Avoidance: it's a fight

[Raindog]

Hi folks,
So far I've only really been putting my thoughts down in my thread on the Citalopram forum section, but thought I'd share something I was discussing with someone yesterday and that I feel is the source of many peoples anxiety, mine included.

That thing is avoidance, we get negative anticipation about even the smallest things and the anxiety makes us want to avoid them. I've had problems taking on responsibility or committing to things, feeling that it's too much for me to handle and I end up looking for ways to get out of going somewhere or doing something I've said I would or need to do.

My anxiety started as just a low key thing coupled with my depression a few months ago, it wasn't a huge problem then. I've dealt with depression on and off for about 13 years without really seeking any help and so I figured this mild anxiety would go as the bout of depression wore off. Unfortunately that wasn't to be and it flared up while I was looking for work. I signed up for a job site and within minutes I had emails and a phone call, which brought on a rise in the level of my anxiety. It was when this happened that I knew I needed to seek some help and so visited the doctor to discuss it with him.

I've gone through feeling anxious about many things, from going to job interviews to not doing my washing up for weeks because I felt it was just too much for me to commit to. Even small tasks I tried to put off again and again until I found the motivation and the impetus to get them done.

The past few days I've had the feeling that I would rather stay in bed than face the world, a complete lack of enthusiasm for most things. I have had some good weeks while taking the Citalopram, so I see this as just a blip, part of the process. It doesn't feel like the desperate feelings I had when the anxiety was in full effect, just an undercurrent of nervousness and wanting to give in to the part of me that wants to just avoid doing things.

I know I can beat this and I'm sure there are plenty of us out there going through something similar, recognising that you are trying to avoid things that you normally don't find terribly difficult may help to get through it, but what sort of things do you try to avoid doing?

Shaun

[vicky23]

I think that when you have anxiety and depression procrastination because a double fight. You've got the anxiety levels rising which you obviously want to avoid and the general lack of motivation.
I find myself wanting to do things, for eg last fri my mam was going to visit a friend then do some shopping and I'd been looking forward to it but on the morning I wasn't feeling well so in my mind was 'what if I get ill when out I should just stay at home' so even though I wanted to go I still had a sense of wanting to avoid it so that the anxiety wouldn't be there.
I get that a lot, things I've been looking forward to and that I enjoy I still feel like avoiding them because it's easier! however the things in life we enjoy aren't always easy.
It absolutely is a fight and you just have to decide what you want: going through life avoiding things for the possibility of feeling anxious and lets face it anxiety is horrendous!! but having no variety in life or you can face that anxiety let it pass and you'll get some good feelings in there too.
I did go out with my Mam in the end and I would say it was about 30% ''aarrghh I need a toilet I need to go home' and 70% I'm glad I came I'm having fun and I'd be miserable sitting in on my own

[twilight]

I totally empathise with you vicky. I find i arrange things and look forward to them but come the actual day I really can't deal with it and don't go, which then makes me feel much worse and makes the next time even harder.

For example I'd been waiting and waiting for months to see a film in the cinema ( a rare night out) booked it about 8 weeks in advance, really looked forward to it. 3 hours before due to go panic gripped me, I was v sick full on attack but I went stil only to have to leave 10 mins into the film as I just couldn't cope. I was distraught and utterly dissapointed inmyself and I've yet to go back and try again :( I can't even contemplate it.

[MidnightCalm]

I've found I always plan things just because I need to have something to look forward to, there has to be something I'm doing in the future or else I feel like I have no future and I get depressed. I go out every Friday night and the anxiety kicks in about an hour or two before leaving, full blown attack, I'll admit it's probably a bad thing that I do but I drink and it gets rid of the anxiety, Friday is the night I'd usually get drunk, why change it? About an hour into drinking I've calmed a lot and can go out when before I'd felt like there was no way on earth and I felt the need to run away. Last week my friend invited me and another friend over to stay, initially I was all for the idea, as it got closer and closer my anxiety rose and rose until I was having full blown sensations, it didn't stop me going, I went, acted uneasy for about an hour, pacing, toilet break every 10 minutes, after that hour I was calm, happy, comfortable, maybe a bit drained from the attack but still good.

[daydreamer]

Hi shaun,

yep I try and avoid doing almost everything! seriously anything I think might be a little bit scary for me I avoid, so lately that has been things like going out, walking, seeing friends, shopping..... everything that a normal person would find easy! I fear committing to things to, I suppose thats why I havent been able to find a job because im always thinking that I will have to escape and I will be unreliable. I think its part of my agoraphobia, always being scared of having a panic attack! whatever I do its always in the back of my mind that at some point I will have a panic attack and let people down, I guess that also comes from me having low self esteem. Im having CBT and am starting to change these thoughts but its a long process..I have to learn to trust myself again and to start doing things not avoiding things because thats never going to be of any help, it will only make it worse in the long run!

[MidnightCalm]

A lot of the time I avoid anything that involves getting into a car or bus, the tesco visit that happens quite a lot is something I tend to avoid, "do you want to come shopping with us", "umm... don't know, might just stay here and relax." I end up changing my mind, say I'll go and then I just get so bad beforehand that when I eventually get in the shop I'm drained, headachey and tense.

[StoneMonkey]

Hi Shaun,
With regards to avoidance I find that some things are just too big to take on and can leave you feeling worse off for having gone.
I went fishing with a mate on Saturday. The same place we always go but because it was busy I had a difficult first hour (panicky thoughts, uncomfortable, cant cope). After that I calmed down and it ended as a positive.
The bottom line is I got more out of it than it cost me (in terms of not coping and feeling bad about myself).

A while ago I was pressured to go to the cinema by an ex. I managed to last the whole film with a few loo visits but it caused far more distress than it was worth and I have not gone since.
I know we are supposed to push ourselves, (a ship isn't built to stay in port) and all that but we can hurt ourselves more if we get ahead of our recovery.

The biggest thing I ever did since ill was to drive with friends to St Tropez.
I was pettrified by the ferry. (Cant get off, not in control). The crossing was so rough that people were green and crying and this for me put me on equal terms and I actually found it quite enjoyable.

I still dip my toe into the fear everyday but there are some things beyond me for now.
Simon.

[YvonneBelle]

Hi Shaun,

I've been avoiding a bag stuffed with letters and paperwork for weeks. I tried to avoid taking citalopram ;) I try to avoid going to parties and social events and recently stood outside a busy pub with some work colleagues and suddenly said 'I can't go in, it's too packed'. I then tried to avoid getting a taxi home (they insisted) and this annoyed me because I hate being made to do things and being fussed over.

I think part of it is that I've always been independent (grown up for my age, even as a child) and for me, feeling strong is standing on my own two feet. But then as I've got older, I've got too used to my own company. So then when things start to go wrong... I seem to start acting out of character with this avoidance thing. Because when I'm okay and happy I don't avoid anything and people that do avoid things generally irritate me. (Like my mum for example, who will just leave things and not deal with them properly). It gets me so mad... so when I start doing it myself I can't understand it.

So yes, avoidance is a big part of it I think, and a clear sign (for me) that I'm not myself.

Thanks for posting this, it's a really good point. :)