Worst Breakdown of My Life

[Sit2Know]

I have had anxiety since the age of 19, was housebound for 2 years and then devised my own recovery plan and went on to years of college and many years of being anxiety free. However I was not nerve free, always stress sensitive, sleep problems etc.

I feel if I had really known and accepted how fragile my nervous system was I would have lived differently and probably been totally symptom free.

In 2004 I had a major breakdown that lasted 6 months - I was great for a year then it all started building again. I got too exhausted and pushed too hard trying to outrun the fatigue and gathering symptoms. Then I woke in the middle of the night with a panic attack at 2:00 am

I had not had one in 20 years and had no idea what it was ( even though at one time I had them daily) I went to an emergency care that morning and was misdiagnosed. That was the first of several specialists and more wrong diagnosis. I know now that my trigger is health/medical fears.

In the wrong diagnosis I was told I would need to be on several powerful drugs and maybe surgery. I am drug sensitive to the maximum so I knew the drugs would kill me.

With the fear of all this I woke up two days later in full breakdown. I came off Xanax 21 years ago with a horrid, 4 year withdrawal and I was getting the exact same symptoms back as well as the old anxiety.

It has now been 3.5 years in total torture and terror. I have done hours of abdominal breathing, meditation, biofeedback, CBT and much more. Some days I am so agitated I walk and pace from breakfast until bed time. Other days my nervous system switches and I am in bed so sick I feel like I am dying.

I have tried many anxiety medications over the years and had horrible side effects. I am 100% disabled by this and tortured every second. I don't understand how this happened - I have a wonderful wife and a totally stress free life on the outside. Right up until this hit again we were traveling, socializing doing all of our outdoor recreation and exercise stuff. I was fit, tan and looked like the picture of health - we took excellent care of our health and ate near organically.

Now I contemplate suicide daily to escape the pain. A doctor just gave me Doxepin to try and after all my other medication failures I am scared shi**less to take any drug. I have dozens of disabling physical symptoms and in constant terror.

After all these years and trying everything I am totally hopeless of ever having my self back. It is only the love for my wife and not wanting to hurt her that keeps me alive.

Thanks for reading

James

[diane07]

Hi Sit2Know

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[gypsywomen]

hi sounds like you have been through a lot but got your life back that was great ,,i look at it this way if you have done it once whats to stop you again its hard but have faith

[little_girl_lost]

I know you said you hate taking drugs, but when you were taking xanax did that help?

[Maj]

Hi James,
I agree with gypsywomen - you've come through it before and will do so again, so please don't despair. Also, don't spend time wondering why you feel like this when you seem to have a good life - you are only human and perhaps are very sensitive - like me!! You can have all the materialistic possessions in the world and still have health problems. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know you say you don't like medication, but so what if you need to take a pill every day, long term, to make you feel better and less anxious? I'm sure there must be a medication that would agree with you and make you feel better. There's no shame in taking meds if they make you feel better and enjoy life more. Look at this as another blip and get some more help from your doctor. REmember - you've done it before and will do it again:yesyes::hugs:

[Sit2Know]

Xanax made me worse. I have come back before but never ever this far down. I feel like I don't have one square inch to stand on.....I am so far down I feel like I need to be in a hospital....but have had two freinds who did that and came out horibly worse.

[Maj]

James, the first paragraph in your first post actually shows what a very strong person you actually are, no matter how low you feel at the moment. That same person is still there. To come through something like this on your own, devising your own plan, takes a heck of a lot of courage and determination. I don't believe that this has gone, it's just buried under all this stress. I also get the impression that you are probably a perfectionist? Living, eating well. Fit, tanned, etc. Wonderful, yes, but very difficult to keep up 100% of the time when you are only human. Please don't expect too much of yourself. I don't believe there is anyone alive who has NO anxiety symptom ever. People who seem to be on top of everything all the time can actually be quite selfish and arrogant and therefore outwardly show no symptoms of anxiety. I say this because I think you are asking too much of yourself at the moment. It's as though you think you have failed somewhat because you can't get back to your "old" self. You seem so very low that you do need help from your doctor just now just to give you a wee start. Try to "accept" yourself for how you are and how you feel at the moment and with time and the right help then you can recover again. again I repeat JUST DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF.

