Support understand wanted...anxiety sufferer signed off work

[supersezza]

Hi all, I sufffered from a huge burst of anxiety/depression at 19-22 which coincided with a first relationship...it came as a bolt out of the blue...i'd been
fine before that. Anyways long story short it took me a long time to get over but when I did I was away again, socialising, 3 promotions in 3 years at work, moved back out of home...the lot!

Got to October last year and someone from my work started pursuing me quite intently...being that bit older and wiser now, 25 and also having no boyfriend since the last one I thought what the heck let's goes for it! Almost immediately the stress started, Christmas day I could tell I wasn't right, he visited over christmas and when he left I cried, more out of relief that I'd got through it
I think...anyway I ploughed on till march but by then my thoughts about it were all consuming...made the break and felt relieved for about a week...then the thoughts started again, then the tears and panic mostly around why couldn't I cope with it then just very beating myself up thoughts I guess. I saw an NLP therapist all the way through this who kept urging me to keep going...so I did, my anxiety was sooooo high though all the time. Went to the doctors last week, prescribed citalopram 10mg n signed off for 3 weeks. So
I'm now back with my parents feeling the same as
last time. I want to stay in bed as much as possible, don't want to go outside, don't really want to talk to people, def don't want to go back to work as I think people will look at me differently now.

My anxiety is high all the time i'd say 8-10. Thoughts r ever present..in short it's not great and I'm very frightened off what will happen next. I also worry greatly about how I will ever form a decent relatiionship as they r def the trigger...the daft thing is both guys this has happened with I didn't like that much!

Any thoughts or just encouragement greatly appreciated,you all seem like a lovely bunch x

Sarah

[YvonneBelle]

Hi Sarah,

I can totally relate to that. I'm older (43) and have had lots of highs and lows during my career and am currently signed off sick with depression - and this is a new job! So like you, don't want to go back because I know I'll be viewed differently. My case is probably a little bit different because I'm also at a career crossroads. The signs have been there for years that the type of work I do just doesn't suit my interests or personality. After a time, that wears you down.

Added to this, things have not gone well romantically either, so I can empathise with relationships being some sort of trigger to anxiety and depression.

I displayed all the same symptoms, wanting to sleep all the time and just totally withdrawing, not able to cope with even the simplest of things. Tired all the time, tearful and just blaaahhhh! It's horrible.

The citalopram is really helping I have to say though. I'm feeling much more on a level now (although not out of the woods yet) and have started to see things a little more objectively.

Work relationships are often difficult but they do sometimes work. The danger is when they don't - especially in offices. I really fell for someone at work many years ago and although nothing happened, I have never really got over it or had any relationships since. It's wierd. Almost as if nobody else matches up in a way, but of course nobody is perfect and I now realise that I should have moved on from those feelings a long time ago.

It's hard to say exactly what triggers a depression and sometimes a number of things stack up - or something from the past isn't yet resolved. That's where I think talking therapies can help, such as counselling. I'm going through that myself right now and I think it will weed a few things out of my system that have been hanging around for far too long now.

Best of luck with this! It's not easy I know but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope you start to feel better soon,

Yvonne :flowers:

[supersezza]

Thanks Yvonne...I think that's why i scare myself sometimes, i don't want my life to be a serious of peaks and troughs...otherwise i'll build up, then lose it all, build up lose it all...pretty demotivating cycle really!

Maybe it is a confidence thing and we dont take the steps to getting what we want? therefore end up anxious and upset?

that's good about the citalopram...sometimes i feel really upset and i dont cry but that's the thing i have noticed so far after only 4 days i guess.

the daft thing is i only got with this guy coz i knew he was leaving our work and moving away...playing it safe...ha ha i have to laugh as it didn't work...what was meant to be a bit of harmless 'practise' turned into a 6 month relationship which ended up pretty intense! probably another area i need to look at...not sure why i didn't press 'delete' sooner. i think it's coz i doubt myself and my feelings and actually the guy turned out to be quite nice to me.

my mum is dragging me out in a bit for a walk...blah..i just want to stay in my room and watch videos (old school i know) i feel sorry for her, must be like having a big baby in the house!

i'm just terrible at drawing a line under things though...we spilt in march and i've gradually slipped since then...my mum is constantly trying to get me to see the light in work etc but it's very hard to do.

just feel like i'm constantly in my head and wide eyed with fear...

thank you for the reply though...i will do my best to help others on here too...:yesyes:

[supersezza]

well i went out today for about 4 hours which is good for me at the moment! went to my house share and picked up a few more things to take home, also went to the hairdressers, pub and sat in a field for a bit...all ok!

makes me think i needed the time off just to literally calm down a bit.

i guess my problem now is moving past it all.

unfortunately the guy that triggered this bout used to work with me so i have to see his name like all the time and also we've got joint friends etc.

also everytime i try and push past it i have the 'what if' symdrome, the kinda how can u move past this knowing that every relationship you've been in has resulted in complete emotional failure...how can u be confident and happy knowing that?

i really do struggle!

i have to hold onto the fact today though that i do feel better for getting out, otherwise i just lie on my bed all tense and what to get up really late and bed really early...basically trying to reduce the day down to nothing.

so i guess my discussion would be how to you move forward knowing a big weakness about yourself which knocks you? it's not as easier as sucking it up, it really brings me down as i feel a bit of a relationship/cool person leper! i just want to be comfortable in my own skin!

thanks in advance,

Sarah

[daydreamer]

Hi Sarah,

sorry to hear about your anxiety/dep, sounds like your going through it at the moment. Ive had a relapse of my anxiety since the beginning of this yr also, although not due to relationship problems. I know when it happened again to me I felt like a failure, a big failure for letting it get to me again, maybe thats how your feeling a little bit? I think sometimes we can be hard on ourselves, too hard, that only adds to our stress. I spent so long trying not to be a failure and to be perfect that I caused myself so much stress it brough me down again.

I think the only way, or so I have been told by my therapist!, is to work on self esteem. I know that my low self esteem (that Ive had since for as long as I can remember, lol) causes me to think I am a failure every time something goes wrong, which is not always the case, its just my dysfunctional thinking!

Start focussing the positives, easier said than done I know, but even if they are only small things. So for example, you went out today for 4hrs, give yourself some credit for that! doing that when you feel bad is a challenge and you did it well. Maybe you could try buying a self help book on self esteem/anxiety.

[supersezza]

hi daydreamer,

thank you for your kind words.

yes i'm sure there is some of that mixed in with it and comparing myself so others and a bit of feeling annoyed/sorry at and for myself at the same time.

sometimes i think i can move forward but there's always something that pulls me back...either a thought or a feeling.

that's a good idea about the book...i guess we can always learn...sometimes it feels like this is hard wired though, like i would never have thought it possible how bad i can get sometimes....ah to float through life!

i have an outing planned tomorrow too though to see some scarecrows! it's an open garden thing, so i will put on a nice summery dress and put my best foot forward and try and forget about everything else!

it should be a lovely weekend : )

[daydreamer]

thats good to hear, hope you have a nice weekend :D x

[martin1976]

Hi Supersezza, I would try not to worry yourself about men/relationships too much, we're really not worth it!! lol. No, in all seriousness I think you will find it easier to concentrate on yourself and when self esteem grows and love and acceptance for yourself rises, then I am sure you will come across someone who can apprieciatte you more so than those past..
I used to look for solace in the arms of girls when I was younger which led to more confusion of dealing with someone elses emotions aswell, and I also regret my actions in terms of hurting them by leaving them with no explanation etc... (which I've since apologized for!!) because my mind weren't in the right place..
Anyways I hope you feel better soon
Best wishes
Martin

[supersezza]

hi - well the ups and downs of this time! i really didn't sleep at all, ended up turning on my light and reading at 7am lol! daft really!

so yes really not feeling very good today...but in good news, still went to the open gardens thing...in very posh village near us...how the other half live i tell you! and won my dad a bottle of port in a raffle...go me!

martin i think you are right...happiness shouldn't depend that much on external factors and it does to me sometimes...i place a high importance of doing well and right etc etc and perceive things as a failure even when heck if u dont like someone enough u r doing both of u a favour by stopping it really...but i think nit pick over everything.

but yes unless i love myself then i can't love others...i find all that kinda stuff hard to get my head round though.

self acceptance or acceptance of situations/feelings is hard...

what do people do except try and say to themselves i accept this? i find it hard as it makes me feel very down on myself and also anxious about facing the world?

thanks,
S

[martin1976]

Hi, I may say things that make sense but I can't always put them into practice!!
I do understand about self acceptance being difficult as i'm very uncomfortable within my own skin... Its hard to explain sometimes, its like I don't know myself so will always try to do the right things in order to over compensate for my lack of confidence. Does that make sense??
I think we spend so much time looking in at ourselves we lose focus on what most people take for granted..
Well done on winning the wine, I'm sure your dad will be pleased..
Anyhoo all the best
Martin

[suzannacorfu]

Hi Supersezza,
Everyone who has panic, GAD etc feels like a failure darlin'!!! A good way of checking out your thoughts and seeing if you are being too hard on yourself is to stop and ask yourself how you would judge a good friend of yours who was in your position? Would you really be so hard on a friend who had had 2 relationships which didn't go well???
I do this and believe me it helps! I despise myself and make myself ill because I am terrified of the dentist and rarely go. One day I realised that 2 good friends of mine are the same and all I have ever felt for them is EMPATHY!!!!!! I have never despised THEM. I feel for their fear! So how come I am despising myself and not feeling empathy for ME huh??
Try it every time you feel like a failure. I can assure you that you will begin to realise how hard your are on yourself.
Come on give yourself a break!

[supersezza]

hiya no i wouldn't....i guess it's catatrophising but i'd just like to have one that didn't end in disaster! that is a good point though, i'd just tell them they felt anxious coz it wasn't right and that each new relationship would be a different experince for them. i get annoyed at how much i let it get to me i guess but u r right if i was kinder to myself then i wouldn't feel this bad.

thank you..

[suzannacorfu]

Please try and use this method as often as you can! I have to remind myself every time I start to beat myself up! Of course you'd like a relationship that doesn't end in disaster! And you will have one!!! But if you can learn to judge yourself more objectively then you'll be in a much better position to get one!!

I bet that if you asked every one of us here we'd tell you how frustrated we get with ourselves and how hard we are on ourselves for being such failures but look at what we are doing: WE ARE BEING EMPATHETIC TO ALL THE OTHERS HERE!!!!
So come on, check your thinking. Really try and see how hard you are on yourself.
It will take time and practise though!!
I'm still reminding myself every other day!

[supersezza]

I will try, what's the worst that can happen!

But yes the old follow your own advice is kinda right!

[daydreamer]

wise words Suzanna, going to try that myself next time Im beating myself up about something! cheers x

[suzannacorfu]

It is amazing what we accept in others and how hard we are on ourselves. We don't even realise that we are like this until you take a step BACK from your thoughts and REALLY look at what you are thinking.
I have noticed that whenever I am "hit out of the blue" by an anxiety attack that if I am honest there was some of this type of thinkinggoing through my head sometime before. There IS no "out of the blue" guys. There is always a trigger and that trigger is always something to do with these types of thoughts.
Getting to know yourself and HOW you think about yourself helps immensely.
It is the "out of the blue" feeling that makes us feel so vulnerable to these attacks guys NOT the attacks themselves!
We'll get there in the end though!

