Introduction - HOPE

[Hope Justice]

Hi all!

I'm new here (: stumbled upon this site yesterday when googling the two words "morbid thoughts" as i have those frequently atm, trying to deal with/ get rid of them, whatever you do.

Well, my name is Hope, i'm 22, half Dutch, half English, and i've been suverely depressed for years now due to horrible life events (abuse in family / surrounded by drugs / friends died / boyfriend wanted to commit suicide....). I'd say it's gotten worse the last four years, most of the friends i had didn't understand my depression and that it took so long, hey it isn't a broken leg right?? So i thought well if it were the other way around i'd be there for you on the spot and you don't wanna / can't understand me for some reason, so i'd rather have no friends than friends that bring me down, and i began to isolate myself. The friends that did understand i eventually became really embarassed towards because i didn't feel like myself, because of my depression.

Well, among other things, i've had anxiety fits, so bad that i was screaming on busy shopping streets, i'd say i still get anxiety fits but in a different way, my thoughts seem to be uncontrolable; worrying, embarassment, anger, but also (that just recently started) the morbid thoughts that absolutely scare the shit out of me, like me hanging myself, i imagine myself cutting my neck almost every time i see a sharp knife and without looking at knives...

I've tried many psychiatrists over the years, pills that didn't work (hate pills), now i'm going to try a group therapy that focusses more on building your self esteem rather than stuff that went wrong all week. I can't remember what it's called in English.

Also here in Holland they regularly have Paranormal (and spiritual) meetings and i was really interested in that cause i'm all into paganism at the moment, and i had a few readings done that really helped clarify my state at the moment. Some say it's bull but i say if it helps it helps. Plus there was another man who i'm going to see NEXT WEEK, who really pulled all dark n dirty life history out, i think we're gonna do like a cleansing thing!!! I can't wait to see how that turns out, i'm so excited about it!

Well,
that's me for now!!

Love and hugs to all!
And remember you're all fighters!! ^^
:bighug1:

xxx

[diane07]

Hi Hope Justice

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[gypsywomen]

hi hope well your name says it all hope ,thats cool ,it sounds like you have had a very hard time with little or no love or understanding ,,i hope the guy helps you but be very carefull

[MT244]

Hoi Hope,

I seems like you have intrusive thoughts, this is part of OCD, a anxiety related ''dissorder''. If you only have these obsessive thoughts they call it pure-O. I had really bad episodes of pure-O, the same as you, everytime I see something sharp I got the thought of cutting myself or people I loved. I didnt want to have those thoughts and they scared the living shit out of me. U gotta realise that these thoughts are normal, everyone has them.

Everyone thinks about jumping in front of the train when it enters the station, or about poking ones eyes out when they are talking to them. Whatever it is, it is just your brain confronting you with possibility's. It doesnt make you a bad person and its not some kind of evil spirit. Normal people have these thoughts for a couple of seconds and then they forget about it, they often hardly notice them. Your problem is that you are trying to get rid of the thoughts and that you are a afraid that you might turn them to action, the problem is that that way you only trigger to think about it even more! There isnt one case of a pure-O actually doing the things he thought off!

If you want to talk about it (in Dutch or English) and maybe get some tips you can send me your MSN in a PM. Ive been thru the same things as you, except for the abusive family part. I'm doing alot better now so maybe I can help you and tell you how I did it. I think this paranormal stuff will not help because it will only let you focus on these thoughts and thats excactly the thing that you shouldnt do!!!!

If you dont feel like talking to me I recommend you to at least look at this video by Dr Phillipson, its pretty dry and old but it really teaches you the best way to look at your ''dissorder''. It's well known that the GGZ (mental health care) in holland is bad and the only way you can get decent help in that area is when it's too late or if you are willing to pay alot of money. Dr phillipson is a cognitive therapist from New York with a very high success rate and reading his articles and this video helped me a lot: Video by Dr. Steven Phillipson. (http://www.ocdonline.com/video.php)