Desperate!!!

[martin1976]

Today started off so well, I went painting for my mother and was tanning in the sun whilst doing so (happy days), then out the blue I thought I'm so glad I'm not thinking about "IT" then BAM, its back... ********!!
So for the last 5 hours I've been rigid moving around looking for distractions whilst trying to cook tea and look after my daughter. Then I start to feel guilty as shes only 6 and deserves a dad whos confident enough to stop all this..As does my girlfriend who has come home from a 12 hr shift and I shouldn't be pacing from room to room whilst telling her I'm alright!!! Its getting on top now..
I can understand why people start self harming, just to feel some physical pain to distract from this self destructive mind..
I get mad it don't go, sad it dont go, crack jokes with blokes it don't go
AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!
Sorry for the rant but I'm as tense as concrete.

[mumoftwo]

Martin,

i know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Id a good day on friday and saturday and sunday morning then sunday lunchtime WHAM outa nowhere it came. Its as if it was saying " ha i fooled you there didnt I, you thought i was gone but I was only sleeping"

Its a nightmare situation. You dont say how long youve suffered from this. Ive done it on and off for 12 years (this time has been for 18 months, almost non stop). I know what you mean about your daughter and partner deserving better, but thats the anxiety talking. When you are feeling better you can give them both double your attention.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is a horrible illness. Please feel free to email me anytime to rant and rave.

It does help.

Hope you feel better soon.

[martin1976]

Thanks Mumoftwo, your right its the worst illness, one I wouldn't ever wish on my worst enemy. I had my first episode when i was about 7 or 8 but that wasn't panicing as such I had physcosomatic pains in my arm but have continued on and off since then. I think the worst feeling each time it comes back is knowing that its gonna be a real long and despairing lonely battle till you see any improvement:weep:
I try and keep my chin up but you'll know its not easy to say the least just constant mental anguish.. It doesn't feel fair does it??
Well if this is my cross I'll bear it, till the day I find my way out of this maze.
All the best
Martin

[mumoftwo]

Hi Martin,

How are you feeling today? Ive had a good day so far, although that fear is always there that tomorrow outa no where it will come back.

Let me know how you are

Mumoftwo:hugs:

[Steve37]

Martin,

I know how you feel too, as i have General Anxiety Disorder which comes and goes. So i have good and bad days.

[martin1976]

Hi, I'm not as bad as yesterday (thank god) but still physically rigid in my neck and stomach, just tried to enjoy the match (especially the result!!!):yahoo:
I went to the doctors a few weeks ago and he prescribed me beta blockers (propananol) but I never took it as i hate to start new medicine as I would prefer to try to beat this as on my own as possible.. Anyway went back this morning and he convinced me to start the course so I did, he reckons I should see results in a few days, I do hope so.
How are you all doing today?
Martin

[mumoftwo]

Hi Martin,

id another bad day today, had to take a diazepam as i had to go to my daughters leaving ceremony in school (she won 5 cups for different classes, i was sooooo proud).

Anyway, just incase these meds dont work I bought a book which ive heard some people talking about, its called "self help for your nerves" by Claire Weekes, and so far im impressed.

She describes anxiety like she was a sufferer, its quite pleasing and just doesnt deal with panic attacks, but the anxiety that we have 24/7. So im going to read it from cover to cover.

Just another week until my holiday, God only knows what a gibbering mess il be by then, cuz ive to drive from the airport to the villa with my mum, Dad and 2 kids, ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!! If i get through that il get through anything. Ive plenty of diazepam to take with me as a back up.

I was on the propranolol and it did help with the racing heart, but my pdoc told me it can also cause depression (ive never heard that before), anyway im off it now and just on the venlafaxine, but if im no better by the time i come back from holiday, im coming off it and hope to try something else.

Are you on any other medication? please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

thinking of you

Mumoftwo

[Bill]

I went painting for my mother and was tanning in the sun whilst doing so (happy days), then out the blue I thought I'm so glad I'm not thinking about "IT" then BAM, its back... ********!!

This is what happens. When we're suffering from alot of stress and pressure in our lives, when we're keeping busy we don't have time to "think" but as soon as we sit to relax with nothing to occupy our minds, our thoughts immediately turn to how we're feeling because we're on a constant watch for anxiety symptoms due to our stress overload.

Once we start thinking about how we're feeling, we turn our mind to "inward thinking" so that even if we felt relaxed beforehand, just turning our mind onto our feelings will make us focus on every heartbeat, every breath we take, how every muscle is feeling etc and as soon as we do that, the stress that we're experiencing combined with our inward thinking then triggers then anxious feelings.

