My relationship with my mother fueling my fear of flying

[panicdiva]

I'm flying next Sat. I have had panic/anxiety/phobias for 12 yrs now. I have been feeling fairly positive about the flight & going away on holiday & even this morning I posted to a thread explaining how positive I was feeling & how I am learning to accept that this is who I am, but that's ok, and it's okay to feel anxiety but still do it anyway.

Then, I went out with my mother for a little while this aft. and we fell out. Basically my mum can be funny with me and without boring everyone with details, she was very cutting & nasty to me. She often is, often has been. This set me off again this aft with panic about flight as I feel so guilty about going away. I have realised before that whenever I go away on holiday & that includes even before I started to suffer from anxiety & panic, I feel sooooo guilty. But the guilt has gotten worse since I have had anxiety.

My husband keeps telling me that is the way your mother is, don't try to figure her out, it's her problem, I have nothing to feel guilty about etc. etc. But I don't understand why I feel guilty. I feel like a bad person. My mother has never been keen on holidays (prob for same reasons as me). She is claustraphobic & has been for as long as I can remember. She has not flown for 23yrs. When we did fly when I was younger (which was not often), she did not enjoy it at all. Whereas, I loved it. I loved airports, aeoroplanes, travelling, the whole thing. Since I had post natal depression 12 yrs ago, I no longer enjoy the whole travel thing to the point that my anxiety & panic overwhelm me.

My mother is funny with me about alot of things, not just holidays, and when she is like that with me, even though I know it's her problem, I feel crushed and the guilt overwhelms me & my anxiety goes into overdrive. I hate that I let her get to me like that.

Anyway, I just really needed abit of advice, and I am curious to know if anyone else feels alot of their anxiety/panic/phobias are connected to their feelings about their parents.

Thanks

[Angelai]

I've always considered mum to be my best friend, she brought my brother and me up alone until I was 10 and we have always been very close. So, it took me a long time to accept that she can completely fell me with just a look or word.

I'm 37, left home at 21, always been independent. But still, what mum thinks and feels controls me. I did start trying to tell her how she made me feel, very cautiously, in a round-about way. In the end, I just came out with it. She was really sorry, and insisted that she never meant to hurt or upset me - now I just keep reminding myself that it's not personal, it's just that she has her own demons and needs to vent sometimes (like I said, she's my best friend, and who else do we vent to?)

Mum can be so vicous and nasty, and I have lots of anxiety over how she will react/what mood she's in. But I love her to bits, and I know she feels the same. We can talk about anything (as long as there's nothing else winding her up at the time!) and we even have a bit of a laugh about how she's made me a bit OCD.

You're so not alone in this! Listen to your husband, you know he's right. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Have a lovely holiday!

[Anxious_gal]

maybe your mum feels that if you go then you wont need/depend on her anymore.
maybe shes just jealous and being mean by winding you up......
but you have nothing to feel guilty for, you should have your own life and you do not owe anyone anything.
you know your a good person and you do deserve to be happy and to have fun x

[TTBP]

My oh my oh my! I could have written that post panicdiva!!

Last year when I told my Mum I was going on holiday with my husband, she went ballistic! I thought she may even hit me at one point. Why was she so angry? Because I hadn't asked her if she wanted to come :weep:

I can trace a lot of my anxiety back to my Mum & Dad. Mum is controlling and must be obeyed and even her look can scare me (I'm 42 now lol)

My Dad who is dead now, is where my emetophobia comes from as he never used to believe it when I said I felt sick and therefore I 'ashamed' myself in public a few times when I was a child. He hit me once as I was sick in public.... :unsure: How dare I show him up like that??

Anyway, I can totally relate to what you're saying! Please try and have a good holiday, relax as much as you can and enjoy!

[panicdiva]

Thank you so much for your posts....it has really helped.:D

Angelai - I think its great that your mum is your best friend - I admire you for being able to feel that despite any difficulties & that you accept her for who she is. :flowers:

Mishel - I don't depend on my mum for anything, I rely on my husband & my friends so I gues she was just being mean! lol Thanks for your advice about not feeling guilty.:)

TTBP - glad I'm not alone - and yes my mum is controlling - or at least tries to be. But my husband believes I should not take it personally because she is like that with everyone - does not make it easier though. I'm 45 & it shocks me to the core that she can still make me feel so bad (or should I say that I allow her to make me feel that way). I believe what is getting to her is that we are going to stay with my Uncle & his wife (my father's brother) & she does not like that at all (for reasons only known to her of course). It's bizzare behaviour. :shrug:

Anyway I am going and the past couple of days I have felt more positive again about it. NOt heard from my mum. I am going to try really hard not to feel guilty - and if I do, too bad, I'm still going!!!! wish me luck.:yesyes: