darkamethyst
13-08-10, 20:28
Greetings everyone
I have been hanging around this site daily since I first found it, reading through most of the information and following the forums quite intently. For a while I hesistated whether to register or not, but I do believe that it is only fair that you should know how much I appreciate this site and the forums, and everyone that post here.
About myself: I am a single female in the mid thirties. I have suffered from recurring depression since a little over a decade, and general shyness, claustrophobia, an anxious disposition, milder depression, sleeping problems and wavering self-esteem long before that.
Earlier this year, as pressure on both work and personal fronts started building up I got gradually more worried, more stressed out and generally overwhelmed by life. My claustrophobia flared up and I started dwelling on existential fears, of growing old, of going blind, of dying, of losing everyone I care about and being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. For a couple of months I seemed to be coping, going on with my life more or less as usual in between attacks, but about a month ago it was as if a dam burst.
I won't go into the details of the circumstances that contributed to the crisis, suffice to say that when the various simmering problems all came to a boil simultaneously, and I had what can only be called a nervous breakdown.
I was suddenly hit with extreme levels of anxiety that repeatedly mounted into full blown panic. For days on end I had very intense physiological symtoms, racing heart, cold shivers, shaking, nausea, complete loss of appetite, completely dry mouth, a nasty taste in my mouth, inability to sleep and an overwhelming feeling of being trapped, in the misery, in my life, in this world. As you well know, it is close to impossible to describe, but I do believe most of you know what I mean.
Being a medical professional myself with an interest in psychiatry I realized immediately what was happening to me. I knew it was GAD/PA and depression, but that didn't really help, because I've seen so many very desperate, truly tormented people whose life really didn't seem very worthwhile, or even endurable.
Having fairly extensive knowledge of the diagnoses and treatments available, both from personal experience and from treating patients, I used this knowledge to really obsess about the worst case scenarios. And having worked in the system and struggled so many times with getting even the most basic help for people in desperate need, I wasn't very hopeful about getting the help I now needed myself.
To make a long story a little shorter, I tried basically everything there is. I went to see my GP, several of them in fact, job health services, I eventually also managed to scrounge up a psychiatrist that seems good. I started up medication again, which seems to have helped. I booked an appointment with a CBT therapist I've seen a couple of times before, although I am still waiting for her to come back from her vacation.
I called the local anxiety support organization and helpline. I browsed the web and came upon this site, and many many other information and self-help websites. I practised various breathing exercises basically round the clock. I had recently started to go to the gym, and now it became a lifeline, doing yoga for the mental exercise and spinning to burn off adrenaline. I even tried EFT (tapping) and had a colleague give me acupunture treatment for phobias.
I bought relaxation and meditation music. I used relaxation and meditation music and videos on Youtube. I bought several books and CDs about Mindfullness and started trying to apply them in my life. I also got a collection of other self-help books about overcoming panic and anxiety and to reacquire some kind of balance in one's life. I've tried to not flee or avoid things and confront or expose myself to them as much as I can bear.
I've called upon my parents and my few close friends and talked and talked and often had them just come and sit with me during the worst bits. I also started up a diary writing down my thoughts and feelings along the way.
Gradually, things have been stabilizing and the last week or so, things have been almost back to normal, which isn't really great, but it was something that I mostly believed I could live with. The stress isn't gone but I've managed to resolve some issues, time has dealt with a few of the problems and I am working hard to face the rest of the problems with a more constructive mindset and to not let myself make them worse than they really are. I am still very scared of a million things that never bothered me before, but I am somewhat hopeful that I will learn to deal with my many new fears with time and effort and that my life might have meaning still.
There are some good points to this story too. Unlike the previous times I've been ill, this time I managed to stay working, which I am extremely proud of. My physical condition has improved a lot with all the exercise. The weeks or constant intense physiological stress and being unable to eat made me loose some weight, which I could well afford to lose, although it completely freaked me out while it was happening.
While I would have wanted very much, not to have my eyes opened to this particular aspect of self-inflicted terror and suffering. I do think that this experience contains the seeds of something good. If I get through it, I'll be in a position to do a lot of good, helping people in ways I never could have without all this newly and painfully acquired knowledge and understanding.
I don't know how active I'll be on these forums. But it has already helped me a lot and maybe I can contribute something to someone else.
Thanks for reading :). Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
I have been hanging around this site daily since I first found it, reading through most of the information and following the forums quite intently. For a while I hesistated whether to register or not, but I do believe that it is only fair that you should know how much I appreciate this site and the forums, and everyone that post here.
About myself: I am a single female in the mid thirties. I have suffered from recurring depression since a little over a decade, and general shyness, claustrophobia, an anxious disposition, milder depression, sleeping problems and wavering self-esteem long before that.
Earlier this year, as pressure on both work and personal fronts started building up I got gradually more worried, more stressed out and generally overwhelmed by life. My claustrophobia flared up and I started dwelling on existential fears, of growing old, of going blind, of dying, of losing everyone I care about and being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. For a couple of months I seemed to be coping, going on with my life more or less as usual in between attacks, but about a month ago it was as if a dam burst.
I won't go into the details of the circumstances that contributed to the crisis, suffice to say that when the various simmering problems all came to a boil simultaneously, and I had what can only be called a nervous breakdown.
I was suddenly hit with extreme levels of anxiety that repeatedly mounted into full blown panic. For days on end I had very intense physiological symtoms, racing heart, cold shivers, shaking, nausea, complete loss of appetite, completely dry mouth, a nasty taste in my mouth, inability to sleep and an overwhelming feeling of being trapped, in the misery, in my life, in this world. As you well know, it is close to impossible to describe, but I do believe most of you know what I mean.
Being a medical professional myself with an interest in psychiatry I realized immediately what was happening to me. I knew it was GAD/PA and depression, but that didn't really help, because I've seen so many very desperate, truly tormented people whose life really didn't seem very worthwhile, or even endurable.
Having fairly extensive knowledge of the diagnoses and treatments available, both from personal experience and from treating patients, I used this knowledge to really obsess about the worst case scenarios. And having worked in the system and struggled so many times with getting even the most basic help for people in desperate need, I wasn't very hopeful about getting the help I now needed myself.
To make a long story a little shorter, I tried basically everything there is. I went to see my GP, several of them in fact, job health services, I eventually also managed to scrounge up a psychiatrist that seems good. I started up medication again, which seems to have helped. I booked an appointment with a CBT therapist I've seen a couple of times before, although I am still waiting for her to come back from her vacation.
I called the local anxiety support organization and helpline. I browsed the web and came upon this site, and many many other information and self-help websites. I practised various breathing exercises basically round the clock. I had recently started to go to the gym, and now it became a lifeline, doing yoga for the mental exercise and spinning to burn off adrenaline. I even tried EFT (tapping) and had a colleague give me acupunture treatment for phobias.
I bought relaxation and meditation music. I used relaxation and meditation music and videos on Youtube. I bought several books and CDs about Mindfullness and started trying to apply them in my life. I also got a collection of other self-help books about overcoming panic and anxiety and to reacquire some kind of balance in one's life. I've tried to not flee or avoid things and confront or expose myself to them as much as I can bear.
I've called upon my parents and my few close friends and talked and talked and often had them just come and sit with me during the worst bits. I also started up a diary writing down my thoughts and feelings along the way.
Gradually, things have been stabilizing and the last week or so, things have been almost back to normal, which isn't really great, but it was something that I mostly believed I could live with. The stress isn't gone but I've managed to resolve some issues, time has dealt with a few of the problems and I am working hard to face the rest of the problems with a more constructive mindset and to not let myself make them worse than they really are. I am still very scared of a million things that never bothered me before, but I am somewhat hopeful that I will learn to deal with my many new fears with time and effort and that my life might have meaning still.
There are some good points to this story too. Unlike the previous times I've been ill, this time I managed to stay working, which I am extremely proud of. My physical condition has improved a lot with all the exercise. The weeks or constant intense physiological stress and being unable to eat made me loose some weight, which I could well afford to lose, although it completely freaked me out while it was happening.
While I would have wanted very much, not to have my eyes opened to this particular aspect of self-inflicted terror and suffering. I do think that this experience contains the seeds of something good. If I get through it, I'll be in a position to do a lot of good, helping people in ways I never could have without all this newly and painfully acquired knowledge and understanding.
I don't know how active I'll be on these forums. But it has already helped me a lot and maybe I can contribute something to someone else.
Thanks for reading :). Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.