gaynandr
22-02-06, 13:15
Sorry this message is fairly long but I'm sure that any panic disorder sufferer can relate it to their own condition. I have suffered with panic since I was around 7 years old. I am now 33. My condition has worsened over this time and is now at its worst. However, now it has destroyed my life I am finally confronting it. I would just like to tell you about it so that you may learn something about your own condition and also give you some advice about how panic can be treated as, believe me, as my doctor has said " you have the worst and most frequent panic attacks I've ever seen".
Firstly let me tell you about me. I am extremely strong-minded and the various councillors, psychotherapists, herbalists, psychiatrists, doctors, A&Es, kineisilogists etc never really helped. MY mind used to whisper "dont listen to them, they haven't got a clue. Your panic attacks are worse than anybody elses, you will die, they don't really care about you etc".
I remember my first panic attack when I was 7 years old. I was on my first holiday at the time with my mother and stepfather. I had a very bad childhood and lived in a run-down area. My dad was an alcoholic and left when I was 2 years old. My mum who was only 17 when she had me used to leave me and my brother alone at home all night a the age of 5 years. As my brother was younger than me, I had to look after him. Sometimes I would have to get my brother ready for nursery on my own and take him to nursery before going to school. Nobody ever knew this was going on and I never knew it was something I had to call Social Services about. When I was seven my mother was out and I was eating a large boiled sweet. I coughed and the whole sweet when down the back of my throat and lodged there. I panicked and started running round the house hysterical thinking I was going to die. I found a loaf of bread and ate some of the pieces which eventually pushed the sweet down.
When I was 9 my mother and new stepfather took me on my first holiday. It wasnt too far away from my home but far enough to cause me to panic. I had numerous attacks which my parents laughed at and didn't eat for the entire week as my throat would not allow me to swallow food. As soon as I got home I was ok. I was ok until I was 13.
At about the age of 13, I was taking some exams at school at it was winter. It was getting dark earlier and I remember as soon as it got dark I began shallow breathing. The breathing got worse, I got dizzy, couldn't breath, felt faint, the usual symptons etc and thought that I was going to die. I then became pre-occupied with reading books about my health. I would read up on every disease, sympton etc. To this day, I am convinced I could become a doctor!! FRom then on, my panic attacks usually came every day from then on until the age of 21. I couldn't be left on my own as this made it worse. When I was 21 I met my partner. He was lovely and we had my daughter when I was 25. As soon as she was born my panic started again. I kept thinking I was going to die all the time. I went to my doctor over 80 times in four months and was always in A&E. I used to exaggerate my symptons so that they would do tests on me. I had to keep moving doctors so that they wouldn't notice I was going all the time. I always felt worse in the middle of the night as the doctors weren't around. I even moved to be next door to a surgery in case I was going to die. Eventually I lost my job as I was constantly having to leave the office and could never tell anyone I had this condition. Even when I lost my job I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept having to call my partner from various places like the supermarket, work etc. to come and get me. I was having about 6 attacks a day at this point.
I started seeing various people including councillors etc, but although I might have felt mildly happier when I left them, panic attacks would then start even on the way home from them! Anywhere I had experienced a panic attack I would avoid until eventually I couldn't go anywhere. I would
Firstly let me tell you about me. I am extremely strong-minded and the various councillors, psychotherapists, herbalists, psychiatrists, doctors, A&Es, kineisilogists etc never really helped. MY mind used to whisper "dont listen to them, they haven't got a clue. Your panic attacks are worse than anybody elses, you will die, they don't really care about you etc".
I remember my first panic attack when I was 7 years old. I was on my first holiday at the time with my mother and stepfather. I had a very bad childhood and lived in a run-down area. My dad was an alcoholic and left when I was 2 years old. My mum who was only 17 when she had me used to leave me and my brother alone at home all night a the age of 5 years. As my brother was younger than me, I had to look after him. Sometimes I would have to get my brother ready for nursery on my own and take him to nursery before going to school. Nobody ever knew this was going on and I never knew it was something I had to call Social Services about. When I was seven my mother was out and I was eating a large boiled sweet. I coughed and the whole sweet when down the back of my throat and lodged there. I panicked and started running round the house hysterical thinking I was going to die. I found a loaf of bread and ate some of the pieces which eventually pushed the sweet down.
When I was 9 my mother and new stepfather took me on my first holiday. It wasnt too far away from my home but far enough to cause me to panic. I had numerous attacks which my parents laughed at and didn't eat for the entire week as my throat would not allow me to swallow food. As soon as I got home I was ok. I was ok until I was 13.
At about the age of 13, I was taking some exams at school at it was winter. It was getting dark earlier and I remember as soon as it got dark I began shallow breathing. The breathing got worse, I got dizzy, couldn't breath, felt faint, the usual symptons etc and thought that I was going to die. I then became pre-occupied with reading books about my health. I would read up on every disease, sympton etc. To this day, I am convinced I could become a doctor!! FRom then on, my panic attacks usually came every day from then on until the age of 21. I couldn't be left on my own as this made it worse. When I was 21 I met my partner. He was lovely and we had my daughter when I was 25. As soon as she was born my panic started again. I kept thinking I was going to die all the time. I went to my doctor over 80 times in four months and was always in A&E. I used to exaggerate my symptons so that they would do tests on me. I had to keep moving doctors so that they wouldn't notice I was going all the time. I always felt worse in the middle of the night as the doctors weren't around. I even moved to be next door to a surgery in case I was going to die. Eventually I lost my job as I was constantly having to leave the office and could never tell anyone I had this condition. Even when I lost my job I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept having to call my partner from various places like the supermarket, work etc. to come and get me. I was having about 6 attacks a day at this point.
I started seeing various people including councillors etc, but although I might have felt mildly happier when I left them, panic attacks would then start even on the way home from them! Anywhere I had experienced a panic attack I would avoid until eventually I couldn't go anywhere. I would