I'm finding it so hard right now... suicidal thoughts... ocd?

[aeroz21]

I am so depressed today. I knew I had anxiety disorder, probably ocd... and now I feel like depression is setting in. I do get odd days where I feel more down than others, but man. Today is a doozy. I mean... I don't know what to do. I'm 24 years old. This is my 3rd episode of anxiety and depression where it's been so bad I can't work. I live with my parents and I'm still depedent on them (apart from the £50 a week I get from benefits). I don't have many friends. I am close to my family, but they live in Australia and the Philippines which is SO far. I don't have a job. I've never had a boyfriend. I feel like a complete failure and a loser. I have goals and dreams.... but now I'm just thinking you know, what's the point? Who's going to hire me now after THREE bouts of absolutely no job? I'm supposed to be going to start a degree with the Open Uni but I'm SO full of doubt that I won't be able to do it... and even if I can, who will hire me with such an awful employment record? I need to be able to pass and get a job in Computing so I can move to Australia to be closer to my family. But here I am... sitting... questioning the meaning of life. Wondering what's the point and if I would be better off dead. And these thoughts are scaring the HELL out of me... you have no idea. I have never been suicidal. I've had thoughts about it like now... but these thoughts seem different. I'm so scared I'm going to lose it and act on them.
Where's the hope? What is the point? I guess I'm just pitying myself. But I'm so low at the moment... no self esteem left in me. What does the world think of a 24 year old loser?

[munkeyinblack]

I think the world thinks that you should give yourself a break. Your are clearly having a tough time at the moment and need time to heal. Employers will respect the fact that you realised this and didn't push yourself to burnout. Absenses which can be explained are not a problem.
You are doing well hun just try and get that faith in yourself back. To be where you are now having come through is an achievement. Things will get bettter, Pm me if you ever need a chat

Munkey
x

[aeroz21]

Thanks, Munkey. I don't know... I guess I'm just panicking about EVERYTHING, and it's just making me so depressed. I mean, it's not just jobs I'm scared about... I constantly scare myself about my parents dying. Then I worry about being a burden on them because they're near retirement age & we're not the richest people in the world. Then I compare myself to my friends who are all steady people with successful careers and relationships. Now I'm scared that I'm going to end up losing my mind... I constantly feel like screaming and crying. Some of you know that I have felt like this before, but it's worse now. I'm scared I'm going to start pondering the 'meaning of life' for so long that I end up screaming for someone to just let me die. How depressing? I've never felt like this before, ever. It is just terrifying me.

Anyway, sorry to be such a downer. I guess I just have a lot to vent.

[Ddcoo]

Hi aeroz, I have just read the post by tiredzombie and the answer that Workplacedoctors have given, and I hope it will do as much good for you as it has for me. It explains why we are like we are, which gives me a lot of hope. I have just upped my antidepressants which I know is the right thing for me to do. Please do not think that you will not be able to enjoy life again, it is a matter of speaking to the doctor and getting the right medication for our problem. I have been battling with depression and anxiety all my life and have felt inferior to "normal" people, but no more, I have just realised that I lack certain elements in my system that can be replaced by tablets, maybe in the future I will not give myself such a hard time. I really hope this article will give you hope.:hugs::hugs: