AnxiousJon
06-08-10, 22:10
Hi all,
I'm a 33 year old chap and within a month I'll have spent more time living with anxiety than I have without it. My first panic attack hoved into view when I was 17 while I was watching tele (I think it was an episode of Frost with the terribly popular David Jason - not sure if that's why), I spent some time running about the house (and the garden, and to be fair most of the village) totally unable to understand what was happening or why but just knew my time was up and it was only a matter of time before I keeled over and simply ceased to exist.
Slowly over the course of two or three hours I calmed down and tried to take stock of the situation, the attack left me with a strange feeling in my stomach and my legs and I remember being very tired so decided that a good night's sleep would sort things out. When I woke up I was simply a different person, I was left with an anxious feeling deep down that I couldn't shift and to this day it's still here, it's been with me every waking second so I can no longer remember what it's like to feel normal.
Doctors tested me for everything under the sun but drew a blank, I know it's all psychological and I know the reason for it but it doesn't make it any easier.
I've tried a variety of drugs from adrenalin inhibitors (didn't work), through anti-depressants (made me sleep ALL the time and when people rang me up I gibbered to them based on what I was dreaming at the time, which was fun but not really) and even Diazepam (5mg didn't work, neither did the other 20g I took out of desperation when I had to fly).
The panic comes when I'm in a situation I cannot get out of (trains, lifts planes erk!) A year ago I had a very good exposure therapist who spent some time with me and told me to work through a graded list of things that caused me to panic and get used to them. I spent a lot of time forcing myself to get on trains of varying speeds and distances to build up to things and even took a job in London (about 50 minutes by train), so far so good.
Well I've been feeling a bit peculiar recently and had noticed that I've started to develop a variety of other phobias (heights and open spaces) I put it down to stress but yesterday pretty much all my hard work fell apart and I feel worse than before. I'm significantly gutted and realise that it's time to sort things out - I'm starting my exposure therapy again tomorrow and I'm dreading it already.
This condition really can hamper (I resisted to urge to use the words 'destroy' or 'cripple') your life. I'm sorry I've babbled on for so long but it's nice to find a place where I can see I'm not alone with this. I've never met anyone who has exactly the symptoms I have, but I can see you are all fighting your own battles.
I don't want to live a life where I can't go to the work canteen (10th floor) with friends or I can't sit on a train or even go on holiday. I used to fly all over the world when I was a child (father in the airforce) and saw some amazing places but now I cannot even begin to contemplate being near a plane let alone on it!
If you read this then thank you, it's got to the stage where I simply needed to write something down and this seemed a great place to do it.
Maybe one day everything will be alright.
Jon.
I'm a 33 year old chap and within a month I'll have spent more time living with anxiety than I have without it. My first panic attack hoved into view when I was 17 while I was watching tele (I think it was an episode of Frost with the terribly popular David Jason - not sure if that's why), I spent some time running about the house (and the garden, and to be fair most of the village) totally unable to understand what was happening or why but just knew my time was up and it was only a matter of time before I keeled over and simply ceased to exist.
Slowly over the course of two or three hours I calmed down and tried to take stock of the situation, the attack left me with a strange feeling in my stomach and my legs and I remember being very tired so decided that a good night's sleep would sort things out. When I woke up I was simply a different person, I was left with an anxious feeling deep down that I couldn't shift and to this day it's still here, it's been with me every waking second so I can no longer remember what it's like to feel normal.
Doctors tested me for everything under the sun but drew a blank, I know it's all psychological and I know the reason for it but it doesn't make it any easier.
I've tried a variety of drugs from adrenalin inhibitors (didn't work), through anti-depressants (made me sleep ALL the time and when people rang me up I gibbered to them based on what I was dreaming at the time, which was fun but not really) and even Diazepam (5mg didn't work, neither did the other 20g I took out of desperation when I had to fly).
The panic comes when I'm in a situation I cannot get out of (trains, lifts planes erk!) A year ago I had a very good exposure therapist who spent some time with me and told me to work through a graded list of things that caused me to panic and get used to them. I spent a lot of time forcing myself to get on trains of varying speeds and distances to build up to things and even took a job in London (about 50 minutes by train), so far so good.
Well I've been feeling a bit peculiar recently and had noticed that I've started to develop a variety of other phobias (heights and open spaces) I put it down to stress but yesterday pretty much all my hard work fell apart and I feel worse than before. I'm significantly gutted and realise that it's time to sort things out - I'm starting my exposure therapy again tomorrow and I'm dreading it already.
This condition really can hamper (I resisted to urge to use the words 'destroy' or 'cripple') your life. I'm sorry I've babbled on for so long but it's nice to find a place where I can see I'm not alone with this. I've never met anyone who has exactly the symptoms I have, but I can see you are all fighting your own battles.
I don't want to live a life where I can't go to the work canteen (10th floor) with friends or I can't sit on a train or even go on holiday. I used to fly all over the world when I was a child (father in the airforce) and saw some amazing places but now I cannot even begin to contemplate being near a plane let alone on it!
If you read this then thank you, it's got to the stage where I simply needed to write something down and this seemed a great place to do it.
Maybe one day everything will be alright.
Jon.