View Full Version : Tricky's ongoing battles with anxiety and depression!
I've been running a thread in the citalopram part of the forum, which began as a blow by blow account of my experiences starting on the antidepressant. Well, now it's day 75 in the citalopram house and that thread has started to turn into a bit of a personal diary, so I thought I should move my offerings to a new thread.
26th July
Today I woke up feeling ill, not with the medication or anxiety/depression. This was 'proper' ill with an upset stomach. I had voluntary stuff lined up in the afternoon and was determined to go so I dragged myself out of bed at noon and went. the voluntary work I am doing involves handing out leaflets to the public and giving them advice on health issues. Having a bit of social phobia, this is my absolute worst nightmare (which is why I am doing it, to try to beat my demons). Unfortunately I did not feel up to it today. Luckily it was quiet at the place we went to so I didn't have to do anything, but felt that I couldn't have done it anyway. I was very quiet and withdrawn. I felt bad because the guy I was working with just thought I was bored and not enjoying it, but it was because I felt so shy and anxious. Feeling a bit ill didn't help matters. I still felt a bit ropey when I got home and went to sleep for a full 12 hours :scared15:
27th July
Felt much better today. I received my lovely blue 'no more panic' wrist band in the post and admired the JFDI inscription. If anyone is familiar with Amazon's infamous 'Three wolf moon' T-shirt then I have no doubt that the no more panic just f****** do it wrist band can equal, if not surpass it's magical powers!
I'm currently battling depression and anxiety caused by firstly having to move to a different city alone to do a stressful new job I turned out to hate whilst struggling with homesickness and the stress of moving. I had to resign because I was so ill. I moved back home but I'm now unemployed for the first time in my life which has brought on another episode of panic and depression.
I've been trying to help myself by doing some voluntary work and joining social groups (as my social life has all but diminished too over the last few years), but I have not being doing very well. The citalopram has helped but I am finding that the sudden isolation, lack of routine and uncertain future has knocked me for six. I haven't applied for many jobs but I am reacting very badly when I am rejected...it's not something I have ever had to really face before...I've always been lucky enough to fall into jobs fairly easily but now the rejections are coming thick and fast.
Consequently I am now at a point where I am too scared to even apply for jobs. My heart races when I look at job web sites and the thought of ringing a company or person about a job, or even sending an email can bring on a slight panic attack or a bout of crying or despair. I always think the people are going to immediately disregard me, see through the veneer to the useless, incompetent me underneith. It doesn't help that on paper I look like a real high flyer but I'm not. I've always felt in over my head, out of place and miserable in that line of work and lucky! I know what they expect me to be when they see my CV and it isn't me. I don't want to be that person. Half the time I think I'm also scared to work after the experiences in my last two jobs. They were so awful that I fear I'll never be able to cope in a job again. Classic learned helplessness, but how can you beat it?
Avoidance and loss of motivation are major issues for me at the moment. My moods are up and down and it is a constant battle to get myself beyond reading, watching TV and surfing the internet each day. BUT today, thanks to the no more panic just f****** do it wrist band I was able to 1) start re-writing my CV for another job without having a fit and 2) ring a scary managing director woman I'm terrified of to ask about more voluntary work. Nothing to normal people, a feat equivalent to climbing Everest for me! You see, don't doubt the powers of the wrist band :D
ive had anxiety attacks which has caused deppression since the begining of the year im on mirtazapine i was on 15mg but now im on 30mg there working for me but omg im so tired all the time it's horrible the doctor said that going to 30mg will stop the tiredness he said the further you go the better i was on 15mg for just over a month and i got put on to 30mg yesterday i have a 19 month old son to look after and its so hard has i carn't be botherd doing anythin or going anywhere for being to tired all the time my 11 year old think's im boreing its so horrible.
it was being ill that started the anxiety of i was haveing a lot of stomach problems and i started feeling scared of being on my own with the baby has i was to ill to look after him i was being sick constantley had no help of anyone i found it so difficult that's when the anxiety started because i couldn't look after myself nevermind a baby even though i did it had no choice i had to do it i just wish they would go away there horrible if there's people out there who is suffering with them then you know what i mean i just want to get back to normal and i feel that it will never happen.
Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time Alison, first with the anxiety and now with the tiredness. Lets hope that it will go soon with the increased dose. It's good that the medication is working for you. Hang in there x
July 28th
Went round to my friends house this morning to see her baby. My other friend was also there.
Friend 1. Married, been with current partner since 16, settled, two children, full time job and although didn't go to university, has worked her way up in a decent, stable career.
Friend 2. Single, never had a partner, totally dedicated to her job, works ridiculously long hours, amazingly successful and skyrocketing to the top of her chosen career.
Me. Stuttering along in my pin ball machine of a life, a trail of minor successes, unstable/aborted careers, failed relationships and mental breakdowns in my wake.
As you can see, we are three very different characters. I've known them forever, we all went to school together, but we've never been really close. They don't understand anxiety and depression because they've never had it. They're always fairly happy in life despite their ups and downs. Seriously, if war broke out the pair of them would be on the front line, 1. with a baby under each arm and 2. writing a up a court case whilst cracking jokes and deflecting nuclear war heads with her feet. They're tough. I'd be under the duvet crying like any sensible person.
Anyway. Children. I don't do children. I've never had them around me. I don't know what to do with them. They make me uncomfortable. Ofcourse friend 2, despite having no children herself is a born mother and can coochie coo like a pro. She waltzed in and was feeding and entertaining away, stealing the show like a modern day Mary Poppins as I sat there like a quiet prune. Urgh.
All this on top of already feeling bad for not inviting myself around earlier (all the time in the world now that I'm unemployed) but chose not to after getting turned down a couple of weeks after the birth (a couple of months ago) because 1. was 'too busy'. Typical of 2. to sweep in like the fabulous friend she is as soon as she gets a holiday from her hectic schedule, making me look like I'm extra rubbish.
Nice to see the kids but not good for the old self esteem today people.
Thursday 29th
Had to go for an occupational health check for some other voluntary work I'll be starting, but because it's at a hospital I was grilled to within an inch of my life. My depression was flagged up...had to give an in depth account of what caused my depression, how long I've had it, what tablets I'm on, if I'm getting counselling, if I feel better and then a letter has to be sent to my GP so she can write back and confirm that I'm not around the bend before I'm allowed to do anything. I understand it is important because I'll have contact with patients, but I wasn't quite prepared to disclose my deepest darkest secrets to a random nurse like that, although paradoxically I'm more than happy to bleat out my deepest darkest secrets to the entire world on here lol.
The nurse too...as soon as she saw 'depression' there it was. The unmistakeable look, even though she's a nurse. That flicker of the eyes that says "oooh, she's dancing the nutty tango, not quite sure how I should proceed here". Then you get the cautious conversation, as if you are going to start bubbling at the mouth and banging your head on the desk at any moment (only in the privacy of my own home thank you very much lol). It's a strange reaction. I just want to say, you know, I'm still me, I'm still a functional, approachable human being (as long as I haven't got PMS). I haven't morphed into the creature from the black lagoon!
Back at home there's a job application on the go. I've re-written the CV again (that took two days as I'm so easily distracted) and now there's a blank word document sitting behind my NMP window, waiting to be filled with the usual dross. Thing I hate is that you are forced to lie. It is hard for someone like me who is as honest as the day is long. I'm rubbish at lying! I find it next to impossible to write a slimey sucky letter saying how perfect I am for a job and how fantastic I think a company is unless I really believe it. It annoys me that the world is full of silly rules and games that we have to follow.
One annoying thing this time is that it's all going through an HR department which is at the other end of the country of where the actual company is based (?), and of course they don't give you a name to address the letter to. Why? WHY? It's those pathetic rules again...we know you need a name, but we're not going to give it to you, you have to find out yourself na na na na na na! Oh give me a break! It's like being back in the playground!
Of course me hating phones, I don't want to be ringing the company. My brain goes off on one at the thought. What do I say? will I stutter and make a fool of myself? Will that make me seem too keen? Will I ruin my chances before I've even started by doing that? Nnnnng! Wish I didn't over analyse everything. I've emailed the HR end asking, but no reply so far...grrrr.
Speaking of over-analysis, I also ended up being a guinea pig in some neurological experiments for a few quid today. The university is running them. Quite good fun, doing stuff on a computer seeing how much you think shapes are bulging and noises are changing pitch (you have to be there, really). Apparently I got a very high score. My audio-visual perception is much higher than the average person's. Not sure if that is a good or a bad thing!
"dancing the nutty tango" loved it :D
your humour is your saving grace dont lose it :D
Hi
I really enjoyed reading your account. I understand exactly what you are saying about applying for jobs. My husband is far too honest at interviews he was sacked in Sept 09 due to not being able to cope while I was ill (I wanted to end it all).
He has been to over 20 interviews and has not got the job for various reasons, to start with he was too anxious and stressed and now I think he has been too honest. How he keeps applying everday I don't know. We have even got to the stage where we avoid the subject as I worry so much about money, having never lived on benefits (25 years.)
I know it's a nightmare being honest. I'm sure that is what causes me so much anxiety. I just want to be myself but I never feel like I can because society expects you to follow 'the rules'. I'm sure it is where my social phobia comes from. I feel as if I'm having to put on an act all the time to fit in and it exhausts me. Every time I walk out of the door I'm striding out from the wings to play The Fake Me and I wonder... Am I convincing? How long can I keep up the arresting performance? Why have I turned into Dame Judy Dench?!?:shades: But no. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to be found out.
Even yesterday, when I rang the scary managing director woman about volunteering she stung me by asking "Do you mind me asking why you left your last job?" YES! I wanted to shout (last job related to her work and know she is in cahoots with my former boss). I missed out depression and anxiety, just said it wasn't for me (true), and it's not like I had a major bust up or got sacked, but even so I could almost hear the question marks of alarm tickling my ear. Why would you leave that fabulous job with your credentials? Why why why wouldn't it be for you? You must have done something wrong, you must be a trouble maker/incompetent thicko/nut case. Perhaps I'm just paranoid.
Well we had a chat about interviews today and pointed out to him that he will have to lie to get a job and at long last he agrees. He has an interview next friday. He said to me what happens when they find out and I said they won't!!!!
I hope you get the voluntary job.
July 30th
Well that's the application sent. No lies in it, but it's been flowered up to the hilt (as usual). Woman sent me a name in the end. Simple as that yet I still managed to get myself into a tizz over it. HOURS it has taken me, only because I find it so hard to make myself do it. I have the attention span of a two year old and there's always so many distractions, such as staring into space.
Sat down first thing to do it then the next thing I knew my bike had taken me out for a ride. I went down to the river mouth and actually it was so lovely because it was very early and so peaceful and quiet. It's one of my favourite places. Best of all I didn't have to be Thefakeme. Thefa Keme. Sounds like a Star Wars character. She could be Darth Vader's right hand woman with a side line in mind control, torturing people by giving them anxiety/OCD/depression/phobias until she gets killed by Jedi knights from the lost city of Alopram. But no, it was nice not to have to play Thefa Keme.
http://www.picturesofengland.com/img/L/1037312.jpg
Here's the Tyne north pier. I walked it this morning, minus the waves. To go with it I had my current 'song of the moment' on my i-pod. To love somebody, by the Bee Gees. Lovely song.
Hi
Like the picture.
Glad you managed to get your application completed.
Wish you all the best.
July 31st
Does anybody have days where they feel really good? It's been one of those days. A rare day where I am not compelled to just sit and dream in my internal world and one where I am not worrying or feeling anxious. I wish I was like this all the time. It's when I consider myself to be 'normal'.
Went to a summer fair with a social group I have just joined. It was ok. It was a bit wet, and the fair didn't have as much going on as I had hoped. I wasn't feeling that social either. I didn't know any of the people and couldn't really be bothered to go Thefa Keme and wade in being all jolly and chatty like I normally would when meeting new people. I don't think any of the group enjoyed it that much actually. It was a bit of a dead event and after a couple of hours I was itching to escape home to be on my own, which I did, passing up the opportunity for drinks in the pub. Oh well, it was a trip out.
2nd August
Went to the library to get a particular book. Got there and I'd forgotten the shelf number and the author's full name and the computer search wasn't working.
What to do? I could feel my usual 'YOU CAN'T ASK SOMEONE' anxiety voice talking to me. As an experiment I tried to think of why I was feeling that way at that moment. It was hard! All I could come up with was this:
1) I should not need help to find this book. I'm failing if I do.
2) I feel stupid for forgetting the shelf number and name.
3) Whoever I ask will also think I am stupid.
4) I'm embarrased about getting that book (it's a self help book), whoever helps me will judge me or might start discussing it.
5) I'll probably stumble over my words.
6) I don't want everyone else in the library to hear me speak.
Sounds ridiculous when you write it down, but this is what spins through my mind. In the end I spent ages wandering around until I found it, but was quite prepared to leave rather than ask for help.
Elsewhere I was guinea pigging again up at the uni. Turns out I'm corned beef at very low frequencies in one ear, so if you want to hear that rhino coming over the plains at 10,000 paces, I'm not your woman.
AAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAGGGGhhhh! That job I applied for...they've only gone and rung up and asked if I will have a PHONE interview flippin' TODAY! Said it's because it's going to mess up somebody's holidays so they can't do normal interviews gaaaa...well I could hardly say no but I haven't prepared AT ALL and it's in three hours time. And I have to do some sort of weird conference call thing that I've never done before oh god this has got disaster written all over it.
