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Bandit
24-02-04, 13:16
Hi Guys,

Just wanted to say that I was mighty impressed by the messages on here, and a quick good luck to you all before I begin my little tale.

About 4 years ago I started dabbling in ecstacy when out clubbing, not to any major extent but I really suffered on the come downs after the weekend. Anyway, after one friday night out I was at home alone when I had my first ever panic attack. This really scared the life out of me and they carried on till I got out of my flat and went to the pub where there were other people. Anyway, I put it down to a one off but it happend the next night so I rang a girl I had just started seeing to go and see her just so I didn't have to be on my own. Basically, I was so freaked by these panic attacks that I feared being alone and developed a dependence on this girl. Even to the extent of moving in with her after 6 weeks, I think I mistook this dependence for love. Anyway, it is nearly 4 years later now and I am still with the same girl. If I am honest the relationship is dead in the water but I keep it going as I am scared of the panic attacks coming back. This is totally unfair to her as she is thinking marriage etc soon (although I know she knows something isn't right). I broke up with her about two years ago when the relationship should have ended and was ok for a couple of weeks, saw her out with another guy and then suffered non-stop panic for about a week or so. Eventually I managed to get her back but obviously for the wrong reasons. She deserves some one who can give her the life she wants, and I am stopping this form happening as I am scared of losing her.
A mess I think you'll agree, I need to end it but I'm scared of the panic attacks starting again!!!!

mico
24-02-04, 15:02
Hi Bandit

It's good that your thinking about her feelings too, but you know that you need to tackle this problem in one way or another. Maybe you could try to progressively become more independent, spend less time with this girl and more time on your own. How you do that is entirely up to you.

There are many people on these boards who don't like to be alone, and I'm sure some of them will give you advice too, but for me, I love being alone, yeah it's nice to be with people too, but I do enjoy being alone. All I'm trying to say is "alone" is not a negative word as some people percieve it to be, it can be a very good thing at times. I understand that this isn't a great help to you since these words arn't going to suddenly stop your panic, just thought it was worth pointing out.

Maybe you could talk to this girl about your real feelings, do you think she would help you if she knew the truth? If so then it may be worth a try.

And as for the excstasy, although you may well already know this, but the reason you feel so good on excstasy is because it releases large amounts of serotonin(your natural drug which makes you feel happy) into your brain, but once your 'comming down' your brain produces smaller amounts of serotonin than normal, leaving you in a depressed and anxious state, which can actually last for up to a couple of weeks. So it's no surprise that you suffered your first panic attack after taking excstasy.

I think the major point here though is that you have to re-learn how to be alone and be comfortable with it, and to do that you need to take gradual steps in that direction.

mico

Lottie32
24-02-04, 16:27
Dear Bandit

Well done for being honest with yourself. It will bring you so much closer to "curing" yourself.

Start by putting everything into perspective. What is it that this girl does that stops you from having a panic attack? Could you do it for yourself? Could your friends help you?

Have you visited the doctor and talked about your panic attacks? Are you on any medication?

Start at the beginning and make sure you are living as healthily as you can - food, exercise, supplements, stop or cut down on drinking and smoking. Don't do drugs.

Do some research (starting with this site!) and read everything you can about panic. Try some of the techniques until you discover your own personal "first aid" kit. Breathing works for everybody. Buy or borrow some of the books listed in the recommended reading section.

Discuss the problem with your girlfriend. Explain that you don't have the strength of feeling for her that you should have, and that it would be fairer to let her go.

Always remember that anxiety is something that can be overcome, you just have to put a bit of effort in, and it is not an immediate effect. Our site motto is little steps.

You were on your own before this girl, and you were fine, you can cope on your own again.

Best of luck - and remember, there is always somebody on the site to offer help, advice or just a bit of moral.!


Charlie

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Bandit
24-02-04, 16:56
Cheers guys, I guess you just need people to tell you the harsh truth now and again. I'm gonna give this site a good read and then sit my girlfriend down for 'the talk'. Can't be scared all your life eh!

Lottie32
24-02-04, 17:40
Well good luck Bandit

Just make sure that you think about yourself as well as her.

Try some of the techniques and advice first, and practice damage limitation for you both!

Break ups are really tough - particularly after four years. Remember that a "normal" person will "suffer" a wide range of emotions after a split, which may include anxiety, panic, a wide range of physical symptoms, and emotional issues!

Change to routine is always difficult, but is often felt much more acutely by sufferers of anxiety and panic. I've spent that long alone now, I'm not sure if I could cope with a relationship - which has made me face up to the fact that I need to sort myself out first before I involve anybody else in my life. Maybe thats something for you to look at?

The local health authority will have a community mental health team, and will provide a wide range of services, including CBT. Your GP can refer you.


Charlie

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Meg
24-02-04, 18:04
As Mico said your first was purely esctasy led.
The next few were probably be your brain getting in balance again- this can take several weeks.

The rest are learned behaviour and are easier to unlearn than if you actually have fear triggers- apart from being home alone.

It's better to wean yourself off dependence than doing it cold turkey so read up , know that none of the symptoms can harm you, practice your breathing and then start becoming independent . Being purely selfish - you might want to keep from telling her for a few more weeks until you have built up further skills in coping in preparation of the imminent stress and tension that a split may cause .

Explain to other friends and family and have them on standby for when the time comes.

Well done for being honest with you both and acknowedging the real issues.
Good luck


Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

diana
25-02-04, 02:13
Hiya Bandit,

Well done for being so honest and raw about your past.

That is the beginning of healing and coping. Good that you are able to put your finger on the possible triggers of a PA for you.

I agree with everyone else`s posts, about the imminent stress and tension that will follow this break up. Every "NORMAL" person goes through it and so do we. Just at a much more acute level.

I do really respect your honesty about the relationship and the ecstasy use, and the fact that you are willing to let her go to find and achieve what she wants in a relationship is very honorable of you. A very loving gesture in fact.

You don`t find so many folks willing to give their comfort up for the other persons best interest.

Four years is a long time and it will be hard, no doubt about it. Just be as honest with her as you have been here and that is the very best you can do.

You also have to remember that you are also sacrificing your "COMFORT ZONE" that you have built around her, and that is gonna be quite hard for you to let go of, as hard as it is for a female to let go of a future with their partner. You both will be hurt, stressed and tense. Just remember that "This To Shall Pass".

You will both be better people for seperating if you know that the relationship is going no where. You will both be better partners in your next relationship by putting things into perspective now.

I do wish you the best of luck!!!!!! Keep us posted to let us know how things get on for you.

Remember we are always here if ya need a friend.

Take care,

Diana xxxxx