trying to keep it together

[jdr1208]

hey guys, i know ive only posted once but this is the only place i thought of, i am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. i am married to the love of my life, albeit a very verbally abusive one. 90% of the time its fantastic but when we fight... its bad. its been rough the past few years but last night was the final straw for me. we live in a home with our toddler son, and my mother who helps take care of our son, we rent an apartment, he cant keep a job longer than a year so my credit is messed up, and im at the point of relying on him for all my money situations because he messed up my bank account. i have a good stable job, im in school, but last night during a fight he told me i was a terrible mother, called me a lot of nasty names, then finished with blaming me for him not being able to spend time with his mother when she was dying of cancer because i didnt want to move to be closer to her. (3000 miles away, i had a stable job and i was pregnant) but i told him if he needed to go i supported that. this morning i told him it was over. i wanted a separation. i dont know how im going to survive but i think i can make it work, but as someone who suffers from OCD, anxiety and depression he wants to hold those against me to take our son, and i am trying so hard to keep it together. i just dont know what to do right now. i know in the end everything will work out, but just thinking about it is making things really hard.
im sorry i just had to vent

[diane07]

Hi jdr1208

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[BritTutor]

.

[jdr1208]

thank you. im just feeling very lost right now

[BritTutor]

.

[jdr1208]

he sent me lyrics to a song then an email (im at work he called out sick today) about how he wants to work it out but... i feel like i am worth more than the abusive language and hurtful things that are said. i know he has issues with coping with his problems, and i do not dis-count his problems, but i have urged him to please seek sounceling, dragged him to therapy with me, asked him to find a counselor thats right for him, maybe theres a medication that helps take the anger edge off. but he never goes, and turns it around and blames me. i know i have problems, and i know i am on medication for a reason, but just last night after he called me some horrible names, called me a bad mother, and blamed me for not being able to see his mother more before she died, i took myself away from the situation and went into the bathroom and cried, washed my face and tried to regroup, he used that against me saying i am always running away and how any judge would take a look at my medication list, deem me crazy and make sure in a divorce i would barely have visitation rights to my son. and yet today he wants to patch things up even mentioned how he wants to die. i really dont know what to do, but i am smart, beautiful, intelligent, and a great mom... i know this deep down inside but why cant i stop hurting? ug im sorry here i go again. i just need to get my stuff together and figure it out

[jdr1208]

hey guys i wanted first to say thank you for your advice and support. i went home and spoke to my husband and told him i was moving forward with a separation. i told him i loved him and always will but the abuse has to stop, i told him im worth more than being spoken to like that and unless he is willing to get extensive help it was over. he jumped right into defensive mode and started saying "this is a two way street" "you cant blame me for everything" etc... well i guess to prove me wrong he went online and found some sort of online psych eval test or whatever and it basically told him that his anger which should be on a 1-10 scale (10 being the worst) was a 23. normally i dont buy into those online tests but this one woke him up a little. he came into the kitchen where i was cleaning up from dinner with tears in his eyes and said he would look to check into an inpatient facility as soon as he can for as long as it takes. i gacve him a hug and told him i would stand by and support him as long as he was doing something to better himself. i promised him i would work harder on my faults (i interrupt him, i get tense and just get up and walk away, anxiety hardcore, im a wee bit judgemental... ok a lot-a-bit) its scary for us both, especially since he hasnt been at his job long enough to qualify for FMLA so if he doesnt get paid for this i have no idea how we are going to survive but... as long as we are working together on this i am trying to be optimistic. he saw his dr today and she told him to tell me thank you for giving him a good kick in the butt. but im starting to panic, what if he gets out and i am still battling my issues and he cant handle it? i know that probably sounds so silly.
just an update
thanks again!