Can't take anymore

[lard]

I really don’t know what to do anymore, I feel desperate and like my life is at an end. For nearly a year now I have been plagued by massive bouts of anxiety, this all started when I got sent a broad on business and ended up having a massive panic attack. I don’t travel well and my wife was 2 weeks away from giving birth to our second child so stress was very high.
Since that panic attack my OCD has flared up really badly, it has now turned the feeling of anxiety into my obsession (rather than a thought) and my compulsions are reassurance seeking from my wife and family. I know this sounds bizarre but it’s my life at the moment and I really can’t take it much longer.
I had been on Sertraline for over 5 years but my GP advised I come off that and try different medication, I have been on anti psychotics which made me ten times worse, I tried Citalapram which did work for 3 weeks but then stopped working. I have tried 5 weeks off meds but still no end to the suffering. Last Friday I was put on Venlafaxine, I only managed to take 6 tablets before I could no longer take the side horrible side effects, now I have had 2 days of the worse anxiety I have ever felt, the feeling takes my breath away, I am struggling to work as I have zero motivation and zero energy. Also I am struggling to look after my 2 young children who I have to do breakfast for and dress every morning, I am consumed by the feeling of pure anxiety.
I do see a CBT therapist but struggle to get any help from my sessions, a pain considering I’m paying £50 an hour for it. She makes it sound so simple, stop thinking about it and don’t go on forums like this seeking reassurance. If it were that simple would I be in the state I am in?
I feel alone and left to fend for myself and just put up and shut up. My mother has just bought me some St Johns Wort to try but is there any point? I feel this is now my life, wake up and get hit by massive waves of anxiety which last pretty much all day, I dread waking up, I dread weekends, I look forward to nothing, my life feels over. I have everything I ever wanted in life and I can’t enjoy it due to this evil illness. I just don’t know how much longer I can take the constant feeling of anxiety and I have thought about ending it, something I really don’t want to do, I want to see my children grow up. I’m so scared that is the only option I have left, I just cant see it changing.
I have been told to just let the feelings be there and show them no attention, HOW? I have OCD and so I have no control over my thinking or thoughts, its always on my mind, its so strong.
Is there hope or is this it?

[paulaf]

Venlafaxine is a good drug for OCD and anxiety, perhaps you need to give it more time? Another good one is Seroxat or Clomipramine, although Clomipramine is an older style drug. I empathise as I feel the same dread every waking hour - mornings are the worst. I'm sure it will get better for you if you get on the right medication, best of luck.

[martin1976]

Hi Lard, I'm sorry things are bad at the moment mate and you can't see a light in the tunnel, but the very fact your getting up in a morning and facing the day is something you should be very proud of as I know how difficult it can be when it is with you every waking moment.. I think you probably need a little more time for the meds to kick in, I'm pretty sure they will. Hang in there mate. I felt like that for the last 5 weeks and just 2 days ago the cloud started lifting, I was given proprananol to help ease the physical symptoms of anxiety which helps ease of the mind..
If you ever need to chat PM me anytime.
Martin

[reallyfedup]

venlafaxine made me feel drugged for about a week when first taking it and with each dose increase but i am now up to 225 mg and find it helps a lot as i had very severe anxiety. the side effects/ feeling drugged disappear as I get used to it. good luck x

[gypsywomen]

it sounds like you have it very bad ,, and you need somebody to listen not tell you what you should do ,if you ever want to chat just pm me i will listen ,there is hope dont give up your family need you ,and you need them ,,

[georgina20]

Hi oh my god you poor man .just a suggestion a hypnotheripst one that deals with nnlp . not cheap but you need to change the way you think about things. can't do that without proffessional help you can also chat with me i will try and help you all i can .bit new to these forums . so don't no if you will get this !!!!!!!!!!

[katz41]

I can only empathise as someone else who suffers badly when my OCD flares up...I would strongly suggest you talk asap to your doctor. Really hope you get the help you badly need.

I'm on 40mg of cipramil and have been on this dose for months and to be honest it hasn't helped much. I'm going back to my gp to see if I can try something else.

Please don't give up, do see your doc and let us know how you get on.

[joannap]

i really feel for you but i have come through periods of this by using beta blockers when i felt i needed them and pure acceptance. it is really difficult and please do not think i underestimate how you feel - in march this year i was crying on and off all day, felt CONSTANT levels of panic/anxiety/obsessive thoughts and felt i could not cope for even one more second but i decided to accept all of it and it took a few shaky weeks before i even started to feel improvements but now i am so much better.

i suggest getting at last a life - if you put this into the search engine it is a book written by paul david who suffered extreme anxiety where he could not get out of bed most days and he overcome it in the same way x

[Bill]

I have everything I ever wanted in life and I can’t enjoy it due to this evil illness.

Responsibilty and the fear of losing. These are what are making your OCD worse.

When we have a wife, children and a home...and "everything we've ever wanted", they bring with them pressure because we feel responsible for their safety. Also, when we feel we have everything, we also feel we have everything to lose which when combined with responsibilty then makes us dream up all the wost possible things that could happen which appear in our minds as intrusive thoughts. These in turn then makes us feel anxious because they frighten us so much as they're our worst fears we're trying to avoid and prevent from happening.

If you imagine a footballer taking a penalty in the last minute of a match with his team losing, in his mind he will be feeling the responsibility for his team knowing if he misses they will lose the game. He therefore has alot of pressure sitting on his shoulders because of his fears and these fears could make him anxious.
For him, he needs to focus on scoring the goal needed and not what he fears so that he doesn't become too anxious.

Anyway, those are the sort of things that can cause OCD to develop and become a major problem.

What actually happens to our thinking patterns is this...

Imagine a rollarcoaster. The peaks are high anxiety. The troughs are after you performed an OCD ritual to ease the high anxiety. This is how OCD takes hold because we never allow ourselves time to become de-sensitised to our fears.

The normal pattern should be to allow ourselves to feel the fear by resisting our compulsions to perform a ritual. In this way, the high anxiety "gradually" goes down with time. The next time we the think this frightening thought, it becomes easier to resist a ritual because over time we gradually realise it's safe to think this thought because nothing will happen because it's just a thought created by our fears like having a nightmare while we're awake.

One way of working through OCD is by making up a list of fears and rituals. Grade each one from 1 to 10. The thoughts that create least anxiety you grade as 1 with the thoughts that create extreme anxiety as 10. What you then do is target one of the grade 1's by pushing yourself to resist performing a ritual. Once you achieve this goal on a regular basis, you then move to your grade 2's and so on. By the time you reach your grade 10's, they will feel more like grade 1's. The reason for this is because with each grade you overcome, your confidence builds because you prove to yourself it's safe not to perform a ritual because they are just thoughts. By the time you reach your grade 10 you'll have proved to yourself they're just really the same as your grade 1's. Thoughts created by fear. In this way, you then overcome your OCD.

And just so you know I know it works, I used to suffer OCD very badly too but now, although I still get intrusive thoughts, I no longer feel compelled to repeat rituals because I know now they're just being created by deep down fears. Therefore, although I still have fears, they no longer make me perform rituals so that OCD is no longer a problem.

Hope that's of help to you.:)

[joannap]

i always agree with bill but perhaps the rating is harder to do when your complusions/rituals are not physical? you need to stop seeking reassurance and using that to reduce your fear - let the fear ride through you instead - after a few times of doing this you will realise it always quietens eventually and that you can reassure yourself. ask your family members to NOT reassure you - to remind you to work through the fear - they can sit with you when you do this x