[Zanxiety]

Hello and welcome to the site.

So sorry to hear what you are going through and can relate to how you feel, but I agree with gpysywomen, if you mananged to get out of it once you should find the same should happen again.

Just wondered if anything may have happened to cause the anxiety to rise again, or that it came back on it's own? (although you did say that you weren't sure how it happened).

Although I wouldn't call myself an expert (seeing as I'm still trying to fight off the anxiety/panic), I think telling yourself that it's just anxiety and panic and that it can not harm me, as well as learning to accept it, which I understand can be hard as panic and anxiety ain't nice, will mean the anxiety/panic/depression isn't getting all the fuel it needs and over time the symtoms should loose their power. Could also say to yourself "Okay, I'm feeling anxious (or panicky), but I'll get through this. That anxiety can do whatever it likes to me, but it's just a harmless insect that can't kill me and I will still be here." By doing that you are telling your mind that it's only fear and can't hurt me. You should find that some of the negative energy becomes replaced with positive energy, with the speech above helping to reinforce this.

I think it is really great the progress you made and the adventures you have had, and what you are going through now is likely to be just a blip, which isn't unsuall with this condition, even after years of recovery.

Really wish you good luck and have high hopes that things pick up for you again,

Zanxiety. :)

(P.S: Apologies if I've come across preachy or pratronizing in any way - always have a fear of doing that when helping someone).

[ronski]

James I so identify with what you are going through and that is what concerns me so much. I have had the drug sensitivities, major panic attacks, agitation, Fatigue and major autonomic system irregularities. Do you get post exertional malaise as you have mentioned sleep disorders as all these symptoms collectively can be as a result of CFIDS or Dysautomnia. I have been diagnosed with ME/CFS which in America is CFIDS so if I were you I would ensure that all of your symptoms are due just to anxiety and not the two I mentioned because a different approach has to be taken to limit the symptoms. If its CFIDS then you have to limit your cognitive and physical functioning through effective pacing techniques and CBT to live with the illness.

I sincerely hope it is just anxiety but the severity especially with the fatigue needs looking into maybe with a second opinion by a doctor of your choice. Anxiety and depression do not cause Post Exertional Malaise which is feeling ill after any cognitive or physical functioning which may come on hours after the exertion and may last days and is not relieved by sleep. Also your fitness levels are severely compromised with severe exercise intolerance. If you dont have these then it probably is major anxiety. I am not wishing to scare you by writing this but enabiling you to think outside the envelope just incase you need help from any other source.

I suffered for 18months as you describe but it was only when I got the right diagnosis with the right treatment did things improve to minimise the symptoms. I still get major post exertional malaise, Fatigue, sleep disorders but the anxiety and agitation are only there when I am stupid and do to much which is normal for ME/CFS. Have a look at the ME/CFS forums and see if you fit the pattern, they are Brainfog or foggy friends. I hope this helps

[Sit2Know]

ronski

On my agitated days I walk 5 to 8 miles and bike 8 to 15 - then my nervous system goes parasympathietic and I get neauseated and sick - not fatigued but sick

[Maj]

Agitation is a horrible symptom and Claire Weekes has said that this is when a mild sedative can be of great benefit. I really feel for you because you seem so tormented but where there's life there's hope and I don't think you should give up on yourself no matter how awful you feel. There must be help that you can have so I'd speak to your doctor because you can't go on feeling as awful as this. Deep down you seem to be very troubled and maybe if you can delve into why this is then you can start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

[ronski]

James whatever the cause of your symptoms I feel you are pushing yourself to hard physically. Anxiety alone can wear you out, in fact one hour of major anxiety is equivalent to 10 hours hard labour on the bodies energy needs. So if I was you I would cut down the exercise when your symptoms are quite bad. if you can walk and cycle as you describe then you probably don't have CFS at the moment but pushing as you are doing then it is a risk. You are showing signs of body strain due to energy depletion.

You must look after yourself and with elevated energy levels you will get less anxiety I am sure. All the best and take care.