[supersezza]

Hi all bad day today, just didn't want to get out of bed, felt very tense and head heavy etc. Managed to get dressed but that was a struggle n did a bit of ironing. Just feel like I'm withdrawing more n more and that's not good but it's what I feel like I guess.

[daydreamer]

Sezza, I know how you feel cause I have been like that lately, but Im really trying to make an effort to do one thing everyday, or even every week that I would rather avoid doing, its the only way Im going to get myself out of this rut Im in. The more we avoid stuff, the harder it is to face it again. That said, everyone has bad days/ lazy days, I have my fair share! Be positive and hope that tomorrow will be a better day x

[supersezza]

Thanks daydreamer,

Well today I made myself go out the house went to the library and supermarket..go me. All ok but just done with head in the clouds type feeling, tried concentrating on sight sounds external things etc. Sunbathed in afternoon and did stop reading a few times just to think, have to really try n stop that as it's just depressing n anxiety producing ruminations.

Then couple of friends came round from work n dragged me out...was ok glad they did. They were encouraging me to go back to work but also not to brush this under the carpet, as in I've got to learn to deal with things more...ATM I'd settle for the carpet option!

[daydreamer]

Yep I hate to say it but your work mates are right! Sounds like you had a good day yest, I did too I went out and saw friends just what I needed.

Good thing is you recognised when you started to ruminate and have anxiety thoughts, if you can do this in future it means that you can stop it as soon as it starts, distract yourself or do some breathing exercises or anything to avoid thinking about the anxiety etc..

[supersezza]

glad you had a good day too daydreamer.

i've made myself go out today as well, aiming for something outside the house everyday, thought i'd try driving today to see how i found it...went ok drove to a shopping centre and stayed there for 2 hours which is good, bought 2 new dresses and some krispy kremes for pudding tonight...yum!

i am trying to recognise the thoughts etc and stop them...sometimes i manage it, sometimes half an hour later i think god i thought that! and then chastise myself for even having such a negative thought about myself...i guess my worse thoughts about myself are kinda around the 'what's the point' angle and the 'i'll never be a social success/cool person' and things like that...i know i've got to just try and accept myself more. sometimes i do just catch myself sitting and thinking and i've got to try and stop that....when i got back into the car i just sat there for a while and sometimes when i'm brushing my teeth or something suddenly i'm aware that i've just been thinking rather than doing and it's all just total rumination about my weaknesses i guess.

as to work...i'm really trying to pschye myself up to going back, half of me kinda thinks i've got to, it's too much to lose and the other half is freaking out and is worried about facing people, seeing things to do with the ex, knowing that people know and generally burning myself out again with the travel and pressure of it all...sigh.

[daydreamer]

Yes I know what you mean about the thoughts, its hard isnt it! After seeing friends yesterday all I could think about was what I'd said, whether I looked/sounded stupid, same as you 'Im not cool enough/social successful' kinda thoughts and I couldnt sleep with it all going round in my head. I have a headache today, lol! I guess the more we do stuff, the more it will become the norm and the less anxious thoughts we will get - well thats what Im hoping anyway!


Try not to think too much about work while you have this time off, focus on yourself and getting better. Glad you had a nice day today :)

[supersezza]

Very hard! it is horrible knowing that you can be like this really...gotta try not to worry though i guess....it's noticing the thoughts and challeging them...i've got to get better at that rather than trying to solve the problem by listening to them.

sounds like u r a little over-analytical too! we need to learn how to roll with the punches and go with the flow!

thank you daydreamer, you're replies mean a lot.

i've got my new dress on anyway and have had lots of compliments on it!

thanks for the advice re work. it's just hard coz it's in the back of my mind really...it's a pity the relationship and the trigger has a link to it really, i need to learn not to run and hide though everytime something goes 'wrong'...

[supersezza]

today started off ok went out with my mum for a walk and she brought up going back to work which just brought me right back down and into a moody teenager! felt like stamping my feet and saying i'm not going!! then when we got home she went all nice on me and i had a little cry about it, i just dont feel capable of doing it in my present state of well trauma i'd say...i dont want to face people or do the work, it's kinda a mixture of shame, fear of seeing people and being forced to do things again and then just a bit of sadness i guess that i'd lost my confidence and maybe social standing there a bit if that makes any sense...

anyway i just wanted a ramble really...!

[daydreamer]

that does make sense but thinking too much / overanalyzing it now (while your supposed to be having a break from it all to get better!) is not going to help much I dont think, but again thats easier said than done.

I can totally understand your fear and if it was me I would be thinking about it all the time as well, but Im sure that a lot of it is anticipation anxiety and when it comes to you actually going back you will be strong enough to face it and cope. Im sure your stronger than you think you are! The alternative is not to go back, but then you would have to start a new job and the thought of that would be just as scary Im sure. either that or be unemployed like me, which I can tell you is also very stressful and does nothing for your confidence. Im sure if you go back to work your confidence will slowly grow again and that will help ease your anxiety. Just my opinions anyway!

Have you thought about a phased return to work? do you know if that would be possible? maybe you could ask? so just go in a couple of days on your first week back to ease yourself into it again?

[supersezza]

hi daydreamer you are right, i've too much to lose by not going back, i think i'll up the dosage of my meds to 20mg and yes ask for a phased return...it's just SCARY with big capital letters!

i just need to get past those thoughts surrounding what's the point kinda thing...def easier said than done!

but yes i feel more rested after these few weeks off...my anxiety is less tangible more background all the time still...

it's just scary is all! FEAR false evidence appearing real!

thanks for the reply again...sorry i witter on!

[supersezza]

Bad day today think I'm just gonna write it off!

Got a text n calls from the ex last night quite late like midnight kinda time saying he misses me lots of kisses etc....told him it doesn't help but he said he wouldn't apologise! Nice!

So yeah I'm still in bed feeling really stressed out with a headache etc....didn't wake up till 12.30 either....sigh.

How am I going to get over this?

[daydreamer]

If it makes you feel any better I had a crap day yesterday and todays not been great either. I had a panic attack yesterday for the first time in a good few months, not nice! since then I have been highly anxious and can feel the adrenaline pumping round me, trying to relax but its just not happening, stuggling to find a way to calm myself down at the mo!

sorry to hear you've had a bad few days too, I wont even start to offer you relationship advice because its not something Im very good at either!

Lets just hope we both have a good day tomorrow, LOL! x

[supersezza]

Yep today didn't happen!

Sorry to hear that...try doing some deep breathing if you can, it's so annoying when u feel that wired though there's not a lot u can do I don't think.

Can u go for a walk at all?

Sarah

[daydreamer]

calmed down a bit now, just told myself to chill! Keep having thoughts of failure and weakness but trying to remember what suzanna said, would I tell my friend she was a failure if she had a panic attack? No, so Im just going to stay positive! (try anyway, lol!)

[daydreamer]

cant stop crying now....... which sucks as that makes me anxious too....... headache.....ouch!

[supersezza]

Oh no, weird i ended up in tears too with a headache, tomorrow is another day though...u got anything planned?

Did u talk to anyone? I said to my mum about my ex and felt better afterwards, just knackered now! X

[supersezza]

pretty bad day again today really....i think i'm just gonna have to take it easy for a while.

got up and in the shower this morning and just felt like my head was spinning with a million things, tried to calm myself down but the water and everything was just freaking me out...weird i know.

ended up having to lie down on the floor for about 20 mins as i felt so sick and faint....then just ran to my room and fell on the bad...think i semi fainted a little bit then.

got my mum who said i looked pale etc and then just got into bed and fell asleep for another 3 hours!

just come to again now...it's crap though.

i never normally feel faint etc.

only think i can think of is that it's combo of just stress/meds and time of the month?!

just feels tho the longer this goes on the harder it will be to recover...this is the 2nd day in bed really....damn those texts they've really pushed me back i think...after my good day of going shopping too : ( sucky!

[supersezza]

better day today which is an improvement...i'm just gonna have to be so strong...i think the name of the game is actually acceptance, just accept that i'll feel like this for a while but also accept it WILL get better so this is just temporary...i love my family with an unconditional love i've just got to apply that to myself really.

love and have a peaceful sleep,

Sarah

[supersezza]

feel a little better today! went out of my bedroom a bit more and am off for a walk in a bit...just feel a little irritable today and more annoyed about things coupled with a bit of sadness really.

did lots of breathing exercises in the garden today which i do think helped a little calming me down etc.

i also checked my work emails which was a good step forward...not a lot going on, they could prob do it without me ha ha!! x

[daydreamer]

thats good to hear Sezza!

[supersezza]

well i've been back to the doctors today and filled in one of their form things again, my scores were worse for anxiety and depression!!

so she's signed me off for another 4 weeks and referred me to the old mental health team...i'm actually not feeling that bad about it, i do wonder though if that's to do with me withdrawing me and being happy that i get longer to 'hide' we shall see...

i know i'm not winning the battle though so we'll see what the mental health team say...the place we have here is awful though, hopefully it will have improved since my last unfortunate visit!

she's increased my dose to 20mg of citalopram too...hopefully this will help the depression a bit.

trouble is i kinda know what i have to do but well i'll admit it sometimes it's easier to hide at my parents in my room rather than force myself to do things feeling like this....i will try more though i have to, and i have to accept that it will be feeling bad for a while....i can recover from this i know i can!!! :noangel:

[daydreamer]

Its ALWAYS easier to avoid and to hide than to face what scares you! I am the queen of avoidance, I do it REALLY well, lol! It makes me happy in the short term but thoroughly miserable in the long term, it definitely doesnt help in the long term. But hopefully the meds/therapy will have worked a bit more in 4 weeks time to make you feel a lot better that your feeling now. You can recover from this! :)

[supersezza]

thanks! i actually feel ok today, well a little down etc still but i'm not any worse...but yes i do worry that i'm just like 'ha ha see i am ill and now this proves it so i dont have to do anything!' but yes maybe another week and this referral will help me a bit....i've just got to be careful that they just dont trudge everything up again i guess and make it worse.

well today i've done doctors, shopping and a walk plus reading in the garden which is ok.

tomorrow my aim is to clean my car...:shades:

[daydreamer]

well done you've done a lot today and you felt ok doing it, thats got to be a good sign! x

[supersezza]

thanks...yep it was ok, lots of talking about things but then that's hard to avoid sometimes!

just staying downstairs to watch TV now...no retreating to the bedroom, and i was up at 10am too, very early for me, ha ha!

how are you today?

[supersezza]

hi all, today has been a weird one, went to my house share (were i've lived for 2 years now) but am currently back with my parents, was weird being there, not sure a happy feeling anymore as it's associated with the ex i guess...i feel like i should be able to get over this though as it's a nice house and we all get on well etc....i feel like peoples live r all moving forward though and constantly changing and that mine is just well stuck i guess....this in turn makes me feel worse about myself.

but anyway it was nice seeing my housemate and i also went food shopping and sat in the garden...my head just doesn't feel with it today though at all.

i wonder if the increase in meds needs time to settle down again too?

i have yet to hear from the mental health team too but we shall see.

Sarah

[daydreamer]

'i feel like peoples live r all moving forward though and constantly changing and that mine is just well stuck i guess'

now thats a familiar feeling to me too, its horrid!

Deja-vu, seems the story of my life. How do you move on from always feeling a failure?! if anyone knows can you tell me please! LOL!

[supersezza]

ha ha...i guess the answer is to be your best friend again!

today was ok for me...didn't get up that early i must admit again, got sucked into watching something on tv in bed, whoops.

then i got up and made some gingerbread men, that was pretty good, then played on the Wii a bit till dinner time.

feel a little weird still but actually generally better...i am frightened to say that actually, i imagine it's the anti depressant kicking in, especially on my upped dose.

the things i now have to work on for this month are getting up earlier, getting out every day even if it's just round the block...and also the BIGGIE for me...starting to socialise and make plans with people again...i have bravely accepted a cinema invitation for 2moro, initially the thoughts were, i dont want to be around anyone, it's safer and nicer in my parents house, the cinema will be weird with people there, i won't enjoy the film...etc etc! ha ha ha comical really! but then i thought i have to say yes, i just have to...even if i get upset about not enjoying it fully i have to try....it's gonna be hard but hey. oh the film is eclipse btw, which i really like...eep i hope i enjoy it! gosh i'm trying to stay calm but i can feel my anxiety going up already...eepppp.........anyone got any tips?

[daydreamer]

my tip would be to make sure you go! dont back out and try not to think about what might happen because of anxiety, think of how you'll enjoy it, even if you dont you'll still have something to be proud of that you went and you did it!

I can tell you from experience that if you refuse people's invitations to socialise, after a while they just wont bother with you - believe me that hurts more than any anxiety!

I hope you enjoy tomorrow x

[supersezza]

good point daydreamer...i guess i have to think what would i be doing if i didn't have this attitude/'illness' etc etc...and i would go and i would love it and i'd be all silly about r-patz etc...in other words i'd just have a laugh and not have the worries of life on my shoulders!

so i've just gotta go and not think of it...if i post back tomorrow and i haven't been you can all give me a virtual telling off!!

might take my friend some gingerbread men too! lol x

[supersezza]

well i'm wiritng off today! lol!

not gonna get upset about it too much though, basically was still awake at 6am so just thought what is the point!

not sure what contributed to this...maybe the combination of thinking i might have to get out today to the cinema added to the fact i know my ex is in the area this weekend which just makes me feel crappo as he's ok and i'm not...petulant child talk i know!

anyways am very tired so i will just be kicking back, relaxing and watching TV before an early night!!

[supersezza]

hmm today, well i slept better than last night so that's good!

but have been very lazy, just tidied my room a bit and had a shower...started taking some photos for ebay but then just couldn't be bothered...whoops.

also i'm def avoiding socialising on a massive scale, i'm not sure how to get round that one as i just feel so out of it really.

got my inital screening assessment though for wed so that's good, not too long a wait really, it's an hour speaking to someone about things so i hope they produce a plan that will help me!

[daydreamer]

thats positive sezza, you managed to get up and do something which is all good! Also something to look forward to for weds :)

Socialising, well cant help you much on that score, I am totally outta the loop too!

[supersezza]

oooh it's annoying isn't it...i know i 'should' do it but i just dont want to...so i end up ignoring people which people aren't gonna really like or possibly understand...

how are you feeling/doing? i really hope you are well or at least managing!

not sure if wed is something to look forward to! but hey it's prob a step in the right direction!

[supersezza]

well today has been ok, got up at around midday, stripped my bed and did a nice lunch for myself.

then was gonna do some ebaying but must admit i wimped out of it and started just going online instead.

had lots of text messages today, i ignored them for a while but then thought i'd better reply...i think i resist coz everyone wants me to come out lol! i just feel so weird and tense tho i can't imagine being out and about.

anyway it's my birthday on the 19th next week....i'm just trying to skip over it tbh...but i've said people can come over on saturday so at least i dont have to leave the house.

got my mental health team appt 2moro...hope that goes ok.

so i will try and incorporate a trip to the library into that...get some new books to read.

[supersezza]

so i went to the mental health team today, saw a nurse and another woman who was sitting in, they were very supportive and we had a good chat, was just general questions etc, lasted about an hour. they have referred me to the wellbeing team to get some CBT, waiting list is about a month though....tsk...but for a psychologist it was 7 months...ridiculous!

they also recommended moodgym and living life to the full websites.

said i 'presented' well which was a funny thing to say but i guess it means when i talk i seem ok about it all....i just said u can't tell what's going on inside!

but yes they just said the same kinda thing really but they want to give me some more specific therapy around self esteem and relationships as this is what trips me off really.

my only concern is that time is ticking on and that this could end up with me being off for a long time. but hey.

rest of the day was ok, felt very tired, still do but that's coz i had to get up early for the appt i guess.

went to the library after appt and then round the supermarket that was ok.

then made dinner for us tonight and have just been watching TV.

also started that mood-gym thing which seems to be good...can see why they think it works and i can identify lots of 'bad' thinking patterns..

might go and get some fizzy laces now...or maybe play on the Wii...i'm not sure!

[supersezza]

haven't posted for a bit as things have just been a bit flat tbh.

not heard yet from the wellbeing team, but i have been working through the moodgym thing and it's been a good refresher tbh.

still just struggling with motivation/positivity etc...feeling a bit down still i guess.

had my friends round today for me birthday which was nice and did go for a walk as well so that was good...i know though it's down to me at the end of the day.

my sleep is still chronic as well...i think i get my best sleep between 6am and 11am which isn't ideal really..!

ah well! onwards and upwards!!

[daydreamer]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sarah! :yesyes: Im glad you had your mates round and managed to have some fun, see thats progress!

I know how your feeling as Ive been feeling like it too, we need to keep telling ourselves that WE CAN DO THIS! cause we can, its going to take time and effort and a little help, but we WILL get there in the end! xxx

[supersezza]

lol thank you!

Well today is my birthday! Go me I've survived so far!!

It's been ok so far...I got up at 1pm...so that's an improvement on my recent 2pm appearances...tomorrow the alarm is being put on for midday!

Got up and didn't feel too bad.

Have moved out of my room...I am also going to do this every day and try and just sleep in my room!

So am in the study on the big PC, so have to sit up rather than being on the bed.

Have listed 5 things on ebay so far and still going!

Opened my cards and got some lovely ones so that's good.

Had a few negative thoughts but am trying to counteract them as soon as I notice them!

So yep it won't be the best birthday ever but it won't be terrible!! Is that positive thinking?!

Anyway just gonna get a chinese later and watch a film...bliss! x

[supersezza]

ok sleep still rubbish but hey, was up at about 1pm today...

got up and into the study, just surfed the net and did a few jobs online etc...

but then i went out for dinner and to the cinema...go me! drove there and back too!!

we got into a convo on the way back about things n i could feel myself getting upset a little but but maybe the citalopram just takes the edge off things.

but i enjoyed the film more than ones i'd seen before time off work etc...my mind is slightly less active i can sense that and we did have a laugh over dinner...! so that's good i guess!!

[supersezza]

so i got the letter from HR today and had to phone them....they were ok...HR are HR though! just said about coming back gradually working from home etc so that might be an option in the future.

got me feeling a bit down though...i know u shouldn't but it's hard not to feel a bit embarrassed or ashamed of it or feeling like people will look differently at you etc.

got my wellbeing appt too....24th of august!! sigh! i guess it's not that far away but still!

up and down hey!

[supersezza]

sorry i'm just gonna blab on!

last couple of days haven't been very nice really..slept better last night but woke with such a feeling of apprehension...yuck!

my worries atm mainly stem around work and what people will think of me..how the hell am i ever going to get back etc etc.

and then also the more general kinda beating myself up thoughts about social relationships/popularity etc i guess.

still doing that moodgym thing...it is helpful and i can see the point of it etc..it's onto the prevention part atm which i think will be useful for me as mine seems to be from a single trigger etc.

not doing much today, have hoovered now gonna do some ironing and cook tea etc... xx

[daydreamer]

Hi Sezza,

You blab on if it makes you feel better, sometimes it good to write things down as it helps you make sense of things!

[supersezza]

yeah that's true! how have u been doing? x

[daydreamer]

ok but not great. Im trying to do as much as possible, housework, walking, going out shopping, getting by, but then I have these moments of thinking 'where am I and what the hell am I doing?' - I dont feel like myself anymore, I should be out working, socialising, instead Im sat doing nothing basically. I have to remind myself that its not just laziness as it might seem to others, its anxiety and its stopping me being me!

I just dont know at what point Im going to wake up and realise Im letting anxiety rule my life and Im wasting my time on it, life's too short anyway, Im properly stuck in a rut but any move to get myself out at the moment seems waaaay to scary...... the thought of getting a job scares me too much so Im not even trying, thats really bad. I think its more to do with the fact I have felt like crap for so long, if I took a risk and it didnt work I would feel even worse and the thought of that it whats stopping me at the moment, I would not want to feel worse than this!

[supersezza]

could you feel worse than this though?!

you sound kinda the same as me...i dont wanna do things till i feel better and that i've got an answer for all of this...unfortunately it's prob the wrong way to look at it!

i have now finished that moodgym thing...was ok but well it's one thing to do it online and another to apply it!

i've prob actually been more depressed over the last couple of days rather than anxious...but then when i think about doing something i get anxious! blimmin heck!!

[daydreamer]

snap! if its not anxiety, its depression......... grr!

[supersezza]

yes but it will get better! it has to! : )

[supersezza]

hi all, haven't updated for a while so sorry for bumping this back up!

hmmm what can i say, i've had moments of going out more and seeing people etc and then also days of getting up at 4pm and not doing a lot!

i have seen my GP this week and she was talking about this being my last month signed off...this has kinda set me off again a little bit or heightened my anxiety...i get the theory, do other stuff so it lifts the depression and also to distract yourself etc but sometimes i just think blimey i'm doing well to get up and do one task somedays! how do they think i'll do that.

other good news i guess is that i've been lucky i think about who i've seen through the CMHT, i'm having cbt through them and have an appt with the wellbeing team this month too...the main thing i think is that i have faith in the lady i'm seeing that she will help me and that's half the battle i think.

i also need to get over the fact that people now know i'm not quite this confident, bubbly, sexy, clever person all the time and that i have faults and vunerabilities etc...i have lots of thoughts around work colleagues and my boss and how they will think of me etc...i feel like i won't be up for nights out whereas in the past i've always been quite popular/drunk one etc! it will take me longer to get back to my best i think.

i have been writing down my thoughts as best as possible for the cbt and they tend to fall into a simialr pattern over and over again so i hope i can tackle them one by one...i've been thinking recently that it's more social anxiety that triggers it for me sometimes.

so yes times r still hard i guess and it's work still to go i guess....!

