shotokansho
01-07-10, 21:41
Hello everyone.
For the many that will know me on here will know that I have had some really dreadful times the past year. From a break-down, to two hospital admissions and more. I have been severely depressed, self harmed and suffered horrific intrusive thoughts. I'm not trying to glorify my condition, i'm just describing it as I felt it at the time, as I am sure we all feel things in our own way.
I was first admitted in September 2009 after having a breakdown. I was then admitted again in November after self harming and threatening suicide. I absolutely hated myself and the life I was living. I was in a state of fear, disgust and pure panic over myself. I thought I was a waste and didn't deserve to live.
They first started me on Escitalopram of 10mg, this wasn't working and I self harmed on them. My gp changed my meds to Citalopram of 40mg and gradually things started to improve.
I'm not saying the new Medication was affecting everything because I truly believe you have to work along with the meds and help yourself too. I was relying to much on them at first and still suffering with a lot of depressive blips. Sometimes they would just last a day or two but sometimes they could last up to a couple of weeks. With help from my support worker and friends and family I realised I wasn't helping myself. I was just sitting in the house everyday not doing anything. Staring at four walls, crying and not eating. I would often take my son to school and then come home and go back to bed. I would get up at 3pm to collect him. Because I was so low and tired I couldn't be bothered cooking so sent my eldest out to buy them chips.
I really don't know what happened but I suddenly starting pulling myself out of the rut. I began to want to do things. It started with simple things like doing the garden or cleaning one room at a time in my house. My support worker for months had been trying to get me to go to the drop-ins but I would never go. I decided one day to go. I was so scared, like a little frightened rabbit. I cried all the way through it and sat all by myself not talking to anyone. Then I came on here and spoke to someone in chat and I realised it wouldn't always be like that, it was just probably cos it was my first time. I decided to go again and I have never looked back. It's a fantastic place and I enjoy it so much. We all put £1 in the kitty and have a lovely lunch and sit around and have coffee and chat. It's mad because we don't talk about depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD or anything unless we actually want to. We laugh and joke and I think it's brilliant.
My happiness isn't fake, as it always has been. I am genuinely feeling heaps better and I am actually finding it a little strange. All my original support networks are slowly dissapearing and I really don't mind. I don't find it daunting or scary because I know I can finally stand on my own two feet for the first time in years. I have enrolled in college and I am going to go on a volunteer course when I am off my medication in six months time. I am enjoying my children and my life more than I have ever done, and I am learning to be grateful for what I have.
I have to convey my great big thanks to NMP and I want to give great big huggles to all my buddies on here and all the members that have replied to my posts and helped me to make sense of things. It's hard to look at things the way they really are when things seem so grim, I am just so grateful that I have been able to do that.
I know that my life is far from perfect and I am expecting to have some down days, even more than good one's. But now I can confidently say that I think I can deal with it. I will always come on here, and I will always go in chat. I have made so many wonderful friends and met some amazing people. I just wanted to say thank you.
Kez xxxx
For the many that will know me on here will know that I have had some really dreadful times the past year. From a break-down, to two hospital admissions and more. I have been severely depressed, self harmed and suffered horrific intrusive thoughts. I'm not trying to glorify my condition, i'm just describing it as I felt it at the time, as I am sure we all feel things in our own way.
I was first admitted in September 2009 after having a breakdown. I was then admitted again in November after self harming and threatening suicide. I absolutely hated myself and the life I was living. I was in a state of fear, disgust and pure panic over myself. I thought I was a waste and didn't deserve to live.
They first started me on Escitalopram of 10mg, this wasn't working and I self harmed on them. My gp changed my meds to Citalopram of 40mg and gradually things started to improve.
I'm not saying the new Medication was affecting everything because I truly believe you have to work along with the meds and help yourself too. I was relying to much on them at first and still suffering with a lot of depressive blips. Sometimes they would just last a day or two but sometimes they could last up to a couple of weeks. With help from my support worker and friends and family I realised I wasn't helping myself. I was just sitting in the house everyday not doing anything. Staring at four walls, crying and not eating. I would often take my son to school and then come home and go back to bed. I would get up at 3pm to collect him. Because I was so low and tired I couldn't be bothered cooking so sent my eldest out to buy them chips.
I really don't know what happened but I suddenly starting pulling myself out of the rut. I began to want to do things. It started with simple things like doing the garden or cleaning one room at a time in my house. My support worker for months had been trying to get me to go to the drop-ins but I would never go. I decided one day to go. I was so scared, like a little frightened rabbit. I cried all the way through it and sat all by myself not talking to anyone. Then I came on here and spoke to someone in chat and I realised it wouldn't always be like that, it was just probably cos it was my first time. I decided to go again and I have never looked back. It's a fantastic place and I enjoy it so much. We all put £1 in the kitty and have a lovely lunch and sit around and have coffee and chat. It's mad because we don't talk about depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD or anything unless we actually want to. We laugh and joke and I think it's brilliant.
My happiness isn't fake, as it always has been. I am genuinely feeling heaps better and I am actually finding it a little strange. All my original support networks are slowly dissapearing and I really don't mind. I don't find it daunting or scary because I know I can finally stand on my own two feet for the first time in years. I have enrolled in college and I am going to go on a volunteer course when I am off my medication in six months time. I am enjoying my children and my life more than I have ever done, and I am learning to be grateful for what I have.
I have to convey my great big thanks to NMP and I want to give great big huggles to all my buddies on here and all the members that have replied to my posts and helped me to make sense of things. It's hard to look at things the way they really are when things seem so grim, I am just so grateful that I have been able to do that.
I know that my life is far from perfect and I am expecting to have some down days, even more than good one's. But now I can confidently say that I think I can deal with it. I will always come on here, and I will always go in chat. I have made so many wonderful friends and met some amazing people. I just wanted to say thank you.
Kez xxxx