So affraid of intemacy/affection please help.

[Desprate Dan]

I know this sounds really weird, but the thing i want more than anything in the world, is the thing i fear the most. I long to be part of something to be loved by someone and to share the love i have. But the thing that comes so natural to others, i find so difficult . I ask myself what is so wrong with me, will i die a lonely old man who never let anyone get to close for fear of getting hurt. Oh i really wish i had someone to love and cherish, but thats wont happen because it so frightening. I find it so embarrasing, i wish i was scared of spiders or heights, but how do you tell someone you are frightened to love. I feel so trapped and all alone i don't know what will become of me, please i need your advice its getting me so down, i find it so difficult to talk to anybody about this. Please help.

[suzannacorfu]

Hey Dan,
what exactly is it that scares you about it? I mean are you scared of being abandoned, being dependant? Tell me what you feel?
Suz

[supersezza]

i feel quite similar dan...i tend to get very anxious in relationships and then beat myself up about it.

it's hard...i think the best u can do is not force it really...have the sort of person you want in your mind...dont settle.

enjoy the dating side, take it slowly and just try and think a day at a time...no one knows what will happen in the long run with anyone after all...

[Desprate Dan]

Hi Suz, I really think its everything, getting hurt, comitment, I really just wont let myself become to close or attached to anyone for fear of the pain it will cause me should anything happen, i get so emotional and i am easily hurt and i dont think i could handle the pain and distress, but the only other option i see is what i do, hideaway from any form of affection till it no longer comes my way. I have avoided love, but its what i want so much, i'm so frightened i cant handle it. I would love to have a family but dont think i could cope with the responseability. I guess i dont make much sense, i dont really understand it myself, my mind is so messed up. Whats so wrong with me?

[suzannacorfu]

Of course it makes sense Dan. Empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes. So although I may not feel the fear that you have I can liken it to one of my own fears and that way I can respect yours! If that makes any sense!!
So OK, let's take a step back and have a llok at what you are saying:
I stay away from affection and love so that I won't get hurt if it goes away; if I lose it. This is like saying I am going to avoid death if I don't fly: yes you will never die in a plane crash but you will still die! So what's the worst that could happen if you fell in love? That she would leave you or somehow it would end and you would be in pain right? Well I have a newsflash Dan: YOU ARE IN PAIN. The only thing you have avoided is the GOOD, HAPPY, EXCITING parts of a relationship. It's like that Monopoly Card "Go straight to jail without passing GO and getting 200 quid!!!!
Let's say that your worst fear WILL happen: you will be happy and loved and it will end and you will feel pain. Would it not be worth it for a period of utter happiness? Happiness is NOT something that stays with us all day every day! It's moments.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you Dan! Fear has taken over and you need to get control back that's all!
Now just in case you think I am "preaching" to you please know that I am doing the same thing but MY fear is the Dentist. I can't get myself to go and I beat myself up about it every day (thing here is that at least with YOUR fear you get to enjoy something before the world falls down around your ears!!! LOL).
You will have to learn how to take baby steps with relationships.
Pain in this life is UNAVOIDABLE for ALL of us. It's how we deal with it that counts Dan. So first of all stop beating yourself up then get out there and just enjoy people's company. The rest will follow I promise!
Suz

[supersezza]

great post Suz!!

[suzannacorfu]

Thanks Supersezza!

[Wolfie]

Hey Dan,

First all of, just wanted to say, great post Suzanna.

Dan, I am scared of being hurt in a relationship, so I have my moments where I push my partner away, I sometimes get moody, I constantly fear that my partner will find someone new, etc etc etc. So I can understand to an extent hun.

I just wanted to say that, love is a risk we all take. But, if we take that risk and get some happiness and a really good life with someone, then isn't it worth that risk? If anything, you will have gained that lovely experience where you can share yourself with special someone.

Take that risk Dan and see where it takes you. Easier said than done my love, but you will get there one day Dan.

Chrissy xxxx

[Louise2009]

Hiya,

I feel very similar to you, and always have. I'm 33 now and don't seem to be getting any better regarding relationships. I make myself so unhappy in relationships, it's like a self destruct button! I also don't think I could handle the responsibility of a family! All I'm telling myself at the moment is, it's just not the right time for me, and there are things I need to sort out in my life first before I enter into a relationship. Try not to worry about it, and when you meet the right person, you won't feel so anxious about the relationship, because that person will not give you cause to worry.

xx

[Desprate Dan]

Oh Suz, You are so right and that what hurts even more because i still fear it even though i know i am in pain without love. For me there is no greater pain than to be hurt by someone you truely love, for me it would be far more painful than getting all my teeth pulled out one by one without a sedative but thats only because i dont fear the dentist. I really would love to meet a nice caring girl who understands the situation and we could help each other through the bad times. Its hard as a young man to admit that i am sensetive and fragile in the emotions department, i wish i was stronger, but i cant change who i am, its just so dificult to live life like this. Thanks for your help.

