How are you now you have come this far?

[jaded jean]

This is for all who take A/D's I think.

I am coming to the end of month3 on citalopram. I have started back to work on a phased basis.
Now I am doing this I seem to be pushing all what has happenend away from me. I have retained some bad memories and not through choice.
Yes I do feel better.I am functioning as normal is for me. Do you feel the same?
I think Am I trying to get back to what I was before I was hit by this awful meltdown.But deep down I know I have or am coming out of this a different person. Not wiser but more aware of how I feel ,how I treat people and slowley emerging saying how I would like to be treated . I work with people- they are the job, there is no getting away from feelings or emotions although they have to be kept on a tight reign when dealing wih them.
Sorry if this reads a bit too deep but its just the way today has hit me.


Jean

[Gordon64]

Jean

Your comments resonate with my situation-I am on my second phased return at work after a failed attempt in February. Like you I work with colleagues and public and sometimes putting on the "game face" and reining in the emotions is really hard. One difference I have noted with this second phase is that no matter how bad I sometimes feel I must have built up more strength than last time as I am taking on the depression head on-almost as if I've been through it once so know what to expect. I should point out I have had depresssion of varying degrees for some 20 years at least.

I too am on Ad's (Citalopram now after a spell on Mirtazapine) and would like to think one day I'll have the courage to face life's ups and downs without a medicinal crutch-but now is not that time.

I also notice I am a bit more "stubborn" this time around in that rather than worrying what others think I take the view that they cannot judge me because unless you have been in the grip of this (as people on this site have) then they have no real idea of the crippling effect it can have.

I have always tried to treat others as I would like to be treated but have often been over eager to please all the people all the time and I notice at long last that I am slowly beginning to put myself first although hopefully retaining my ability to get on with people.

Don't know if this really was what you meant-to use a good Scots phrase "my jacket is on a shoogly peg" work wise having had many spells off in the past but I am fighting this because I want to LIVE, and enjoy my life with my children, not for the benefit of some corporate behemoth.

Best of luck to you in your struggle.

Gordon

[jaded jean]

Hello Gordon;
We are on the same wavelength!
You too are a crowd pleaser. The corporate thing is right too.I can say things now that I had trouble saying before this 'thing ' that crippled me in everyway- like you I want to be 'there ' for my kids and my grandson who is adorable but I dare look after him for a while as I didnt feel responsible enough which cuts to the core doesnt it? Family first tho.
The stigma is still there with mental health and I think there will always be an element who will not accept it. But then thats their problem. We are stronger than they though, who else wakes up in the morning, sorts the mind chatter out , braces theirselves for the day ahead and then gets out of bed!!
Take care .
Jean

[Gordon64]

Totally agree with you Jean

The stigma is definitely still there unfortunately-most of my colleagues have been great but I can sense one or two are of the "pull yourself together" brigade.

I guess what I am trying to do is realise that I have had a variety of "life events" over the past few years which would have finished many (deaths of parents and marriage break-up to name just two) and I am starting to say to myself that rather than being weak I am doing really well to still be here and functioning (albeit on a limited basis)

Kids are the crux though aren't they? I have two and when they see their dad in tears I know it hurts them but they are bright and I know I owe it to them to be as honest as I can.

Although the loss of my job would be traumatic (I've worked for the one company for 28 years) I am coming to realise that being "trapped" in that health versus job net is damn near killing me and that even if my circumstances reduce myself and my kids are all that matter.

Glad we're speaking the same lingo-good luck and let your family be what spurs you on.

G

[jaded jean]

It is good that you are honest with them and they understand you. When I had my first bout of this my children were small and as they pester you for attention in their little ways I would scream in their faces and it was awful. My dad who was staying at the time actually walked out, but then neither I or my partner knew what I was suffering from.
Yes we probably all of us in here have had the life changing scenarios , mine are a few as well, things from my own childhood that I could not accept and am trying to move on now.
We will get there and if god forbid that we turn up at the same place again we will be aware- we will see the signs and we will deal with it.
Jean

[Raindog]

You said that you didn't feel wiser coming out of this, but any form of self awareness tends to increase your wisdom generally, you'll understand yourself and how you fit into the world around you.

One of my biggest worries at the start of taking Cit was that I'd read it can hamper your ability to have deep thoughts, presumably to help shield you from having negative thoughts quite so much. I've always enjoyed discussing and thinking about things and have always been quite a reflective person. The idea of having my mind numbed like this was a bit of a worry, and to some extent it probably did reduce my capacity a little at first and I did find that I wasn't quite so able to engage in deeper thinking, but that seems to have gone and I've been able to look at my situation more deeply, as anyone who has read my Citalopram thread can see, as well as help a few others on NMP to get through what they're experiencing.

