Finding things tough

[NickT]

Hello everyone- I've just joined the forum and have been amazed by the level of support and empathy that everyone gives to each other. I wish I'd joined sooner.

I'm currently having a bad time with depression. I've struggled with depression\anxiety for 20 years, but have found that a combination of venlafaxine\CBT really helped. The latest bout started last September- I'd just started a new job on promotion + had found out my wife was pregnant. I've always found starting new jobs hard, so I was struggling even before the news of the baby. Whilst I was overjoyed about us finally having a child (were in our late 30's) I began to look at all the things that I didn't like about myself in terms of been a father, and I panicked. We then lost our little boy at 12 weeks, which was awful, but we decided to try again in the new year.

Fortunately, my wife got pregnant again in January, and is now at 24 weeks and everything is fine with the baby. Problem is I keep having anxiety attacks about coping as a dad and doing my job. I was off for a week after the 12 week scan, and have now been off for 3 weeks since the 20 week scan. Since September, my mood has progressively gone downhill despite taking venlafaxine (150 mg) and going to CBT. Upshot is that I saw a pyschiatrist last week who suggested I increase the venlfaxine to 225 mg. I've been on 187.5 since last friday, and have really struggled over the past few days- feel v.anxious and lethargic.

All this is causing real problems with my wife. She's suffered from depression in the past and has reached the point where she realises its all about accepting who you are, which is brilliant, and i admire her strength in getting to this point. She thinks I should stop taking the venlafaxine and doing CBT- her view is I need to rely upon myself rather than looking for fixes elsewhere....

I love her to bits, and realise that I can be difficult to live with, but I just don't agree with her 'tough love' approach. I totally accept that ultimately, the only way through depression is to accept and 'own' who we are, and I really do feel that I'm starting to understand finally what that involves. But I don't want to stop the meds\CBT, as I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to cope with the feelings of helplessness. I don't want to give up on life, as I do know at some level I've got a lot to live for. But I do feel lost at the moment.

Sorry this is so long- just helps to write it down and express how I feel.

[munkeyinblack]

Hi Nick,

Sounds liek youve been going through a tough time lately! Your wife clearly loves you ans wants to help but its important to remember that everyone is different. You need to do what feels for you when it feels right.

I think your doing tremendously well to cope with everything so far and many of the links and articles on the site may give you more help and advice.

Let us know how you get on and PM if you ever need a chat.

Munkey x

[NickT]

Munkey

Thank you so much for your advice. You're absolutely right- I do know that my wife loves me, and I do know that much of what she says is a reflection of her wanting to see me better. And I do know we have to find our own path in terms of coping with depression.

I will drop you a line if thats OK- really helps to let things out.

Thanks again.

Nick

[munkeyinblack]

Thats totally fine Nick

Just remembe and give yourself a break 2 , it takes alot of strength to keep pushing through the way you are doing !

Speak soon pm anytime
Munkey x

[Veronica H]

:welcome:to NMP Nick. You have been through a great deal. Congratulations and best wishes to you both on the forthcoming baby. There is no right or wrong answer with the meds as we are all different in the way depression affects us, and to what degree. Trust your instincts on this. Meds certainly helped me during the first months of my breakdown two years ago, and recovery from panic anxiety. You will have realised from CBT though that the way we think can be changed and that it is possible for some here to get by without meds and others like me required a combination. A baby is a life changing event and it is natural that you will both look inside yourself as every parent does and ask if you are up to the task. The fact that you feel the need to do this is what will make you a good parent:):bighug1:.
I have added a few things that have really helped me;

There is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes;SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES published by Thorsens ISBN 0-7225-3155-9.This is available from the NMP shop. Dr Weekes was a physician and scientist. She was a fellow sufferer (nominated for the nobel prize for medicine) and really understood this illness. She took the mystery out of it, and devised a simple programme for recovery. I can't recommend this enough.( It is a bit old fashioned, but still so relevant).
Here is a link to her site;

http://www.drclaireweekes.co.uk/

'Mindfulness' is also good for us overthinkers. Another book which has really helped me is;