[supersezza]

hi everyone, unfortunately i am really struggling again, i think with me i try for a while then get frustrated and slip back, today has been a few low day, i have prob been crying for an hour now i guess.

just feel like i keep hitting a brick wall all the time with getting better, i do try but i dont seem to be improving, i have no idea how i'm going to get back to 'normal' again without it taking years which i dont feel like i have.

i just want a pause button for life, i feel constantly stressed even though i'm not doing much...i feel like i want some respite from everyone asking how i am, when i'm gonna get back to work, why aren't i doing more, trying more etc...i just want it to stop for a while.

i saw my friends last night and that was ok but being in my house share just doesn't feel right anymore really.

i have some more cbt next week so i hope that gives me a boost..just feel like things r getting on top of me again i guess.. x

[supersezza]

just to update this...been to see the cmht again this week...the lady i saw again was very nice etc and we did a lot of talking again really...she's given me a few sheets to take away around assertiveness, breaking the lethargy cycle things like that.

i guess my main worry atm is now going back to work...all my thoughts r kinda round the pressure of it of being around people/how to act etc, how will people receive me? will it stress me out too much? i run through lots of scenarios in my head around talking to my boss n director etc.

i have been summoned by HR to my office this month for a meeting with my boss...i guess i should be positive about this rather than negative but i'm struggling to see how i'm going to be able to do it or whether it's just a case of now just having to do it? i'm not sure atm.

i'm still struggling to get up at a reasonable time too...maybe again coz i'm trying to avoid the 'real' world i guess...

my 9 weeks sick pay finishes soon though and i can't really afford stuff without it...sigh!

[daydreamer]

Hi Sezza. I think its a positive thing that your going to see your boss as Im sure it will leave you feeling more positive about going back. Try not to worry and stress too much, maybe going back to work as soon as poss will be a good thing?. Hope your having a good weekend x

[supersezza]

i hope so as it's really a large proportion of my anx at the moment, i am trying to thinking positively about it and not put myself under too much stress etc.

sometimes i can't see myself changing without getting back to work etc and getting the structure etc from there...just hope my mood etc will hold up to it...also just trying to think if it's too much again well i'll just go off...got to be less harsh on myself!

hope u r good x

[daydreamer]

Same old, same old! cant seem to stop the obsessive thoughts of - something bad is going to happen, something is wrong with me etc... Thought for today for me - must try harder! LOL. Hope your doing ok? x

[supersezza]

hi everyone hope u r all ok!

just thought i'd share some good news with everyone...i'm feeling a bit better now : )

had a meeting with work today and agreed to go back for a couple of 3 day weeks soon so we'll see how i do with that....i can't really explain how things have got better really...i haven't been doing that much more really. could be the drugs ha ha...i still have thoughts etc but they dont seem to have the same power over me really...i'm still a little frightened about the future i guess and i will be managing my anxiety intensely still but i think i'm getting there slowly : ) i just feel more normal really...which is normal! x

[daydreamer]

Yey, such good news sezza! Really pleased that your feeling a bit better and Im sure it will continue! yes maybe your right it could be the meds, but it could also be the therapy and all your hard work of course! Have a good bank holiday weekend :yesyes:

[supersezza]

thanks....must admit since i've agreed to go back to work my mood has slipped a little bit but i remember last time going back i was quite negative but things picked up once i was back so fingers crossed again!

got a family reunion this weekend so in the car with the family all weekend...the ipod is charged up with some audio tapes already to spare me!!

[daydreamer]

aww that will be nice, hopefully you'll be able to put thoughts of work etc to the back of your mind and enjoy it! x

[supersezza]

hi all...hope u r all ok.

so my family weekend thing away went really well i think...few thoughts etc but on the whole totally ok.

this week has been alright too...but this weekend hasn't been so great and today has prob been the worse...normally stuff really but i guess the back to work 2moro thing has really got to me today...just want to put my head under the sand again i guess, i hate people knowing that i'm so vunerable at work and i guess i dont feel very confident in going back, on the other hand i can also see the benefits so i guess that's why i'm stressing coz it's the two minds thing again with the over thinking it again really. oh to not be a stress head!!

i haven't started to get ready for the morning yet but i think i will do in a minute, i guess i've got to try and keep being gentle on myself and not too harsh again and take it a day at a time not get too het up in the future etc...work know the deal so i hope i get the support i need etc and also that's im brave enough to ask for it or be honest about how i'm doing i guess as well.

wish me luck!! x

[ann01]

Wishing you the very best of luck at work tomorrow.

[chrisl]

Hope it goes well for you tomorrow:yesyes:

[supersezza]

Aww thanks! I hope to post something positive 2moro xx

[daydreamer]

Thinking of you, hope today goes well x

[supersezza]

Hi guys...sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I didn't make it in today : ( just never really felt like my heart was in it...got very stressed n upset yest and turned against myself again I guess..just lots of thoughts about not being good enough n not wanting to be round people or being able to do the work etc...still in bed now feeling rubbish for letting people down again...not sure what the next step will be now really for me...can't c myself getting in this wk n worry if I try again next week the same will happen...x

[sharon35]

Ah supersezza,
You feel the same as me beating yourself up because of what other people may think.
Reading your post about work sounds just like what im going though at the moment.
At the end of the day if you are not ready then you are not ready i wish i could take my own advice some times.
Wishing you all the best.

Sharon. xx

[daydreamer]

Hiya hun,

listen If your not ready for it and you go back it will just make it worse so you made the right decision not going in. I know you must feel bad for letting people down but they have coped without you untill now and Im sure they will cope a few more weeks! Your priority now is you, try not to feel guilty about work (easier said than done, especially if your like me, I feel guilty about killing a fly!). So have you just taken the week off, or are you thinking you will need longer?

[supersezza]

Thanks for your replies...I know u r right just wish I had more control over my feelings really...just feel embarrassed again now n that I've let my parents down again...mum got home n she thought I was ready n said what r u going to do tho, how r u going to get a reference etc...I know she's worried but to me it wasn't what I wanted to hear really!!

Just writing today off gonna phone work tomorrow n say I'm not ready n ask for more time off...hey ho where's that bucket of sand to stick my head in?! X

[daydreamer]

Hey, how ru feeling today? a bit better I hope. Did you get things sorted with work? Have msg'd ya. Hope your ok x

[supersezza]

Hey thanks for the reply..on my phone so this will be quick! Will reply properly 2moro.

Well I've obv decided time wasn't right...just put too much pressure on myself etc...felt awful yest..all day in bed even dinner! Bit better today but still very shaky etc...phoned doc on holiday...well being team...on holiday! Eventually managed to speak to occ nurse who helped a bit. Think mum is sad about things afraid I'm of the attitude I want to just disappear atm out of life coz of how I feel etc...but obv mum doesn't want that...but yeah it's hard going again really adrenaline is prob up up up! X

[supersezza]

hey everyone just a quick update....still feeling pretty low today, did lots of sleeping which ain't so great!

had people from work saying u need to come back sooner than later and i'm like yes i know but dont pile on the pressure!

but yeah i feel alright if i just stay in the house and sleep late etc but i'm aware that's not a life etc...just feel like i'm so down on myself atm and really doubting me and my ability to remain resilient throughout life...just feel like it's 'safer' to do nothing atm...silly again i know.

:lac:

[daydreamer]

Not silly at all! I know how you feel, real life's too scary so I think I'll run and hide!

[blueangel]

Would your place of work let you come back gradually? A lot of places do this now (it's very common in the NHS, where I work) and you could start off by doing a couple of hours and then build it up over a few weeks.

It is true though, the longer you stay off work, the harder it becomes to go back. I have to support people who are off sick (I'm a union rep) and I see this happen again and again. I know it's hard to get your head around, but the longer you spend time sitting at home being anxious, the worse it will get.

Sorry if this doesn't sound sympathetic, but I've seen this happen to a lot of people over the last 12 years, and it can even affect people who are physically ill rather than depressed or anxious.

Obviously, if the job itself is the issue, rather than the whole thing about having to go to work, then maybe the solution is to look for another job.

[supersezza]

that you for the replies again...yes i know about the going back to work, feel like i need to change my attitude and resillience (sp?!) first...i dunno, i can see the science and the sense behind it all but there is still sometimes stopping me breaking through that anxiety wall! x

[supersezza]

hey so quick update....been doing alright just around the house n stuff...a lot of thoughts still but trying the distraction techniques etc.

but tonight after not going on bloody facebook for ages i had a quick look...was one of my colleagues b/days and of course all my work had gone out and my ex had come down from up north to see them all....as soon as i saw the photo of him hugging one of my colleagues my stomach did a weird flippy thing and i just flushed really red, then felt like crying to be honest...i just find it so annoying...6 months and still that reaction! like when do i get to not care about it?! just wish i wasn't so sensitive...and i feel kinda like now thank god i didn't go back to work coz all i would have been thinking all week was about that night out and him and would have just been so worked up about it all....

anyways spoke to my mum about it and she was like u can feel sad about it, you've missed a night out and you've been stressed and sad about this relationship for a long time...but then she said about the moving on bit and the being strong and putting it in context etc...i couldn't even tell u about the thoughts around it though it was just like whooossh this emotional reaction to it.....and i feel like it's the wrong reaction.

i guess though it's just kinda being like woah that was weird but now thinking so what i missed it...will it matter in 3 years, 5 years...no it really won't...i've got to take the pressure off myself to be all singing all dancing etc all the time and just realise i think that life is kinda about plodding and listening to your emotions and then acting on them...i think i bury mine or try and manage them all the time to feel happy constantly and then get ridiculously down on myself when i dont...i can't go through life like that, i know that...

so i think now i'm gonna do some cbt exercises and maybe write down some lessons and try and learn....as for work that's for another day me thinks! x

[supersezza]

ok so yest was crappo n today i didn't get up till late...but made myself make dinner n then went to the library n supermarket etc to get me out the house....half of me when i'm moving around etc feels better which is a good sign...it is just the work thing which i've really built up now...the kinda thoughts around people knowing about the relationship at work/ my reaction etc blah blah blah...so i'm gonna work on them now...

arranged to meet one colleague 2moro n 2 on thurs night for drinks which is big thing for me really....but maybe it a way seeing my ex with them all has kinda kicked me up the butt...it's just now kinda not thinking i'm in a popularity contest with him coz i do put myself under that pressure rather than just being myself n relaxing etc... x

[supersezza]

hey all how r u?

i am doing alright i think...saw a friend yest n that was pretty much ok...few moment where i felt my mood kinda dipping but on the whole ok.

saw my brother off to london today and have just been chilling watching dexter today, off to the cinema later to see pirranha 3d...lol.

read a book yest which was called 'shoot the damn dog' by sally brampton about her depression...it was a good read i read it really quickly...i would recommend giving it a go to read even if u r just anxious...she was a top uk editor edited elle amongst others and the magazine red...then few things in her life just threw her with also a family pre-dispostion to mental illness...few things i took from the book were about being gentle to yourself (not easy!) and also one which helped me was thinking about whether i actually have a problem with other people or whether i just have a problem with myself and if i have a problem with myself then what's the point...why have a problem with yourself sort of thing?! i dunno it's hard to explain! also she mentioned omega3 tablets, vitamen b and also yoga/meditation....she is now fully recovered but manages her depression everyday...also she does gardening and helps others and also walks 30mins a day...feels like a lot but i guess if it keeps u well then hey...

also i read something which kinda helped me with the relationship thoughts the other day too...which was about not concentrating on getting, keeping, blah dee blah a man etc...work on being the best woman you can be...so work on yourself and dont worry about others i guess the msg is...

so yeah...obv i still have the thoughts/worries etc n i have to try and manage them, write them down and challenge them etc...i dont feel ready to go back to work yet but i am trying everyday to help myself... :hugs:

[daydreamer]

Hey! you sound positive today, thats good. Your right about putting things into perspective, thats good advice! I think having all this time to worry about anxiety etc makes us blow things out of proportion sometimes and we need to look at things in terms of importance as you said.