Another of my big problems while going through the depths of the anxiety was that my concentration was shot to hell. This made me more anxious about getting back to work since I rely on my concentration as a programmer to get the job done. Again, this has improved massively since taking the Cit and I've been able to get things done that I was putting off for ages because I couldn't sit down and concentrate on them long enough to get them finished. One example is my CV, I finally got it updated and added in stuff that has been suggested to me, this has been waiting to be finished since before I started taking the Cit.

And now I'm feeling good about this job interview I have next week, that would have had me freaking a couple of months ago, but now I'm ready to get back into it and I feel more like the old me, maybe with some extra baggage but that's part of the journey we make.

Better days people :)

Shaun

[YvonneBelle]

I'm glad you posted this Jean because I was going to post a thread asking how coming though anxiety/depression (or maybe even just coping with it long term) has affected people's lives for the better - e.g. going through the fire makes you stronger, meeting people you wouldn't have otherwise met, changing careers, becoming a counsellor yourself... other good and positive things.

I feel that I have changed and grown over the past 7 years and my life tends to go in cycles anyway. Imagining life as a wheel for a sec, I sometimes feel on the outer edge... feeling those highs and lows all the way as the wheel turns.

At the moment, I'm not in a very good place and I can understand why I've become depressed. My home is on the market (not owned by me), my job is making me question my whole career choice, I'm single and I have money worries. Saying that, other than struggling with mental/emotional issues, I'm physically well and my close family really care about me, so from that pov, I consider myself lucky.

I'm now beginning to wonder about every cloud having a silver lining and sort of feel that when we wander too far off the path that would serve us best (perhaps where we should be headed if you believe in fate) then life pulls one or two strokes (or rugs) that have you sitting confused on your backside for a while until you pick yourself up and realise that things were not right and you needed to make some adjustments in order to get happy again.

I hope that made some sort of sense!

Yvonne

[Oddfish]

I totally agree Yvonne, I'd love to be without my anxiety and depression, but I know it comes when things are wrong, when big changes are necessary or I know I need to make choices that I have been ignoring for one reason or another. I like to think things happen for a reason and that it is is a way of getting us back on our right track, even if it may not seem obvious and even if it feels so horrible at the time.

[Raindog]

I'm very much of the nietzschian point of view that whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, so even though I've been through some tough times, as we all have, I have gained something coming out of the other side, more understanding about myself and others, a new perspective on what I can do even if I'm going through the worst feelings.

Like Tricky, I feel things happen for a reason and times of transition can be immensely stressful, just look at history, we're just playing out those events on a much smaller scale in our own lives. This is why I've found getting things out in my thread so useful, it's let me go back and see where I've been and where I might be going, I've been doing a lot of self analysis over the past few months which has given me new insights and strengthened old ones.

As the old saying goes, those who fail to learn from mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. One that I came up with myself some years ago holds true as well, the past is there to be learned from, not lived in.

Some lessons are harsher than others, but often have something important to teach us. If nothing else, see if you can learn at least one thing from your anxiety.

Better days people
Shaun

[jaded jean]

Ironically enough. today the anxiety has been coming in waves, I thought I would feel different after yesterday but I was let down . Expecting too much? probably.so today I am trying to rest to no avail,Iwould like to take a nap but I cant.
I have the doctors this afternoon and wil chat to him about it. It wont last forever tho will it??
Jean

[Gordon64]

Hi Jean

But that's the nature of the beast though isn't it-I had a good day on Tuesday but tbh that's the only one this week. I take solace from the fact that despite crushing anxiety never mind the anti-dep merry go round I am currently on I have managed to meet all my work commitments etc.. this week and been able to present a (reasonably) calm face at work (even if the reality is somewhat different)

My point is not to pat myself on the back but to indicate that we are both somehow stronger this time-I recognise my anxiety and so do you but we have been there before and understand it better. Sure there will be more dark days along the way but as long as we keep fighting (and the meds do their job) we WILL get stronger until the anxious days become less frequent.

Not going to go into details but I was more assertive with a "superior" than I have ever been for a long time today and nobody died-I still have a job (just) so getting better at not just accepting what the world throws at me.

You will come through this Jean-by remembering the good days when you feel stronger you will be able to cope better when the bad ones pop up.

Take care

Gordon

[jaded jean]

Gordon well done you!! I am still looking for Mr assertiveness I'm afraid . but on that note I have organised a day out for my husband , dad and 2 daughters. its a belated fathers day meal as I was not feeling too good last week so I said right I will do this and as the day has drawn nearer the collywobbles are there but sod it I am going to do it.
Its a lunar eclipse tonight and that means change for all of us . I know I am changing and for the better. Theres a bit of old me but a more positive me coming out -you know the one who says no to extra work and means it,
Take care -
Jean