polly
24-02-06, 17:22
Hello,
(not sure if this is the correct link?)
Found this site through reading a wonderful interesting article in the Daily Mail.
Ive suffered from panic attacks for as long as I can remember, plus depression and OCD. I had a very bad childhood and as a result of my childhood I decided not to have children incase history repeated itself. My mother was a paranoid, schizophrenic, nasty alcoholic, my father was very selfish & spiteful, he didnt have an ounce of feeling in him & only cared about himself and often said he shouldnt have had children. I was constantly told by my father that I was ugly and useless, which I believed for a long time. I always tried extra hard at everything I did and if I did do something well, he told it was just a fluke. If I did well in an exam he would say the examiner was probably drunk or felt sorry for me.
My childhood has affected my whole life. I grew up thinking I was too ugly and of no use to anyone in this world. I used to think if I died I would come back as another child to different parents.
I first went to the doctors when I was about 17 and felt suicidal, they spent ages talking to me and gave me pills which did help at the time. Ive been on and off pills for most of my adult life, although Im not taking any at the moment.
As I reached my late teens, I had it in my head that I was very ugly. I wasnt ugly, I was just ordinary. I decided to have surgery as I didnt want to look like 'me' anymore and certainly didnt want to resemble any of my parents. I thought if I changed the way I look, I would feel different. Over the past 20 years Ive had at least 15 proceedures, I suppose you could say Ive had an 'extreme make over' over a 20 year period. I kept having more operations until there was no more of the old 'me' left. Im finally happy with the way I look, Ive got the face & figure I want.
Even after getting rid of the old 'me' the depression and panic attacks were still there, so I decided to change my life completely. I sold up and moved abroad 3 years ago. My friends back in the UK tell me Im living the dream! If I was normal, yes, I would be living the dream, plus I look brilliant and I dont have any real stress, so why do I still get depressed? still have panic attacts? and my OCD is getting out of control. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed, I spend hours in bed crying, I have to close all my curtains and hide away in the dark, only feeling safe when night time comes.
I know if I won 10 million on the lottory I would still feel like this.
It must be in my genes.
I have good days and bad days, about one in four is a bad day.
I know I will never be cured and its something I just have to live with.
I hide it well, just one close friend knows the real me.
This is just a small percentage of my life, I could write a book on the life Ive had.
Typing all this out has made me feel a bit better.
Thank you.
Polly x
(not sure if this is the correct link?)
Found this site through reading a wonderful interesting article in the Daily Mail.
Ive suffered from panic attacks for as long as I can remember, plus depression and OCD. I had a very bad childhood and as a result of my childhood I decided not to have children incase history repeated itself. My mother was a paranoid, schizophrenic, nasty alcoholic, my father was very selfish & spiteful, he didnt have an ounce of feeling in him & only cared about himself and often said he shouldnt have had children. I was constantly told by my father that I was ugly and useless, which I believed for a long time. I always tried extra hard at everything I did and if I did do something well, he told it was just a fluke. If I did well in an exam he would say the examiner was probably drunk or felt sorry for me.
My childhood has affected my whole life. I grew up thinking I was too ugly and of no use to anyone in this world. I used to think if I died I would come back as another child to different parents.
I first went to the doctors when I was about 17 and felt suicidal, they spent ages talking to me and gave me pills which did help at the time. Ive been on and off pills for most of my adult life, although Im not taking any at the moment.
As I reached my late teens, I had it in my head that I was very ugly. I wasnt ugly, I was just ordinary. I decided to have surgery as I didnt want to look like 'me' anymore and certainly didnt want to resemble any of my parents. I thought if I changed the way I look, I would feel different. Over the past 20 years Ive had at least 15 proceedures, I suppose you could say Ive had an 'extreme make over' over a 20 year period. I kept having more operations until there was no more of the old 'me' left. Im finally happy with the way I look, Ive got the face & figure I want.
Even after getting rid of the old 'me' the depression and panic attacks were still there, so I decided to change my life completely. I sold up and moved abroad 3 years ago. My friends back in the UK tell me Im living the dream! If I was normal, yes, I would be living the dream, plus I look brilliant and I dont have any real stress, so why do I still get depressed? still have panic attacts? and my OCD is getting out of control. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed, I spend hours in bed crying, I have to close all my curtains and hide away in the dark, only feeling safe when night time comes.
I know if I won 10 million on the lottory I would still feel like this.
It must be in my genes.
I have good days and bad days, about one in four is a bad day.
I know I will never be cured and its something I just have to live with.
I hide it well, just one close friend knows the real me.
This is just a small percentage of my life, I could write a book on the life Ive had.
Typing all this out has made me feel a bit better.
Thank you.
Polly x