MrsCluggy
22-02-06, 09:41
Oh, it's a dark day today for me, again. I awoke this morning at
5.30 a.m. absolutely full of dread, fear and constant thoughts telling me that I couldn't cope with going outside. I have cried and cried this morning and feel so guilty because I have had to resort to taking a Diazepam. I have, in the past, only used these tablets as a very last resort but I have had to take them just to help calm me down. My husband, unfortunately, has now reached the end of his tether and has become one of the "pull yourself together" brigade. Not very helpful. Trouble is, he is such a sociable person, he has to be in his job, but he arranges evenings out or days out with various people, without asking me if it is okay and just expecting me to "pull myself together" and get on with life. He really doesn't understand. I get days, well actually I've had months where I have been panic/anxiety free and I have absolutely loved it. I could go shopping, travel, help friends and neighbours, no problem whatsoever. Then suddenly, BANG, I literally wake up totally debilitated and housebound .... and I cannot for one minute pinpoint an event or situation that has made me like this. This is what is so depressing and gets me down. These attacks come right out of the blue, so planning events or trips is an absolute nightmare because I have no idea what I am going to wake up like, what mood I am going to be in. The only thing different for today is that I have had to take my son to school, then rush back to give my husband's car to a mechanic who is coming to pick it up, then I have to drive to God knows where to pick up my husband as he has had to get a lift to work but cannot get a ride home so he "told" me that I had to pick him up. I hate driving where I don't know where I am going. I know what I need, I need at least a fortnight where I don't have any stress, I don't have to go anywhere, be relied on for anything and just try to recharge my batteries, but I don't think my family's lifestyle will allow me to do this. Is this avoidance or giving in to my situation - or am I giving my body a break? I feel so damn guilty that I have had to turn to my tablets. This in my book is a complete failure on my part. I hate days like these, I really do.
If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.
5.30 a.m. absolutely full of dread, fear and constant thoughts telling me that I couldn't cope with going outside. I have cried and cried this morning and feel so guilty because I have had to resort to taking a Diazepam. I have, in the past, only used these tablets as a very last resort but I have had to take them just to help calm me down. My husband, unfortunately, has now reached the end of his tether and has become one of the "pull yourself together" brigade. Not very helpful. Trouble is, he is such a sociable person, he has to be in his job, but he arranges evenings out or days out with various people, without asking me if it is okay and just expecting me to "pull myself together" and get on with life. He really doesn't understand. I get days, well actually I've had months where I have been panic/anxiety free and I have absolutely loved it. I could go shopping, travel, help friends and neighbours, no problem whatsoever. Then suddenly, BANG, I literally wake up totally debilitated and housebound .... and I cannot for one minute pinpoint an event or situation that has made me like this. This is what is so depressing and gets me down. These attacks come right out of the blue, so planning events or trips is an absolute nightmare because I have no idea what I am going to wake up like, what mood I am going to be in. The only thing different for today is that I have had to take my son to school, then rush back to give my husband's car to a mechanic who is coming to pick it up, then I have to drive to God knows where to pick up my husband as he has had to get a lift to work but cannot get a ride home so he "told" me that I had to pick him up. I hate driving where I don't know where I am going. I know what I need, I need at least a fortnight where I don't have any stress, I don't have to go anywhere, be relied on for anything and just try to recharge my batteries, but I don't think my family's lifestyle will allow me to do this. Is this avoidance or giving in to my situation - or am I giving my body a break? I feel so damn guilty that I have had to turn to my tablets. This in my book is a complete failure on my part. I hate days like these, I really do.
If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.