new week,same terror

[ASH65]

nightmares,
curled up next to a huge being,warm but about to strike me dead at any moment.music,heartbreaking dark sounds beckoning me into the darkness and lonliness.then a picture of a human face,beautiful,until i look up and it has changed into a primitive ritualistic death mask,all humaness scorched and twisted away.trapped in partially collapsed tunnels feeling like i am a hundred miles inside the ground.next i am on a road and it suddenly changes into molten lava,i dissolve in agony then descend into hell.i staggered up to find my wife,tears in her eyes she says "again?" .i collapse into her and weep and sob.we decide i should take major meds and write the day off.but i HAVE to get my wee ones to school.it was a huge struggle but we got there,then i put the washing out hoping the neighbours wouldnt see me crying.i am ****ed.absoulutely drained.such a beautiful day.such ugliness inside.i dream of closure,to tell you things that only myself,my wife,and the authorities know,but i cant.
all i can tell you is that i have a tattoo on my back to commemerate something and someone."i have seen too much wipe away my eyes"
nightmares, consecutive night number 14,much more and it will be hospital again,
rapists get a few years in prison IF caught,the raped get a life sentance.
:weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::w eep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep:

[alias_kev]

ASH,

What can I say mate. As I said to another member, I have almost hoped you were someone mucking about "lying on the internet". :hugs: I don't think that's true, but I wish it were for you.

The imagery in your dreamscape is very consistent and so bad. I can't help feeling that a lot of the blame for that lies with your religious upbringing/schooling and being made to feel guilty for what happened to you. So guilt->sin->hell. The reality is that you have NO guilt for what happened, your abusers and those that might have helped you along the way have that.

I am glad you have your wife and children to lift you out of the pain. Well done for dealing with school and the washing. Many men wouldn't even without your pain, and many sufferers would not get so much done either. I know I don't.

I hope you find some therapy or mental tool that can defuse the dreams. Its possible lucid dreaming might give you more control, but your imagery is so strong it could be tough.

[ASH65]

kev i am not confident the nitemares will ever end,and i have good,undisclosed reasons for that.i take a stance of using everything positive and beautiful in life (and theres a lot) as nourishment to fuel survival.for instance,this morning my beautiful wife came home laden with summer dresses and tried each one on.i cried at how stunning she looked,at the sheer contrast between nitemare-land,the reality of what i endured during childhood, and todays waking reality.somehow i have fallen into a deep torturous hole at night,yet when i wake and rub my eyes, and look at my wife,children,garden,the music i have composed(and been paid very well for),my mum in her infinite compassion,my friends who love me,......i think **** the abusers,and i will keep on repeating it as a mantra but I WIN.no ****ing contest.
as for the "lying on the internet" idea, i understand how some of what i went through/go through may seem so severe as to be beyond reality,and i have explored that in therapy...i will quote the great Marvin....
"making it up? why would i make anything up,lifes bad enough without wanting to invent anymore of it!!!!"

[alias_kev]

ASH, you do indeed seem able to draw a huge amount that is good from your real daily life and to recognise it. The latter being something that so many of us struggle to do, whereas you really connect with it. :yesyes:

I'd not picked up on you composing music, although I did work out you were in that field. So you are creative too, and adding more beauty to the world. :yesyes:

I meant no harm by my other remark. As we start conversations on the net we really have no idea who anyone really is, and there are odd people out there. As we've shared more, we are both aware of each other's reality! Its simply that your experiences (and I know you've shared but the briefest summary) make me wish it was not true; for your sake.

I am saddened that you reckon the dreams are inescapable, and I will continue to hope that you find the lever to diminish them. :hugs:

[ASH65]

kev mate,
i took no offence from your comment,i actually just feel that some of what i experienced is so severe i would understand being doubted,but i didnt think you were saying that.
your comments are always welcome and accurately intuitive x

[ASH65]

the wound is sharp and open
leave me alone
i am sleeping less every night
as the days become heavier and weighted
waiting in the cold light
a noise a scream they tear my clothes
and the figuirines tighten
spiders inside them and dust on my lips
its a vision of hell
i looked in the mirror
for the first time in a year
100 other worlds blind me with your purity
like an old painted doll in the throes of death
i think about tomorrow
please let me sleep as i slip down the window
a freshly killed fly
i mean nothing
i mean nothing
i can lose myself in "chinese art" and "american girls"
all the time lose me in the dark
BOY DO IT RIGHT
i run into the night
i will lose myself tomorrow ,crimson pain,
my heart explodes
my memories spat out of the fire
if someone will listen......
too many secrets too many lies writhing with hatred
too many secrets BOY MAKE IT GOOD TONIGHT
the same image haunts me,in sequence,despair of time
i will never be clean again

adapted from (r.smith) 1982


this is how the pain feels

[alias_kev]

It saddens me that all I can offer is compassion and an ear/eye...