All over... An hour long it was and I was in a state of Campbell's condensed panic in the hours running up to it. I suppose it was good that I didn't have too much time to worry about it. I had to ring them on my mobile as I don't have a land line. If the interview doesn't finish me off the phone bill will.
I don't think I did that well. It was an informal first round interview and I was more prepared for direct questions. I don't like wooly open ended things like 'take us through your CV and tell us how you exactly fit the requirements of our job description, picking out what you think are the most important aspects'. It was all a bit much at short notice, especially as I don't fit half of the job description. I ended up waffling and not even really going through my CV.
Anyway I'm glad it's over and I am just going to put it out of my mind now. Really weird though doing a phone interview, sitting on the floor in my tracky bottoms and my hair in a bird's nest trying to sound professional. If only they could have seen me lol!
Got a second interview :).
Have felt really good over the last few days. Getting the second interview gave me a real boost and kicked my anxiety into touch. I finally felt as though I had reached where I want to be - happy, enthusiastic, calm, devil-may-care, not having an overwhelming need to surf the internet all day and hide away. Brilliant...until today.
It's the simplest things that can set you back. Riding on the crest of my new found confidence I have been contacting various customers who might be able to give me good feedback about the company's products for the interview, asking to visit etc. All well and good, except the customers are basically the companies where I used to work. One was an ex-boss of mine, in the same company and field as the job I resigned from in April but in a different part of the country. I told him about my situation, as he actually helped me to get the job I resigned from, but it took a lot of confidence for me to contact him...what would he think of me? Prize failure? Plum nuisance? I did do it, and felt ok. He replied and was perfectly helpful, though I was immediately interpreting nuances of imagined dismissive unhelpfulness and "God you're pathetic" undertones. One line of his email really got me though...
"Yes I'd heard it didn't work out for you in that post". Arrrgh. All at once I had visions of the entire company gossiping about me from John O'Groats to Lands End. What's worse is that this boss knows I get depression and anxiety because I had it when I worked for him. I could just imagine everyone I've ever known there, from chief cooks to bottle washers all saying "Oooh did you hear, Tricky RESIGNED!" "Eeeee well she always was a bit unstable, remember when she had depression? God she's a total loser, unlike us", over coffee, over the phone, broadcast over the tannoys as a 'red alert'. Of course I know it is ridiculous. As if anybody really gives two figs about me, but try telling my brain that. I hate the way word gets from one person to another, spanning cities, continents, planets etc.
The long and short of this is that I feel like I can't escape the past. I just want a clean slate, a brand new job where I don't know anybody and can start afresh, but I can't seem to get that without everybody from the past popping up like bad pennies to probe and pry and prey on my self consciousness and low self esteem. I'm really uncomfortable going to meet people I know in light of what has happened to me. The world is too damn small!
I'm so over yesterday :). I've been having a good day. Infact I've had a good week. I keep coming from the library with arm loads of self help books and I've been sticking my nose into 'the secret' over the past few days. I don't buy into all that energy flow talk but I didn't think it would do any harm to try to banish all negative thoughts when they creep up, and this seems to be working for me. Just making an effort to be happy and to immerse myself in stuff I like doing and only face difficult stuff when I can handle it. It's really helping me to stop dwelling and worrying about things too. I'm going with the flow.
Have had a bad day today. My second interview is on Friday and I'm actually looking forward to that because I'm really interested in that job. I even went to Edinburgh to network and am visiting my old boss this week for more info. How good is that? I hope you are impressed with my tremendous efforts. I know I am :)
The flip side is that last week I got offered a phone interview (tomorrow) for a different job. This is one I applied for 6 weeks ago. I didn't even properly apply as I missed the deadline faffing on wondering whether I wanted it or not. I never looked at it properly and never heard anything so assumed that was that.
Thing is I don't really want that job. I put off doing any research for it until today, then couldn't get myself going until 2pm and when I finally read the job description I couldn't even understand it let alone want it. I tried to do some research but found it so broad and overwhelming that I started to panic.
This was particulary unsettling because I felt myself fall right back into the state I was in in my last job, where any sort of stress was making me collapse mentally.
Now I don't know what to do. I stopped researching because I was getting so upset. The interview is 4pm tomorrow, but I honestly have no clue what the job is about and have no experience and it is not something I could even hope to bluff my way around. I can't research it at all! Then I know I don't really want it and I probably wouldn't enjoy it.
I'm tempted to pull out, but I feel bad for saying yes then pulling out at the last moment, and because my opportunities are so thin on the ground I don't think that I should pull out.
Can't believe I am in this state again. Hate it hate it hate it :weep:
I went for that phone interview in the end - decided that I'd just be taking the coward's way out if I pulled out so made myself do it. Found out today that I didn't get it. Even though I didn't really want it I still got that knot of annoyance in my stomach. I'm still not quite managing to avoid taking things personally. Sometimes feel like shouting BUT DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! and having a diva strop like Naomi Campbell. All the more disheartening when they are based in the same place that I worked for 10 years, albeit a different section.
Anyway, had that other second interview today. Fingers crossed...
Probably going to find out about that other job today. Suspense is killing me. Felt quite anxious yesterday just waiting in limbo for the yey or ney, but today I'm not so bad. Preparing myself for either outcome and will hold on to the positives either way.
Went out last night for the leaving do of an ex-colleague. That was a bit weird as it was going back and meeting up with all my old mates from the job I was at for 7 years before resigning last year.
I wondered how I would feel, as my ex-boss was also there. Thankfully it was the nice boss. The horrible boss I had major issues with and who had a huge influence on my mental health was not there.
He really shattered my confidence and made me feel like I was useless and hopeless at everything. I got on well with all of the others in my group, and although it is awful for them, they only have bad things to say about him. One has just walked out as he can't stand working for him any more (and told him exactly what he thought of him lol) and the others are all looking for other jobs. Hearing their stories reassures me that I'm not useless and hopeless. It's him. He's a complete b****** to everyone who works for him and everyone in the ENTIRE company can't stand the man. What a sad individual he is.
I'm just happy that I had no nostalgic yearnings to go back there, as I did have many happy times before he arrived on the scene and it all went t*ts up. I'm over all that. That job and those people belong firmly in the past. I felt very out of place last night (as I always did really). It's the whole scientist thing. They're just a funny bunch of people, scientists, and I am not and never was one of 'them'. A lot of them are in a similar position to me. It is a very strange, insecure career. Everybody on short term contracts, no long term prospects for 90% of employees, success based as much on luck as on talent, the same old faces grappling for any position that comes up and then having to work their arses off, doing a job where 95% of what you do is ultimately pointless under a bunch of bosses who are incompetent in the majority because they never wanted to be bosses in the first place. I honestly don't know how they don't all go stark raving bonkers, but they never seem to. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who can see the crazyness of systems in the world, like pointing out the emperor's new clothes.
Actually I am feeling bad. I've gone all funny. I feel paralysed today. I'm walking around clutching the phone in a daze, just waiting waiting waiting. I don't even know if they will ring today. They just said 'middle of next week'. Well, it is slap bang the middle of next week now. I don't feel like doing anything. In fact all I have done is have a shower and a bit of breakfast then I ended up back in bed just sitting, numb, lost in my thoughts. This is weird. It's like spinning on a roulette wheel, just waiting to see if the ball will land on black or red.
Hmm I'm not doing very well distracting myself. The only thing that is working is posting drivel on here so bear with me.
In recent weeks, taking photos and printing them out for my diary has proved to be the most valuable distraction from feeling anxious. It's become a hobby, though also a bit of an obsession. Still, it seems to have provided my brain with a much needed thing to latch on to - an activity that I enjoy doing which consumes it enough to stop my anxiety.
I started last month when I got a printer, firstly just taking a few snaps if I happened to be out doing something interesting but it soon turned into taking pictures every day. Even if I don't go out I will try to find something to photograph...flowers in the garden, a butterfly, old, forgotten ornaments I have had stored away and have rediscovered, giving them a new lease of life. If I am out I have found myself actually going out of my way to go to places that might provide me with good photo opportunities. This is great as it has given me the drive to get out and explore and make the most of each day. Before, I felt like I had no reason to do such things and didn't want to do anything anyway. The days would pass me by then I'd get down for feeling like I was wasting my life away.
This has given me a purpose. Each day I look at the blank page and imagine what pictures might be in there by the end of the day. Who will I meet? What will I see? What will I do? What risks will I take? What will happen - good and bad. It's setting myself a challenge to fill the diary with interesting things and it's helping to turn life into an adventure instead of a threat. It also helps me to appreciate living in the 'now'. I have to go and take photos of the 'now' instead of dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.
I haven't taken any pictures today, though. I had a bug at the weekend and felt really fluey on Monday, spending most of the day in bed asleep with it and I've never felt quite right since, so perhaps it is just that but I've lost my get up and go.
Ok just about in tears now. Anxiety getting a hold of me. Have convinced myself they've offered it to someone else and are waiting for them to accept, hence the lack of phone call :unsure: Wish I was busy doing something so I wouldn't think about it.
Hi Trickyvee,
I think the 'middle of the week' means when we can be bothered to companies. Go out, take some photos, cheer yourself up. If there isn't a message on your phone when you get home ... call them later and ask, it will help put you back in control of your anxiety. Good luck getting the job, take care
Will do. Think I'll go around the block. Just wish I knew one way or the other. It's the not knowing that is sending my knickers into a multitude of twists.
Hmm...nothing. I finally burst into tears and now feel as though I have launched myself head first back into depression. I'm pretty certain I would have found out today if I had got it.
I think I started wanting it a little too badly which is what you should never do, but sometimes I need to feel that way to be driven. I really put myself out for this one too because I did want it - all that networking and trips to different cities to visit customers to prove I was interested and enthusiastic. I know I don't know for sure yet but I think my goose is cooked. It's things like this that bring me down. Putting so much effort in but getting nothing back. You can't help thinking what's the blo*dy point in anything :weep:
Hi Trickyvee,
Cant you phone them, then you will know for sure.
I know you're upset but here's the positive side of it. Its good that it means alot to you and you wanted it, who wants a life without passion or desire. And all that effort, the networking and trips. How much did you have to push your anxieties to achieve that, that experience is invaluable to you, dont negate it.
Chin up, take care
Hi Trickyvee
When a company say's they will let you know by the middle of the week it can mean anything between Tuesday and Friday so try not to worry that you haven't heard anything yet. I used to recruit for a previous employer so know that sometimes decisions take longer than expected and sometimes it can delay informing any applicants.
It's completely acceptable behaviour to ring and enquire if a decision has been made so if it'll help you, then give them a call.
Thanks for the advice. I felt a bit calmer this morning but didn't feel up to calling them for fear of anxiety getting the better of me and making a fool of myself down the phone, so I sent an email. It's 4pm now and I've had neither a call nor a reply to the email, but I'm not in the state I was yesterday. Just wish I didn't get so het up about things. It's so annoying when you know it is stupid and pointless getting so worked up and yet you can't stop yourself! Luckily I was out doing voluntary work today so that took my mind off things and I'm meeting some friends tonight. Yesterday was bad because I had no distractions and was just sat there all day looking at the phone.
Sometimes you just think someone is having a laugh. The company rang this morning at 10:30...or at least I think it was them. Came up with number withheld so I don't know for sure, but I remember them calling with a withheld number last time. Anyway I missed the call as I was in the shower (flipping typical!), I don't have answerphone, couldn't ring back as don't have number. Can't actually find a number for the company...just an email, and still no reply to the email I sent yesterday. Well, they never rang back so I know it's a no anyway.
The inevitable crash occured. Back to square one for me and with it all the fear. Just when you think you have your new life in your grasp you're tossed back into the gutter. I'm so scared now because I don't know what to do. It is the only job I have found within 5 months that I had any real interest in doing and I really pulled out all the stops to get it. I could not have done any more and I can't bear the rejection.
Now I am back to feeling that I just can't be bothered any more. I'm not really taking the rejection personally, it's more the feeling that I just can't stand the way the world is now and I feel like everything I have ever done is worthless, pointless and a complete waste of time and energy. All that hard work and study and stress over the years and for what? For this...rejection...or being expected to follow certain pathways that you have no desire to follow that lead to more stress and misery.
Well, I'm bouncing back already :). Obviously I'm going to be upset at being rejected - who isn't? I'll allow myself a couple of hours of boo hoo but then, back on the horse.
Actually, I have been thinking about the job and when I see past the wonderful rose-tinted Disney-esque role that I built it up to be, I can see that it had some BIG minus points. Basically it involved a heck of a lot of world travel which sounds glamorous but I realise the reality wouldn't have been me going hoppity skippity around the Great Wall of China or the Taj Mahal as I liked to imagine when I was swept up in my pre-interview daydreams. It would have been constant jet lag, turbulent flights, being alone, only seeing the inside of airports, hotels and dreary workplaces, stress, being out of the country for 3 out of 4 weeks and only coming back at weekends. Quite rubbish actually. God, I wonder which poor s*d got it lol.
....and down again. Is this all my fault for having an ok life so far and then not being able to cope when I hit a bump in the road? Seriously, my situation could be so much worse. Financially I am ok for now, I have no dependants or responsibilities, I'm staying in my parent's flat that I'm not paying rent on, I can put Dr infront of my name, things are NOT desperate, so why do I feel like a 10 year old child who just wants to curl up and hide from everyone and everything? Why am I finding it hard to eat? Dealing with a stomach full of butterflies? Feeling like I don't want to do anything but lie in bed?
I'm SCARED. So scared of the world. Of people, situations, things. I find life so overwhelming and exhausting. I'm glad I did put myself through all that during the last fortnight, I know I can do it...that's not the big deal. What is is that I can't keep it up. The efforts cause me so much anxiety, consciously and sub-consciously, that my tanks run dry and I fall into mental and emotional exhaustion. I'm a bit like a cheetah, pulling it all out for one catch, missing, then having no strength left for a trot to grab the lame antelope at it's nose. Same old story for me. Mirrors my last job. Sure I can sparkle like a star for a sprint or two, but put me in for a marathon and it's game over. Can't cope.
I can't be like this. I need to keep going doing the same thing. I don't want to struggle. I hate my anxiety. This fear and low self esteem is so crippling. I feel so alone in a silly, corrupted world that doesn't care :weep::weep::weep:
Hi Trickyvee,
Wow you really are up and down. Why are you beating yourself up so much. Try reassuring yourself and comforting yourself, it really will help you not to be so overwhelmed by your emotions. Wishing you some serenity.
Take care
Thanks Andrew. My emotions have a mind of their own. Unfortunately I'm sharing it lol.
Not sleeping very well tonight so I thought I'd bore everyone some more. If you're having trouble sleeping have a read of my thread, you'll be away in no time! :winks:
Not sure where to go from here, because I just keep confirming my worst fears - that I can't cope with things. I'm back into such a state of panic and despair that I don't want to be here. As you can see, it takes nothing to get me into this sort of state.
I keep mulling over the outcome because I don't have feedback. I think this one has hit me so badly because I thought I had a very good chance. Even though I've convinced myself that I didn't actually want it, the rejection still stings. I know they only interviewed 4 people in the phone screen so probably fewer face to face. In the interview they were even joking on saying how difficult they find it to get candidates with the right background in the right location. The background they are looking for is EXTREMELY specific and it's EXACTLY what I have and I'm in the right location. I know myself how rare it is! Can't lose, right?
To be fair I did not have experience in the meat and bones of the job. It was IT and software support (I'd hammed up my CV to make it look the part as I've used a lot of software and systems similar to theirs, but really I don't know my dongle from my driver). They didn't request experience in all that, but if someone came along who had it I can see how they would hire them, perhaps without the specific background. I just want to know. It's so hard to be buttered up then shot down. It's one thing knowing you don't quite fit requirements and trying your best knowing you lost out to a better matched candidate, another to be treated like a shining example of a perfect candidate, beamed down to save their day, only to be rejected :nonono: It works both ways too. I know how hard it is for me to find a job I can go for in my area with my rare, pretty much useless for anything else background, hence the panic and depression!
Aside from this, I'm not used to interview rejection. In my life I have had the grand total of 7 interviews for 'proper' jobs and got offered 4 of them. I'm used to winning this game, not being the loser! It's weird how you can have such low self esteem and yet still have a high opinion of yourself. I think you hold onto such things in a bid to keep the low self-esteem away, which is why it hurts so much when you face something that erodes it.
Still, my interview wasn't perfect. It was ok but not brilliant. I think I went all out on the networking with the customers side at the expense of finding out about the company, thinking my background would get me through. If I dissect it down I wasn't really prepared for the 'why do you want to work for us? Why do you want to move into industry? blah de blah. I mean lets face it, who cares? I don't have a burning desire to work for them in particular or to move into industry, and I certainly didn't spend my childhood dreaming about being in software support when I grow up. I just want a job. I know that, they know that, so I find it hard to lie my way around it. I've also never had a two stage interview before so I'm not sure what the silly rules for that particular set up are. How much do you say in the phone interview and how much do you keep back for the face to face? Who knows?
This is a major problem that I have. I find it hard to deal with the ludicrousness of interviews. Is all part my general adversion to following the stupid rules of society. You are forced to go through this ridiculous performance of self promotion and bent truths to sell yourself. If I wanted to be an actor I'd have gone to RADA and would be up for a lifetime of auditions and being someone else. I'm not, so don't make me! In day to day life I find it hard enough to be fake. I am much more honest, down to earth and no nonsense than most and it's tough to break.
I didn't have that many questions either, but that is a trait of mine in general, not just in interviews. I'm not much of a question asker. It's not that I'm scared to. I just never seem to be able to think of things that I want to ask, and they'd answered most of my questions in the first interview. I tend to just take things as they come :shrug: I suppose it could make me seem uninterested. They also hammered me about leaving my last job. I could tell that had them on red alert. I told the truth (minus the depression and mental breakdown), but they were wary.
Anyway I could pull it apart until the cows come home but it is what it is.
Hi tricky sorry to hear you're having a rough ride.
Everyone deals with stress in different ways don't they; I don't think you should feel bad if you have difficulties dealing with stuff.
I've been having some trouble lately with my anxiety levels,currently on cipramil fir it but the dose doesn't seem
to be doing much so it's back to gp next week!!
My moods seem to fluctuate too
I try not to let it take over too much if I can help it but some days I do feel really down and others I feel quite up
hi katz,
anxiety is horrible isn't it? I'm on citalopram at the moment and in general I am 'on the level' most of the time, or at least in a position where I can deal with things. It's just knock backs that send me right off axis. Have to find a way of dealing with it.
I'm with you on that one tricky !!!:)
Went to see a friend today which was just the break I needed.
I seem to be getting over the slump now. I'm over not getting the job, but feeling very fed up with the way I react to things and how I just can't control my anxiety. No matter how hard I try to stay calm and rational, my subconscious will not let me. It even manages to fool me. I can think I am absolutely fine, but inside I'm a nervous wreck and I don't even know it! It just worries me because I know it is this that led to my breakdown - being convinced that I was ok and just carrying on and ignoring everything, trying to bury my feelings and hoping that they would eventually go away until I exploded from the inside out. It's only going to happen again if I don't find a way to control my anxiety and I just don't know how I can. It's still gripping me exactly as it did then. My anxiety threshold is just as low as it was then. Can I ever change?
Interesting that my friend, who I used to work with, is now in a similar position work wise. Her contract ends next year, she hates the boss and has only just been struck by how little there is out there for the likes of us and is starting to feel very uneasy. She, and many others I used to work with are constantly quizzing me about possible opportunities. Many are scrabbling to try to get on to the entry level training I left in April just because they are so desperate and it is the only thing that ultimately leads to a stable career. One has accepted...she's 41, a brilliant scientist, but has been reduced to that. Others are rightly put off when I tell them of my experiences.
I know I hold a lot of bitterness for choosing the career I did and finding it is a dead end, not for getting to a point where you can't progress but getting to the point where you don't actually have a job at all. We're all professionals, we're all doctors, we've all worked damn hard to get to the point we are at and yet outside of academia our credentials mean nothing. It's particularly disheartening when the most obvious move for us is into healthcare labs, but we can't enter without starting right at the bottom, doing extra degrees and 'retraining' in techniques we are already experts in and could do standing on our heads.
The problem I have right now is that I am burnt out with the whole thing. I'm tired of never having a permanent job or long term security, positively refuse to accept the trend that says you should be prepared to relocate multiple times and start your whole life again somewhere else for the sake of your job. I hate the career I was in and don't want to go back to it. I don't want to do any more flippin' exams or retrain. I'm not really interested in any other careers. I don't want a job that takes over my life and stresses me out, as it has done in the past. Sometimes I just think there is way too much emphasis these days on having a career and making loads of money when the emphasis should be on happiness, family, community and social ties. I don't like the way the world has gone.
I know I'm having a full blown, premature mid-life crisis. My ex-boss even said I was. I mean I know I am but still, cheeky cow, coming from her!
Hello my fellow no more panickers!
Do you ever feel like you are the only person in the world who has anxiety? I do in my real life. Good job I have NMP to reassure me that I am not!
I never seem to meet anybody who can relate to me and this makes me feel like some sort of flawed freak. Last night I was out again with people who all have various problems and yet they just don't seem to worry. They can still function no matter what and have no idea what it is like to have GAD, where you can actually be paralysed because of the smallest worries. I always feel like it is a dirty great secret that I have to hide. Many were questioning my decisions over the past few months (ie leave my job with nothing lined up). I've been called everything from incredibly brave to incredibly stupid and only I know that I'm neither, but I just can't tell them the real reason. A mental breakdown. It's an alien concept to them and a shocking one. They honestly have no idea what it is like to feel like you are losing your mind and to reach a point where you literally can not go on with a situation as it is. If this is so common, then why am I not meeting fellow sufferers?
Hello my fellow no more panickers!
Do you ever feel like you are the only person in the world who has anxiety? I do in my real life. Good job I have NMP to reassure me that I am not!
I think that it's the very nature of depression/anxiety etc to believe you're alone in this - alone in your suffering. We know that others suffer from coming here and reading other's posts yet we still feel alone a lot of the time.
I never seem to meet anybody who can relate to me and this makes me feel like some sort of flawed freak. Last night I was out again with people who all have various problems and yet they just don't seem to worry. They can still function no matter what and have no idea what it is like to have GAD, where you can actually be paralysed because of the smallest worries.
I've thought like this in the past: that others with similar issues seem to cope so much better. But I don't think this is true. People learn to hide anxiety. A big part of it is all the energy we consume to conceal it from others. Yes, some are much better at hiding it than others but it takes its toll. The end result is that they too are suffering in their own way and I think to really see this for yourself (not just read it here and agree or disagree) is the beginning of the end. Comparison just leads to more isolation and pain in the negative sense. OK, it can boost you also if you're doing so much better than someone else say - but then someone else will always be coping better than you too!
I always feel like it is a dirty great secret that I have to hide. Many were questioning my decisions over the past few months (ie leave my job with nothing lined up). I've been called everything from incredibly brave to incredibly stupid and only I know that I'm neither, but I just can't tell them the real reason. A mental breakdown. It's an alien concept to them and a shocking one. They honestly have no idea what it is like to feel like you are losing your mind and to reach a point where you literally can not go on with a situation as it is. If this is so common, then why am I not meeting fellow sufferers?
I really don't think you're alone in thinking of all this as a "dirty secret". If others also think like you then no one would admit to the full scale of their problem. It's like a game I guess. But the reality is that it's NOT a dirty secret. It's not something to be ashamed of, yet we invest so much energy in shame and guilt.
Others may not have exactly the same problems as you but have problems nonetheless! They may deal with it better and hide it more effectively but it's the same game leading to the same place.
Isolation is such a big part of this illness. Feeling alone. And although we all share on a forum like this - which is a positive thing - it's still not real life, is it?
Hope you don't mind my analysis and hope it helps somewhat.
Thanks for your comments Melancholia. They have been a big help.
It is strange. When I think about last night, nobody would realise I have mental health issues because I don't discuss them, and I don't look or act as if I do. If anything I over-compensate. I come across as extra upbeat and jolly, all smiles, full of fun, when in reality I feel anything but. I can put on a show for a few hours. I wonder how many others do the same thing?
I realise everyone has the capacity to suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm not ashamed of it, but I know my threshold is about a million times lower than most other people's. I don't like to reveal my issues because I know others can not understand how my current problems could have such a devastating effect on me mentally.
I am embarrassed and I feel guilty. I'm embarrassed that I could not handle my new job or relocation, when most people would be able to handle both. I'm embarrassed that I was able to leave my post without family committments, mortgages, bills or financial worries and to move into a lovely furnished flat without rent or bills, and an understanding loving environment, yet I was STILL consumed with panic and depression to the point of feeling suicidal.
I just don't seem to have the capacity to cope with any uncertainty or anything that does not go to plan. It gets to the point where I'd rather not be here than live in a world where I can't get what I want or I am forced to compromise. It's black and white thinking to the most extreme degree...I want my life to pan out this way, if it doesn't, I don't want my life at all.
Priorities and desires change throughout life and up until a couple of years ago the way things were panning out was always more or less matched to what I wanted at a particular time so I was ok. It's in the last couple of years that everything has turned upside down and everything I have is the opposite of what I want. I just feel so angry and resentful.
At this point I wanted to be in a long term relationship, possibly with children, in a stable, successful career I enjoy and living in this area.
The desire for a relationship stems a lot from feeling so insecure, not having any family or close friends to support me and elderly parents. I'm terrified of ending up totally alone in the world. I just want someone there for me. Someone to live for.
The rest is just frustration. I DID NOT want a horrible boss. I DID NOT want contract positions in my career. I DO NOT want to retrain now. I DO NOT want to do more exams. I DO NOT want to be stressed out. I DO NOT want to relocate. I DO NOT want to take a pay cut. I DO NOT want to be sitting here unemployed and being unable to get a job. I DO NOT want to have GAD and depression. I DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT arrrrgh! There's so much anger and fear, but this is the reality I am facing and I can't stand it. I don't have the capacity to get on with it like other people do. It's all or nothing.
