh, don't even go there!! :scared15: Probably because I don't fully believe in myself.
Anyway, I will certainly try and put what you have suggested into practice. Thanks once again for helping set me on the right path.:D
One little tip regarding public speaking. I've not tried it but I've heard that if you have a speech written out, try standing in front of a mirror while you make the speech and keep repeating until you feel relaxed watching yourself.
Also they say that when you look in a mirror speak outloud telling yourself positive things. I know it sounds silly and I think I'd feel slly doing it but it's supposed to help with self-belief.
I just feel self-belief comes from building confidence in your own abilities so that if you practise something over and over until you get it right all the time then your self confidence and self belief in your own abilities will be sky high.
When you think of a footballer who keeps missing penalties, he won't believe he can score because his confidence and self belief will be so low so he'll keep on missing. Once he then learns the right technique and keeps practising until he keeps scoring, he'll feel he can't miss. It's the same with anxiety and panics. We don't believe in ourselves so we're always anxious but once we learn the right way to think and the right techniques to comabat our fears, we'll then believe in ourselves and feel supremely confident.
We have to keep practising but you have to learn the right techniques first and they depend on what type of fears you have but we can all build confidence with knowledge and practise.
Remember the ugly duckling? It couldn't see that it was a beautiful swan because all it's self-belief had been taken away from it. The next time you look in the mirror, remember that what you see is through your eyes only and the image you see may not be as it seems because anxiety creates a veil so that what you see is not the beautiful swan that others will always see in you.:hugs:
I found this post today and am amazed because I just had this conversation with my boss last Thursday. My children are 16 & 12 and hers are 18 & 20. She was asking about my eldest regarding something at school. She then said that I must have done something right as both my children are so confident. She then pulled herself down by saying that she went wrong with her first child, who has no confidence but got better with her second who has more confidence.
I told her that I believe what has given my children confidence is that my son (eldest) has been with a local children's theatre company since he was 9 & my daughter has been dancing since whe was 3 & in local theatre companies since she was 8.
AS a result of this they are both much more confident than I ever was.
That said, I told her that I believe, to a certain degree, we are either born with it or not.
The reason I think this is because my son was never clingy as a child. He would go to anyone and strangers never scared him. He took to being on stage like a duck to water. But, performing, I believe, gave him added confidence to a foundation that was already there.
My daugther, on the other hand, was very clingy, and would only go to me and if I left she cried for ages & was very insecure. (exactly as I was according to my mother). When she was 8, an opportunity to audition for a part in the stage show of Annie came up. She loved that movie & told me she wanted to do it. But then she quickly changed her mind because she could be very shy and she did not believe in herself. Eventually, on the day, she said I want to try. She got the part of Molly & truly enjoyed the whole experience & was not even nervous during the show.
Since this time, her confidence has grown in all areas, but that underlying lack of confidence is still there at times.
So, I really do believe some are born with it & others not, but that life's experience also has some to do with it too and that some people can learn it as they go along. But, that quite confidence through all things, that some people have, I believe is because they were born with it.
I could be completley wrong of course..... lol
Bill - Thanks so much for that. You should seriously think about becoming a therapist. Your posts are always so encouraging and helpful to others.:D
Panicdiva - What you posted was so interesting to read and made me think about my own experiences as a child. I have a younger brother and out of the two of us, I was known to be the one who always cried and was clingy. I used to get told how my brother was such a good baby. When I was 3, I remember being put to a day nursery as my mum was ill and I screamed the place down at being left. I still have memories of the nursery nurses back then, wearing their big starched hats (like hospital nurses used to) and I was eventually taken out of the nursery as I got so upset. My brother remained there as he was only a baby and was quite settled.
With my own 2 children, my son was happy being left at playgroup, nursery and then school. It was totally different with my daughter who used to get very upset. It was a real struggle at times and it has taken so long to build up her confidence, but she's got there in the end which is the most important thing. :)
Some are born secure, others insecure. I've no idea why though. Some say it's because of previous life experiences, others because of our genes and others because of what happened while we were in the womb etc.
Whatever we're born as, we can learn how to improve our negative attributes but you'll find that if it wasn't for those negative attributes, you wouldn't have your admirable qualities that others don't have which is why I believe you shouldn't beat yourself up just because you can't see what is hidden because we focus on what is bad in us and not the good.
