started living alone, feel like going crazy

[yvon magrait]

hello everyone,
im 35 years old and for the first time im living alone. i've been living alone before, but always was in a relationship and my anxiety and stress and panic attacks werent this bad as are today (even though im on therapy and on medications).
so, im on my own in this great apartment of mine which i've arranged myself, its all beautiful and nice, but i feel completely lost, afraid, strange, like i was pulled out from the real world and like im living in some nightmare. hardly sleep at night, cry throughout whole day and definitely thinking about returning to my mum;s house. i know ill feel like such a failure, but this pressure is too big, im afraid for my health as im in constant worry, tensed, with nausea, heart palpitations, short of breath, dizzy... and i cant concentrate on any work, im just staring at the walls or talk on the phone to friends telling them how miserable i feel.. which makes me even worse, of course.
its incredible how incapable i am to put some effort and energy to my well being, incapable of positive thinking.

dont know what to do. im exhausted, on monday i should start working and it stresses me additionally. not sure is it healthy to continue with this and continue feeling so tensed, worryied, almost physically ill.

if i return to mum, ill feel like a failure, but i already feel like it all the time, if i stay, ill feel tensed, will be dysfunctional, completely cut off the world (thats how i feel).

im starting to feel terribly depressed beause my life became one constant huge worry and punishment. not sure how long will i be able to deal with it:(

[bucketofsnakes]

Hello Yvon
You sound like your in a low place right now. Lots of people here know what you are going through and are feeling the same way, its difficult with freinds, they dont always understand and you end up feeling like your saying the same things all the time.
You are definatly not a failure sweetie, your human. Arranging your lovely home and planning to go to work, even though you feel so bad, you are amazing .
I don't know if this is simplistic, but it would be great if you go back to work and treat it as the time when you are successful and dynamic, if your with new people you can be who you want to be even if only for part of the day.
Things will get better,
Jan

[Anxious_gal]

awww I would love to move out but I would hate to do it alone.
I think anyone really would do much better living with a friend or a partner.
In a way we are social creatures and it's a bit unnatural for us to live alone.
I know that when I'm on my own, I feel so different, anxious, paranoid and scared.
one thing that helps is online friends, It distracts me, using Skype for free phone calls or msn for chats .
I find the nights are the worst time to be alone :-(

[yvon magrait]

thanks guys, for being so supportive and kind, means a lot to me. barely manage to get few hours of sleep after 6am this morning, so I'm pretty exhausted. Maybe I've made a mistake, trying to do this cold turkey, completely on my own and right after the trip to abroad, which was one more huge stress as I can't travel
due to anxiety and haven't been leaving my country on my own for ages. Above all, my therapist is on vacation until September, so no support there either. I'll get back to my mum's place today, as this level of stress makes me feel really sick, I'm just afraid I'll feel like a failureand that I'll feel bad at my mum's, too. Sometimes I feel like there's no safe and happy place for me. Mahbe the key is in doing this gradually, spending some time here and some time at my mum. And maybe I should think of this as of small victory, I did manage to organize my life here for seven days, stayed on my own, which was unthinkable to
me before. Mahbe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I know I'll have to get used to being alone but this way seems too radical for me. And I'm 35, which makes me super nervous because I feel so old and so incnapable of doing things which kids can do.

[lizzie29]

I used to be exactly the same, and hated even being in the house on my own for a few hours, let alone days! I think you're right about doing it gradually, as that helped me loads. Even if you just spend a day at yours knowing you're going back to your mum's overnight, then do that a few times til it feels easier, then maybe introduce staying overnight on your own for one night and then going back to your mum's the next day, so you know it's only a matter of hours to count down.

It really does get easier, but I definitely think small steps are good. Don't think of yourself as a failure at all. I know I often get frustrated with myself about not being able to do stuff that my 3 year old nephew can do, but it's not that simple. Look at what you CAN do. It's so easy to be hard on yourself, I always am, but have recently been trying to think differently.

Good luck with it, I'm sure if you do it gradually you'll get there :)

[yvon magrait]

thank you so much for this:)
honestly, im trying my best to stay positive and not to see this return to my mum's as apocalipse. its always with me like that - if its not perfect, then its the end of the world.
i've managed to be here for full seven days and i might return even sooner then i think now. i never felt so free and on my own at my mum's as i felt at my flat for the past week and guess its very important to remember those things.

guess i have to think through everything that happened in the past two weeks, travelling, being here on my own, and then to continue further. i've been having anxiety and panic attacks since i was 18, guess its not very realistic expecting to resolve everything in just few weeks.
and i know that this two weeks started lots of process inside me and it would mean a world to me to have my therapist now to discusss it all through and understand whats going on inside me.

i just have to learn to be better, kinder, nicer to myself, to congatulate myself when i achieve something.

thanks everyone for being there. please let me know if theres more peopel with similar experiences.

[Franz]

Yvon,

You shouldn't feel a failure for returning to your mum's. Maybe, as someone suggested, you can divide your time between your flat and hers?

I am currently living at my parents', and I'm 41. I had a nervous breakdown in May, on returning from a job in Ireland that I hated. I was living alone, and had similar symptons to you - feeling nauseous, terrified and tense; I'd moan into my pillow in pain. I attempted suicide. My brother came to collect me from Yorkshire and since then I've mostly been living with him and my parents.

I want to live alone again, but I'm still rather fragile and am trying to move forward a step at a time.

You have to be a bit kind to yourself - push yourself, but not too much - and don't let other people push you too much either; most people who haven't experienced severe mental distress tend to blame sufferers for not trying hard enough, and needless to say that makes the sufferer feel even worse.

I attended a day centre for several weeks for people who've got mental health problems, and it was a great help. I don't know if there are similar facilities in France.

Best wishes,

Franz