So for the last 5 hours I've been rigid

As soon as we trigger our anxiety with our thoughts, we then focus our attention on our anxiety making us even more tense making ourselves "feel" ill.

moving around looking for distractions whilst trying to cook tea and look after my daughter.

We then start looking for distractions by which time the stresses we're having trouble coping with then re-surface because we have to do them alone without any support and we often feel stressed because we lack confidence in our own abilities.

Then I start to feel guilty as shes only 6 and deserves a dad whos confident enough to stop all this..As does my girlfriend who has come home from a 12 hr shift

Then we start beating ourselves up for not being what we feel we should be which often leads us to feeling depressed and inferior because we feel we should be like others who are confident.

I shouldn't be pacing from room to room whilst telling her I'm alright!!!

These thoughts then add more pressure on ourselves so that we feel too uptight and too anxious to relax.

I can understand why people start self harming, just to feel some physical pain to distract from this self destructive mind..

Sufferers who do self harm will then feel compelled to release their pain from how their anxiety has made them feel.

And all this happened because of underlying stress caused by lack of confidence which then creates anxiety which we try to fight against.

What I would suggest is next time you find time to chill out, whatever your mind starts thinking, don't dwell on it and don't allow your body to react to it. Keep calm and learn a relaxation technique to keep you relax and if that fails, get up immediately before anxiety takes hold, put some music on or start doing something. If you sit and allow anxiety in, you'll start trying to resist it. Let it through you by keeping your muscles relaxed. Nip it in the bud.

I think also that sometimes we feel trapped at home with stress without anything stimulating to occupy our minds so what I'd suggest is you find an interest, preferably away from the home such as a club or hobby because often when you get home afterwards you will feel much more relaxed generally because you'll have been free from your cage for a while. It's the constant feeling of being trapped that often creates the build of stress which triggers anxiety because we have too much time to think about how we're feeling when we're alone indoors.

I Do understand how you felt because I have very similar pressures.

Hope that helps.:shrug:

[Chem]

I don't feel trapped at home. I love the peace and quiet of it when everyone is gone for the day. I don't do much, but for me the anxious thoughts and panic only start when I have to go outside.

Martin, I too feel that I haven't been able to do enough for my children, and I take Propananol, which has really helped me through the shaking and high anxiety. I have self harmed just to feel something physical, as the panic can take over so much that I feel numb apart from my reeling thoughts. Distractions only offer a temporary relief, as do relaxation techniques. As mumoftwo says - it's still there, sleeping, ready to wake and pounce.

I don't think that my anxiety has anything to do with lack of confidence, simply a set of circumstances that have overwhelmed me. I think it's too simplistic to say that all the answers can be found within ourselves. Sometimes external factors and relationships play a big part.

The only remedy I have found is not to fear it. Think what could happen at the worst - you might faint (which is highly unlikely). So what? After a couple of minutes your body will have sorted itself out and you will be fine again. If you have the flu with a sore throat, you acccept the sore throat as part of the illness. You don't worry excessively about it. The same goes for panic. If you can accept it as merely a symptom to tolerate, you take away the fear that has so far come with it, and it loses its hold.

[martin1976]

Hi mumoftwo, that holiday is gonna be a good thing for you I'm sure, I've spent some time driving abroad and after about 10 minutes its like you took your test there!! I'm sure the change of surroundings will bring some welcome respite..
I also bought the same book last week and she really does explain it well as to what it is we go through whilst we suffer, which is really refreshing for me because when I'm going through a rough patch and recover I find it really difficult to remember or explain the feelings I was having during that period..(does that make sense??) lol.
I bet you are so proud of your daughter for her achievements, and so you should be!!:yesyes:
I started citalopram 10mg around 8yrs ago after losing my best friend, but have just had my dose upped to 20mg.. I think the proprananol are working but I wish the could do more, I still feel like I'm living on a knife edge..
Well I have to nip out later to find out my 1st year University results which will either make me feel real good or otherwise..lol
Hope you have abetter day today..
Keep in touch
Martin

[martin1976]

