Andromeda
26-07-10, 06:48
My uncles sudden death at a relatively young age is what started all this for me , i had never really given much thought to death as my strict catholic upbringing would always reassure me , i'd never had a reason to question God or heaven , that was where i'd go when i died.
Death always seems so far off , before i developed my anxiety if the thought of death came into my head , i would acknowledge it for a split second then brush it off because it was not something i could see myself having to deal with in the near future.
His sudden death has triggered this intense fear in me about sudden death and illness because;
1. none of us know whats going to happen tomorrow , yes i might be young but that doesn't mean i couldn't drop down dead at any moment / slip into a coma / develop cancer etc
2. if you think about it , all you ever really have is the moment you're in because you can't get back past moments , and you can't get future moments . you're stuck with the present moment so regardless of whether it's a long way away or not , there will be a day that i wake up which will be the last day of my life . Time is so quick that that day might come sooner than i think !
3. The likelihood of me actually getting seriously ill at some point during my life is very very high , what am i going to do when that day comes and it's not anxiety ?
Now i know people will say 'well you need to live everyday as if it's your last , you need to live life , none of us know whats going to happen'
etc
i KNOW those are the thoughts i SHOULD be thinking , but the fear of death and illness absolutely cripples me to the point where i don't want to move , i just want to stay in bed crying!
every twinge , every ache , every sense i get in my body sends me into anxiety mode and i'm constantly looking for assurance from those around me which makes it almost impossible for me to be independent! I'm going to be 21 in less than a week and my ambitions were so great but i haven't been able to do anything i want to do out of fear .
Part of me doesn't want to 'fly the nest' because i know in my heart that one day i will loose everyone i love , so i want to grab onto them while i still have them - i know this is wrong as everyone needs to branch out to live their own life but i just don't feel strong enough in myself to let go .
everyday i wake up , at least once , i think i'm going to die . even writing 'die' or 'death' triggers a pain inside me , a feeling of unreality and 'what is all this'
i can't help but feel my life is meaningless , what is the point in anything if we all just have to die at the end of it and loose everything we've worked hard for and all the people we have loved , if all those memories were to just become non-existent.
Why do we have to get sick? why do we even have death?
I just don't understand anymore and the counseling isn't doing anything for me whatsoever. :weep:
Death always seems so far off , before i developed my anxiety if the thought of death came into my head , i would acknowledge it for a split second then brush it off because it was not something i could see myself having to deal with in the near future.
His sudden death has triggered this intense fear in me about sudden death and illness because;
1. none of us know whats going to happen tomorrow , yes i might be young but that doesn't mean i couldn't drop down dead at any moment / slip into a coma / develop cancer etc
2. if you think about it , all you ever really have is the moment you're in because you can't get back past moments , and you can't get future moments . you're stuck with the present moment so regardless of whether it's a long way away or not , there will be a day that i wake up which will be the last day of my life . Time is so quick that that day might come sooner than i think !
3. The likelihood of me actually getting seriously ill at some point during my life is very very high , what am i going to do when that day comes and it's not anxiety ?
Now i know people will say 'well you need to live everyday as if it's your last , you need to live life , none of us know whats going to happen'
etc
i KNOW those are the thoughts i SHOULD be thinking , but the fear of death and illness absolutely cripples me to the point where i don't want to move , i just want to stay in bed crying!
every twinge , every ache , every sense i get in my body sends me into anxiety mode and i'm constantly looking for assurance from those around me which makes it almost impossible for me to be independent! I'm going to be 21 in less than a week and my ambitions were so great but i haven't been able to do anything i want to do out of fear .
Part of me doesn't want to 'fly the nest' because i know in my heart that one day i will loose everyone i love , so i want to grab onto them while i still have them - i know this is wrong as everyone needs to branch out to live their own life but i just don't feel strong enough in myself to let go .
everyday i wake up , at least once , i think i'm going to die . even writing 'die' or 'death' triggers a pain inside me , a feeling of unreality and 'what is all this'
i can't help but feel my life is meaningless , what is the point in anything if we all just have to die at the end of it and loose everything we've worked hard for and all the people we have loved , if all those memories were to just become non-existent.
Why do we have to get sick? why do we even have death?
I just don't understand anymore and the counseling isn't doing anything for me whatsoever. :weep: