View Full Version : Desperate!
Hello friends, I am desperate at the mo Thumbalina knows what I went through last year! seen shrinks, tried CBT what initially brought on my anxiety was suddenly stopping my cipralex after years of being on it (drinking as well) but since I came out of detox for drink continued on my cipralex and then out of the blue decided to stop after 5/6 years this resulted in a suicide attempt and 2 months in nut house I prior to this I went back on cip for a few days then stopped then tried other meds inc buspirone and then GP put me back on cip stayed at mums then changed to Trazadone went worse then did what I did in hosp they put me on mirtazapine and clonazepam since I came out of hospital in Dec last year was doin ok was also on amitriptyline for nerve damage weaned off that then weaned off clonazepam now anxiety and severe depression has returned staying at girlfriends can barely go out the clonaz second time around just taking edge off seeing top shrink on tuesday want to go back on cipralex and come off mirtazapine (doin nowt) and come off the clonaz GP said being on 2 SSRI's isnt a good thing doing what I did has left me disabled in left hand used to be a decorator, play guitar and roll fags so that does'nt help! my anxiety is sky high and can't even speak to my mum on the phone without crying not been to my flat for over a year just praying that this new shrink will change my meds just bit scared of going back on cipralex as scared will make me more anxious and suicidal thoughts will worsen but I need something like an anti-dep that helps with anxiety, agaraphobia etc cant carry on like this only respite is when I go to sleep that's all I do my sex life is over doing what I did last year which has left me disabled has broken my heart and destroyed me! I have tried in the past to try without medication but no use the ale was the best medication! benzo's are ok but short term and addictive! please someone help I am desperate!
Micko :hugs: Hang in there. 4 days to go till you see the new psychiatrist. Try to rest and relax all you can. Distract yourself with music, TV, maybe play cards or Scrabble with your girlfriend.
Try to write down all that you feel and all that is happening to take with you to see the psych so you don't forget anything on Tuesday.
Breathe deep. You can get through this. :)
Thanks Chem girlfriends at work just watching golf tried deep breathing, relaxation tapes whilst at Mum's last year did sod all! there must be some meds out there that help just wonder what shrink will say only got half-hour surely she wont keep me on summat that's doin' nowt at all can't carry on used to be so fulla life, active my mood and anxiety is gettin' worse havin' to get a taxi to see shrink, find it hard to accept my disability!
Hi Micko,
You said that you were on Cipralex for better than 5 years in the past. They must have worked for you then, in order to be on them so long? That is encouraging!!! If they worked before, they can work again! That is the song I sing each day in my head. This round has started out very badly for me, and I wanted to pack it in each day. I am on day 11 of half dose, going up to full dose next week. Terrified that side effects will increase again, scared that drugs won't help in the end and this will be all for not. But I am pretty sure that is the anxiety still chewing on the back of my brain - they have worked, and worked very well for me in the past - they WILL help again.
Days are normally longer for people who suffer anxiety. They get even longer for me when waiting for help. Try not to let yourself feel every minute between now and Tuesday. It feels like forever I know, but you will get there! This could very well turn out to be the best day of your life! This doctor is the one who will help, this medication will be the one that will turn it all around for you. You are already a stronger person than you were last time. You have beat the drink, your body has done battle with some pretty strong drugs. You have been through a tremendous amount, physically as well as mentally and emotionally, and you are still here fighting. That is amazing! Now add the right meds, and you my friend will be a superman.
Good luck Micko, your courage is truly inspiring:bighug1:
Thanks Marla, wish I had your belief thing is if they had worked second/third/fourth time around maybe I would'nt have did what I did! maybe like a lotta folk did'nt give em' long enough? just scared shrink won't change my meds and the dreaded side-effects! x
Is it possible for you to print off your posts from here to take to doc? Maybe is she sees just how determined you are to find the right path that will help her decide? As for dreaded side effects - yup, they SUCK! But not nearly so bad as staying in the same place in your mind. Take care Micko, we are all cheering for you. xx
just so scared that my shrink won't change my meds to summat that will help and just leave me on bloody mirtazapine that's doin' nowt cant stay on clonazepam forever terrified can't function at all at mo the buspirone don't do too much either when I wake up un the morning I try and force myself back to sleep that's no life! so shaky, dry mouth etc can someone help????? bloody desperate don't wana go back in mental hospital again could'nt hack it again!