FB is evil sometimes! Im trying to limit my time on there because I cant be bothered by what other people are doing anymore. half the time Im sure its all lies anyways!

[supersezza]

thanks hun, yeah i did think when i was writing it that it must be a good day!

just got into bed...think i may have a cold :lac:

but went out n went to the cinema etc...2moro meeting friend at 3 for coffee....just got to try n keep this up...i have a week of trying then it seems to kinda stop...hmm!

[supersezza]

Hey guys hope u r all ok?

I've spent the last 3 days in bed : ( had a bit of a cold but if I'm honest prob using it as a bit of an excuse too.

Supposed to b going to c my brother 2moro in London but have backed out..just feels like too much ATM plus I have to sort my old flat out n clear it etc.

Think I'm just getting annoyed with myself again really which dont helpin any which way!

[daydreamer]

Hey, try not to feel bad about not going to see your brother Im sure he understands. There will be plenty of other times you can go visit him Im sure!

I can unerstand why yoru getting annoyed with yourself again, but do you remember what you said to me?! so maybe try listening to some of your own advice, LOL!

Hope you've had a good day today anyway?! I went shopping today on my own! wow big deal I know, but to me it was a big deal cause I havent been shopping on my own for months. Anyway I was quite pleased with myself for that, haha! baby steps.........

[supersezza]

Wow well done you!! That is great!

I feel like i've gone down again unfortunately...really struggling with energy etc, seem to have lost more weight again blah dee blah...

cleared out my old room today and ended up crying coz i feel like this will always kinda happen, like i'm back at my parents again, it's like having a disability or something...and it's horrible to know it's your own mind/upbringing/thoughts on the world etc etc that does that to you...

i try i really do, i read inspriational stuff i try and challenge thoughts but i think under it is just a total lack of confidence in myself to go through life with the normal ups and downs etc...

got wellbeing appt 2moro n doctors on wed so we'll see what they see....just feel like my head is going to explode for the last few days and today i was just sweating, shaking etc...horrid...

sorry this is a bit of a depressing one...

[supersezza]

phew just had a good cry to mum...feel tired now so hopefully 2moro will be a better day.

made mum open a letter from work which i've been sitting on...they want to refer me to occ health but think i'm gonna say no coz they r my colleagues which is a bit weird...

mum suggested i do a weekly email to work every friday to keep them on my side etc...

[blueangel]

Hi again

If I can just jump in here for a minute - if your employers want to refer you to occupational health you do really need to co-operate with this, as if you don't they could possibly use it as an excuse for disciplinary action. I'm sorry if this sounds alarmist, but I know employers can do this as I support people as a union rep where I work.

Unless you normally work very closely with your occupational health department, they won't be people you know personally, and in any case everything has to be kept confidential. The only people who would be allowed to see the information in the first instance would be your manager and the HR person directly assigned to your case. It definitely wouldn't be shared around the workplace. it may also be that they can do something to help you, like getting you some psychotherapy.

[supersezza]

thanks...of course anyone is welcome to jump in!

yes i emailed them today and said if it is part of the policy then i will do it...in terms of confidentiality that's a bit of a joke in our office...i do work closely with the occ health team too..

but yes after 4 months off that's fine..

today has been slightly better, dad got me out of bed at 10am and we just emptied my house share together, bit sad but once my room was empty it wasn't so bad, just kinda sad coz well at the end of the day if i wasn't ill i wouldn't have moved out..but hey i am so that's ok.

wellbeing team was a pile of you know what...i only get to see her for half an hour n she suggested if i can't do the basics then she can't really help...so it's docs 2moro then blood test n meds review...maybe up to 30mg cit...hey di ho and all that!

x

[supersezza]

hi all...quick update.

went for my blood tests this week so get my results 2moro i think...can't imagine they will show anything but i guess it's a good thing to get done.

tomorrow i have my occ health thing at work, kinda upset about it...work still feels like a constant pressure but i can understand from their pov too that they need to know what's going on really.

still avoiding social things really which i know isn't good..

positives though...prob done more during the day for the past week n have my aunty n uncle here which hopefully will be a distraction...just hard to act ok sometimes when u feel like crying etc.

not sure if i said or not but meds are not being increased...she just said coz of my size etc it prob wouldnt' be wise (as in i'm a small build!)

hope u r all ok anyways x

[supersezza]

hi all again, how r u today?

well i was supposed to go for an occ health meeting today but ended up chickening out...just felt sooooo low n didn't want to see them really...i've asked for them to come to my house now, kinda a set back really coz i'm just avoiding everything now really to keep my anxiety down and also i feel like i'm avoiding it all coz i just want to withdraw etc from any social interactions...so i kinda feel no motivation to getting back to work atm at all...if i'm being honest. i'm not sure how much longer work will let this go on...i've been off for 4 months now and i'm not sure if i really want to go back, or whether that is just my low mood etc... but i dont really feel like i'm progressing as last time i could go into work and even agreed to going back (even though i didn't) but i just can't seem to have that kinda suck it in and just get through it attitude...i'm just kinda crumbling more and not wanting to face it etc, i'm scared to talk to my friends in case they invite me out and i then say yes but as the time gets nearer have to pull out etc.

anyways sorry for the ramble tonight x

[jaded jean]

Hi supersezza.
Re the occ dept that will be fine. I had to go after 6 of 8 months being off. they just ask general questions and how you are feeling and they document it all and send it back to HR and you line manager will get a copy.I felt better for going to see them as as a result my company have to observe the DDA and offer support to me ie phased in return to work ,support whenever I need it. my start back was slightly fraught as due to a situation that was beyond my control I ended up in a part time position and 5 miles down the road. I still feel in limbo I have no office of my own -I now share one, I still have the contents of my old office ie nick nacks etc in the boot of my car.
try the upping of your dose of cit- it might be the breakthru you need hun. BTW I think we live in the same area xx
Jean

[blueangel]

I think one of the really important things to remember about this is that you need to be able to prove that you have a problem. The occupational health department are actually going to be on your side, and whenever I have accompanied people on visits to them (I have to do this quite often at work), it has always been a helpful and no-threatening environment. Take someone with you if you feel that would be helpful, but you do really need to go and see them or you're going to be seen as not co-operating with your employer's processes, which won't help your overall case and might make them less sympathetic.

[supersezza]

thank you for the replies...

yep i think they will do the home visit and i will co-operate with that...

you are right about the dda thing too and i can prove that i've been ill...gosh all they'd have to do is look at my medical records to really get the gist of it!

re the cit she won't let me up it at all coz of my build...she thinks 30 or 40 would be too much for me.

not feeling much better today really...have 2 sets of aunties n uncles coming to dinner tonight so i'll have to put my front on tonight...

i just can't seem to get that motivation to go for a walk, see a friend etc which is worrying me really :lac:

[supersezza]

Hi Jean...yes i think we do! Rocking Horse right and i'm council offices!

ok so last few days haven't been great by hey, lots of sleeping and lots of anxiety...yuck! thoughts mainly around getting back to work, facing people as ever and also quite deep ones about how sensitive i am to things and worrying about that for the future...why can't they invent a steel rod of strength to put in people?! i'd insert that anywhere not to feel like this!

woke up today at 2pm....not good but couldn't sleep till 4am...sigh!

so yeah am up and have written some jobs to do today, just to tick things off so that i can feel like i've achieved something i guess, even posting on here is a job! lol!

but yes it's easy for me to see i feel nervous and i feel inferior and that my life is a bit pants again etc etc...but i just can't seem to get past it and make that into action...probably related to confidence/belief in myself i guess, i think i'm just thinking well what's the point everyone knows what u r like friends, colleagues, family everyone now so they won't think the same of you etc and that this will happen again or it won't coz i'll keep myself so 'safe' from things that i won't happen but i'll end up not liking myself for being a coward...can't win!!

waiting to hear back from work about occ health at home.

phoned doctors...blood tests normal as expected really! kinda good but then kinda bad...pity it's not a quick fix kinda thing! but then trying to think positively then it's not physical so i won't have it for life!! x

[ginny]

Hi Sarah,
I've been reading back over your posts and I'm so sad that you feel like this. I have a friend who suffered very badly from depression following a rotten work situation which she eventually had to leave. The crippling anxiety, self doubts, humiliation she suffered, bringing about low self esteem, takes some getting back from but you will get there, I promise. You need to take little steps and look for small improvements. Maybe set yourself a different (small) goal every day. Don't look for big changes. The longest journey starts with a single step. I will advise you as I advised my friend. Get yourself some good herbal products and don't put too many chemicals in your body that just upsets it's natural balance. I took Filisa from Little Herbal (www.littleherbal-int.com (http://www.littleherbal-int.com)) which I and my friend found brilliant for anxiety. It gives you an 'in control' feeling but doesn't dull things and make you zombiefied. Also Vegepa from Igennus (www.igennus.co.uk (http://www.igennus.co.uk)) which is a great source of EPA. I do hope this helps you.

[supersezza]

thank you ginny that is very sweet!

well yest i had my third wellbeing sessions...they aren't great but i felt yest was a bit better so that's good she was happy i'd done some of the work she set me and she's given me some other things to look at this fortnight...i feel it should be everyweek though!

then i went to see my friend with her baby...he always cheers me up, so i feel i should see them more...hopefully going 2moro too.

then went to the theatre to c hairspray!!! yes i know! big thing really and i'm not giving myself even kudos for going really...felt nervous there like in the stomach kinda thing and few times negative thought came in etc but i worked on them when i got home...

but my sleep has been awful the last 3 nights, just cant switch off...i try writing things down, winding down, listening to things etc but my mind seems to be active without me even realising it...like it just is...hopefully i'll sleep better tonight anyway x

[daydreamer]

sounds like you did some things this week that you havent done for a while so well done to you! x

[ljd]

Hi,

i can relate to the anxiety around relationships its not easy. Focus on what worked well for you in the past and where you want to get to you can get there again. i know its not easy as i have slipped back and finding it hard toget back up but we have done it before and we can do it again. look at what helped you adn what didnt and try slowly building this up and takin smll steps to help you. tc

[supersezza]

hi guys and thanks for the replies, much appreciated, ok positives, have been doing my cbt stuff a bit more and think that is progress etc. not so good bits, got my period this week, it is soooooooooooo much worse when i feel like this, really was awful yesterday, so much pain and was sick 4 times, faint, hot, cold the works, why is it so much worse when you are anxious and down as well?! wouldn't have thought it would have made a difference really, anyway hopefully the worse is over now, spent today in bed too just in case but ate dinner and have done ok with that.

mood is still much the same but i haven't given up hope, i know when i'm ok i'm ok but i guess i feel sad about my anxiety in relationships coz it's so high and i feel scared coz i think it's so strong i can't manage it etc...

i will try and do more 2moro tho if i feel better x

[ginny]

Here's a really helpful web site run by a girl called Helen who suffered from depression caused by her career www.depressioncanbefun.co.uk (http://www.depressioncanbefun.co.uk) It's full of lots of really helpful stuff and common sense. Also, Helen will answer any queries or questions personally.