Woke up in such a bad mood this morning. I ended up having an arguement with my mum over a trivial thing. Much door slamming was done :mad:
I went swimming to try to cheer myself up but it didn't really work. I also went to the doctors to hand in my slip for counselling. I've been on the waiting list for 4 months now. The other week I got a letter - not offering me an appointment but asking me if I still wanted counselling and if I would be able to attend only on a certain afternoon of the week. The whole thing was written in a way to get you to cancel and say you don't want it any more - doing them a favour because they can't match the demand. Made me very annoyed. I wonder how much longer I will have to wait? What a stupid service :mad:
Also still angry that that company never bothered to tell me whether I got that job or not. I know I didn't but I've never actually been told. It probably was them that tried to call me on Friday but why didn't they ring back later or send an email? :mad:
So yes, I've been stewing in my own juice today, not really feeling up to much. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day.
Miranda Hart on the show 'Miranda'. OMG that's me lol. Love that show.
My anxiety has been through the roof today over nothing in particular.
I'm panicking because it's going to turn into Autumn and I'm still not employed.
I'm not bored but I'm finding it hard to wake up each day to the emptyness and pointlessness of my days. Having no direction is causing me immense anxiety. I feel so lost.
I've also gone back to not being able to even look for jobs on the computer without getting teary and feeling hopeless and panicky, so I'm avoiding it. I can't get beyond feeling that it is never going to work out, that I'm never going to find anything ever again. If I go back to the sort of thing I was doing I will burn out instantly because it's not right for me, but nobody is considering me for anything else. I've even found myself writing speculative emails enquiring about jobs just like the one I used to do, yet every cell of my body is screaming no no no when I send them. Yes off you go email to ask some Dr in some far off city if he has any jobs in boring, stressful, soul destroying x because I'd really love to be involved and to relocate! NOT! Grrr. Is there any way out of this mess?
Hi Trickyvee,
How are you doing? I hope you're well. There are always ways to get yourself out of a mess.
Finding a job might take some time, especially if you are looking for one in a very narrow field. Try not to judge yourself over it though, its basically out of your control. Things that you can control are, that you keep on trying to find something and that you dont give up hope that something will work out for you. If you dont believe that your previous employment is right for you and financially you can afford not to - dont go back. If you need structure in your time, do voluntary work, re-train, enjoy yourself lol. The first thing your gonna want when you get another job is more time for yourself.
The Nhs in your area seems like one of those that just takes ages to sort out counselling. You could always be proactive, charities like mind and sane usually offer counselling for a nominal fee. Even regular counsellors will often give a reduced rate for those in need and or unemployed. And I know www.nopanic.org.uk (http://www.nopanic.org.uk) runs telephone recovery. I think you'd benefit from talking to others with anxiety as I did.
Take care.
'Ello all. Don't worry. I'm still here!
Well after three whole weeks that company finally got back to me today. I didn't get the job, but they said I interviewed extremely well and it came down to me and one other person and they struggled to choose between us. So, I'm not cr*p, but I still ended up getting upset, silly mare.
This really is something I need to work on as the slightest thing is still setting me off. I'd just properly pulled myself together after that whole job palaver then the phone call today was enough to plunge me back into the BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK MEEEEEEEEE??????! If I'm so fabulous why did you reject me by the width of a flea's leg hair? And excuse me while I swing my triumphant rival by his golden balls and throw him through the nearest window!
With that I would flick my hair, turn on my heel and stomp away giving one last icy stare of menace, and a damning "and by the way, I am fabulous".
Reject me indeed. How very DARE they! :roflmao:
Anyway if nowt else it proves my acting skills are coming on a treat. I think I'm probably good enough for a bit part in the Bill now. Well, if it hadn't been axed that is. A few more interviews and I'll offer Hollywood my services.
Elsewhere I've been pondering things lately and was thinking back to supposedly happier times. A few years ago when my life was completely stable. My God was I bored! Seriously I was looney tunes with the drearyness of my life. I started getting anxious because nothing was happening. Nothing really bad, nothing really good. I was just chug chug chugging feeling completely unfulfilled and dead. My diary was as exciting as a telephone directory whereas now it's like a best seller! Mental breakdowns, medication, big moves, bad bosses, bad jobs, suspense, rejection, fear, adventure, an unknown future.
My point is, when it comes to reading my diaries in the future, it's going to be this one that I gravitate to because it's where I've truly lived. I'm learning that a life without risk and disappointment is a wasted life.
And guess what? I'm thinking of becoming a counsellor. Signed up to do a GCSE in psychology, a counselling course and work for the samaritans whilst doing a bit of volunteer project management on the side. Went surfing the other day for the first time ever (can't stand up but I wiped out and everything, and in the freezing North Sea too) and went to a pottery class where I attempted to make a small bust of a Samurai warrier and ended up with Popeye. It's all going on!
One has been pushed to one's anxiety limits this week. Last week, after 7 days of putting myself off it, I sent a cap in hand giz a job email to my ex BIG BIG BIG boss, so important and high up that he has no idea who I am (I once met him in the lift where I used to work and he asked me if I was a new starter. I had to point out that I had been there for 5 years). Anyway lets just say this man is the grande fromage in the big cheese stakes. He's a Sir, he runs a million businesses, he has a cabinet bursting with awards, he's chief executive of the universe...
Anyway you can imagine the state I was in when he asked to HAVE A MEETING WITH ME. OH MY GOD BLOODY HELL! So off I went, and he still had no idea who I was, but he was really nice! Isn't it weird? Bosses, in general, are horrible. Do you think once you get that high up you go full circle and turn nice again, just because you have the power to do what the heck you want? I went in and pretended he wasn't anybody, remembering that at some point in the past he wasn't anybody. That seemed to work and I was able to have a perfectly calm conversation and not make a fool of myself. No jobs at the mo, but perhaps in a couple of months (so he says)...
Today, off visiting somewhere else about a different job. Got in a state before hand. Feeling very stressed and nervous, lost my sat nav, running late, against the rush hour traffic, collapsed amid a tearful breakdown but pulled self together and managed to get there on time. Liked the place too.
paula lynne
15-09-10, 15:04
Im Paula, nice to meet you. So good the meeting was positive. It seems most of the things we worry about never happen. I hope you go on to have wonderful new adventures with exciting possibilites, well done x:D
Well it's been a few weeks and hooray some of my voluntary work has turned into a job! :yesyes: It's only for a few months as it is getting pulled in the government cuts next year (boooo!) but it is better than nothing (yey!)
As for me, well I'm still up and down, but certainly more within the normal range. I still have a few very bleak blips with anger and ending it all thoughts but it might only last a day or even a few hours. I still get overwhelmed quite easily by silly things, but unfortunately I think that is just the way I am.
Not sure what to do about the citalopram. I'm still on it at the moment. My Jury is still out on whether it works for me or not, because I can't really tell. I feel better. Did within a couple of months of taking it, but I can't tell whether it is the medication or just me getting to a different stage myself. I don't really want to come off it yet as I fear going through the withdrawal symptoms when I'm starting my new job and even if it doesn't work, psychologically I feel better taking it.
I did go for counselling in the end but it didn't really help me at all. It felt weird bearing my soul to some stranger in a room and I learned that I kind of know what my problems are so I've got nothing new to dig out and explore in a counselling session :shrug:. I actually get more out of bearing my soul on No More Panic. Isn't that strange!
Well, I've decided it is time to say goodbye for now. Things are moving on. But I'll be back. I know I will! It might be a few months, it might be years, but I've accepted that I'm going to have these dips in my life and all I can do is be better prepared for them. Thanks to everyone who has posted comments and replies to me over the last few months. You'll never know how crucial you were in getting me through some very dark times. Good luck to everyone and thank you.
Tricky x
Hi Tricky,
Glad to read things are moving on for you. Be nice to yourself. I hope everything works out well for you.
Andrew x
Hi everyone, I'm back, as I thought I might be :winks:.
So I last left this thread in Oct '10, when I'd got my job. Well here's the update. I enjoyed the job in parts, although it was a lot different to anything I had done before. It was quite easy and flexible, but involved a lot of interaction with the public and other organisations. I basically had to contact lots of different places and try to persuade them to let me come along and talk about a not very nice health issue. It was ok in small doses but exhausting day after day, especially as the subject was rather grim and I knew people wouldn't want it rammed down their throat. It really suited a very outgoing, chatty, persuasive personality and that ain't me! I wasn't depressed but most of the time I was a nervous wreck and I didn't perform particularly well. The job ended last July and at the time I was glad as I don't think I could have continued much longer with it!
I was ok for a month or so, pretty determined not to sink into anxiety and depression this time around with unemployment but my old neuroses soon returned and I found myself back at square one, in the same situation and facing the same fears as in 2010 :weep:. At first I was determined not to take tablets but after 6 months I've admitted defeat and I've started the citalopram again.
So far I've taken quarter tablets for 9 days and I'm onto my second day of half tablets (10mg). I feel like an old hand with the citalopram now as this is my third time on them in four years, so I know what to expect side-effects wise.
Last week I had a little fuzzyness for the first few days and a couple of bad nights with jitters but by the 7th day they had gone. Since I moved to 10mg I have been feeling very dopey and don't feel like leaving the house or doing anything. Everything feels slowed down. I also have a bit of insomnia, waking up at 4 or 5am with worrying thoughts.
6 days at 10mg and I am feeling a little better although still have no motivation to do anything. It's all I can do to get out of bed and get dressed! I don't feel anxious or depressed, but I don't have any drive either. This is really annoying as I know I feel much better when I do stuff as I really feel like I am just wasting my life when I don't, which only adds to the depression. It's really hard to fight the feelings that make me want to isolate and run away from everything.
These feelings have got worse the longer I have been unemployed. In the first month I was absolutely fine. Glad of the rest and in denial I suppose. I was not depressed and eagerly applied for a number of jobs, but turned down a few interviews thinking "I didn't really want that anyway, it looks pretty rubbish, never mind something else will turn up".
By month two reality was starting to hit. I realised that I didn't know what I wanted to do. Nothing looked 'good enough' to me. I was being rejected. Little was out there. Depression set in very quickly and looking/applying for positions became the horrible, crippling thing that I just can't deal with.
I did have a couple of interviews but didn't get the jobs. One was pulled because of the economy. It was for the same job that I came second place in last year. The other went to someone with more specific experience. For the latter job I tried to do a lot of research but found it to be a real slog. Truth is I still wasn't that interested in the position and had absolutely no drive to research it, the company, their work etc etc. I only went because I needed a job, it was permanent, local and it vaguely fitted my experience. My answers were general and patchy, even though I'd spent days trying to revise hard (memory is pretty shot). This is an ongoing problem for me. I can't sell myself because I feel like I am just not interested and I can't fake enthusiasm. I don't want to put so much effort in if it is not going to get me anywhere, and the amount of knowledge/dedication/enthusiasm you are expected to show these days is absolutely HUGE. Not getting anywhere (rejection) re-enforces these feelings. I actually felt suicidal when I didn't get it.
They said they liked me but when I applied for a similar position there the following week I was rejected at application. They can't have liked me that much :(
This was in month 6, and that marked a watershed - the longest time I have ever been unemployed. It also sent my depression to a lower level which made me seek help and go back on the tablets.
Since then I've been offered one interview which I pulled out of. It was for a very ambiguous role I have no experience in and I had to do a presentation outlining how I would do it. It seemed impossible (passing the job description around friends prompted similar bemused looks). I got completely overwhelmed and stressed trying to research it and after 4 horrible days, decided I couldn't go through with it. Once again I didn't really want the job, but a bit of me was annoyed that I pulled out. That was last week.
So, now in month 7 and I've all but stopped looking and doing anything. Even nice things.
Back again. I only write here because it is therapeutic, so I don't mind if people don't read. Just want to spill stuff out!
Bad day because I didn't do anything except surf the internet. Probably about 6 hours straight. It was a lovely, relatively warm sunny day too and yet I couldn't be bothered to cross the doors. I put a bin bag out (only because the flat was stinking of rotten seafood) and got ready. That was it!
I've just run a bath, but it is going cold because I'm locked to the internet again. I'd feel sad, but my brain won't let me go there. I just feel kind of numb and emotionless. Must be the citalopram.
What have I done the last two days? Nothing much :(
Went out for a beach walk with the other half last night. Went for a walk in the sunshine this morning and did a couple of hours of volunteering. OK. But something is missing.
My depression this time around feels worse than a couple of years ago. At least then I still had the enthusiasm to get out and try fun things but this time I don't. That first time being unemployed, although depressing, was a novelty and I still had the drive to work. This time I'm just sick and tired and feel like I never want to work again :(
I have another interview next week for some poxy, low pay, mind-numbing 1 year office job that I don't want. I'm procrastinating in preparation because hell I just don't want it. I don't know what I want anymore.
A bit of me has gone. I can't even write funny stuff any more. I don't think I have ever felt this low. Suppose I'm not on the therapeutic citalopram dose yes but sheeeeeeesh life just seems to have stopped and I have no enjoyment right now :(((((((
2nd day on 20mg and no side effects. Actually thought I was feeling better but spent the day trying to revise for next week's interview and eventually the anxiety and despair got the better of me and I burst into tears :weep:
I'm going to pull out of this interview too. I don't even fit the 'essentials' and it looks like a horrible job I know I would absolutely hate.
Feel bad, but I just want to be able to go for something that I have a vague interest in and don't have to spend days swatting up on boring c*** that I don't give a damn about.
Interviews cause me so much stress! It never used to be like this. Once upon a time they were more like a general conversation, but now they expect you to know so much background and ask you a load of bull**** questions to which you are expected to give the correct bull**** answers. It's all so fake! I just can't deal with interviews. I think it is because I'm honest and can't lie like I am supposed to.
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