Family & relationship problems.

[Michael03]

Hey all

I used to be a member here back in the day, lost my account info. Ive had anxiety for about 8 years. Kicked it once, but a year later it came back stronger and took a good hold. I feel very awkward in social places and going out on my own. I lost friends, stayed indoors, had bouts of depression etc.

Well I hooked up with literally the girl of my dreams just over a year ago. Anxiety really played a bit part in a long stretch at the start of the relationship. It was rocky to say the least. Seeing her I would feel rushed, physically I was locked up pretty tight for a while, I couldnt bare the arguments this caused and would storm off home at those times. I wasnt easy to be around, or be with I guess. I felt really bad on 2 levels. I never wanted the anxiety to cause problems for the two of us, in the end I felt like I was battling my anxiety and her. It was very tough.

So we had problems for a while. Things were rocky, but in the end things did die down quite a lot and we were very happy. Both of us were affected by the bad things at the start of out relationship tho. But things were so good a few months back, I was contemplating putting a success story on the site. We were going on days out together, even packed places, it didnt matter so much anymore. I could have gotten up to something every day!

One thing I have yet to do, meet her dad. I feel bad about that, I chickened out a few times and it fueled the fire that there was actually something to be wary of. I know its all nonsense but it provoked a serious fight or flight reaction from me on a few occasions. How lame.

Well, so things were real good. Then all of a sudden a few months ago, I became very stressed. My family found out that my younger sister had stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. Her doctor had mis-diagnosed her for 8 straight months with depression and self harming (scratching) Things became so stressed at home. I had to do so many things I hated. Shaving my sisters head when she was losing her hair. Taking her to find a wig. Seeing her cry. Everyone at home was leaning on me for support and I had to play the strong one.

I took some advice to just get on with things, and I tried. But I was so busy now. i had to continue working. Now taking my sister to hospital 2-3 times a week. I never really stopped to accept what was going on with my sister, I just tried to get on with things. I dont think that was a good idea looking back. I became very stressed, outwardly - I was feeling down. My girlfriend tried to cheer me up, when it didnt work it caused a lot of problems between us. She tried to dig dirt up on me online and falsely accused me on some things. Thought I was lying about going to work and thought I was avoiding her. If I was quiet I got asked is it this, that, x,y or z. I felt so much pressure that my anxiety was starting to come back on.

I started smoking again temporarily. Id quit for about a year. I have quit again now, but that speaks volumes that things were getting to me. I started to become very stressed at work. In the end my girlfriend was having a go at me to get some time off so I could relax. I finally did and I decided that I would spend it at home, and now she wants to finish things with me because of that. It is like she cannot realize the pressure I am under, having anxiety problems, this going on with my sister and also having pressure with her.

It is all to much.

Is it really possible to be in a relationship with somebody if you have anxiety problems? I wanted to turn to my girlfriend for support, but when she saw my change of mood, when I started feeling down - she just started problems with me. It made me cautious of using her for support.

I get such conflicting advice from her. She tells me I am doing really well, I am coping amazingly well. Then she will have a go at me because I have not had time off to relax. Then she'll accuse me of being selfish saying it is all about my sister, not me. And then she'll say the world does not revolve around my sister. She tells me I am wallowing. When infact, it is her giving me extra problems that has accounted for maybe even half of my stress. I just wanted somebody I could turn to :(

I dont know what to make of the advice I get from her. I know she is frustrated because I have been feeling down, but I have not been taking it out on her. I might be draining to be around at the moment, but if she loved me, surely she would hold out and support me. The worst I have done is talk to her about how I am feeling, and Ive been a little quiet on the odd occasion.

The stress of everything has got to me tho. I feel tired all of the time. Anxious at work now, anxious at home. My brain wont turn off. Im hoping this week at home will help me to recoup some.

Advice please. How do you find being in a relationship having anxiety problems? I dont want mine to ruin my relationship, I just want her to understand. And she should, because she has had problems in the past herself.. I dont know.

Thanks for reading.

[onceagain]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough for you, your family and your partner.

I am sorry to sound a little harsh but I hear alot about your needs and that your partner is also considering your needs and being supportive but I dont hear much of we in use with regards to your relationship.

You have so much on your hands at the moment and you are desperately juggling but I think that when your girlfriend said about a rest that she is right in the sense that it is to give you some time, things are getting stressful, well sounds like she is also taking those stresses on board. You may love her and your family but things do need a balance.

Will you actually get rest if you go to the family home? or is it as she fears that you will just spend more time doing things and not actually finding time to switch off and what of her? maybe she needs some time to mend the stresses in your relationship too????

Honestly no one can truly answer as like always people only get to hear one side of the story and a story can be very different in the eye of each holder... but here goes ... we would not tell you to end a relationship we can only give support and hope that things work out for you....

I think your partner is concerned for you and also concerned that your relationship is in a little bit of a twist.. don't be too harsh, she has supported you and yes she is human she will have her concerns and because it is your sister, those concerns, grumbles whatever you wish to call them will come across to you as very personal and picky...but try and just step back for a little bit and see if there is a solution whereby you can have a bit of rest to maybe give some of your break enjoying time with your sister and also some enjoyable time with your partner... but most importantly taking the holiday leave for what it is ... a break for yourself too ...find time to do something that is not putting any stresses on you and that you enjoy doing... it is okay to find a little time for yourself and in the long run you will feel better for it.

I wish you all the best and really hope that everything works out for you x

[Thumbelina]

Michael,

I feel very much for you. I am really sorry about your little sister, but I wish her to get fully recovered with the help of brilliant family around.

I can say for myself that with anxiety experiences in the past it only takes so much to become overwhelmed again at times and then it starts to spinning and taking all around in, your work, relationship and that makes me depressed.

I would believe that your girlfriend is a lovely person because you chose her, but doent know what exactly you feel and because of that she doesnt know what she can do to help you and that makes her angry.

My husband is the same, he is a quick fixer and this is not the way it work with panic, anxiety and the sideeffects.

I try not to give him too much details on the bad patches i am going through, i just let him know at the end of them.

I hope it works out with her eventually, there are so many people that manage their relationship along with anxiety and other problems, it is possible.

M.

[onceagain]

Thumberlina is right x