So alone and convinced I am doomed

[j2]

I have suffered from HA for years and I have my good days and my bad but lately I just fill consumed by dread. For months I have been having a constant sore right upper leg and both my legs feel weak. I know these symptoms can be anxiety related but I can't shake the feeling that this is something horrible. What has kept me going all this time has been my wife but I feel like she has given up on me. I work hard at my job and controlling my anxiety. I do whatever I can to make her happy. I give her flowers, cards, gifts and yet she keeps pulling away. She spends more and more time away and doesn't seem to miss us. I am not suicidal but I am broken right now. If anyone can relate or just wants to comment I would love to here from someone who understands.

God bless,
J2

[MarlaJ]

Hi J2,

Please don't feel alone, I know how terrible that feels. We are all "broken" in our own ways, but we are all here because we don't want to feel that way anymore. I know the terror of HA as well, and there just is no getting it out of your head some days! Sometimes I think that the harder you work at controlling your anxiety, the worse it gets, and just when you think you have it nailed down, something else in your body starts to feel strange, and it all starts again.

Are you seeing a doc, or taking medication at all? The stress you are feeling about your marriage is probably pushing everything else over the edge too I bet

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low right now, and I can only say that I certainly can relate, and I understand all too well.

Take care,
Marla

[j2]

I just wish that I knew that she still loved me and cared for me. I feel like my soul is cracked and my that I have no way out of this hole. I appreciate the kinds words I just need to not feel so lonely.

God bless

[Bill]

Hope you don't mind me asking but do you seek reassurance from your wife regarding health fears? I'm just wondering because she probably does still love and care about you but she could actually be trying to help you even if it doesn't feel like it.

The reason I'm thinking this is because when we have fears no matter what they are, we often like to seek immediate reassurance as a relief to make the anxious feelings go away because being reassured stops us worrying about that fear.

However, we soon find something else that surfaces to worry about because we're in a constant anxious state. If we're under pressure in our job or have unrelated worries such as your worry about your wife not loving you, this extra anxiety will certainly make us find more worries to worry about such as health related fears.

Something both you and Maria have said is about "control"....

Sometimes I think that the harder you work at controlling your anxiety, the worse it gets, and just when you think you have it nailed down, something else in your body starts to feel strange, and it all starts again.

Seeking immediate reassurance is bad for us but so also is attempting to control our anxiety. When we try to control our anxiety, we're focusing on it and this creates tension. The tension then makes us feel anxious which then triggers new fears and so it keeps repeating in a cycle.

In both cases...seeking reassurance and trying to control anxiety, they will keep re-creating fears.

If you picture a rollarcoaster...the peaks are when you feel very anxious and the troughs are when you're relaxed after seeking reassurance. In other words, the anxious feelings are never allowed to decline naturally so we never allow ourselves to be de-sensitised from fears.

If we didn't seek reassurance, the anxious feelings Always disappear naturally but if we keep trying to control our anxiety, the tension will keep our anxiety alive so both issues have to be tackled.

My tips would therefore be, when a health worry surfaces, don't dwell on it. Ignore it. Don't keep worrying about. The anxious feelings Will disappear "gradually" if you allow them to by not allowing yourself to continually worry about that fear. The symptoms will disappear or nothing bad will happen. Either way you'll prove to Yoursel that it was just anxiety.

Also therefore, don't seek reassurance. Allow yourself to feel the anxiety and let it pass on its own. If you seek reassurance, you'll only find something else to worry about so you have to break the cycle.

Don't try to control your anxiety by resisting the feelings. Don't say to yourself that you want the feelings to go. Just ignore them- they'll go!

Finally, I'm wondering if that's what your wife is trying to do to help you because that's what I'd do. It's being cruel to be kind because if someone keeps asking for reassurance, you end up fuelling their anxiety so they then keep finding other worries that need reassurance. Sometimes you have to allow someone to feel anxious feelings to prove to themselves that the feelings will go away on their own.

Also though I would say that IF you have a physical worry that does cause concern that doesn't heal on it's own after a period of time then certainly see a doctor but that way you see the doctor less often about things that really do need seeing to.

One last tip - find some enjoyable things to do to look forward to so that you don't keep looking for things to worry about. The more fun you have in life, the less time you have to worry.

And one last thought - the more relaxed we become, the less tense we feel so the less symptoms we find to worry about because tension creates alot of feelings that keep the worrying cycle alive.:)

[j2]

Bill, I know what you are saying is true about tension, anxiety and letting it pass naturally. I totally agree with what you are saying about focusing on one thing too much. Just knowing that people care matters so much to me right now and that you would take the time to write all that means more than you could know. I am not one to pour out my soul to anyone but I feel like you guys understand and I will be forever grateful. I just need to feel like I matter and that I am not pitied by my wife but loved by her. Anyway, I know I am rambling as I am prone to, so thank you and good luck.

J2

[MarlaJ]

Ramble on J2! I find that sometimes pouring it out to people who truly have walked the same path is just what is needed. Through my own verbal vomit I often find what was chewing on me is just a little less intense than it was when it was trapped in my head. I also understand the feelings of wanting to be strong for your family. No one really wants pity, it is understanding they are looking for. Unless you have had this monster in your head, I don't think anyone can truly understand, and for that reason I wouldn't want anyone I know to understand. Let the monster vent here, and then you can continue to love your wife in the real world. Of course you matter, and I'm sure that your wife knows that she is married to a kind, caring and sensitive man. Who wouldn't love that:)

[zoe-22]

hi j2
i too have this feeling of doom every single day its there when i go to sleep and it there when i wake up. ive had HA about my heart and constantly think theres something wrong have done for 5 months and its only getting worse. my partner was really good at first now he try to ignore me when i asked him why he didnt care he said it was for my own good, i suppose he right so i dont both now i come on here and find i get plenty of comfort talking to people with the same problem it hard for others to understand if they have never been through it (i know as my mam suffered for years and i used to tell her to pull her self together and look at me now, not great words of comfort i know realize). your wife probable not pulling away but just might like abit of time to her self, i have realized it hard putting up with anxious people from first hand experience. hope our ok, take care
zoe

[j2]

I know what you all are saying and I am forever grateful for your kind words of support and advice. I am just having trouble with the onslaught of symptoms. I bounce from one worry to the other several times a day and just can't stop it.