[suzannacorfu]

Dan, it's a fact of life I am afraid that if we cannot learn to live well alone then it is almost impossible to live well with someone else. By this I mean that if we fear being alone (losing someone for example) then our behaviour will ALWAYS be strained in the relationship. If we are constantly looking for bad news then we will surely find it. We end up pushing the other person away with our behaviour. We always attract better things and better people when we are confident. The pain of being left by someone is horrible but it really isn't the end of YOU as a person. Although I know that it feels like that.
"But I can't change who I am" you say. Well Dan I think we can. We can always change the parts of us that cause us pain and grief! You will always be sensitive Dan but you don't always need to be fearful. That's 2 different things. I am most definitely NOT the same person I was 2 or 5 or 10 years ago!
Suz

[Bill]

Dan:)

Picture sitting at the dock watching the big cruise liners leaving port. Now imagine thinking to yourself you wished you were on one of them but then thinking to yourself what if there was a big storm and it sunk, and you couldn't swim!:scared15:.....but YOU'RE Still sitting on the dock!:shrug:

Now picture you decide to go for swimming lessons then go out on a small boat before then trying a yacht then a speed boat...and then decide to get on the cruise liner........and it indeed sinks:scared15:........and you get on a lifeboat and you find yourself on a desert island surrounded by half-naked native girls who can't keep their hands off you because they've never met such a sensitive caring bloke as you!:yesyes:

Moral of the story...don't worry about drowning before you step into the water because things could always turn out much better than you expect, even if at first things seem bad.:winks:

Or to put another way...find yourself lots of people to get to know and don't think about anything more than making some friends because one day a beautiful rose will appear who will open her petals up never to let you go because from your friendship they will have discovered what a Special fella you are so they will have All the time and patience in the world because they just won't want to let you go......at which point just lay back, let her have whatever she desires and most importantly, forget the past and future, and just enjoy the present because with a girl like that, every future day will be just as enjoyable....and yes, I'll envy you!:winks:

[Desprate Dan]

Dan:)

Picture sitting at the dock watching the big cruise liners leaving port. Now imagine thinking to yourself you wished you were on one of them but then thinking to yourself what if there was a big storm and it sunk, and you couldn't swim!:scared15:.....but YOU'RE Still sitting on the dock!:shrug:

Now picture you decide to go for swimming lessons then go out on a small boat before then trying a yacht then a speed boat...and then decide to get on the cruise liner........and it indeed sinks:scared15:........and you get on a lifeboat and you find yourself on a desert island surrounded by half-naked native girls who can't keep their hands off you because they've never met such a sensitive caring bloke as you!:yesyes:

Moral of the story...don't worry about drowning before you step into the water because things could always turn out much better than you expect, even if at first things seem bad.:winks:

Or to put another way...find yourself lots of people to get to know and don't think about anything more than making some friends because one day a beautiful rose will appear who will open her petals up never to let you go because from your friendship they will have discovered what a Special fella you are so they will have All the time and patience in the world because they just won't want to let you go......at which point just lay back, let her have whatever she desires and most importantly, forget the past and future, and just enjoy the present because with a girl like that, every future day will be just as enjoyable....and yes, I'll envy you!:winks:

Bill you have such a great way of putting things..:) I like the idea of being on a desert island surround by half naked native girls..:blush::blush: Thanks everyone... Now were do i find such a lovelly girl????

[suzannacorfu]

Bill - great post! Is there a next-door island full of Johnny Depp look alikes maybe???? I'll just SWIM there mate!! I was trying to see how your great analogy could be pertinent to my fear of the dentist...the image that came to me was (to say the least) amusing. Gorgeous, oiled toy-boys massaging my feet and hands while I am having root canal work...Nah, Bill it just doesn't do it for me!!!! LOL. Seriously great post!
Dan - where do you find her? Just go out and start making friends with men and women, get a circle of people and through that someone out there is waiting for someone like you!
Suz

[supersezza]

lovely post Bill!! definitely the thing is not to force it...i think we all know deep down the kinda people who float our boats (sticking with the ship analogy!) take it slow Dan...the longest loves burn the slowest!

[Bill]

I was trying to see how your great analogy could be pertinent to my fear of the dentist...the image that came to me was (to say the least) amusing. Gorgeous, oiled toy-boys massaging my feet and hands while I am having root canal work

Well, there is something simple that helps me. I close my eyes. I found by closing my eyes and imagining nice thoughts along a simliar track helps me forget where I am. I normally think of laying on a beach under a blue sky and hot sun, feeling the breeze on my face as I listen to the gentle waves breaking on the shore. Of course my mind also then wanders to bikini clad women around me, espcially when I hear the dental nurse speak or sense her close to me!:blush: Anyway, by this time I'm normally feeling so relaxed I'm beginning to close my mouth and nearly dropping off at which point the dentist has to stir me to remember where I am!

I actually used to be terrified of dentists and wouldn't see one until one day I lost half a tooth and Had to visit one. I took the opportunity to confront my fear and told him I didn't want an injection while he drilled 3 screws into my gum to support half a tooth he had made for me. I wouldn't suggest Anyone doing that but it certainly made every treatment since feel like nothing compared.

Anyway Dan, the best forms of relationships are based on close friendship rather than purely appearance so if you allow yourself to get out there to meet some lovely girls, they'll be running to You because they'll soon discover what a kind caring bloke you are...and that's what counts most because a good personality will last a lifetime making someone always look attractive. A book should never be judged by its cover. Always allow those you wish in your life to read your pages because then they'll never want to close the book they've found. You just need to display yourself on the right shelves so they can find you rather than keeping yourself hidden in the archives. Oh to be single again! (sigh).:winks:

[suzannacorfu]

Bill - ummmmmmm no thanks!!!!!!!!!!!! I will have the injections thank you very much!!!
Suz