How to cope with desperate feelings and what are they?

[linworth]

HI

well i have posted on here quite a bit, increased setraline 50mg to 100mg three weeks ago, due reoccurance of Anxiety, well since the increase i have been to hell and back (can i just state, everyone is different on anti ds, this is just my personnal experience and doesnt mean it will effect anyone else, i am very sensitive to anti d ) i went from yes feeling down, and tearful and anxious but fighting through it some days better than others to thinking iam going mad, absolutely convinced even went to emergency docs expecting to be section, (he didnt by the way just sent me off with beta blockers and told me to reduce dose back to 50 mg and get some counselling) i was sooooo very very frightened, to the point i felt suicidal ( i would never ever leave my babies) waking up with black depression that i have never experience before which then sent me into panic which would last for hours, had to have someone with every min of the day, because could even bear myself. Well i reduced back down on saturday night, only got throught the weekend with diazapam. Today i went to doc she said to carry on this week with the 50mg sertraline, have two days free, then start on 10mg cit whichi have never been on. She also confirmed it was my reaction to sertraline increase and not me! thanks god. Now i am a lot calmer today from yesterday for which i am enternally grateful for. But the rawness of what i have been through is still with me, it brings tears to my eyes. I have everything to live for my life isnt bad, why do i have depressing feelings? i am struggling throughout the day with these desperate feelings, you know where u can physically feel them , how do people cope with these? i dont want them to get to the point they were at the weekend, also will the terror of what happend ever leave me, i am as the stage where i cannot bear myself, and want to run away from myself (never had thse feelings before either so they scare me as well) i dont feel comfortable with myself, the thought of myself sends shivers of panic, is this because what i have been through. I just want me back, can i just add i was on 50mg sertraline for 5 years and it was very good and i had no problems, as i dont want to put people off
take care lynne x

[onceagain]

Hi Lynne

I am so sorry you have had to go through so much, what you describe is my anxiety I have never had less than that when it hits so I cannot make any comment other than to say listen to the doctor.. if the doctor feels it is only the medication side effects doing this to you then listen to what has been said and though you must be very scared they are very frightening and scary when you have come through them.. it was a one off... if you are still feeling low then I really think that you need to tell the doctor that it is not acceptable to tell you to go and get counselling but they should be referring you to a counsellor...

In the meantime write feelings down throughout day when you remember cos life does not let us do this as a ritual unfortunately... you maybe able to see if there are times that you feel worse and if so then make sure that on future days you plan something around that time that you love doing.. keep you mind busy with other stuff it is very hard but really try... I wish you all the very best and hang in there girlie x

[linworth]

Thanks for your reply Sharon, i will listen to the doctor, because those feelings are just not me at all, i have everything i ever wanted (and i dont mean materalistic) children, husband, amazing family and friends, and before all this i used i to think of dying and leaving it all behind, this is what is frightening me, and why i feel out of control of myself, because these are not my normal thoughts! not had them today i would just have them when in the middle of huge anxiety attack, because the attack was so unbearable, then when the attack passed i would think what the hell was all that about, which is why i thought i was going mad ! I will get there I know i will, just hope its not a long road.

take care lynne x

[onceagain]

Hi Lynne

You will get there and you know it because you DO have so much going for you... stay in there girlie... it was an awful experience and I'm hardly surprised that you are so shook up by it but you are not going mad.

Try not to dwell on that fear of going back there, be strong and positive which you really do sound under it all and you will get back on track... thinking of you x

[Bill]

i have everything i ever wanted (and i dont mean materalistic) children, husband, amazing family and friends, and before all this i used i to think of dying and leaving it all behind, this is what is frightening me, and why i feel out of control of myself,

An attack brings with it fear which then focuses on our worst fear - the fear of losing everything we hold most dear. This then makes us even more anxious keeping the attack alive.

i dont want them to get to the point they were at the weekend,

Weekends are the times when we're out of routine giving us the most time to think, so we start thinking about all our worries.

i am a lot calmer today from yesterday for which i am enternally grateful for.

Would reducing or increasing meds have such an immediate effect? No. Today's Monday meaning back to routine and less time to think.

So to sum up...

It was the weekend which allows plenty of time to think.
She also confirmed it was my reaction to sertraline increase and not me!
Your meds were increased which over a period of time caused stresses to build up which then came to a head at the weekend when you had a chance to think about how you were feeling due to the increase in meds.
An anxiety attack resulted which frightened you.
You then became afraid of dying created by your fear of losing all you held dear which re-inforced your fears keeping the attack alive.
Then you were left feeling depressed because of all you had been through and also when the attack passed i would think what the hell was all that about,
Now the meds have been reduced again, it shouldn't happen again.
Except that weekends are a vulnerable time if we allow ourselves too much time to think too much about worrying about fears.:hugs: