Nightmare of Depression

[Gordon64]

Hi

I'm new to this so apologies if I'm in the wrong site. I have suffered depression for more years than I care to remember-it contributed to me losing my marriage-I now live apart from my kids though I do see them regularly. I have lost both my parents now and although I have a few friends I often feel lonely and isolated.

In October last year I had a major depressive incident-I have been off work since with exception of a failed return in Feb-I have managed recently back though on a phased return which I WAS doing ok.

I have been on most anti deps over the years so have pretty good knowledge of the pros and cons-twice been on Mirtazapine-I came off them on Feb and basically relapsed-I came off them again on Wed cos I cannot stand the sore mouth/gums/teeth they give you. I went to doc on Friday and he put me on Duloxetine-suffice to say I'm not persevering with that one within half an hour severe diarrohea and vomiting.

I am now in withdrawal/seretonine syndrome?/hell-tearful, anxious, terrified my work are finally going to lose patience (I have quite a history) and am going to lose everything. As for the guilt I feel about being like this when I have two wonderful kids who are my life then I know those of you on this site who are parents can maybe empathise. I have had to put off my times with the children sometimes because of how I am and that makes me feel even worse-also my ex's 4oth tomorrow and I feel so guilty if I cancel again and she misses out-we're not best pals but she has been really understanding of late.

Don't really know why am writing this-in tears as I do -but just "chatting" to people who know the hell of depression might help me. I know I am not going mad but this is a bloody miserable illness-I long for the day I can come off these bloody pills and live my life to the full, I am undertaking counselling through my local mental health centre but it is a real struggle to keep going. I owe myself and my children to get through this though-even if i have to give up present job to do so. Thanks to anybody who reads and any support/advice/shoulder to cry on gratefully appreciated.:weep:

[Veronica H]

:welcome:to NMP Gordon. Glad that you have found us. Many here know how you are feeling. This is a friendly site with great support and information.
There is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes;SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES published by Thorsens ISBN 0-7225-3155-9.This is available from the NMP shop. Dr Weekes was a physician and scientist. She was a fellow sufferer (nominated for the nobel prize for medicine) and really understood this illness. She took the mystery out of it, and devised a simple programme for recovery. I can't recommend this enough.( It is a bit old fashioned, but still so relevant).
Here is a link to her site;

http://www.drclaireweekes.co.uk/

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Mindfulness? Both also good for us overthinkers. Another book which has really helped me is;

Matthieu Ricard ' Happiness...a guide to developing life's most important skill ' published by Atlantic ISBN 978-1-84354-558-3.He is a French Buddhist monk and a very accomplished man....here is a link to one of his talks.....

http://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ri...happiness.html (http://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_on_the_habits_of_happiness.html)

This will get better. Veronicax

[Gordon64]

Veronica

Thanks so much for your reply-just to get a response from somebody who knows what it's like means so much.

I will try your recommendations-I have done a CBT computer course and yes it makes sense but often depends on depth of my depression how much I put it into practice.

I am clinging onto fact that the Mirtazapine (despite the side effects) did get me to a slightly better place and hope I can find a new AD that will lift me again. Must admit like many on here though I believe pills are only a small part of the recovery process.

Thanks again

Gordon

[Jebdog]

Hey Gordon,

I know where your coming from with regards to facing the depths of depression and abyss of anxiety. Dealing with the here and now is so difficult but try to remember that people have come out of some horrible depressions and so will you.

Yes medication may only help to a degree but sometimes whee the drugs help the most is they get you into a position where you can practice the cbt / talk therapy / self help books. I think in the deep depressions/horrible anxities there simply isn't the motivation/drive to perform cbt and other helpful techniques like exercise.

I think people (espicially in the uk) are quite anti-meds when it comes to depression and anxiety, is this right/wrong? I'm not sure, I think it's an individual thing. But if it helps to a stable ground then surely it has to be an option?

Also if a med is giving you a side effect perhaps you could taper up slowly? So take a smaller dose of duloxetine and perhaps the side effects you got won't hit you so hard.

[joannap]

hi gordon - firstly i think you should give yourself a pat on the back for having dealt with all this whilst still working - you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your wonderful children will grow up with an understanding of anxiety/depression and that can only be a positive thing so try not to be too hard on yourself - you are doing your best.

stress - i find is a major contributor to how i feel so now i make sure i get plenty of time to wind down (sometimes i have to make myself) and i really try and limit my worries. it isn;t easy fearing loosing your job but it has not happened so far - even if it happened - you would survive - there are always options/choices available to us. the trouble with depression is that it makes every problem/worry 100 times worse so recognise that you will be feeling over sensitized to everything at present.

i also find that simply accepting how bad i feel enables it to lift - yes - when i finally face it and give in - i feel terrible for a few days but then my mood starts to lift - many people fear doing this - they remain subconsciously tense - worried they will fall in deeper but it does not happen - it gives your mind/body the break it needs to heal.

This may sound totally crazy but i write my worries down on a piece of paper then roll it up really small and freeze it an an ice cube tray in the freezer - it really seems to work and i have even found that within a few weeks - many of them have been magically sorted out! x

[Gordon64]

Thanks for the replies so far.

Jebdog- I agree there is a kind of anti-AD's feeling in the UK-I admit to being a bit ambivalent about them having tried many but simple fact is Mirtazapine (for all it's faults) did get me back to work and functioning reasonably well. I see GP tomorrow and it may be a lower dose of Duloxetine is the answer to start (I was prescribed 60mg straight off-I believe this is the highest recommended dose for this particular drug)

Joanna P- thanks so much for the kind comments about me being in the workplace-people constantly tell me I'm too hard on myself but that's the nature of the beast I guess

What you say about taking on the bad moments makes sense-sort of taming the monster is my interpretation.

I have tried CBT but find I only use it when moods aren't so dark

Great to have support from a network like this-thanks again.

[Jebdog]

Gordon,

I think 60mg is a high dose to start on and probably explains the side effects. I would start at 20 mg and work from there. 20 may be enough but you can go up to 60mg if need be.

Look at is as aid to get you in a stable position and then you can work at cbt, etc. To avoid getting yourself too bad in the future and having better coping techniques for anxiety, stress and feeling low.

Keep going Gordon, everyone here is routing for you pal.

Jeb.

[Gordon64]

Cheers Jeb

Incidentally was reading your post re the fluoxetine you are taking. I used to take 40mg per day-it did help keep me ticking over but left me pretty washed out at times (mind you if there's an AD that doesn't let me know)

A friend of mine mind you is on 40mg per day and she reckons it has saved her life at times.

Truth is with these things everybody reacts differently-easy for me to say but maybe give it another month or so before changing?

Incidentally Mirtazapine for me did alleviate the dep quite quickly but it is powerfully sedative-basically don't know your situation but if you need to hold down a job or study probably not too good-if you need a good sleep however-15mg first time I took it I surfaced about two days later!

It is a good AD imo if you can handle the side effects (I couldn't)

Hang in there

Gordon

[tiny444]

hi there,
only just found this and registered as i'm freaking out wiht anxiety after a relatively peaceful few years.. i've been severely depressed a few years ago and didn't want medication but then realised i was in such a state it was the only option, as I couldn't afford to lose my job .. I did recover, and manage to come off the medication and it was good for several years. I think the secret was stability - I guess it's different for everyone, but since many people with depression seem to have a tendency to worry obsessively, or feel they have to be in control of things, maybe there's something to it. It is possible to get out of it, so please don't give up. Even now, it's 'only' anxiety and i'm not depressed, although of course I dont' know where this is going which is why i need to resolve it now. The mindfulness way may help btw, and funnily a Japanese friend once suggested the 'zen' way - when you eat, you focus on eating. When you brush your teeth, focus on brushing your teeth. When you drive, focus on the driving, etc. But I agree with what you say about CBT - it also only works for me when i'm not feeling too bad.
please hang in there, and don't feel guilty. It's an illness, you will get better, and please keep trying the meds - i think they all have side effects but they don't have to be that bad. If it is possible for you to take holidays from work, perhaps you could do that for two weeks or so when you start medication? Unless you feel worse when you're alone, of course.

[Gordon64]

Thanks Tiny444

What you say makes sense espec re job situation-I am clinging on to my fingertips at the moment but am now on Citalopram which I will give a go. Frustrating thing is that Mirtazapine actually lifted my mood pretty quickly but it is difficult to hold down a job when you're fast asleep! Plus gums which felt they were on fire didn't help either. I will get there and so will you-it's so good to know these forums exist to chat with people who know what it's like. Keep up the good fight.

[Veronica H]

Hi Gordon
Glad you are finding the forum a help.....Jebdog said.....

I think people (espicially in the uk) are quite anti-meds when it comes to depression and anxiety, is this right/wrong? I'm not sure, I think it's an individual thing. But if it helps to a stable ground then surely it has to be an option?

I just wanted to add that when I first had what I now know was a nervous breakdown, I relied on Diazipam, Propranolol and have been on 10mg Citalopram for the two years since. Meds certainly stabilised me enough to rebuild my life through the self help route and I for one am not knocking their use. A low dose of Citalopram seems to work very well for me but as you point out Gordon, we are all different and I have known others here who have needed much more of the drug to get the same effect. I am now only taking the Citalopram and about to wean myself off of them. I will ask the doc for help again though if i can't manage to balance my chemicals :). I wish you all well anxiety buddies...onwards and upwards and all that :bighug1:Veronicax

[Gordon64]

Hi Veronica

Thanks for that-this forum is a godsend-wish I'd discovered it a while back.

I've had time to reflect on recent events-Mirtazapine may not have been ideal but I look back to the way I was only a week ago while still on it and state I am now in (which hopefully Citalopram will help) and realise it must have been doing something right.

Guess my point is that I now accept that I have to stay the course with the Citalopram and let it do it's work-I am sure all the people who contribute to this site would love to see a day when they could be pill free but I accept at the moment I need their assistance.

Thanks again

Gordon

[ElizabethJane]

Hi Gordon I just wanted to reply to your thread. Duloxetine did not suit me either. So ill and giddy and vomiting. I thought that I had to put up with the side effects but DR J did not. I'm not sure what happened with you and mirtazapine? The first time I went on it I piled on loads of weight relapsed and then went back on it again. My weight has remained stable. Withdrawals were horrible and I have described them elsewhere. I needed valium in transition. All I can say is that the withdrawals will pass. It will be difficult to know what is what in terms of side effects from the citalopram. Take care. EJ.

[Gordon64]

Hi EJ

It's 1 am and I'm all over the place now. Really hot and nervy and disorientated-how much is the adjustment to Citalopram and how much w/d from Mirt I don't really know but it's a scary place right now. My appetite has plumetted with exception of yesterday morning when body told me to eat and I went to a local cafe and had a full breakfast, not something I ever do really.
At least on Mirt I was eating (too much though as you say).

I know I have to ride this out but by God it's hellish-anxiety all over the shop-I see my counsellor tomorrow morning but am trying to keep in at work as well where I really am in last chance saloon so really worried. Sorry to go on just needed to get it off my chest.

Take care and thanks for replying

G