Hang in there Micko, Tuesday is getting closer. Just keep remembering that this is all side effects of the medication. Maybe you will be getting off of them soon, and on to something better for you. You said that cipralex worked for you for a long time in the past.....maybe that is where you will be headed soon. Hang in there, I know it's tough, but you are almost there.
Thanks Marla, what happens if she just keeps me on what I'm on now mirtazapine and clonazepam I'll just be stuck helpless in a rut can barely go out now having one hand does'nt help so paranoid dread bumping into folk I know so desperate!!!!!!! even when I went back on cip after stoppin' em' suddenly still did wot I did to myself now my painting days are over and guitar etc so scared of ending up back in nut house or trying to kill myself again when I was on cip for years was drinkin with em' they don't interact too much with ale then I stopped drinkin' and stopped the cip suddenly thinkin' I could live med free that's when I became ill wonder if I should give em' another go can't stay on mirtazapine just take it at night to help me sleep wake up so bloody anxious then take a clonazepam does'nt do much just takes edge off when I first took them in hospital they did the trick but I knew I was comin' out and thought my hand would mend but the severity of the damage I did to my nerves tendons means it's f####d can't cope Marla don't know what to do if I send my sis txts she talks bout having me admitted again could'nt hack that!!!! buspirone does'nt help much tried CBT but had to finish due to bein' too anxious now become so depressed dreadin' Tues x
Wow, stop txting your sister! I can't imagine anyone threatening me with a mental hospital while i were in the midst of a panic attack. That would push me right over. I'm sure she means no harm, there seems to be a common idea amongst non-anxious that we can some how be "shaken" from our fears. Adding fear to fear certainly doesn't help. Can you print off all your posts to show your new doc? I can't believe that anyone would condemn you to staying on your current medication when I is quite apparent that it is really not helping you.
You never know, if you start a new med, you may find that it will work just well enough that you will be able to start CBT again. It sounds like you have so many things that are getting you down, it won't be easy, but really, what do you have to lose? You sound like you are incredibly desperate to get better, and I think that is the greatest motivator.
Do you mind me asking how long ago your hand was injured? Just the left or both? Worrying about that isn't going to help your anxiety. That is something that is best saved to deal with when your mind has had a spell to heal. One thing at a time my friend.
I understand about waking anxious. I never had that before. These days I wake up in a state, and it feels like it takes me all day to settle down a bit. I am so exhausted by bed time, then I wake up and start all over again. That will get better, I know. That is what you just keep telling yourself. This will get better.
Don't know what meds doctor may suggest. But, if you were on cip for many years and were ok, maybe it will be ok again. Maybe there were other things wrong, and the combination of ale, and Coming Off Meds Quickly, all contributed to your down fall.
Don't dread Tuesday Micko, look forward to it! You may finally have found the doctor who is going to make you whole again! Who knows who you will be this time around:)
Take care my friend.
Marla XXX
I injured my hands in Oct last year left hand useless right hand some feeling! may as well tell you slit my wrists I actually started to become ill March/April/May last year went to stay at Mum's after stoppin' cipralex then re-startin' stoppin' startin' takin' valium sleeping tabs then really went bad when changed from cip to Trazadone then went with mental health crisis team used to come and take me out the mental hospital for 2 months was reult of what I did feel like I've gone full circle no more decoratin', guitar, fag rollin' etc it's broken my heart I have printed off some bits too panicky, anxious to go to physio or anywhere at mo! wonder why shrink/s have never suggested cipralex before? alway's benzo's just wana come off mirtazapine, benzo's, buspirone and stick/ride the storm to one thing! thanks Marla, whatever I do take never gona get my precious hand back would have been 10 times easier stayin' on the cip in the first place, stopping my antabuse (anti-drinkin' tabs) and bloody starting drinking again so limited to what I can do now tie laces put shirts on etc etc etc hindsight eh Marla so f''''''in anxious and low at min can't get any worse surely shrink will do summat re my meds!!! x
Micko, that is one hell of a journey my friend! But, it hasn't even been a full year yet. Maybe once you get your meds straight, you will be able to go back to physio. One thing at a time, right? I can't accomplish the most basic of things when my anxiety is in control, so how could you be expected to deal with all that you have right now? Just keep reminding yourself that you can't deal with it all at once. Once you get you anxiety under control, once your mind has had a chance to heal, you will be a new man. Then you can work on your physio, and that will get better over time. Don't give up, you will get there. Do you ever write songs? Maybe your destiny is to be the next great song writer:D
Printed some stuff off could'nt do it on the lap top so Sandra did it on her computer trouble is the words are tiny barely readable Sandra said it's best not to tell shrink my history as she will know it all best to tell her how I feel at the mo bloody awful! scared off if she puts me back on cip they won't help and scared of the side-effects having to get a cab tomorrow can't get on a bus now don't know what the hell to tell her tom scared she will just leave me on the bloody mirtazapine and clonazepam (barely helps now second time around after weaning off a while ago) what should I do/say tom and the bloody social worker will be there think Sandra's gonna insist my meds are changed can't carry on like this! would it be ok just to swop over as weaning off one to go on another will take forever!
