Avoidance

[Chem]

I know many people find help on this site. I wonder how many others use it as an avoidance of dealing with their difficulties? It's so much easier if you can label your self and identify with others, journey through their trials and tribulations with them.

Learning to overcome anxiety is hard work and takes practise. For some it is easier to stay where they are or only travel part way down the road to recovery.

It's also dificult to retrain friends and family. They have learned behaviours with which to respond to you and lead their lives around your problems. As you recover, you may find yourself irritated by them. It's not that they are waiting for you to fail, but that they love you and want to provide a safety net if you stumble.

Avoidance is easier than recovery. We may all choose to avoid some aspects of our problems, so long as we can overcome anxiety in the areas that matter most. That's natural. Everyone chooses to do the things that are best for them. How far you go is your choice, but total avoidance and finding comfort with other sufferers alone may not be the best route to overcoming your worries. No matter how small the initial steps, we have to get out there and do it.

[bomberbeamish]

i avoid every thing and go to great lenghts and lies to get out of things,

[StoneMonkey]

Thats a really good point Chem avoidance is easier than recovery and maybe we are accepted here and that can be enough for now.
I travel part way down the road but the things that are too tough are probably the ones that should be tackled.
Simon

[sequeena]

Good post. I know I avoid a lot of things (being out by myself, speaking on the phone to people I don't know etc) but right now it's how I cope so I'll keep avoiding just that little bit longer :blush:

[diane07]

I had been doing this avoiding for many years, hence agoraphobia finally came into my life. However, upon tackling them and facing things, i have found that everything is getting easier.

So much so that i did a quiz in front of a load of people not so long ago, i dressed up as an easter bunny and went round entertaining a load of elderly people, if someone had asked me to do this last year, five years ago or even ten years ago, i'd have run a mile.

The idea now is to help and support each other and encourage others to accept what they are feeling and face it, small baby steps lead to larger challenges.

I had to get on a train on sunday, for the first ten mins of the journey, i so wanted to get off, i was taking my little girl to the theatre and i was on a time limit, i knew if i got off that train, that not only would my little girl be so upset, but i'd have also allowed the panic to win............i stayed on that train and the rest of the journey was enjoyable.

So chem, you're right, its too easy to sit and avoid, as the NMP logo says ...JFDI.

The other thing to remember that we avoid things because we build up a picture in our head, we start saying things like............what if i panic.........what if i do this.........what if i do that, they are all negative thoughts and more often than not, the thought of doing things is far worse than actually doing them.

It is that avoidance and them negative thoughts that will become a barrier to our own recovery.

di xx

[Louize]

I avoid a lot of things, i avoid walking alone, i avoid being alone for too long, i avoid laying on my left side as i sleep, i avoid signing on here too often, i try and avoid leaving the house (although i also force myself to do this, facing it is what's keeping me at uni, and i couldn't be more thankful that being able to push myself to continue with that)

I do think avoidance is better than facing the situation -- But pushing ourselves too quickly is also not good, you've got to pace yourself, and for a time, i avoided a lot more than i do now, but slowly, i'm learning to face things more head on.

Set backs just mean i have to fight harder. I don't think it's wrong to avoid at all... and if being on here does help people avoid and forget about their own problems even if for a short while, that can't be a bad thing -- I've been through a lot in my life, and escapism is a great way to get some "me" time... It's just got to be balanaced with trying to face things...

Great thread, by the way :)

[87sal87]

I was gonna post a thread like this actually...
Which is best do you think? Avoidance until you feel strong enough to cope with things OR Fighting avoidance to help you get over your 'demons' because we you don't face things how are we ever gonna get over them? We're not gonna get better hiding away from life are we?
But yet we find facing things so very hard & it stresses us out more :(
What are we to do? *sighs*

[Chem]

I had been doing this avoiding for many years, hence agoraphobia finally came into my life. However, upon tackling them and facing things, i have found that everything is getting easier.

The idea now is to help and support each other and encourage others to accept what they are feeling and face it, small baby steps lead to larger challenges.

The other thing to remember that we avoid things because we build up a picture in our head, we start saying things like............what if i panic.........what if i do this.........what if i do that, they are all negative thoughts and more often than not, the thought of doing things is far worse than actually doing them.

It is that avoidance and them negative thoughts that will become a barrier to our own recovery.

di xx

Di congratulations on all you have achieved!

I've quoted parts of your reply and considered them.

*Avoidance can lead to problems becoming worse - like my social anxiety turning to agoraphobia.

*Encouragement and support from others is invaluable in overcoming our fears.

*Negative thoughts. It is a natural part of everyone's lives to rehearse what they will do and say in any situation. The problem for many of us is that we can only think of the negative side of things - what happens if we have a panic attack, what happens if we can't cope, what happens if......

Some coping strategies I use are:

I put my clothes and bag ready the night before I need to go out. When it's time, I steel myself, get dressed and go. No stopping to think or do anything else.

I write out a pros and cons list. What might go wrong versus what the good side will be. I include my emotions and usually the pros win out! If not, then maybe it wasn't worth doing anyway and I don't fret on it or carry that forward to next time.

Small steps. If the goal seems too big, I break it down into stages and congratulate myself for each bit achieved.

One time I'd been wanting a bedroom decorated for ages. I'd not felt able to go for paint. I had a visitor coming and really wanted the room fresh, so I just went. Grabbed my purse and headed out the door! I drove to the shop and felt the panicky feelings start as I got out of the car. I gave myself a pat on the back for getting there and reminded myself how good I'd feel to have the room done. It was a huge shop with many aisles and I froze as I went in. A wave of panic started to rise. There was a Customer Service desk. I was actually clinging onto it, but managed to say to the lady there that I was agoraphobic and just couldn't manage to get around the store. She was lovely. She went for the paint and helped me through the till - even offering to walk me back to my car. I declined as I just wanted to run! OK I hadn't quite achieved my goal, but I made it home with the paint and took great pleasure in each brush stroke as it went on the walls.

Another time, it was my Dad's 70th birthday and I knew he really wanted the family to go out for a meal. I couldn't face the thought of a crowded, noisy restaurant. I was thinking of all the ways I could put him off. Then I remembered a place near us, small but light and airy. Again I grabbed the car keys before I could change my mind and I drove to the restaurant. I intended just to look in, but it was very quiet and a young girl asked me if I wanted a table. I found myself explaining and she was wonderful. She said she had a friend who was agoraphobic who she encouraged to go on nights out with herself and other friends. She showed me the restaurant and suggested that they could move two tables around to sit me by opening french doors. I booked. The next few days I was able to visualise exactly where I would be and how to get out if I needed to. We took Dad and he had a lovely birthday treat.

My next challenge is people. I suffer badly with social anxiety. I'm going to an nmp meet at Di's house. Fortunately I know the village she lives in. Di has kindly said that I can go a little early so that I don't have to walk into a room of people. I don't know if I'll find conversation easy, or if panic will rise. But I am giving myself the best chance, in a safe place with people who understand and won't be offended if I have to leave. Not meaning to belittle the meet in any way, but it's another small step to getting back into the world.

It's not easy, but I encourage anyone who avoids situations they fear to give it a try - or start taking steps towards it. Sometimes it's just your mind that builds the obstacles, not reality.

[Chem]

Seems we have 3 threads on avoidance running at the same time. Is there any way to combine them?