Having a bad time

[daydreamer]

Hi everyone, (sorry for the long post!)

Im desperate for some support if you dont mind...

I havent posted for a while because everything was seemingly going OK. Ive been doing CBT for a few months and its been going well but this week has been the week from hell!

I've been told to keep pushing myself to do things, been going out a lot more and trying to get back to some sort of normality but I had a panic attack this week, you know one of the ones where you really are convinced your going to die! anyway since then Ive been really depressed. I keep wondering whats the point of all of this if Im not feeling any better after all this effort. I know its going to get worse before it gets better but surely not worse than I felt when this all started, which is how Im feeling now.

My therapist says its going to be bad like this for a while untill I realise that I can cope with it and its not going to hurt me. Well I know its not going to kill me, Ive had all the tests and Im fine, but its making me feel bad. Its just kinda hit me that I really am ill, I feel mentally exhausted. Ive never really considered anxiety a mental illness, or admitted that to myself before. Im my eyes that equals failure.

I tried going out of the house today to the shops and to see a friend and I made it a few hundred yards away before I had to turn back. Letting people down yet again, thats something that Im good at! It wasnt the physical symptoms that got me this time, it was the mental feeling of terror and depression. Everywhere suddenly went all gloomy/black and I really thought, not that I was going to die, but that I was going to have a breakdown and just lose it, go mad!

Im now stuck thinking - should I increase my meds to help me feel better in the short term because I HATE feeling like this, kinda feel like theres just no spark left, cant get happy at all, almost a bit like depression I suppose? but on the other hand I know taking more meds will also make me feel worse before or even if they make me feel better at all.

I also know that the more therapy I have the better I will feel and anxiety can be overcome by therapy alone, but thats also going to take a long time. My feelings now are like Im sinking in quicksand and I just need someone/something to life me out before I drown... sounds very dramatic I know but thats a little bit how Im feeling.

I dont have anyone that understands at all how I feel. I think they think Im feeling sorry for myself and thats why I feel like this. I dont know if they can handle much more of me being like this too, not just me, I would also feel like a complete cow for putting them through it all again. Ive been like this since jan now and I still cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Im ranting now.... but I just needed to let it all out and hope that someone has some reassuring words or advice....:weep:

[german bean]

i completely understand what you are saying i know the desperate scared feelings you are discribing. i too thought people had had enough of me being like this but people love you even if they dont truly understand how you are feeling because no one does unless they have suffered themselves. you sounfd like you have been doing really great with your therapy. dont give up on yourself i think you are probably so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit four. you will get through this you wont feel like this for ever i know that doesnt help you at this moment but i truly know you will. take care.xx

[jotom]

I recognise exactly what you are sgoing through. Just wanted to let you know that I was in exactly the same place as you a couple of years ago - mine were more physical symptoms, constant panic attacks or feeling like I was on the edge of 1 24/7. I too had CBT and it took a while for me to notice very subtle but definite improvements in my general health. After a couple of months, it was obvious that things were improving and that has continued over the last 2 years - it really did help. I still have 'off' days from time to time but am so much better - I still read a lot of the literature I was given during my therapy just to remind me and it helps. Things will improve, I know it may feel at the moment 'what's the point' but keep going, you are strong and obviously very aware of what is happening to you - it will get better, just believe in that. ;-)

[Geoff2301]

just think of it as a little "blip"...... overall, you're making good progress. Give your friend a ring, get her to meet you round your house tomorrow and go out together to the shops.... a bit of moral support from your friend will I'm sure, help.

[daydreamer]

Thanks for your replies and support, it means a lot!

I did see my friend and it helped a bit but then when I am alone I go back to thinking what a failure I am and I get all depressed!

Im still wondering whether to up my meds or try and get through it without taking more, at the moment I dont know if I feel strong enough but I also know that taking more meds will stress me out too! Ahhh Im stuck feeling like this..... what to do!

[Geoff2301]

If you're like me, I feel I've failed a bit if I have to up the meds which is probably not the right way to look at things!! I also find its very easy to blow the "blip" out of all proportion and forget about the many weeks of "good" and few days of "bad" and swap them round if you see what I mean!! Try not to dwell on the bad day....... though I'm a fine one to talk!!...... my missus has to keep reminding me of this when I'm having a dodgy spell and my oldest son says "........you know you always get better!

[daydreamer]

yes maybe I have been blowing it out of proportion really, its just because I HATE feeling as low as this. Im sure it will pass. I do need to think of all the good things and focus on my progress rather than the blips. Thanks for the advice, gratefully recieved! x