[Jebdog]

I'm the same Sarah, relationships trigger off my anxiety like no ones business. A recent one has triggered me off again with anxiety/depression. I'm a guy though and so that adds to my woes as we are supposed to be the tougher in these situations, but I end up thinking what if all the time and overthinking what the other person is thinking?

How long you been on the cit? Have you thought about trying something else? Or do you feel it is helping? I'm on fluxotine but dont think it's helping all that much, particularly with the anxiety.

Jeb.

[supersezza]

hi Jeb, aww I don't think it's a division between the sexes I just think it's how confident you are in yourself and how personally you take things...it's not nice at all though is it, be lovely to be nice and confident hey! thanks for that link too ginny i like the idea that depression can be fun, lol!

regarding the cit been on it for 4 months i think, dunno about helping i dont think it does really but hey.

today has been ok i guess, got a bit upset tonight coz i hav that occ health meeting 2moro, i'm not really worried about it i guess but it's more that it's made me feel low, i don't wanna talk to people about it and it's not really where i wanna be in life particularly kinda thing but i think i needed a cry as it hasn't been a great week really, talked to my mum a bit about my friends as well, or rather than lack of contact from them and that set me off a bit too i guess...so yeah got my meeting 2moro i'm ok about it they can't do much i imagine and i'm gonna just try and think of it as being ok...we will see...

[supersezza]

Well either she's very late or she's not coming....

[daydreamer]

Did she turn up in the end??????????

[supersezza]

Hey thanks for msgs...she came at like 5.45, was ok but I blubbed all the way through it. Just feel exhausted now emotionally from the waiting round all day. But I guess it's good they know how bad it is now she agreed I'm not ready to so that's good, got to meet again in 2 weeks at work too. Will write more 2moro x

[supersezza]

hi all, so yep i saw the occ health team eventually, i think though coz i'd just been waiting all day (tried to distract myself with cooking) as soon as she got there and we started talking i just cried, like literally all the way through it for an hour plus! oh dear, but i'm kinda glad i did, she agreed i'm not ready and at least they now know how bad it is etc...we talked quite a lot and she agreed with me it's all self esteem related stuff but i was EXHAUSTED afterwards and couldn't stop thinking about our conversation at all last night, just feels like there's so much stuff about life that i don't know and it panics me coz i'm like how can i get this right...and if it is me well that's just me isn't it?! she said if i didn't change then it would happen all my life which is like my biggest fear, so today i didn't get up till about 4ish...bad i know. but i felt better today prob coz it's out the way now and there wasn't really any pressure to get back to work, she just wants to see me every two weeks and wants me to try and get to the next one in the office but not be paraded in front of everyone kinda thing, so that's ok. but yes has just left me feeling overwhelmed again, with loads to think about which isn't good and kinda further removed from feeling 'normal' and having a normal life kinda thing...just feels like it's all anxiety/depression/massive issues still...so yeah no wonder i feel kinda clamped in my head and like i can't relax!

i wish there was some therapy on the NHS you could have every week, i feel like two weeks is too long for me.

but yeah phew...so lady from work has set me looking at sleep (ha ha), diet and also self esteem books to read...:doh:

[supersezza]

hi all, well still dont think i've recovered from the being sick and then work meeting...felt really tired and teary today so cancelled on my friend, supposed to be going out 2moro tho so think i'm just gonna have to force myself to go...i guess my big fears about going out are having nothing to say except things r crap and then getting upset in front of people, but 2moro it's just two friends so that should be ok and at a house too so doesn't really matter either way.

prob been beating myself up a little today just kinda thinking about how people deal with things better than me etc...i've read a bit around self esteem today and i kinda get it but i think it's hard to actually incorporate that into your life if deep down you maybe feel like you have to push/prove yourself a lot...does that make sense?!

[daydreamer]

yes totally makes sense!

[supersezza]

lol well i'm glad it's not just me then!

well i pushed myself to go out last night, it was ok didn't feel too anxious so that's good, had a few thoughts pushing in about how weird it was that everything seems 'normal' but my mind isn't atm but that is about it. had a chat with my friend about things and i thought i was gonna cry but i didn't, the other friend i found it a little weird with but i think it's more because i get the idea that she just doesn't get it at all and doesn't even try to get it and has been vrty absent from my life since may really, which is a pity coz she's really who i thought was my best friends, but i try and give her the benefit of the doubt etc...she'll still be there when i pick up.

but then was knackered today as going out kinda hypes me up a bit i think so have been down/tired today...but i had a moment this morning when i woke when i felt normal which is good.

i am now watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc
it's pretty good actually it's a google seminar about mindfulness meditation.

i have noticed i do tend to panic about things a lot and run away with ideas in my mind...for example and this is kinda funny! i am on twitter @supersezza if anyone wants to follow lol, and i am talking to this guy in america about take that...yes random i know, now i dont know him at all and i was saying about TT maybe going to america and i joked that i would bring my sleeping bag over and kip on his floor, he then joked about painting each others nails and watching glitter on dvd (he's gay btw) and i started panicking and imaging this happening in my mind and then beating myself up coz i was not able to just relax and go with this idea etc...then i had to remind myself a) this wasn't happening b) TT aren't even going to america! c) he is probably joking too....but yeah i was like god i've whizzed forward and done it really negatively and this is EXACTLY what i do in relationships too...so i've got to learn to stop living in the future and also imaging things with me panicking, not enjoying etc and try and be more open and less anxious etc in my thoughts and fears of the world etc...but blimey it's crazy stuff but it makes me think if i do it about a tweet then no wonder when more 'real' situations appear that i freak!

crazy post over!!

[supersezza]

ok this week it's sleep sorting time and i MEAN it! atm and this is being totally honest with you guys i'm falling asleep at 3.30am and getting up at 3pm, sleeping for about 11 hours of that i reckon. it's my aim this week to get up earlier than midday no matter what...ha ha! i keep saying this and i know it's easier to just sleep all day and hide but it can't be doing me any good. so yes i hope to achieve this, i feel tired all day anyway so the 11 hours isn't helping!

leaving my blinds half open tonight and setting my alarm for 11am.

wish me luck..., i'm not gonna push myself this week at all just aim for this change :blush:

[daydreamer]

yes maybe dont set yourself any rigid targets, as if you dont achieve them its just another thing to beat yourself up about and thats only going to make you feel worse. Aim for change is good, go for it, good luck x

[supersezza]

thanks DD, had a bad day today, i think the sleeping thing is kinda hard! i'm thinking about getting up then i can't sleep lol, silly really! but yeah i think i want to stay in bed! been keeping a sleep diary and i've noticed i've been getting up a bit earlier which is good, but then i've been writing down when i'm actually up, dressed and ready to get on with my tasks for the day...this has been getting worse! maybe it's just a transition though i'm not sure....also been set off today a bit but emailing the occ health person from work, in her report she's been quite nice to be fair but there's a bit in there about getting back to work which has set me off a little today, it's just been a down day i guess, i'm remembering dreams too everyday which are all about boyfriends and friends, how to act, pushing myself etc so i dont think that helps as i feel like i'm still stuck a bit mentally.

my wellbeing appt was also cancelled today but has been rearranged for next week so that's ok.

i know i need to go out more as well even if it's just for a walk, i'm so wrapped up in the tension and thoughts and pre-occupied that when it's coming to doing outside tasks i dont want to as i'm kinda thinking so much if that makes sense.

buy yes my main thing is going back to work, i just don't want to and i know that's bad to say but i dont!

[supersezza]

hey all, yes it's late but i was up earlier i promise! it may not seem like a big deal to some people but i was up and dressed by 11.30am...go me! i didn't fall asleep till late but i had enough will power just to get up!

tomorrow i have to get up for the doctors too so no choice there, i also went into town today with my lovely papa and got a few bits, i did all the driving too, also dropped in on my old housemates (that's still a little odd but it's ok) so yes am pleased with myself for today really.

also another nice thing is i started doing a music blog on tumblr just for a bit of fun really and coz i enjoy writing and music, so i just started doing it like a fortnight ago i think and i've had nearly 200 visitors so far, been posted on twitter, rebloged, the lot! so that's really nice!

if anyone else likes pop music then try it!

http://popledge.tumblr.com/

I also started a little scrapbook yesterday which I am filling with nice messages, things I've learned and photos etc that i like from magazines, just thought it was another positive thing to do really.

i could write about the not so good moments today but i'm not going and i'm gonna leave my post at that.

got doctors 2moro so wish me luck for that! x

[daydreamer]

Hey,

like blog, great writing style! Leonard Nemmoy, who knew?!!

Good luck for the doctors tomorrow x

[supersezza]

aww thanks hun! it's a nice thing to do at the moment.

doctors was fine, managed to get up...just! she's signed me off for another month and doesn't want to do anything with meds etc.

was with my mum so after that went to post office, opticians and library and supermarket...bumped into one of my colleagues there and that was ok too so that was a positive....although i would have just kinda ignored him but he spotted me! ah well...then got home and was tired but haven't had a nap so watched a bit of X files for an hour and a half...then I cooked us dinner which was like salmon and noodle parcels with asparagus...at the supermarket i bought lots of foods that r supposed to boost mood etc as well.

am just trying to chill now, would really like a nice sleep tonight as am planning to keep up these early mornings till it's more 'normal'..so yep good day really again i guess....get frustrated sometimes as i have quite a short span of being helpful etc and then i tend to get irritable but i've just be quite gentle on myself when this has happened and realised i need a break etc when i get like that so yes ok day.

i read something really good the other day as well which stuck with me a bit, it was something along the lines of 'don't judge each day but the harvest you reap but rather the seeds you sow' so like keep doing the little good things and it'll plant the seeds for the future and then keep planting i guess! :roflmao:

[supersezza]

hi all, well up earlier again so that's good...and slept much better last night too so that's a real positive really.

got up slowly though as in from getting out of bed to being fully dressed and ready takes me a looooong time, lol!

but am up and on with job list for the day etc.

one little hiccup i had was arranging my windscreen to be repaired...it's got a tiny crack in it : ( and coz it's near the edge she thought it couldn't be repaired and would prob have to be replaced...which then meant she had to take £70 up front from me?! has anyone had this before...i dunno it just made me angry coz they are basically taking my money without doing anything? then dad said i could have just phoned autoglass directly as he has a chip too and we could have organised it together....and it just put me in a right stressy foul mood! had a right old moan about how i have to learn everything for myself, it's alright for other people they dont' have to, i'll always be on my own and then just stomped around for a bit swearing! i mean it's quite comical really but it' not really me i dont think...i'm kinda just putting it down to frustraion and low mood combined though and i'll do a cbt sheet on it tonight...but yes just made me think is it ok to be like that or should i be more accepting?! but then i'd never get angry even when angry is appropriate?!

i find that confusing!!

[supersezza]

hey all, quiet day today, just ended up dying my hair and stying it etc and then watching TV, felt ok though and was up earlier again to which is good. should probably try and do something 2moro though to get me out of the house, I am coming round to thinking that keeping busier is good and feeling like i can achieve that now too, which is extra good!

also did a bit on my blog tonight bout x factor and cheryl cole interview which is good, nice thing to do as my readers seem to be going up every day!

tried to plan a few social things for next week too :)

[supersezza]

not such a good day today - i got up a lot later so maybe that is why?! just ended up thinking a LOT but i managed to go for a walk so i'm happy with that one!

