Marriage in trouble cos of panic

[paulaf]

Hi, today I had a truly awful day. My husband wanted to go shopping but I felt too anxious and wanted to stay home (as usual). Anyway, he started saying that the way I am is making him feel depressed and guilt tripping me because he wants to have kids right away. He was crying but more for himself than me, he keeps saying 'you don't need pills' and 'just relax'. He doesnt understand that I have an anxiety disorer and am extremely unwell at the moment. I ended up having the worst panic attack ever and am going to have to call in sick from work tomorrow. I feel lower than I have felt in years. Please help.

[diane07]

Aww hun,

How sad, have you thought about asking him to join this site so he gets a better understanding of anxiety, we have lots of partners of sufferers who have done this.

di x

[paulaf]

Thanks, it is a good suggestion but I know he will never understand. I am really scared that this will be the end of us. I feel like this problem is ruining my life. I just want to feel better and be able to function like a normal person. I'm so confused.

[musicman65]

Check out this book on Amazon; Talking To Anxiety: Simple Ways To Support Someone In Your Life Who Suffers From Anxiety by Claudia J. Strauss & Jeanne Albronda Heaton.

[NickT]

Paulaf

I'm really sorry you're husband is struggling to support you. I know its hard, but try and bear in mind that a lot of what he is saying is probably more about frustration than anything else. As a bloke, I do understand that he's probably feeling a bit helpless at the moment in terms of being able to help you, but its coming out the wrong way.

And do (gently) remind him that you need support if you're to have a family, which means working together rather than arguing....

I'm having a tough time with my partner at the moment- she understandably gets fed up sometimes when I'm feeling depressed\anxious. Best thing I've found is to allow her to vent, give her a few hours space, and then try and sit down and talk together. I think its important for us show that we do understand that our behaviour has an impact on our partners whilst making it clear that we don't choose to be this way.

I hope things get better.

Nick

[paulaf]

Thankyou all for your replies, it is the only thing that has made me feel a bit better. I think he is frustrated and just does not understand. I don't know if anyone truly understands unless they have had panic attacks and anxiety or any kind of mental illness. I hope that perhaps we can talk at some point and he will understand what I have been going through. I sometimes feel like my illness is just an inconvenience to him.

[traciec39]

I feel exactly the same as you with my hubby, even after 16 years, hes still no nearer to understanding panic and depression.
I had a wonderful doctor a long time ago and she made me bring him in to see her and she explained everything to him inc, the fact that i cant just pull myself together and get over it!!!!! but even now i feel im a hindrance to him, that i hold him back etc.
Is your doctor very understanding? maybe he/she could have a chat with him?
I find that I end up hiding just how bad im feeling from my hubby, which actually makes me worse.
Good luck sweetheart xxxx

[Vixxy]

I found the best way to explain it to people is to ask them what theyre afraid of and then get them to imagine theyre about to face that fear right now. Then tell them you feel like that all the time.

[margaret jones]

Poor you
I think it is difficult for people to try and understand how we as suffers of anxiety / panic feel ,my hubby is much the same but i try and do what my councellor told me and when he really gets me down with his lack of understanding , I try and remind him how his anger makes me feel and really adds to my anxiety ( works sometimes ) I do feel more in control when i have told him and it does reduce my anxiety after a while .

Best Wishes Maggiexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[jude uk]

It is so difficult for anyone to understand how we all feel and its so difficult for them to understand. I have heard many people saying "I wish I could understand what you're going through". They really do wish they could understand.

Everyone understands a broken leg, a headache, toothache, and for all the really undertanding men PMT:)but when it comes to panic agoraphobia etc, they just cant get their heads round it.
I am sure we would feel the same if we had not experienced it.

The guilt we all feel for being this way is hard to cope with and its harder when we are made to feel worse by others for being this way but we should not feel guilt. We are no different from someone that cant do what they used too if they had a broken leg etc

I think knowledge helps. Those who dont understand should read about it and maybe this will give insight to how we feel.

[panicynan]

HI im new to this site but just wanted to say been married 30yrs this year:blush: and have always felt guilty about holding my husband and 3 children back because of the restrictions i put on my life .....but i have 3 wonderful wellrounded fantastic adults 2 with babies of their own and a husband who doesnt get what i go through so sometimes i have to force myself to do things he wants to do (and i cant believe i actually did this)go on a cruise last august on 1 of the biggest ships in the world i was hysterical before we went but i did it with his support and i actually enjoyed myself most of the time!he has never blamed me for the way i am,i know im fortunate so in return he goes to the british lions tours next one australia fair trade off.I suppose what im trying to say is dont beat yourself up about feeling guilty about husbands and children. They benefit from having somebody who is brave (because we are )and sensitive to others ,we are the good guys even though it doesnt always feel that way.

[bobby0786]

Hi Paulaf,

I understand how you feel, My wife was very supportive to start with but now we get in arguments about my panic, It so hard to explain to her how a panic attack feels, She says its all in my head, and yes she's maybe right, but its still a frightning experiance.

B

[sarah jayne]

I understand how you feel, ive only been married a year and i feel like its not going to last. I love my husband to bits and i know he loves me but my anxiety is putting a huge strain on our relationship. Ive got 2 young kids and i feel guilty for holding them back aswell.
Sarah x

[joannap]

i feel so sorry you do not have an understanding partner. if my husband was like that with me i seriously do not know if i could stay with him lol because the more supportive and understanding they are - the better we naturally feel. i have been married for 9 years - my husband must be one in a million because he has NEVER been anything but great - he makes me laugh and shouts pea extraction (referring to my brain) if i have a panic! i really don't think i could cope with panic and an unsupportive husband. how would he like it if he started to suffer from a health problem and you were just as dismissive and i am sorry but i think it is very selfish trying to persuade you to have kids - he is not thinking of what is right for you.

I can understand that he gets frustrated and yes - some people cannot cope with a spouses illness whether it is mind/body related but i think he needs to grow up and remember his wedding vows!

[paulaf]

Hi Everyone

Thanks so much for all your kind words of support, it means a great deal to me. Yesterday I had kind of a break down and a break through all in the same day. I went to the doctor after suffering a night of panic attack after panic attack and being scared to wake my husband in case he was still frustrated with me. My mum decided I should stay with her and my Dad for a week of total rest. I spent the whole day in tears fearing my husband would be so angry and feel that I was turning my back on him. He came to see me and asked 'what did I do'. I explained to him that it was nothing that he had done, it was about me and that this is an illness just like diabetes or heart disease, something that has been building up. He was actually so supportive and I feel at last he understands. He wants me to come home but I feel like I should stay with my parents for a few days, although I now have the worry of leaving him alone - feel like I can't win! But when it came to the crunch, he has told me that he loves me for better and worse and will always support me. I am reading claire weekes' self help for your nerves and trying to build myself up each day, I've been signed off work for a fortnight so will benefit from the rest. Kindest wishes to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[joannap]

aww - hope this is a new start for you both xx

[onceagain]

Hi Paula

I am sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment, please don't take too much to heart what your husband said today. We know how frustrated, low and scared this condition is because we too live with it but people that have never suffered find it very difficult to fully understand that it is not excuses that to us the fear is as real as the day.

I'm sure he is already feeling upset at his outburst, but no one really thinks of the people we share our lives with, it cannot be easy for them, they love and care for us and yet they must feel it is like banging their heads against a brick wall.

I hope it all sorts itself out and do not feel bad about yourself, nor your husband, whilst it is hurtful our illness does have an almighty impact on those around us too.

Hugs x