Hi Bill, you point out very good observations and reasons behind the feelings which make a lot of sense, its just very difficult when these descend to think in such a logical way. Although reading them can sometimes help to dampen the symptoms.. I find the worst feeling is that of inward thinking its so distressing to me, possibly through low self esteem or otherwise, but I really do hate it with a passion!!:mad:
Good point about a hobby.. I've been thinking of joining a boxing club so I can get a lot of physical exercise whilst also releasing a lot of pent up tension/frustration.. Although it is a concern that I'm 33 and I might end up spending a lot of time in traction with really bad nerves!! lol
I do realize a lot of people suffer from this but I just hate the way anxiety morphs into new symptoms concerns etc... Its surely a real pain in the ass..
All the best
Martin

[martin1976]

Hi Chem, I wish I could feel like you do at home because I spend 90% of my time there! But I'm the opposite in the fact I start to feel better once out in company. Does the propranonol help with intrusive thoughts if you suffer them too, as it is these that are really hard to accept for me. I can relate to self harm and as a child I used to pull my hair and punch myself in the face!! Sounds stupid now but hey ho.. (just to state I don't do that now!!)lol
I agree in that it is not lack of confidance as I find the people who suffer like are us are probably the strongest willed characters around because we understand time, patience and the fact of HAVING to stand and fight to be counted.. Also its when I'm on my own that I struggle, I'm a musician and have no problem (in fact prefer) being on a stage behind a microphone in front of a large crowd, because I am being counted at that moment in time and have to ignore my inner feelings.. Thats when I'm in control..
Like you say you have to not feel the fear, although when alone thats all I do, it can become so hard...
All the best
Martin

[MidnightCalm]

SometimesI just wake up with high anxiety, getting out helps but not when I have company, I'm always thinking they;re looking at me, wondering why I'm acting the way I am.
Sometimes I wind myself up about it so much I can get bedridden, really ill, can't eat, tired and just plain SH*T.

[martin1976]

Midnightcalm, I can understand about staying in bed but I only do it to sleep as much as possible as thats the only time I'm not torturing myself (it feels like). Although I don't bother about what people think, I don't like to commit myself to talking to people at certain times as I have got so much on my mind. On the other hand sometimes I feel I could chew the ear off any random person about a multitude of topics as I feel my mind is racing round and round..
All the best
Martin

[supersezza]

I think sometimes it's best to try and talk about normal stuff, I know we all have issues on our mind but sometimes it's just feeding into it if we make it more of a problem.

It's a hard one alright!

All the best Martin.

[simona57]

Well, this sound slike General Anxiety disorder which I too sometimes get some attacks. This has become a more common illness in most of the Busy people today. The primary reason for this is Stress and busy life. All I can say is that this can be treated well if you decide to get well. Sounds weird?
Well, What I do to avoid these attacks is to first think positive and be involved in as many as activities you can, whenever I am alone, I am taken over and I am in hell.
Also, a sound advise from an anxiety expert will boost your betterment.
Hope you will be well soon.

[mumoftwo]

Hi Martin,

Id a better day today, still not 100% but better than yesterday. How did you get on with your uni results, i hope it was good news for you.

I think the book has lifted me a bit and im really going to try out her methods, id did today and i didnt get any worse, but dont know if i could put it into practice when im having a really bad day. But i bet il be able to find out pretty soon.

please send me a personal message anytime and let me know how you are doing.

Thinking of you

mumoftwo:)

[Bill]

Hi Chem,

Just a little to try and explain what I meant about feeling trapped and lack of confidence and how they relate.

Yes, I do agree it's too simplistic to point at just one underlying cause because there are a variety of traits and causes to our anxiety.

I don't feel trapped at home. I love the peace and quiet of it when everyone is gone for the day. I don't do much, but for me the anxious thoughts and panic only start when I have to go outside.

I'm sure that you do feel perfectly safe and happy at home and as you say, your anxious feelings only start when you go outside. If you put this another way, if you feel anxious when you attempt to go outside, you don't feel "free" to do as you please free of anxiety. Therefore, although you are content within your boundaries, your fear still creates a trap, even if you are able to go out feeling anxious. To be "free" would mean being happy both indoors and outdoors free of anxiety. If anxiety prevents us from doing what we choose, in our minds it is creating a cage for us without us realising it.

When we don't feel free due to our anxiety, the trap it creates causes fear and stress, so although we may feel totally content and happy within our "cage", anxiety still becomes a part of our lives because it is always there dormant within us ready to be triggered-it's still there, sleeping, ready to wake and pounce.


I don't think that my anxiety has anything to do with lack of confidence, simply a set of circumstances that have overwhelmed me. I think it's too simplistic to say that all the answers can be found within ourselves. Sometimes external factors and relationships play a big part.