Micko my dear, you tell her exactly what you have just told us. Write it all down so that you don't forget or get fuddled up. You tell her you are scared, you tell her you don't want to go on like this because it isn't helping. You tell her that you really need her help. And what ever course she decides to try, you find the strength and the courage by leaning on people who care, and you keep fighting forward. I have said before, and I will say it now, it is impossible for doctors or anyone who doesn't have anxiety and panic to understand how long time is for people who do suffer. Meds may take a couple of weeks to start to show any improvement. To the average person that doesn't sound like a long time. To a desperate person in a desperate state, they feel every minute of every day, and two weeks can feel a life time. But the time will pass, and you will get there.
Tomorrow is almost here, and then at least the stress of worrying about this appointment will be gone. You are obviously a very brave and strong person to have come as far as you have, just a little bit farther now...
Good luck Micko!
Marla
Good morning Micko,
Just wanted to wish you good luck with your doctor's appointement. Let us know how you make out:yesyes:
Marla :hugs:
Hiya Marla, just back from meeting with consultant shrink (she was nice) I was scared stiff my social worker was there too! anyway she can't just swop me over from one to another so she has decided to wean me off Mirtazapine week 1 from, 45mg to 30mg (starting today) then week 2 to 15mg then straight on to Cipralex 5mg then weeks 3-4 up to 10mg I guess this is the norm then prob up to max of 20mg! so bloody scared of side-effects gotta go to chemist to pick em' up dreading that too! oh and I have to stop the Clonazepam and Buspirone so eventually will just be on one med, just hope it helps wish it could give me my left hand back so I could decorate, roll my fags, tie laces etc etc but like I said I nearly cut my hand off! nothing to lose now eh! hope you are coping x
Micko, YIPPPEEEE!!!! That is great news! The fact that she is nice is probably the best news. After all your worries it must feel great to have someone now that you can lean on, who you know will help you. Congrats, you are starting the first chapter of your new life.
Side effects are a bugger, but I think that slow is the best. After my BAD start on Cip, at day 3 cut back to 5 mg. That really helped. Most of the side effects eased off to the point where they were manageable. The one that lingered was the anxiety and fear of the drug. I just went up to 10 mg last night, and was quite nervous to do so! There were some weird feelings within an hour of taking it, but I just kept reminding myself that it was just the drug, not too scary, it would pass, etc. It never got to the point where I felt that I couldn't handle it though. Today I woke up and wasn't to panicky, tummy a little unhappy, but I can live with that:)
Starting slow is certainly the answer to the side effects I think. The only bad thing is that it takes the full 10 mg to have any real impact on your anxiety.....Keep that in mind, so that you don't fret when you aren't feeling any better right away. You will feel better simply because you are DOING SOMETHING to get better.
Take Care.
Marla XX
Thanks Marla I thought the new chapter of my life was Feb 2008 when I jacked the drink in not seen my little girl since she was 7 now 12 that's hard she emails me but it's not same! shrink said it's gonna be tough couple of weeks cos gotta wean off mirtazapine and pack in the CLONAZEPAM then start the cip then the side effects (without ale) just want my ****in' hand back it's so hard Marla least when I was drinkin' I had a life decorating during the day and yeh down the pub every night but it was a million times better than this went to chemist before nightmare! oh Marla! are'nt the days so long!!!! x
My friend, the days are so very long. Just remember, one thing at a time. These next couple of weeks will be very hard, but just think of each hard time as THE LAST hard time. If you get through one hour, that is one hour you never have to get through again. You will get there, and your new life will be 3 million times better than the last one, simply because you have been through so much, you will have grown as a person. Hang in there mate, it can only get better, and won't your daughter be so proud!!
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