[supersezza]

well was quite late up today but then i got up was home alone during the day for a bit which i quite enjoyed, spent a bit more time on my appearance today as well which was good, then went to costa with my colleague after she finishes work, also ran into another of my colleagues (it's a small town!) and felt really ok through it all which was good (i've always had a soft spot for the one we ran into, he's sweet!)...so yep felt better when i got home..

busy today 2moro which should serve me well again, take that announcement at 10am, then getting my windscreen repaired, then got wellbeing appt then seeing a friend and her baby, then hopefully going to an animal sanctuary to see about maybe volunteering...it depends whether it suits me or not though, i'm quite scared of cats and barking dogs so it might not be the best match for me! but we'll see! x

[daydreamer]

Hey,

sounds like you've got a full on day today, which is good, less time to think about anxiety! Did you see the TT announcement, thats something to look forward to for next yr, well thats if lucky enough to get tickets! Anyway have a good day, must also say that you sound a lot more positive lately, got to be a good sign! x

[supersezza]

hi all,

had a good active day yesterday, had my windscreen repaired then had wellbeing appt and went to see my friend and her baby later in the day, felt ok when i got home and felt more sleepy at night time too which is good.

today i have had a terrible day though!! didn't really get up and dressed till 3.45pm - whoops! and have just washed my hair and been on my computer really.

not going to beat myself up about it though - i had a nosebleed this morning which didn't get it off to a great start, i think i'm just prone to them really, i also had lots of dreams about my ex and also colleagues etc which prob didn't help..then i had lots of thoughts about that in the shower too and was prob quite down on myself etc.

the wellbeing lady has told me to do some thought sheets etc round going back to work so i'm not sure if that has set me off a bit, she thought i was doing better yest though so that's good.

but i guess 2moro is other day and all that - i have to get up and out coz i'm going to see my dad get a medal for his contribution to the malaysia war or something?! anyway it'll get me out and about etc.

hope everyone is ok xx

[supersezza]

hi guys...had an awful day yest, worst one in a while, made me realise i've been doing a bit better though i guess!

today was better though...i told my dad i'd go to this medal ceremony thing with him but we had to leave at 8.45am...yes this is really early for me atm! woke up at 8ish and just wanted to go back to sleep, prob spent about 15mins just thinking in bed, going round in my head about things, prob left over from yest, how i didn't want to go, i'd feel weird there, i just want to stay in bed coz the house would be free, etc etc etc...also aware that i hadn't fallen asleep till 3ish so that was in my mind...but then i had another thought about doing it for my dad and also the possibility that if i went out today then it might make it a better day than yest...so ummed and ahhed for a while longer, even preparing my speech in my head about how i couldn't come, but tbh i just couldn't do it to my dad, i didn't want to let him down.

so i got up which was hard, i was ready by 9.15am which was ok and we were off! i shut my eyes in the car a lot and didn't really wake up till we got to this hall thing...but then i did and i felt ok in there really, few thoughts but not panicky ones if that makes sense, then after that we went round the town a little, that is prob worse for me, i just have like this nervous/apprehensive feeling all the time i HATE pigeons and they were all around as well as people, noise etc etc....but i did it and it was ok, i got myself a magazine as a well done...we then went to a kitchen showroom place and i went in there too....i prob got tired at this point really! then they went to the supermarket but i stayed in and read my magazine, just thought why push myself, i know i can do supermarkets and well it's boring so i stayed in the car!

got home and did some little jobs too, helped mum on the computer, cleaned some jewellry that kinda thing...had dinner then set out organising myself for take that in the morning and emailing people about that...

so yes was a lot more productive...i still notice i undermine myself constantly though which what i perceive i can't do...i.e. be as cool as everyone else and have boyfriends without going insane! it's just on my mind loads...grrrr.

but hey i'm more tired tonight so that's good...up earlish 2moro for tickets at 9am then sat have some plans, so i'm really really trying despite the low mood and nerves etc...i just hope that soon it picks up a bit.... xx

[supersezza]

hi everyone just a little catch up etc...

day after dad's thing i felt ok but did feel i needed a chilled day to get over the one before, yesterday i pushed myself again...i went out around lunch time and met two friends for a coffee which was nice, we talked about a few things and then the inevitable 'how was i doing' questions...bless them they do try and help but does anyone thing sometimes that u r almost waiting for it then it brings u down etc? i guess that's better than wanting to talk about it all the time though...but everytime i meet a friend i expect it and it comes up...

then i went back home for a bit, felt quite low then but pushed myself to go and see another friend as she's just moved into one of these caravan home site things...she's also a colleague and we get on ok although we are totally different people/personalities etc, but i felt i should show support and see where she is etc...it was half an hour in the car in the dark to get there down all these country roads which was a bit weird, but i was ok when i got there and didn't cry although i felt i might on the way there...

today has been ok but a little flat and i have felt more of the irritable/frustrated feelings which i tend to take out on my mum...i find myself hating it when she asks what i'm doing during the week etc...i'm not sure why but it really winds me up!!

anyway on the whole i feel ok atm...not great but on a sort of level and one up from complete crap! lol.

i have a meeting 2moro with work which i'm actually not working myself up too...maybe this is coz i've been out more recently...i just hope they dont try and put a timescale on me coz i dont think i'm ready for that yet.

but yeah wish me luck for that...then i have a friends birthday on friday with a big group of us but atm i feel ok for that, it's just a meal out so that should be ok and good to see people and dress up etc....so yes i'm on a level but just not quite having the connection to a lighter live yet xx

[daydreamer]

It just takes time doesnt it Sezza, time and effort are the only things that really do help us with this damn anxiety.

[ginny]

Buy Helen McNallen's brilliant book 'Depression Can Be Fun' from Amazon. She was a high flyer in the city and suffered from depression. Her book and her web site are inspirational. Web site is www.depressioncanbefun.co.uk (http://www.depressioncanbefun.co.uk) There are loads of helpful things on it and her book is great.

[supersezza]

thanks for the replies, i have looked at that website before but i will look at the book too...

short msg today, had my meeting with occ health at work yest and tbh came out of it more depressed/stressed than when i went in...they r basically pushing me for a return to work date and want me to commit to trying to come in again for half a day three times a week...when i said i didn't feel ready for this they were shocked...so at the end of the meeting i had to sign a medical release form to allow them to talk to my GP about a prognosis and also agree to come in next week to do a capability assessment with HR...now i dont' want to commit to a date at this point, i feel like i get stronger and then atm work is knocking me back all the time as it's one massive step too many, i'm not sure if it's making my recovery a lot harder coz it's there all the time, so even when i feel a bit better it's in the back of my mind...today has been awful, i've had 2 nosebleeds today which is prob stress related, had a nap during the day...haven't done that for ages too and have generallly just felt like there is 10,000 tonnes on my shoulders...it all just seems too much to cope with basically.

mum tries but she just says 'what can we do' and i dont really have any answers to that....i don't have a union rep so have no idea what my rights are so maybe i'm getting more panicked than i should be?

half of me thinks, oh just stuff it! but the other half thinks well then i've got no income what so ever and also i still have to summon the braveness to get another job at some point, prob full time, do i take the hit and back-track my career or do i just keep trying and hope that one day i can return to work, even if it ends up me being off for a year (it stands at 5 months atm) and yes i know that's a long time but to me it doesn't coz i've been in my head going over things and not relaxing that whole time.

one things for sure tho i have been doing a little better recently in terms of activity if nothing else...this really feels like it's set me back again...i really dont know what the answer is but i feel like things are going to come to a head soon and i just hope i can deal and get through it without it really damaging me further i guess....

:wacko::weep::mad::huh::shrug:

[daydreamer]

Hi Sezza, maybe you should start a new thread for your return to work prob? only this ones been going on for ages maybe other members arent reading it and I think some input from others would be good here! Im afraid Ive been out of work for so long I dont have much to suggest as to what would be the best for you. I know that ultimately its going to be your decision either way but some of the others on here may have been in your situation and could probably offer some good advice, well atleast I hope they can anways! Just keep reminding yourself of the good progress you have been making, there is no reason why you shouldnt carry on getting better! x

[supersezza]

hi everyone, not such a good day today, but i'm trying to put it in context in that it's the worst one i've had for a while and i'm feeling very tense about work etc atm, and also it must be that wonderful time of the month coming up soon!

I had a appt with the wellbeing lady at 3.30 and i didn’t really do anything tell then…before my appt i went to get some petrol, so i was pleased with that…i’d been putting that off for a while, then went to my appt…i was late going in by 10 mins and i got the feeling that she was just trying to get rid of me really….she then told me it was the end of our sessions (!!!) and we reviewed my score and they were actually much worse now…well that made me feel pretty bad, one the fact that i wasn’t going to get anymore support and the other that i was feeling worse! kinda thought i was another thing i hadn’t managed to do if i’m honest (wrong thing to think i know) so then i started crying in the appt…but the lady kept looking at the clock, eventually she was like i’m really sorry but u have to go now…so i had to walk through the surgery with really red eyes, made it to my car and literally sobbed in there for a good 15 mins…then just thought well i’d better get home really…god home, cried some more in front of my dad who just looked awkward and asked if i wanted a cup of tea and then what should we have with our salmon tonight…felt like saying I REALLY DON’T CARE!! anyway eventually i just walked out the kitchen up to my room and cried some more! then mum got home and i cried more! she was a bit better and actually gave me a hug and said ‘remember u did this once, u can do it again’....but all in all it hasn’t been a great day tonight, i am feeling very tired now and well rather deflated to say the least…i think now i’ll have to see someone privately, i need someone to give me a bit of confidence and belief back now….i’m not sure if CBT is enough for me, i can see it academically but i can’t quite connect with it…i could see maybe i could if i was just in my ‘normal’ life but i feel everything feels too much atm to do worksheets and really believe it all etc….

so yes i guess i'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed etc again, unable to see the way out still...sigh!

thanks for reading anyways,
Sarah x

[Nigel]

Aww Sarah... What a horrid day :hugs:
Sometimes having a good cry helps. Hope tomorrow is better.

This work thing really seems a huge stumbling block at the moment. They say that everything a person does has a positive intention behind it, even if it doesn’t always appear obvious on a conscious level.

So what would happen if tomorrow – after a good rest because I think more than enough thinking has been done for one day – you were to look at this from a different angle? Are there any advantages to be had from staying away from work, therefore for maintaining the anxiety?

Anyway... positives...
You went, which was a big challenge in itself, plus you got the car filled with petrol :yesyes:

Take care :)
Nigel

[daydreamer]

Sezza, sorry to hear you had a crap day, have pm'd you x

[supersezza]

Thanks for the msgs...well today wasn't so bad and I'm trying to think a bit better, I'm still very agitated today though i guess.

Nigel well the benefits to me are i guess: people don't have to see me like this, i won't stuff up again, this is 'safe' as nothing is changing, there are no choices/options etc and i don't have to feel self conscious around people.

however i know the negatives are more! no money, lack of esteem, nothing to keep my mind occupied or to grow it, little social interaction, having to live at home again, not feeling confident, no giving myself a chance etc.

i guess really underlying it is fear and fear of the future and having to cope with people/thoughts/situations again, how am i going to handle it? what will people say? what if people start asking me out again? what will i do if people ask me and i feel like i can't do, what if i cry at work? what if it all goes wrong again, what if i'm not strong enough in life and this happens every few years to me?

that kinda thing! :blush:

[Nigel]

Hi Sarah,

Glad today was a bit better :)

So about that list of ‘benefits’, what would happen if you asked the same question of each of those? “What is the benefit of people not seeing me like this,” etc...

As for the negative, hmm... we’re both too good at doing those :winks:
It’s not easy – well some people find it is – but I think the secret is to focus more on the positives and the things we DO want. A lot of the negatives then often take care of themselves.

And all those ‘what ifs’... Me too, but what if they don’t? If you really think about it, nobody knows at this moment in time. Things could go either way, so why choose only the worst outcome when the other one is just as likely? A better idea might be to forget about either outcome for now and work on ways of giving the odds a nudge in your favour.

And what if some of those things like crying at work should ever happen? Would it really be a huge disaster? I read a long time ago how the people who go through life being all emotional seldom suffer any catastrophic breakdowns. However, the ones we all think of as strong, and capable of coping with just about anything, are the ones that take everybody by surprise and eventually crack in a big way. It’s because they bottle everything up and try to contain it all till something snaps.

Did you see X Factor? Sunday, the sing off? Who did you want to win? Who did the judges want to win? I wanted Katie too. I think for a moment she put a little too much emotion into it and lost track of the music. She muddled on for a bit, then just said, “Sod it!”, sat down on the stage, ignored what she was supposed to be singing, and finished the track sitting there performing some heartfelt improvisation.

I think that won it for her. It certainly won it for me.

Trayc, is technically a brilliant singer. She gets up on stage and delivers a perfect performance each time, yet who is she? Do people really connect? They sit back and watch, and that’s it. Katie is a human being, with human vulnerabilities, and people warm to that. You almost want to be a part of her world.

Take care :)
Nigel

[supersezza]

Hi Sarah,


So about that list of ‘benefits’, what would happen if you asked the same question of each of those? “What is the benefit of people not seeing me like this,” etc...

What do you mean here? To me the benefit of people not seeing me like this is hopefully I return to the world being 'well' so people don't see this other side to me and so that I don't act over-senstive, nervous etc in front of people.

And all those ‘what ifs’... Me too, but what if they don’t? If you really think about it, nobody knows at this moment in time. Things could go either way, so why choose only the worst outcome when the other one is just as likely? A better idea might be to forget about either outcome for now and work on ways of giving the odds a nudge in your favour.

I guess also I think it's a matter of time before things do go wrong and also that it could actually get worse, I could lose more, if i do better and earn more money, get a boyfriend, mortage etc then it's more to stuff up again - very negative i know!

And what if some of those things like crying at work should ever happen? Would it really be a huge disaster?

I have cried at work twice before actually! In 3 years...but yeah I got over it I guess, people were surprised both times though...but I guess they were related to something tangible that had happened at work...this time it might be random crying and I don't want that...that just looks odd and coz everyone knows I just think everyone would be over it like a rash.

Did you see X Factor? Sunday, the sing off? Who did you want to win? Who did the judges want to win? I wanted Katie too. I think for a moment she put a little too much emotion into it and lost track of the music. She muddled on for a bit, then just said, “Sod it!”, sat down on the stage, ignored what she was supposed to be singing, and finished the track sitting there performing some heartfelt improvisation.

I think that won it for her. It certainly won it for me.

Trayc, is technically a brilliant singer. She gets up on stage and delivers a perfect performance each time, yet who is she? Do people really connect? They sit back and watch, and that’s it. Katie is a human being, with human vulnerabilities, and people warm to that. You almost want to be a part of her world.

Yes I did see this and yes by the end I was rooting for Katie...but I don't want to be her! Treyc is much more stable and has a nice life and a boyfriend of 7 years etc, she's pretty steady...I'd rather have that and tbh if Katie was my friend I'd just got soooooo annoyed with her coz she's such a drama queen and the way she talks is sooooo annoying too! But in the world of entertainment great...but normal life? I'd rather be Treyc!!

Thanks though Nigel...feel like I've just argued back every point....sorry!!

Take care :)
Nigel

Sarah

[supersezza]

General update: dreading 2moro! Got up today at 3pm...whoops! Aunt Flo is also now in town...wonderful timing as ever! Last month I ended up fainting/throwing up...so trying to keep it together and not expect this to happen 2moro! But it won't help whatever!

But i guess good points...i feel like i can go in, even if i end up blubbing etc...mum is coming with me and the rest of the day is pretty free...i have the option of going with mum to hairdressers but don't have to go so once the meetings over then it's ok for the rest of the day and i have the house to myself in the evening which i quite like for a change!

so yeah, hoping for a better sleep tonight too, last night was a 4am-er!

[Nigel]

Hi argumentative Sarah,
I’ll have my turn... :winks:

“What do you mean here? To me the benefit of people not seeing me like this is hopefully I return to the world being 'well' so people don't see this other side to me and so that I don't act over-senstive, nervous etc in front of people.”

It was something I read about ages ago, and you sort of answered it anyway. What I meant was with that list of positives about staying away from work etc, what if you took each one in turn and asked yourself what is the benefit of that? Why is it important? That sort of thing. Then with that new set of answers, you can question those in the same way.

If you keep asking, eventually there comes a point where you can go no further, and whatever you arrive at is one of your core beliefs. One of those things that’s vitally important to ‘you’ and that you will find ways to uphold no matter what, even if the ways of doing so appear on the surface to be unhelpful.

Something else that often happens is as you keep questioning the previous response, some of those threads begin to converge, and what seemed like several different reasons are really all about the same core belief.

Of course, you don’t have to answer any of that here on the forum. I’m not clever enough to know what to do with the answers anyway :winks:. It might help to reveal the real issues though, and they’re the things to discuss with your therapist.

“I guess also I think it's a matter of time before things do go wrong and also that it could actually get worse, I could lose more, if i do better and earn more money, get a boyfriend, mortgage etc then it's more to stuff up again - very negative i know!”

Yes, very negative, and very me too :doh:

What’s that old Ferengi proverb:
The rockier the road, the richer the rewards.
But seriously, the alternative is a very dull life, and anyway, if problems do arise it’s surprising how resourceful a person can be; often finding ways round the problem they couldn’t have imagined had they never embarked on the journey in the first place.

“Yes I did see this and yes by the end I was rooting for Katie...but I don't want to be her! Treyc is much more stable and has a nice life and a boyfriend of 7 years etc...”

But the point I was trying to make was that people – at least you and I and the judges – didn’t think badly of Katie for cracking up a little and showing her vulnerable side. People still loved her, and maybe more so.

It’s funny you answering about who you’d rather be cos I wasn’t really asking that. But it made me think about it – about me. I’m not saying I want to be a woman :blush:, but if I had to choose to be one of them I think I’d say Treyc too. She appears confident, capable, good at what she does, etc – I suppose all the things I’d like to be. But when I think about who I like the most, I think I’d choose Katie. That’s weird... What is it saying about me??

Best of luck for tomorrow. Hope it goes well :yesyes:

Take care :)
Nigel

[supersezza]

[QUOTE=Nigel;742333]

It was something I read about ages ago, and you sort of answered it anyway. What I meant was with that list of positives about staying away from work etc, what if you took each one in turn and asked yourself what is the benefit of that? Why is it important? That sort of thing. Then with that new set of answers, you can question those in the same way.

I see what you mean, might be worth me doing some work around that i guess...it's all fears isn't it at then end of the day!


What’s that old Ferengi proverb:
The rockier the road, the richer the rewards.
But seriously, the alternative is a very dull life, and anyway, if problems do arise it’s surprising how resourceful a person can be; often finding ways round the problem they couldn’t have imagined had they never embarked on the journey in the first place.

i can see that too....i guess i know that but i don't like my life to be like a soap opera...i find it very hard to keep myself going and tend to be very harsh on myself, so i dont feel like i've got that core confidence to get me through things i guess :weep:

“Yes I did see this and yes by the end I was rooting for Katie...but I don't want to be her! Treyc is much more stable and has a nice life and a boyfriend of 7 years etc...”

But the point I was trying to make was that people – at least you and I and the judges – didn’t think badly of Katie for cracking up a little and showing her vulnerable side. People still loved her, and maybe more so.

It’s funny you answering about who you’d rather be cos I wasn’t really asking that. But it made me think about it – about me. I’m not saying I want to be a woman :blush:, but if I had to choose to be one of them I think I’d say Treyc too. She appears confident, capable, good at what she does, etc – I suppose all the things I’d like to be. But when I think about who I like the most, I think I’d choose Katie. That’s weird... What is it saying about me??

i think in the words of The Jam 'That's Entertainment'! it's kinda like you like to see people who r out there and larger than life characters but most people are just sort of well normal!

Thank you though, I will practise arguing against my thoughts in a postive way!! :)

[supersezza]

hey just wanted to go a quick update...tbh since my last work meeting my mood and motivation have really dipped.

been staying in bed a lot (till 4pm) i know i know! and generally just getting up eating and then watching a bit of TV/net then going to sleep at like 4am....not so good!

i keep going to a place in my head that just says to walk away from work and have a fresh start....somewhere where people don't know, somewhere were i can just be quiet and people will think that's just me till i get my confidence up, somewhere where people won't be comparing me with the person from old....somewhere where i can do a job more suited to me....i even have dreams about this as a conclusion.

been ignoring OH for nearly a week now so 2moro i'll make contact again...has to be done.

but yeah feel like i'm starting over again in terms of the depression....managed to go out today which was a good step and actually felt ok....just feel like i'm on the look out for people i know constantly as i dont wanna bump into anyone and also am prob just generally down on myself, comparing myself to others etc.

sometimes i have positive moments and my mind wanders in a good direction but then i get to a point and it's like my mind pulls me back...so i'm really scared of letting go i think, something is keeping me really tense still.

i think setting a job list is a good start though and just trying to get back to basics....the last week has just been overwhelmingly worry worry worry and stress and avoidance...

sigh i'll get there i know i will but it's just a bit crap atm! :wacko:

[supersezza]

just to say i have an appt with a private therapist 2moro morning, sounded nice on the phone and a positive approach so hopefully that will help x

[supersezza]

just wanted to do a quick update, saw the therapist on friday and felt positive after it, it's not cbt based but is based on the reverse therapy model...but i think it might be better for me coz it's about understanding ure emotions and acting on them, which is great coz i dont, i tend to make a commitment to something then really follow it through even if it's to my detriment. bit silly i know but i do! so yes, seems good, very qualified etc and got ok vibes from it so that's good.

managed to do a bit on friday and saturday which was good, answered all my texts today i've been ignoring and also emailed work today as well.

in work news i really dont feel ready to go back yet, but i hope that through the therapy i can work out some answers round that one.

so yep, not great but ok still! :)

[mr badger]

Just read through this post. Good to see you're managing ok and making progress. Encouraging.

[supersezza]

Hope you didn't read the whole thing! There is a lot now!

But thank you :shades: