View Full Version : just because
Hi everyone
Well tonight I am just sitting alone finally with a glass of tipple and pondering on stuff. I hope you don't mind but I thought I would type some of my thoughts as I have them just a way to get it out ... this may even time out but its not for others I just need to reflect.
I guess that it has come to me that I need to really think on how I am going to move forwards and away from this disease called depression/anxiety. I am so thoroughly fed up with it all, and I wonder why the real me just won't come out and stay out .. what is it preventing her... she is an okayish person, likes a laugh you know the sort...when did life become soooo incredibly heavy and why do I look into the mirror.. not something I do often, but when I do, I see a stranger, she doesn't feel like me, look like me or resemble me in anyway..and I just want to see the back of her once and for all...
I guess the reality is that there is NO GOING BACK she has lived her life and it was not for her, she came into the world innocent, trusting and full of wants of a normal healthy female... so if no going back then doesn't that me GOING FORWARDS, SAYING GOODBYE TO THE PAST AND MOVING AWAY FROM THE USED TO BE AND THE PRESENT AND STARTING AGAIN, STEP BY STEP.. reinventing possibly????
Is it time for me to think of just me.. I hate that saying.. truly I do because it is something that I haven't liked in other people previously, but then I don't know their stories and each and every human being has one..barring just a very limited few who I truly believe have no concept of real life, real struggles and reality in itself, those who can not offer empathy simply because they do not have a clue.
I often feel trapped in the past fears they hit from nowhere sometimes and other times I know they are aggrevated, but instead of simply ignoring they take over, even when I know what is happening it takes hold and I feel that the only way to escape is to end it all... I go through all the emotions and then I think ...hold on, what have you done wrong so terribly wrong, then I realise I put myself into others hands, hoping that they will protect me and care for me because that is what I am able to offer them, but reality is saying hold on ...why are you doing this... life does not have to be this way, should not be this way... I think of those I LOVE and it hurts it hurts to imagine their pain... I mean if I did end it all, but then fear takes hold and I think but what if, what if I cannot take it anymore .. will they understand, will they blame and be angry, what impact will this have on their lives their sanity....
I love so much, my family, nature, beautiful skies, birds, sunny days, the coast line in all weathers, sports, watching the innocence of really young children before life teaches them rude words, bad manners and street cred... I enjoy simple things always have done, kicking fallen leaves, water, swimming, admiring the power of natural waters in its vastness and also fearing the very thing I admire... I like animated films where you can sit down and watch entertainment without crudeness, soft porn images and violence... I love the sound of laughter especially when it is from those I love my children my family ..there isn't a better sound in the world... I can sit in another room and hear their humourous conversations and chuckle along though they cannot see me nor hear me. I love to help people, I like praise (whilst this is done very rarely I am human and I do like it)
I guess I have only just realised that when I take a real wobble instead of thinking to myself how do I get through this, past this and over this, I think, abandonment, arguments, ridicule, hurt and how others will react towards the situation and myself... and therefore the whole time even trying to get over my fears I am having to deal with other fears too... others actions.... others pain... and this fear this overwhelming fear of WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOMEONE TO SAY DON'T WORRY WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.. I'm sick of being told I am anxious, I have a low self esteem, I need help... the point is that life and lifes treatment gave me anxiety and a low self esteem I was not this person when I was young, I was shy and open to feeling others hurt, joys and happiness... but I was not who I see in the mirror now... I don't know who I am looking at when I catch sight of her...
I've been medication free for over a month now.. should I be pleased god I am but also if others had half a clue of what I go through, doubting, checking, double checking and still doubting.... the surely they would realise that I am the way I am - insecure, scared, lonely because I have been kicked and kicked and then kicked again whilst down.. and I need to get better.
I read a thread some time ago where the writer stated that self harming was used to prevent someone leaving and I felt odd, because I can truly say that whilst I do have a fear of being left, because this has happened the only time I hurt myself or consider ending it is because I know I cannot cope with being hurt... I hurt myself because I feel that I have no reason to carry on... not as a threat, not as a tie but as a last resort.. I am fighting those feelings on a regular basis... especially now that I am going it alone no medication to level me out so to speak. I have won the battle so far but I have to be honest I do have this incredible fear that one day it will be too much and it breaks my heart because I know that I don't want to die, I want to live, I love to live, its just I don't think I'm living anymore just going through a mere exsistence.. and there just simply has to be a way to beat it, change it, challenge it and move on...
I'm fed up, my mum worked hard to make sure she protected me.. she provided a safe home and love warmth and food.. so why??? why do I accept such poor behaviour towards me... why am I apologising to those that do me wrong, why am I worrying about people who hold little regard for me.. I am sick of being used as a scape goat, being classed as second best and I'm sick of giving in to all this... but where do I find that strength...
I live with only 1 good day out of 7,the reality is that I've lost me and I want her even if it is a much older version...
Sharon, I read your interesting posts, and I felt the 'pain' you are feeling...because most of what you stated was almost like reading about my life...like looking into a mirror, and not recognising the person looking back at me...
I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, social phobia, depression, and have been diagnosed as bipolar. I am on meds for these disorders, but although I've been on them for a long time, none seem to be helping...
I'm supposed to be going on holiday with my husband on Sunday, but right now feel really petrified that I'll finally break down, and let down all those who I love dearly...:weep:
I hope sweetie that you'll begin to feel a bit better soon...and PM me if you'd like to talk some more...:)
Sue x
Hi Sharon,
I thought I'd say hello.
You sound like your struggling alot and I wanted to wish you some support. You will get through this, dont give up hope, dont stop trying. Medication free isnt an easy choice even at the best of times, well done, stick with it. I could relate to alot of your thoughts and issues, fortunately they are not running things for me. I did want to say, you can only move forward with yourself, all the things you've wrote are a part of you. And try not to give yourself a hard time. x
GlasgowGuy
07-08-10, 10:05
My heart goes out to you. I know I've experienced a lot of the feelings/symptoms you have mentioned. Only advice I can give is that if you can take comfort you aint the only one going through this and never feel shy to talking to your GP.
SHARON......reading your post...well....it has touched me oh so much like glasgowguy said...we are all in this together.....holding each others hands and willing us all to move forward and come out of the mist....we will i am sure, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but we will xxx take care sharon, thinking of you xxxx love tracey
thanks for the messages it is appreciated.... well my thoughts still travelling wildly even more so today...
Therapy, doesn't seem to be happening twice now my session has been cancelled and so it does feel you are left behind as usual after stirring memories and feelings up that you find hard to deal with, my GP..I may speak to the GP I have yet to meet my new one, I have stayed away since hearing my lovely doctor left the surgery.
To find that you mean nothing to someone is the hardest rod to carry, when you are mocked for calling someone your fiance when they have put an eternity ring on your finger and told you that they are going to marry you ...how foolish to think it is meant.. so that just makes me feel that my whole self is a mockery.. and one that I do not intend to repeat, I once said that I would never remarry now those words come back to haunt.. and I have decided that I won't.. never. words can be cruel but the coldness behind them is the thing that eats me up... such venom such hate such delight in saying them... the only thing that was never taken back or mocked has now been so what to do ha ha I know another tipple of my fav stuff.
Okay I have sat and reflected, here I am doing it again... falling to pieces because someone else isn't taking care of me the way I hoped they would...
What am I afraid of? why am I afraid of it? its quite strange... that I am destroying myself slowly, big fry up this morning...big slice of cake, smoking like a trooper and now day time drinking too...I'm lost I think, one drink would knock me off my feet previously what the hell am I doing... I am crying out thats what I'm doing but I'm crying out to deaf ears and a cold heart that is wallowing in its own self pity...
Rain or shine this evening I am going to have a bath do my hair and go out... I'm gonna walk with my head held high and I'm going to be happy... then tomorrow I'm back to the gym. Why do I punish myself trying to prove I am who I am, faithful, loyal kind and with principles of my own. When I go to work I hold my own, it is a very stressful role, but I manage it (as mad as I am) oh that is a personal thing so for those reading don't take any notice...something once said.
Then I am going to look for a new place to live, why am I staying here when I don't want to why am I in situations that don't suit me but I tolerate them
I am strong I am intelligent and I do mean something... and all my suffering is not going to make any difference. I am scared that I will end it so shouldn't I be thinking well hold on then what do I want to do in life incase that does happen... Oh to see the killer whales, to witness tropical waterfalls, to go go karting.. there are so so so many things that I would enjoy and love to do and yet I hide away as if I am brain dead and deserve to suffer, but I don't I deserve what I tell others they deserve I deserve to be happy and loved and cared for. I can not make the latter happen but I can make the happiness happen surely?
jaded jean
07-08-10, 18:31
Hi Sharon .
As the saying goes the first step is the beginning of the journey, if you can hold that thought then go for it!! It sounds as if you have come to a dead end.
Remove yourself from the environment that could be holding you back. The excessive smoking -the drinking can only feed the anxiety.
Devote the time to you and getting you back on track .then in time you will be able to do the things you have written about.
You dont deserve to suffer . no one does when in this situation so make your first step hun and you will get there.
Jean
Well I became me again tonight just for a while I went out for a while, I smiled and relaxed I enjoyed the evening with my daughter we went out and it was good. I have eaten pizza and had a drink.... and now its time to return to piecing together my life jigsaw puzzle together and deciding whether I want the end result and if not then thinking about what I will do to improve it....
you are right I have hit the end of the road and now I have to decide what direction to take...
I know what I want but it is the achieving it, and how to do it... I am not sorry for who I am I think I have apologised far too much for being a decent person.. and I'm not sorry anymore.. I don't want to take the blame for everything anymore .. as I believe I am being made out as a scape goat for others bad behaviour .. I could not be more loyal to those I care about...
so ultimately what do I want and is it achievable? sorry folks I just have to type whether what I type is right wrong this is for me I want to be able to look back and watch my pattern of thought.. it is not meant to offend make judgement or hurt anyone it is my thoughts
why is it when I feel that I can be strong for myself I have to feel that I am letting others down, I'm not when all said and done but I always feel like I am, maybe that is part and package of sufferers make up I don't know.
Why is it that when I sit and reflect on my future, of course this takes those close to me into account but it is almost that everyone feels that they are excluded from my thoughts.
I have really thought about my relationship tonight I think the problem is that we have forgotton how to be friends, we are partners who have issues I am very insecure, we have history and I'm always on tenderhooks of doubt this has led to us always being on edge, so we stopped living... we dont do activities where we find out about each other anymore, we don't see each other laugh and discover things together... we are sooo on edge with each other that that is simply all we are acting like now partners in a relationship .. we used to be soul mates relish seeing n spending time with each other, enjoying each other for people...it is a rut definitely and I am scared and he is angry and what sort of combination is that to base a partnership on...
Added to this I am trying desperately to get better... all in all what a nightmare, anxiety attacks v anger... erm .... work, bills, kids, usual day to day worries with tension levels taking me to breaking point.
Love strange short word for something with such depth, if meant, that is.... I don't like the anger, of course I don't but I love the person behind it, but does that mean I can make that person love me with the same desire to mend bridges or will we continue in this self destruct mode whereby all we do is defend ourselves without even trying to understand a way of working through it or is it that it just cannot be resolved anymore.
The other issue that I have to find resolve with is where I am living at the moment, I ended up here because I fled domestic violence so I always felt dumped here, alone, unhappy it holds a lot of bad memories and I cannot see how it is healthy for me to remain here. My daughter has built her roots here but can that be the reason to keep me here any longer? we have no local connections no family nearby... I'm away from my roots I was brought up in London and I don't want to go back there but I am not happy here there admittedly are worse places, I feel safe just unhappy here.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling, confused I guess... reflecting is not as easy as it sounds and deciding a future when it can affect others is very difficult.
Felt numb tonight for the best part sat and cried and then just felt numb... so another week ahead with so much racing around in my thoughts.
Mild anxiety hit several times today the increased breathing and heart rate.. the knotting stomach, I sometimes wish that I could just switch it all off. The sink full of washing up untouched, the house not tidied .. makes me wish myself away.... I will start to get things done round the house, it is time to start thinking of moving, sorting out finances and bringing my home life into order. I've been turning a blind eye and zoning out of the things that upset me .. this I have realised in my reflective moments that rather than face things head on and deal with them it is sometimes easier short term to switch off from them but the reality is that when I actually look, what I see is a shadow of what life was meant to be. This is not me, I want some order back into my life rather than just drifting through it because of the million zillion thoughts that are negative....
Time to sleep want to go to the gym before work... I want to go to work with a bit more of a positive mood, funny how things that others take for granted can bring another human being to their knees.
Tomorrow evening I will spend getting things started, bringing mine and my family life together.. it seems to be falling apart at the seams. Instead of sorting it out I have been letting myself go into the dark side too often.
Maybe I could start to negotiate the areas that I would be interested in moving to or maybe I will decide to stay here and get my act together with acceptance. That is the thing I have never accepted my life is supposed to be here so therefore I just allow it to eat me up, maybe I should start to think well if this is where I live shouldn't I make it the way I want it to be.
My daughters birthday is approaching and I'm forgetting the fun I used to have at trying to make each one super special... I don't have the funds to splash out loads now that I've reduced my hours but I'm sure if I put my mind to it I can bring something together for this year...
Not coping tonight or should I say this morning.... what do you do when you get to that point where you need proof that all is okay but can't get it...
I just don't know if I can do this anymore ... its all getting toooooo bloody much for me.
arghhhhhhhhhhhh in a shitty way... I'm strong but I'm not a superwoman..
nervy-paul
10-08-10, 16:50
Sharon,
I have just being reading through this thread of yours, and it moved me, brought tears to my eyes, and I find it hard to, so that says something about how your messages have moved me. The days often seem to fly by, as though time has been accelerated, but with me standing still. People say the best way to solve or at least ease a problem, is to break it down into managable parts. In doing that though, it means facing the problem and giving it lots of thought, and the tidalwave of emotions hit, making most of us just 'close the book' and run away. I don't know if I am making much sense here - it is hard to put how we feel into words, I find it so anyway. In short, like others have said, take each day, each moment at a time, don't be too hard on yourself for your mistakes, and praise the achievements, however small.
Take care and pm if you want.
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