feeling lost and desperate

[german bean]

i dont know if im doing this right as im not much of a compter wiz.
im new to all this but thought if i put my last two years into writing it might help. im 44 have two lovely tolerant kids, my husband suddenly walked out 2 years ago one tuesday night to stay at his mums and never came back (after 22 years of marriage) i was devastated i can only say it felt like a death but he was still walking around. cut avery long story short ended up on citalopram. got myself together so i thought after just of a year and met a lovely man had a wonderful first 4 months now off tablets life was good. he turned out to have bipolar and i thought i could help him and deal with his weird and wonderful ways who was i kidding i was still weak and vunerable myself. here i am a year into that relationship (well it ended last week) im back on the tablets and cant ever remember feeling happy and good of cause i know i did but at the moment i cant see any light at the end of this very dark tunnel. hope i havent bored u all. it feels better just getting it off my chest.

[nomorepanic]

Hi german bean

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[georgina20]

Hiya you poor thing how old are you kids , do you ever see your husband ?

[german bean]

my kids are 14 and 19 and yes i do see him. he wanted to come back and try again acouple of months ago and like a fool i considered it with rose coloured glasses (as it is really difficult to stop loving someone when you ave spent 26 years with them and they are crying and pleading with you to take them back.) he then changed his mind and said he didnt think he felt how he should about me. i feel truly used and mentally abused at the moment sorry if that sounds dramatic.

[georgina20]

hi how could he mess with your feelings like that did ever tell you why he just walked out?

[Marginalia]

German bean (! why did you choose that name? I imagine you having a very quirky sense of humour),

first, it sounds like you have been very unlucky in your relationships in one sense - the first time in finding someone who after all that time was not able to share his feelings and tell you what was going on with him before he left, and the second time in finding someone with unresolved mental health problems severe enough to take a huge emotional toll on you.

On the positive side, your first relationship lasted 26 years which is a great success, and you have two children from it. You may not realise it but you have obviously had to work hard and learnt a lot of skills which many people don't have, to sustain a long-term relationship. Your second relationship appears to me to show a healthy balance between an ability to work hard and not to give up immediately when a partner you love has problems: you have spent a long time trying to adapt to his needs. But you have also realised when it is just too much for you to handle (and I bet a lot of people would have given up long before you), which shows a self-respect which is also necessary to have a good equal working non-stressful relationship.

I'd say you have a very high probability of being able to make a great and lasting relationship if/when you find the right match for you. (And I am optimistic this is possible. I used to think I must just be rubbish at relationships until I met the right person for me, and now it's practically effortless).

In the mean time, you have clearly (and naturally) been deeply hurt and conflicted by the first fellow, and emotionally battered by your experiences with the second. I'd say you need to look into finding ways to cosset yourself, surround yourself with people who love and accept you without giving you drama [maybe some friends and family, or look for a class you can do where you get to know people in a low-pressure situation], and find yourself again and the stable core of you and make sure you spend plenty of time doing the things which make you happiest. (N.B. take from my words anything which applies to you, for I am mainly saying this from my own experience, and it may not apply to you. I did a college course in basic counselling skills and this was excellent for my self-development and self-understanding as well as giving me more confidence to deal with difficult relationships)

Hang in there - anyone in your situation would be feeling pretty fragile, so it's not surprising you're feeling so low and depressed, and it can be hard work to persuade yourself you really are worth indulging. You may be feeling devalued and have taken that into yourself, affecting your self-esteem. But you really are worth caring for, and you have so many strengths, and I'm sure those who know you could tell you all sorts of wonderful things about yourself. (I think I'm rambling a bit here but I wanted to respond to your feeling about light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is light for you, but I also know how hard it is to believe that when you are depressed. Have you talked to a doctor about possible options for giving you some support while you recover - e.g. go to counselling (as you say, loss and bereavement have quite a lot in common), or are you going to wait and see if the tablets do it, or perhaps you do feel you will get there by yourself eventually?).

Min

P.S. Just wanted to add (I was wandering around my kitchen thinking of you - I'm 43 but childless and have been single most of my life - never-married), that it must also be difficult having to adjust to not having a (stable) partner, after so many years of marriage. So many of your daily habits and ways of thinking (e.g. decisions on buying things) are different now, as well as you being alone when you were used to having company (in bed, at meals etc.) - it's no wonder it takes some time to adjust and to come to be comfortable with a more solitary life (which has advantages as well as disadvantages) - though you do have your children around still by the sounds of it. Is this adjustment to singlehood something you are finding difficult? How many separated/single/divorced people do you know? (You don't need to answer here, just things to think about)

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi german bean , just wanted to welcome you to NMP :welcome: Paige x

[german bean]

not long been up having abit of a bad day, sad when u r 44 and your mum as to come round to help you out. turned on the laptop and pleasently surprised to have wonderful replies to my waffle i wrote last night. firstly German Bean a silly nick name my sister gave me when i was a kid dont know why. i have got a good sense of humour even in these dark days. the answer to the question did my husband give an explanation to him leaving yes he said he felt empty he still loves me but he doesnt think he loves in the way he should. two years on he still feels empty and has had numerous relationships and still wants to cry to me when he has a problem. i know i am an extremely lucky person i have a wonderful support network around me my family kids beat friends that i have had since i was 11, not everyone has that. in some ways i feel bad to say i am feeling lost and lonely but i do think you can have lots of people around you and still have those feelings. i have just contacted the councillor i was seeing when all this happened 2 years ago and im going back to see her. i dont know if it helps because i find it easy to talk anyway so its not as if i am holding things in. I can talk for England. im not sure if Citalopram is right for me as i find my anxiety is only really related to the relationship thing im ok with other things and if thats right im right so i dont know if the tablets are playing apart or not they don't seem to be. im going to go now my mums made me some toast and a cup of teas bless her not that i have any appetite. this is the only time in my life i loose weight lol!

[georgina20]

hi how long you been back on the cits ? your hubby got in habbit of when he upsets your there for him ,but thats ok !!!!!!!!! your a shoulder to cry on ! AHHH if you can put a stop to that ! You sound like me you dont like to upset anyone especially when there upset! but forgive me if im out of order.he seems to have the best of both worlds . Make your mind up and stick to it . a new begining with new rules ! im no longer on cits messed my head worse . what mg you on .

[german bean]

hi u got it in one im soft and care about peoples feelings even though they don't always care about mine. you're right new rules!! i was on 20 doctor put me up 2 30. the way i feel at the moment dont know if cit is any good for me. i've felt tired anxious all day. really don't know at the moment if i should be listening to my body that says don't do anything just lay on the sofa or kick myself up the backside and force my self up. i had a shower and thats was all i could manage.

[georgina20]

hiya cits i think making you feel like that i no they take a bit of time to work i went on 40mg felt like a zombie i would tryin stay on 20mg side effects dropping down not good take 25mg for a least a week then drop to 20 see how you feel . sometimes you can get stressed n think is this cause i feel low or is it the cits that are doing it to me visous circle .new rules good you not a push over even when you feel like crap the support on this thread is good i think people have more respect if you dont allow them to walk all over you .got be a cut off point where you good nature looks at the situation hope this make sense