A complete failure

[Serafina]

I am truly disapointed in myself. Today i had to admit defeat and make myself go to the doctors. I nearly bolted several times, and possibly drove the man in the next seat in the waiting room mad with my fidgeting and twitching.
The doctor coo's and sighs in all the right places as i spill my guts out to her in the 5 minutes time slot, to be given yet again fluoxetine. The 3rd time in my life ive gone to the doctors in desperation from depression and anxiety. For over 15 years this has plauged my life.
I admit it, I have failed not only myself, but everyone else.
Last april I felt strong enough to go meds free and have managed up until today. The bad thoughts of self harming, the feeling my heart is gonna pop out of my chest, the choking feeling, the tightning of the chest, the claustrophobia and the constant checking my pulse to see if my heart does miss a beat or am i imagining it? The fact all i want to do is cry and hide away is a good sign that for some reason my brain cannot handle life. Maybe i should feel proud i had the bottle to go the doctors (because i nearly rang and cancelled about 20 times) or maybe i should think that sometimes we all need a bit of help, but i cant get it out of my head that i am a failure.
I cant tell anyone ive gone 1000's of steps backwards. Im ashamed of myself.

[daydreamer]

Hi Serafina,

you are NOT a failure! I know you must feel like your going backwards but your not, you are actually moving forwards. You did so well to admit that you need some help and there is nothing wrong with that. Some of us just have to admit that we suffer from an illness and the treatment for that is medication, I dont think there is anything to be ashamed of to be honest. Try not to beat yourself up about this, its a positive thing, you have recognised you needed help before things got too bad and hopefully now your on the meds your on the way to recovery. Try being kind to yourself :D

[onceagain]

Its easy to see ourselves as failures when we go through these awful moments..but lets face the reality of it. We often find ourselves struggling each and every day sometimes in a way that is managable others terrifying ... we hold our heads up take deep breathes and go ahead with our days.

I look at it that we have to face our worse fears on a daily basis, NORMAL folk, not how I feel but how we often describe how we wish we were, move house and feel stressed... or have a bad day at work and take it out on everyone they come up against... we are incredibly strong sensitive people and if others had to face their worse nightmares/fears on a regular basis they too would understand that from time to time our bodies just simply need a rest from it...we can only bottle up our feelings our fears for so long... then it becomes too much.

We should all remember that if moving house or booking a holiday for some is sooooo stressful then they should find the consideration to understand how it must be for those of us that live a feeling of utter fear and dread and still manage to hold ourselves together so well and even care and be there for others... you have not failed you just needed to give yourself a rest x

[Anxious_gal]

you are doing the best you can! you don't choose to have depression.
try taking Omega 3 tablets, it's found in fish. I have heard great things about it on a radio show and in the news.
also exercise changes your brain chemistry, I know it's hard but a short relaxing walk and some fresh air every day will help, even if it's just a little bit.

[Bill]

Last December I lost my "best friend" - my dog. I had to ask the doctor for something to get me through it as not only did I feel depressed but my anxiety became worse without him to comfort me. Did that make me a failure? No. Sometimes life just deals us with more than we can cope with at which point we all need a little help to get us through it.

The main point though is not to beat yourself up or to dwell on what's happened. Today was a bad day but there's no reason to think that tomorrow the sun won't start shining again...if you draw a line, look forward and don't look back, just as you have done before.:hugs:

[lizzie29]

I have to agree with the others - you're not a failure at all! You've admitted you were struggling and have got the help you needed - that's a bigger step forward than just ignoring it. I too was trying to cope without meds and was so determined, but eventually gave in and went back on them. Best thing I ever did, I now feel like I have my life back on track and am more in control and am starting to live again rather than just exist. I also felt like it was a backwards step but now realise I was totally wrong. You've tried without meds and done well, but sometimes we all need that extra bit of support. Once you're feeling more like yourself it's easier to start handling things. :)

[Serafina]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Its so difficult to think positive when your heads full. Without the meds i was so proud of myself and felt so strong. Now its hard not to think i have let everyone down including myself. Another thing is now im thinking that even if a couple of months or years down the line i might start feeling alright again only to end up like this. Is this the way the rest of my life is going to be or should i just stop on medication for the rest of my life.

[onceagain]

for some maybe but it doesn't mean that everyone takes that route. Life is a test for everyone, we even before we had our illness must remember how things upset us the only difference is that we managed to hold it in and carry on, just sometimes it gets too much...

Think maybe we should look at it like smoking or another addiction, we try we fail we try again and fail but eventually we get there... I don't think this is you for the rest of your life as you are not giving in you are just frustrated at the moment I can hear the fighter in you and you can feel it so just make sure that you don't lose it and then you will never lose the war x

[blueangel]

I can sympathise with a lot of this; I've had a truly dreadful day as I was completely beaten about the head with my worst social anxiety problem at lunchtime today and I feel I utterly failed at dealing with it.

I feel exhausted and demoralised, particularly as I thought I'd managed to make some inroads into it and I clearly haven't. I suspect that this will now leak across into other social contact situations that are usually OK, as I now feel as though I have lost all confidence again.

:weep:

[Rob83]

You are most definately not a failure, in fact you are incredibly brave to admit you needed some help. Dont see it as a set back even if it feels that way its just all part of the process of learning to deal with the condition. Even people without depression and anxiety get points in their lives where it becomes hard to cope.
I'm proud of you going to the doctors when you realised things were getting on top of you, it was the right thing to do.

[dbeightytwo]

Going to your gp was the best thing you could have done, asking for help means you're not giving up. There are plenty of ways to tackle these horrible emotions, we just have to figure out which works best for us.
I have days when I feel great, then the next day I can be a total train wreck. Don't give up or think ill of yourself, just try to be patient and open minded. One thing I would recommend is cognative behavioral therapy, I had it a couple of years ago, I was skeptical at first but in the end I found it really helpful.
Take care.

Dan. =0)

P.S. You're not alone.

[Serafina]

Thanks all for your advice..
I have had CBT 3 times. I feel lame for going over the same stuff again and again and i cant help but beat myself up. Some of the stuff that comes into my head scares me because its the sort of stuff i was thinking a few years ago. Im hoping that in going to the doctor i have managed to catch it so i dont end up so low as i have done before. I know i wake on a morning and the first thought is how i didnt want to wake up ever then the thought of self harming. (but i dont) i have some control over that, but very tempted.
Ive had citalopram before but it didnt quite do it for me. Im a prozac girl it seems. Sometimes i wish they would just dope me up that much that i cant think cos its thinking that does my nut.