loveletter
30-06-10, 13:18
Hi I have been on here a few weeks now and this site is really helping me.
I now know I am not alone or going mad.
I will try to keep this as short as I can as it is such a long story but please try to find the time to read thanks.
I am 47 years old always been a bit nervous scared of thunder storms as a child.
I married a 18 to a man who was always in and out of prison.
In 1981 I had a baby that meant the world to me. He looked like a little doll, I was so very happy.
In 1983 I had a miscarriage and a few months later I found my dad dead in his flat. I had to get the police to break in. Turns out my dad had been laying there about 2 weeks dead, he had choked to death on his vomit.
In May 86 my then 4 year old son who had been ill on and off for a few months with like the flu was took to hospital where he was fount to have leukaemia. He was given weeks to live.
It was at this time that I started to go funny. One day I eat a ice cream cornet and thought it was all stuck in my throat and I was going to die.
As I was staying in the hospital on and off for weeks at a time with my son it was easy to keep going into a and e.
They said I had globus hysterics. I still have it to this day.
At its worse have had to liquidise food like a baby.
The last few years I do eat but very soft food have a lot of backed potatoes will eat chicken but cut it up very small. It takes me a hour to eat a meal. I weigh just over 6 stone.
I meet another man in 1987 as I just had to divorce my husband as he would not stop going to prison.
I got pregnant again in 1987 very quickly after meeting this man so tried to make a go of things for the baby.
My son was still in and out of hospital having treatment for leukaemia.
I stayed with this man on and off until he died in May 07 age 40.
He was a alcoholic the whole time I was with him
I would not let him get drunk in my house so he would go off to drink for weeks at a time but I always took him back as by then had got very bad panic attacks. Dizziness was so very bad I could not always walk. Could not go out the house alone.
When he come back to me he come off the drink for weeks at a tme and was loving and caring and really looked after me.
But when he wanted to drink again would cause rows and leave.
We had another child in 1997 but still he did not change.
I stayed with him so long because I was so very scared to be alone because I could not cope on my own with the panic attacks the dizziness would scare me so much.
Also I had become a Christian and was going to church and prayed and prayed for this man to change.
In 05 he got him self on heroin and then I knew I could never have him back again.
3 weeks before he died he come back to me off the heroin I nursed him through the cold turkey and the church helped us to.
But he one day decided to rob my house I caught him and told him to get out. I never sew him again as 1 week later he was dead.
I will never forget the day my 9 year old come home from school and I had to tell him his dad was dead.
He was so very close to his dad. His other son age 20 then did not want to know would not even go to the funeral.
Since the my 22 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant and her family did not like it.
They used to come to the house when they where drunk late at night with base ball bats banging on windows and one night tried to smash the front door down.
This went on for a year and a half my 9 year old and me where so scared we had to sleep at my 89 year old mums a lot of the time as we where too scared to be at home.
Thank God we got a new house out of the area almost 2 years ago.
A nice peaceful village and have had no trouble here at all.
But my son has been locking doors day and night and runs up stairs in fear if the door knocks. Although the last few moths this seems to be getting better.
He will not go out to make friends.
He had not really been to school for a year and a half. Had lots of meetings with education and I asked for a social worker.
It ended with March this year me being took to court.. I had to see a probation officer who said I could be sent to prison for 90 days.
I have never ever been so scared in all my life.
I can not even shut my own bathroom or bed room door as I have claustrophobia so very bad.
I have a phobia over the dark and have to have a candle and torch by my bed every night in case there is a power cut. I have panic attacks every day and am always dizzy.
I had to travel 11 miles to go to court as was told I would be arrested if I did not go.
I had to stand in the dock shaking with fear and in the end fell to the floor in the dock out of total fear.
I just knew I got not go to prison and be locked in a cell.
I ended up with a 4 month conditional discharge saying I have 4 months to get my son to school.
There is a unit within the school with just a few other children in it where my son can go so this is a good thing.
He has been quite a few times but of late they are now wanting him to go all day 4 days a week.
He has to get on a school bus and mix with other children now as they said no more help with lefts from the education department or social services.
My son has not been for a week and said to me today I hate you and will not go so you get in so much trouble you go to prison or kill yourself.
My son swears and shouts at me all the time every day and never ever goes out apart from the odd time he sees his one and only mate that lives in another village or goes out with his grand mother once a week.
I am having trouble breathing am dizzy and shaky all day and night because of the rows all the time with him.
Social workers have blamed me saying I am neglecting him because of my panic attacks.
How am I suppose to make a 11 stone boy go out and made friends and I can not drag him to school. I am on my own coping with this.
I am out of my mind with worry that I will end up in prison it is making me so ill.
The one good thing in all this the one thing that is giving me strength and helping me do each day is God.
I love him so very much and I do trust him that some how some way this situation will get better.I have a few Christian freinds that have me over for bible study and a meal sometimes although I can not really eat the meal much.I have not been to church for a few weeks as can not be there 2 hours with out having to want to run out.
I sit alone day and night every holiday every weekend while every one else seems to have some one but its never me I am the one always alone.
Sorry this was so long but had to just get it all out of me somehow some way
I now know I am not alone or going mad.
I will try to keep this as short as I can as it is such a long story but please try to find the time to read thanks.
I am 47 years old always been a bit nervous scared of thunder storms as a child.
I married a 18 to a man who was always in and out of prison.
In 1981 I had a baby that meant the world to me. He looked like a little doll, I was so very happy.
In 1983 I had a miscarriage and a few months later I found my dad dead in his flat. I had to get the police to break in. Turns out my dad had been laying there about 2 weeks dead, he had choked to death on his vomit.
In May 86 my then 4 year old son who had been ill on and off for a few months with like the flu was took to hospital where he was fount to have leukaemia. He was given weeks to live.
It was at this time that I started to go funny. One day I eat a ice cream cornet and thought it was all stuck in my throat and I was going to die.
As I was staying in the hospital on and off for weeks at a time with my son it was easy to keep going into a and e.
They said I had globus hysterics. I still have it to this day.
At its worse have had to liquidise food like a baby.
The last few years I do eat but very soft food have a lot of backed potatoes will eat chicken but cut it up very small. It takes me a hour to eat a meal. I weigh just over 6 stone.
I meet another man in 1987 as I just had to divorce my husband as he would not stop going to prison.
I got pregnant again in 1987 very quickly after meeting this man so tried to make a go of things for the baby.
My son was still in and out of hospital having treatment for leukaemia.
I stayed with this man on and off until he died in May 07 age 40.
He was a alcoholic the whole time I was with him
I would not let him get drunk in my house so he would go off to drink for weeks at a time but I always took him back as by then had got very bad panic attacks. Dizziness was so very bad I could not always walk. Could not go out the house alone.
When he come back to me he come off the drink for weeks at a tme and was loving and caring and really looked after me.
But when he wanted to drink again would cause rows and leave.
We had another child in 1997 but still he did not change.
I stayed with him so long because I was so very scared to be alone because I could not cope on my own with the panic attacks the dizziness would scare me so much.
Also I had become a Christian and was going to church and prayed and prayed for this man to change.
In 05 he got him self on heroin and then I knew I could never have him back again.
3 weeks before he died he come back to me off the heroin I nursed him through the cold turkey and the church helped us to.
But he one day decided to rob my house I caught him and told him to get out. I never sew him again as 1 week later he was dead.
I will never forget the day my 9 year old come home from school and I had to tell him his dad was dead.
He was so very close to his dad. His other son age 20 then did not want to know would not even go to the funeral.
Since the my 22 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant and her family did not like it.
They used to come to the house when they where drunk late at night with base ball bats banging on windows and one night tried to smash the front door down.
This went on for a year and a half my 9 year old and me where so scared we had to sleep at my 89 year old mums a lot of the time as we where too scared to be at home.
Thank God we got a new house out of the area almost 2 years ago.
A nice peaceful village and have had no trouble here at all.
But my son has been locking doors day and night and runs up stairs in fear if the door knocks. Although the last few moths this seems to be getting better.
He will not go out to make friends.
He had not really been to school for a year and a half. Had lots of meetings with education and I asked for a social worker.
It ended with March this year me being took to court.. I had to see a probation officer who said I could be sent to prison for 90 days.
I have never ever been so scared in all my life.
I can not even shut my own bathroom or bed room door as I have claustrophobia so very bad.
I have a phobia over the dark and have to have a candle and torch by my bed every night in case there is a power cut. I have panic attacks every day and am always dizzy.
I had to travel 11 miles to go to court as was told I would be arrested if I did not go.
I had to stand in the dock shaking with fear and in the end fell to the floor in the dock out of total fear.
I just knew I got not go to prison and be locked in a cell.
I ended up with a 4 month conditional discharge saying I have 4 months to get my son to school.
There is a unit within the school with just a few other children in it where my son can go so this is a good thing.
He has been quite a few times but of late they are now wanting him to go all day 4 days a week.
He has to get on a school bus and mix with other children now as they said no more help with lefts from the education department or social services.
My son has not been for a week and said to me today I hate you and will not go so you get in so much trouble you go to prison or kill yourself.
My son swears and shouts at me all the time every day and never ever goes out apart from the odd time he sees his one and only mate that lives in another village or goes out with his grand mother once a week.
I am having trouble breathing am dizzy and shaky all day and night because of the rows all the time with him.
Social workers have blamed me saying I am neglecting him because of my panic attacks.
How am I suppose to make a 11 stone boy go out and made friends and I can not drag him to school. I am on my own coping with this.
I am out of my mind with worry that I will end up in prison it is making me so ill.
The one good thing in all this the one thing that is giving me strength and helping me do each day is God.
I love him so very much and I do trust him that some how some way this situation will get better.I have a few Christian freinds that have me over for bible study and a meal sometimes although I can not really eat the meal much.I have not been to church for a few weeks as can not be there 2 hours with out having to want to run out.
I sit alone day and night every holiday every weekend while every one else seems to have some one but its never me I am the one always alone.
Sorry this was so long but had to just get it all out of me somehow some way