suzannacorfu
27-06-10, 09:38
Hi, everyone,
I understand you all completely. I too have had this for many years (8) and as soon as my brain tumour has turned into a tension headache something else takes it's place. Every time I clear my throat; cancer. Every bruise; leukaemia. My left ankle swells; heart disease. I feel sleepy after a meal; a stroke. My stomach bloats; cancer.
It is never ending.
So what is it that we are ACTUALLY afraid of? I have studied and analysed this very carefully and for me it boils down to one basic thing:
If I am ill and need tests or treatment I will not be able to cope with the pain and the fear. This will make everyone angry with me, maybe despise me and I think that THAT is my worst fear. Being despised.
How could they NOT despise me? I do. I seriously despise me for having this "weakness" (please note that in ME I see this as a weakness in everyone else I do NOT see it as such. All I feel for anyone who suffers this is EMPATHY).
Can we see a pattern here? How come I despise myself for this and yet I feel so much empathy for all you guys eh??
This is classic altered thinking though! If someone were to despise me for my mind or in my work for example it would make me laugh! Why? Because I am so very, very confident in my mind and my abilitiy in the work arena. Their despising me would even touch me in the slightest. Because in MY mind their despising me would be UNFOUNDED. They would be wrong! But if they despise me for my FEAR then...yep they are right to do so!!
I look at people and small kids who have serious illnesses and they cope. Then I feel even MORE of a failure because I can't even cope with being healthy!!!
It is easy to see how I can turn this into Agoraphobia though. If I despise myself then obviously (haha) everyone else should despise me too right? So...don't go out into the world
The point of this? I neeed to address the picture that I have of myself and my fear. Of course some people WILL despise me for having a weakness but THEY are not the ones making me feel bad guys! I AM THE ONE MAKING ME FEEL BAD. It is all ME and my unrelenting "be perfect or die" attitude.
It is so horribly UNFAIR of me to feel empathy for you guys and yet to treat myself so differently.
Suzi
I understand you all completely. I too have had this for many years (8) and as soon as my brain tumour has turned into a tension headache something else takes it's place. Every time I clear my throat; cancer. Every bruise; leukaemia. My left ankle swells; heart disease. I feel sleepy after a meal; a stroke. My stomach bloats; cancer.
It is never ending.
So what is it that we are ACTUALLY afraid of? I have studied and analysed this very carefully and for me it boils down to one basic thing:
If I am ill and need tests or treatment I will not be able to cope with the pain and the fear. This will make everyone angry with me, maybe despise me and I think that THAT is my worst fear. Being despised.
How could they NOT despise me? I do. I seriously despise me for having this "weakness" (please note that in ME I see this as a weakness in everyone else I do NOT see it as such. All I feel for anyone who suffers this is EMPATHY).
Can we see a pattern here? How come I despise myself for this and yet I feel so much empathy for all you guys eh??
This is classic altered thinking though! If someone were to despise me for my mind or in my work for example it would make me laugh! Why? Because I am so very, very confident in my mind and my abilitiy in the work arena. Their despising me would even touch me in the slightest. Because in MY mind their despising me would be UNFOUNDED. They would be wrong! But if they despise me for my FEAR then...yep they are right to do so!!
I look at people and small kids who have serious illnesses and they cope. Then I feel even MORE of a failure because I can't even cope with being healthy!!!
It is easy to see how I can turn this into Agoraphobia though. If I despise myself then obviously (haha) everyone else should despise me too right? So...don't go out into the world
The point of this? I neeed to address the picture that I have of myself and my fear. Of course some people WILL despise me for having a weakness but THEY are not the ones making me feel bad guys! I AM THE ONE MAKING ME FEEL BAD. It is all ME and my unrelenting "be perfect or die" attitude.
It is so horribly UNFAIR of me to feel empathy for you guys and yet to treat myself so differently.
Suzi