Fear of forgetting who I am/identity/amnesia

[johansaken]

I come to you for help in another matter aswell guys. Besides my neck muscles being very tight causing f'd up symptoms that are scary (these have been addressed in a different thread) I'm experiencing something new.
I've been going through a really rough period. First of all, is it possible to have panicanxiety/high anxiety contantly for a period of time? Also, anyone else get fears, thoughts like: "What if I forget who I am? What if I lose myself? Who am I? What if I start forgetting things?"
And that first line is horrible. All of them are. And like always with my panicanxiety its worse at night. Fear of amnesia, fear of losing myself sends me into panicattacks. Would like to hear what you think of all this. You guys have helped me so much through out my time here. And for that Im grateful. I once again turn to you for help.
I understand that my stress/anxiety levels are real high. I know this cause I got racing thoughts, cant focus and all that.

Its really horrible. Because I had that (still have) the fear of losing control, like you gonna do something horrible (even if you know that you never would) along with the stuff above. The thing is I havent experienced the "new" fears before. Any feedback and help is appreciated. This is breaking me apart. :weep::unsure:

[johansaken]

Anyone? This may fall into the category of Depersonalization or such. Any answers would help. thanks in advance.

[jude uk]

I would say that there is no possibility of losing who you are. We do to a degree lose the old self because we are no longer doing the same things we did before we had anxiety. We may no longer be as out-going and we will have different fears that stop us doing what we once done.
Some do have a fear that they will lose control but I have yet to see that happen. Yes we can have very high anxiety and our thoughts then escalate but that is normal within anxiety.

I would suggest reading the info on panic anxiety that the NMP team have put together.
You may also benefit from CBT, so see your doctor and get some advice

[johansaken]

I will get DBT this fall (since I also got Borderline). If I have to guess Im in some sort of inner crisis. Ive been struggling with mental illness since I was 5 (panicanxiety started at that age). And Im hoping and guessing that Im becoming something else then I was. Evolving as a person. Problem is that who are you if you take away all the pain, anxiety, suffering and fear. When you lived with it so long that you identify yourself through all that pain. Who are you when you take away all that. That you lived with all your live. My therapist in DBT asked me that question and I said. "I dont know".

Any thoughts on this? Could this be a possible reason for these feelings?
I got Sobril/Oxascand (benzodiazepine) medication since I had constant panicanxiety for 1 and a half weeks. When talking to my therapist he said that its possible that change is this painful for me. When I will have to find myself without the weakness Ive had. And this causes me to be confused. But I really needed the medicine. If I didnt have it I dont know what I would have done. Total breakdown I guess. But now Im like "weeeeeeeeeeeeeee". no anxiety, no fear, no nothing atm. These pills take it all away.

All feedback in this thread is very much appreciated. Thanks in advance :)

[johansaken]

Found the answer to whats going on. Its horrible and amazing at the same time but this is the day I've been waiting for all my life. I have never been this close to being free (and I been buried all my life).
So here it is, yes its long. But read it to understand. Maybe this will help others that feel like this.

Often lay terms convey deep truth and more insight than official medical terms.

"Nervous breakdown" is one such lay term. Definately not an official medical diagnosis, however, I like the term because 'nervous breakdown' has deep meaning to lay people. I believe that lay words of crystalize deep intuitiions. Lets explore 'nervous breakdown.'

It has been said that a nervous breakdown means an acute emotional or psychological collapse, but I would say that it may only be the feeling of being near to such a time.

I believe that we need to go through periods when it feels like we are in an emotional collapse because life demands that we grow out of old identity patterns. In these time of identity transition we will, of necessity, feel identity confusion.

In emotional growth we must shed the old patterns before building the new ones. And just as there is a time for the snake to shed its skin; there are times for identity transformation.

While medical doctors whine that "nerves don't breakdown," I know this: often a 'nervous breakdown' is a significant life crisis, a transition time, an opportunity to leave behind the old and discover the new or, if not new, perhaps, the real core identity - the real more natural you.

This is a time when a dysfunctional personality pattern is breaking down, and it is also a time for a new healthier personality pattern to emerge.

Does "a positive disintagration / nervous breakdown" come on suddenly? No, not necessarily, it may come in a series of crisis over several years.

You may be in a process of getting in touch with your inner child over several years.

You may have a sense of confusion and crisis that has lasted several months.

What is happening? Think of it as a family role that became a personality pattern that is becoming less and less satisfying.

As the process of death of the old identity gains momentum the sense of depression, confusion and anxiety deepens.

This identity crisis is disturbing, disorienting and frightening because you feel out of control. Well it isn't easy to die, but the old is dying - an old personality pattern is being passing.

A personality pattern breaks down is because it has outlived its dysfunctional purpose. There is too much cost and pain in maintaining it.
There is too little benefit in maintaining the old pattern. It is time to move on.

Nervous breakdowns can be positive. While the old pattern is disintegrating a new pattern is waiting to be born. A new and better you may emerge. This is what I mean by 'Positive Disintegration.'

One ot the best descriptions of a nervous breakdown, from a medical perspective, is written by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc. However, she, and the medical profession, fail to understand is that not all disintegration is negative.

"Positive disintegration" is the breakdown of a dysfunctional pattern so that a healthier pattern or personality can emerge.

She says that a nervous breakdown includes some sort of disintegration of personality – usually temporary. It's as if the "circuits are overloaded." She describes breakdowns involving: inability to function, depression, loss of contact with reality bi-polar (manic) episodes, anxiety disorder, and / or panic attacks.

I have a problem with this definition that gets us entangled in more medical diagnostic categories and adds no real understanding or hope. The 'nervous breakdown,' in my experience, is almost always a potential opportunity to leave the old patterns behind and move on to higher integration. What helps is to talk to a therapist who understands this process.

At some time in your life or mine, we will likely experience life crisis.
We find that there comes a time when we cannot carry on. We cannot pretend anymore.
We cannot hold things together. We cannot go on in the same pattern of life. The burden of life has become too much. Our life comes apart.

When this happens we feel we are cracking up. We feel like we are having a nervous breakdown. We are uncertain about our identity. Our central beliefs are shaken. We question all that we have striven to do.

Our inner motor runs down: whatever has driven us this far does not hold the same interest; the work we did gladly does not to bring us the same reward; the way we have always related to people does not work for us.

We loose are ability or desire to hide what we are feeling. Our hardness, our coldness, our reserve, our emotional control is gone - broken.

We find ourselves more in touch with our emotions. We cry easily. We are easily touched. Our heart is on the surface.

Times like this need to be expected. Consider them normal. It is a normal life crisis.