When I mention lack of confidence, would you say you feel confident when attempting to go out? If not, I would say there is a lack of confidence for whatever reason, whether it's too much stress, bad past experiences, panic etc. Someone can feel totally confident within areas they feel comfortable in so lack of confidence need not be general. It could be quite specific when panics results.

Also though, if we have had bad experiences due to others, those events not only cause us alot of emotional stress but they will also cause us alot of anxiety so in effect, the experiences would have knocked our confidence and replaced it with fear.

Hope that makes things clearer regarding what I was trying to say and I do totally agree with you regarding your approach towards panics.:hugs:

Martin, yes, inward thinking can be a real pain when you're trying to relax. That's why even when we are relaxing we need to train the mind to not look for anxiety feelings and rather focus on a good habit of learning how to relax properly.:)

[Chem]

Martin: "Does the propranonol help with intrusive thoughts if you suffer them too, as it is these that are really hard to accept for me. I can relate to self harm and as a child I used to pull my hair and punch myself in the face!! Sounds stupid now but hey ho.. (just to state I don't do that now!!)lol
I agree in that it is not lack of confidance as I find the people who suffer like are us are probably the strongest willed characters around because we understand time, patience and the fact of HAVING to stand and fight to be counted.. Also its when I'm on my own that I struggle, I'm a musician and have no problem (in fact prefer) being on a stage behind a microphone in front of a large crowd, because I am being counted at that moment in time and have to ignore my inner feelings.. Thats when I'm in control.."

I do suffer intrusive thoughts and agree that they are hard to deal with, coming out of the blue and maybe in no way related to what I'm doing. The Propanalol does help me with these.
I can understand you feeling in control when you are on stage, because then you are wearing a mask - you are a seperate persona to the you that you have to live with all day. I used to have to wear a uniform jacket. As soon as I put it on in the morning I felt and walked diferently. People only identified me by the jacket and never bothered to look at the person inside it.
I think both of these are things many "normal" people feel and hide. Their outside face is very different from that they wear at home. Sometimes, being sensitive people, we recognise this is happening and worry that it is unusual, when actually it is quite normal behaviour.

Bill: "If anxiety prevents us from doing what we choose, in our minds it is creating a cage for us without us realising it.

When we don't feel free due to our anxiety, the trap it creates causes fear and stress, so although we may feel totally content and happy within our "cage", anxiety still becomes a part of our lives because it is always there dormant within us ready to be triggered."

I choose to live my life alone and indoors. I freely choose not to go where there are a lot of people. I could change my lifestyle, but do not see the need to put myself into situautions that appear threatening to me. I think recovery is about making decisions as to what you personally want from life. I am not a gregarous, outgoing person by nature. My anxieties came from being forced out into the workplace and the expectations on me to act like, and condone the beliefs of, the peer group around me. I also made the mistake of trusting that those people would behave in a manner fitting to their position. You know the saying about the word ASSUME - it makes an ASS of U and ME.

Bill "Also though, if we have had bad experiences due to others, those events not only cause us alot of emotional stress but they will also cause us alot of anxiety so in effect, the experiences would have knocked our confidence and replaced it with fear."

To me, stress is something that comes from inside me. It is my feeling, and often people feel ashamed or that they have failed when they say they feel stressed. However, most of what we actually feel is applied pressure from outside. Presure to conform, to work too hard, to be good parents, to do too much.... By refusing to take on board as our personal feelings those pressures put upon us by others, we can reduce anxiety and gain the confidence to say "this is enough. It's not what I want"

[Bill]

I agree Chem. There's nothing wrong with living within the limitations we feel happy with. I do the same in lots of ways. What's important is that we find happiness.

It sounds like you've been through a very rough time with people and I just wanted to say how sad that makes me feel. If only there were more caring sensitive people like you and this world would be a much happier place to live in.:hugs:

[martin1976]

Hi Supersezza, I've gotta say it is definetly easier to cope with if you can talk about other stuff that takes your mind off the anxiety even if for a short time.. I'm gonna start a thread in Misc about music/books/films people enjoy/relate to or just bloody love to bits!! lol
Simona57 I agree that it is in your mind whether you can "allow" yourself to be healed, although just to be able to do this can take a really long time and equal amounts of belief and bravery and understanding... But this journey can be aided with the likes of people on this forum..
All the best
Martin

[supersezza]

that's a good idea Martin...distraction is key sometimes!