Matthieu Ricard ' Happiness...a guide to developing life's most important skill ' published by Atlantic ISBN 978-1-84354-558-3.He is a French Buddhist monk and a very accomplished man....here is a link to one of his talks.....

http://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ri...happiness.html (http://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_on_the_habits_of_happiness.html)

Veronicaxx

[NickT]

Veronica

Thank you so much for replying and welcoming me to NMP. I'll certainly track down the book you recommend, and have just watched the Matthieu Ricard link, which really helped. I think your points about mindfulness are spot on. I just want to be kinder to myself- I'm tired of beating myself up and finding reasons for not allowing myself to enjoy life. I just want to 'own' myself, rather than finding reasons for not wanting to sit in my own skin.

[Typer]

Hi Nick and welcome from me too.

Nick you say you've been suffering from depression and anx for 20 years, you must have been late teens or early 20's.

Nick I do agree with Munkey... you do have to find your own way of dealing with things, we are all different. Veronica's suggestion is great, that book has helped so many people, including me.

You can buy it via this website:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=51081


Nick CBT is a great tool for depression, but from what you are saying, I think some talking therapy would benefit you. If you are working and can afford it, I would suggest you shops around for someone who is understanding and will work at your pace.

You have had a huge loss, and as the man in the situation, it can feel difficult and you may have felt a bit helpless. I wonder why you doubt your ability to be a good Dad? There is no perfect Dad, good enough is, good enough.

I am guessing that your background may have some issues in it that are playing out. This can happen if we had issues with our parents, and even more so when we are about to become a parent. If I guessed wrongly, forgive my mistake. If I am correct, then maybe these things need to be worked through with an understanding counsellor/therapist

[NickT]

Typer

Thanks for being so supportive- I've taken yours and Veronica's advice and have orderered the book. You're right- I've had depressive periods since my early 20's. I used to think they were just to do with changing jobs (which normally triggered getting down) but as I've got older I've realised that this is just one expression lof a deeper feeling of not being happy with myself, or even wanting to be me. So, you're right, there are other things playing out, and I have being seeing a CBT counsellor since October. Whilst I've found it tremendously helpful, it hasn't stopped me getting low, which is mainly because I haven't liked the things I've being exploring about myself. So, I think now's the time to be kind to myself and accept me for who I am, including those aspects of me that I find 'difficult'.

Can I thank you all again for sound advice and kindness- its really helped to give me a lift today.

[Gordon64]

Nick

Welcome to NMP-I have found it tremendously helpful as a newcomer to it myself.

Just to add my tuppenceworth I have been posting a lot recently as I too am in turmoil over the meds v inner strength debate. I truly believe you have to go with your gut instinct-I am neither pro or anti meds_i have used them and continue to use them and appreciate they are VITAL at times. There is certainly no shame in going down that path.

But only you can decide really- that's not meant to sound harsh at all I am facing the same dilemma as you and trying to work out what path to take.

Congrats on the baby front-take one positive out of this-you are at a good stage in your life to really sort this out-and your wife although she has her own views will be there to support you. I am divorced now and lucky enough to see my two kids regularly but if I could turn back time etc...

Look after yourself and I hope it all works out for you

Gordon

[Gordon64]

Just one other thing Nick and it reiterates what Veronica said in her post-cut yourself some slack-the fact you are trying to sort this out shows that you care about the kind of father you will be.

I can be very hard on myself as a dad but have recently been easier on myself as I know in trying to deal with my depression I am trying to make not just my life better but theirs as well.

You can do the same

G

[NickT]

Gordon,

I can't tell you how much yours (and others) support means to me. I know you're right in that you have to go with your gut instinct, and mine is to carry on taking the venlafaxine\doing CBT. I accept that my wife isn't going to support this decision, but I just hope that she sticks by me.

I really like what you say about dealing with depression in terms of making your life better so that your childrens will be better too. I think that says a lot about your strength of character, and thats certainly the way I see it. I think becoming a Dad has being a catalyst for me to finally begin to look at the root reasons why I get depressed\anxious, which pretty much boils down to not liking myself. I feel that I've started to accept myself but its hard- hence the reason for getting low and depressed now.

Nick