For instance, we're worriers so we'll focus on our anxiety and beat ourselves up because we feel weak but being worriers also means you look out for and care about others which is one admirable quality we overlook.
We're sensitive so we focus on the fact we're very self-conscious and easily hurt but being sensitive also means having empathy towards others suffering but we overlook that quality too.
I could go on but you probably won't believe me anyway because we find it difficult to accept that we should be proud of being what makes us who we are.
All I know is I'd much rather have a partner who is a sensitive worrier than someone who is arrogant and couldn't care less about others. Which would you rather live with? If your choice is the same as mine, be proud of being the shining light you Are.:hugs:
I think that you are absolutely spot on when you say that we cannot see what is hidden because we focus on what is bad, rather than what is good. In my own case, it's probably been a lifetime of bad habit that has brought me to this point. But, I'm actively working on changing this by starting CBT, challenging these negative thought patterns.
I accept that I am a sensitive natured person. It's who I am, and for once in my life I'm not going to think bad of myself for being this way. I'm kind hearted, caring and look out for others. In today's fast paced, dog-eat-dog world I know I am proud of these qualities. With my own lovely children, I'm reaping the rewards as I've always instilled in them good manners, consideration for others and being true to themselves.
Thanks for your kind words of support Bill. I'm now away to have a cup of tea and start the next part of my CBT course.:D
I'm kind hearted, caring and look out for others. In today's fast paced, dog-eat-dog world I know I am proud of these qualities. With my own lovely children, I'm reaping the rewards as I've always instilled in them good manners, consideration for others and being true to themselves.
And I bet they wouldn't change you for the world because I'm sure they'd agree they have a Very Special mother.:flowers:
I hasten to add that my children don't agree and love me to bits as I do them. They say I have been a wonderful mother.
And the same applies to you Judy and Rhonda.:flowers:
When you have self-doubts about being special, just look into the eyes of your offspring and if you're still not convinced, ask them if you've been a good mother and when they say yes, take pride in what you've achieved, that you have brought them up with your beliefs, then see yourself in their image because if you feel they are wonderful then it must be because of You so you must be wonderful too!:flowers:
I would be too fearful of the answer to ask anyone what they thought of me. Surely you need confidence to be able to ask the question? How do you find that if you don't feel worthy?
Hello Chem,
No, I wouldn't suggest you ask "anyone" what they think of you because some people can be very cruel and nasty and get pleasure in putting others down. The reason I said that in my previous post was because of what we know about what their children think of them so it's really just getting a boost to remind the mothers how wonderful they really are when they're doubting themselves.
Judy posted this... I often feel I am insignificant in this world. I hasten to add that my children don't agree and love me to bits as I do them. They say I have been a wonderful mother. Why can't I accept that?
And that's how we know they'll get the answer they need when they need a boost to their self-confidence.
In your case and generally speaking, it's not what others think of us that's important. It's getting used to reminding yourselves how special people like yourself really are. We focus on what is bad about but overlook the good we hold. Confidence is something that comes from inside us. Installing self-belief in our Own abilities to remind ourselves we're just as worthy as anyone else. We just don't see it because of the way we view ourselves due to our anxiety.:hugs:
Bill, I had a lump in my throat when I read your post. What a really lovely thing to say. Thank you! I'll try and remember this next time I'm having a "wobbly". :)
And if you still don't believe them, ask me and I'll remind you!:):winks:
Print the following and hand it to your children so that every time you need a boost to your confidence, they can remind you how precious you are to them and others.:):hugs:
You
You bring sunshine to each and every day,
You touch my heart with every word you say,
You lighten my load by listening along my way,
You hold my hand making me want to always stay,
Your eyes sparkle as raindrops hitting the sea,
Your friendly face brings smiles filling people with glee,
Your hair blows in waves upon the air,
Your beauty captivates people to stare,
A kindness touches people to your lure,
A fondness encircles, helping people to endure,
A warmth radiates from your innermost being,
A pure light emits to remove darkness, bringing healing,
One daily thought of your loving nature,
One fleeting memory of your image so pure,
One softly spoken word said with such caring,
One warm smile to alleviate all hurting,
Few have the qualities such have you,
Few show the willingness in everything you do,
Few believe in showing compassion to others,
Few deserve the right to prove they are a good mother,
One such lady stands out in spectacular distinctiveness,
One such lady is thought of more fondly than words can express,
One such lady is truly admired, loyal, honest and true,
One such lady is ‘my mother’, rarely found and few,
One such lady has all these qualities................and that Mum is YOU!:hugs:
Bill: "Confidence is something that comes from inside us. Installing self-belief in our Own abilities to remind ourselves we're just as worthy as anyone else. We just don't see it because of the way we view ourselves due to our anxiety."
I have full confidence in my abilities and self worth. It's simply that others have epectations of me to be what I am not. So why ask those people what they think of me when, no matter what I do, to them I will always be a disappointment.
Well, not everyone would regard you as a disappointment Chem so I wouldn't bother asking peoples opinions who don't appreciate you for the lovely woman you are.:hugs:
We should do what we feel capable of and not what others expect of us because they aren't you so don't know how you feel. It shouldn't matter what others think of us if they have nothing nice to say about us because in our own heart we know our own limits. What's important is we do our best according to our own expectations and not others regardless of what they think or say.:hugs:
For a while recently I was thinking of leaving the site because I couldn't see what value I was being here until one day I read a message that flattered me more than I deserve but it made me think that maybe I am doing some good after all. However, I've decided to only offer advice and not talk about my problems anymore but after reading this thread, there is something I'd like to say.
I've been very lucky to have a very special mother but she now has an illness that cannot be treated. The thought of losing her is constantly in the back of my mind but I try every day to show her how much she means to me because I know one day I'll never get another chance to show how precious she is to me. If I do survive her, she will leave a void within me that I know will never be filled and life will become a much more lonely place to be, especially since I've already lost my father and my best friend (my dog). Without the love and affection they have always provided, I don't think I will ever know comfort again but I know it's something I'll just have to live with and find other ways to occupy myself.
For any mother who is deeply loved by their children but doubts the value of themselves, they should watch the ending to AI - Artificial Intelligence because when you are lucky enough to have a very special loving caring mother as I have been, she is irreplaceable, so mothers such as she should never see themselves as anything other than the beautiful roses they are and remember how very precious and special they are to those who love them.
Life passes so quickly until one day you're left on your own so special mothers should always be reminded how invaluable they are whether by their children or people who have had the honour of their friendship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqqNOqEhC0s&feature=related :hugs:
Dearest Bill
So sorry about your Mum,my heart goes out to you.My mum was never the same after my brother was killed in a car accident many years ago,her health and mind went very quick,I miss my beautiful mother,her quick wit and kindness to others she was known for.I wish i could turn back time:weep:
My dog Ringo is also not very well and may have to put him to sleep next week:weep:but I know it is the right thing to do.I have printed off the poem Bill,and phoned a mate and she is going to enlarge and frame it for me.Don't stop with the help and advice Bill because as you know,YOU are helping me:DTalk soon
Love Rhonda xx:bighug1:
I'm So sorry to hear about Ringo:hugs: I'll never forget the day I lost my best friend, knowing that when I called the vet it would be for the last time. I just don't think I could ever go through that again. My heart broke when I lost my father, I felt it crack in my chest and when I lost my best friend too, that crack got even wider. I try not to think too much about my mothers illness because when I think about it there is a black hole beyond which I cannot see. I just can't imagine life without her there.
A friend of mine lost her grandson on the roads too. I met him once shortly before it happened and it was a terrible shock. I'm sure she must know how your mother must have felt.
We should never dwell on bad things in the past though. I find when my mind wanders to upsetting events I have to stop myself and think in the present otherwise I end up depressing myself. Nor should we think of all the "what if's" in the future either because we end up worrying ourselves. Difficult not to I know and sometimes our minds almost seem to get "pleasure" in dwelling on bad memories.
In the last couple of days there's been a hedgehog in the garden. I'd been putting some water out for it as it was appearing during the day which they say is a bad sign. Today I found him barely moving and very wobbly so I put him in an open box with some water and gave him some shelter. I checked on him tonight and he was barely breathing. A few hours later I went back and he was dead. I don't know what happened to him but it was heartbreaking not being able to save him. Somehow I just have to not dwell on it and keep moving forward but sometimes my mind doesn't want to let me. I always end up thinking, I should have done more just as when I lost my father. All I could think of to say was "sorry" because I couldn't save him and yet I know there was nothing more I could have done. That's what life is and we should try to accept it.
Anyway, too much about me and depressing stuff on sweet Baggies thread. Sorry Baggie:hugs:
I'm glad I've been of help to you Rhonda. Just wish I could do more for you.:bighug1:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.