Relationships with social anxiety

[louise0501]

hi there

I'm 23 years old and i have never had a boyfriend and i've never had sex as i wanna wait for the right person.

I obviously get a lot of stick from my family about the fact i have never had a boyfriend and my sister who is about 2 years younger than me has been with her boyfriend for 6 years and they are living together. They constantly say i'm gay and it just really gets to me.

Is it normal to struggle being in relationships with social anxiety? because i read about people who have SA and it seems people with SA can still be in relationships but i just find it so diffcult.

Also i find it quite difficult talking to my family about it like i sometimes meet up with a guy i have met online now and again coz i have no other way of meeting people and i find it difficult to tell my family about it and my mum is quite nosey and asks loads of questions but i just feel embarrassed talking to her about it. is this normal? or am i just a freak like everyone says?

Please reply
Love Louise XXX

[87sal87]

Hi hun,

The the exact same. I'm 23 aswell. Never had a meaningful relationship with a lad & have now more or less distanced myself from all my friends as I increasingly find it hard to be around people, even my own family.
My family are understanding most of the time but I think they do wonder why I've never had a long term relationship or go out with my mates anymore, but they're know what I'm like. I think they're just frustrated for me & want me to be happy.

You're certainly NOT a freak hunni, you can't help how you are. ALOT of people are in the same boat & you just need to find some more understanding people.
I know it may not seem like it at times, but we're still only young & we have plenty of time to find that 'right' person, we just need to take our time & do it when we feel right.

PM me if you need to talk hun x

[absentia]

I'm 24, and have only ever had 1 relationship, which some how lasted 5 years. I was 16 at the time and my ex was very persistent in getting with me no matter how much I put off the idea of being in a relationship, so if it wasn't for her I would probably have remained single my whole life so far. I have been single for 3 years since it ended and seem to find it very hard to get close to people and anyone who has shown interest in me, I have distanced myself from. I find it embarrassing when people bring up the subject of me being single and I also find it difficult to talk to my family about it too. I am a very private person, so if I was to meet someone off the internet I would feel uncomfortable telling friends and family too. I even singed up to plenty of fish and would not put up a profile picture in fear of someone recognizing me.

You are not alone in how you feel Louise. My SA has got increasingly worse since I split with my ex making it even more difficult than before. It's very hard to improve on your self esteem and confidence when you feel destined to be alone. I think you meeting this guy on the internet is a great start to finding a relationship. The internet is a good place to get to know someone before meeting them. I think that once you get into a relationship and become comfortable you will find it easier to talk about with your friends and family.

Good luck for your future. I hope it works out for you and 87sal87

[xfilme]

ive not been in a relationship for 8 years because of it. i wish i could find the answer as my social anxiety makes me perpetually lonley x

[cblack6]

Your are definatley not a freak! People with Social Anxiety do find if difficult (well i certainly do)
So its very normal.
And your right, you should wait until you meet the right person. And you will
:)

[lndnboy]

I get S.A aswell, it has prevented me from having a relationship, ive been with girls and i have had girls wanting to go out or have a drink but my confidence and my shynness prevents me, all i know that iam young and i will getmy confidence up and find myself i just need to push myself in social situations and accept the anxiety im guessing this will be the best way for yourself

p.s ure not a freak lol

[graham87]

Well, im 23 and in a very similar position so u defo not alone. If u r a freak im right there with ya.

[Desprate Dan]

You certainly not alone Louise, I am also single and have been for along time i would love to find a loving caring person who i could share happy times and care for.. I get so embarrased when people start talking about relationship's, i think they are talking about me, so i even told friends at work i had a girlfriend even though i didn't.. I would really love to meet someone just like me..haha that sounds so vain..lol, no what i mean is someone who i can totally relax with, who understands how hard it is for us.. Its a shame we all couldn't have a NMP meet up, i am sure then we could meet with someone with the same worries and concerns and take things nice and slow and get to really know each other... If only :hugs:

DD

[radougalkins]

I'm just 19 and somehow i ended up with a boyfriend when i went to uni coming up 2 years ago. Just friends now but were together for about 18 months or so... though have to say i've no idea how. I don't think i ever really felt comfortable being in a "relationship" ...

From the last couple of years though i know its been tough sometimes. Thing is he was also quite shy and not comfortable around people (didnt have anxiety problems... just generally not a sociable kinda guy)... so in that sense i think we semi-understood each other. Though with me my paranoia from anxiety caused quite a few problems. Ok... a lot of problems. In the end I just couldnt deal with it all and i ended things a couple of months ago.. was quite hard trying to control my anxiety though.

like you.. i find it difficult talking to family about relationships or whatever because they're forever harking on about why haven't any of us had a boy/girlfriend... they're so into what is socially "normal" its frustrating!! i didnt even tell my family about having a boyfriend. for once i felt free from them noseying into every aspect of my life. though again... made things a little difficult for my boyfriend having to explain that!!!

[challangerchris]

I think its lovely that some people still want to 'wait' till they meet the right person, makes a nice change from the usual town people who seem to go with anything that moves.....

I've been in a long relationship and have two kids but i've been single for 3 years now, I seem to come across as a nice person (from what others have told me) but the older I get the harder it seems to be to break the ice of freindship to partner.....I just don't have the confidence to ask anyone out anymore, the longer it goes on the harder it seems to be.

I'm just hanging onto the fact that i've not met the right person yet, but i'm quite sure things will change one day.......surely I can't be single forever lol.

Take care all.
Chris

[jude uk]

The main thing is to understand that no matter what we may suffer from that is not all we are. Our personality is more than our emotional difficulties. I thought at first it would be good to meet someone with similar issue to myself but met someone with no history of emotional issues (panic anxiety agoraphobia etc). I have come along way and no longer have these issues, sure they can creep in but they dont stop me living my life.
I was straight up with the person and said I did suffer the above but I am coping and they accepted me for me.

We can get so caught up with our problems that we lose who we are. We become our illness and think others will see only that. Well they will if that is what we believe defines us but if we allow our personalities to shine then our ilness will be in the shadows.

Think about what your interests are, your fav music, films, art, hobbies you do or used to do, goals you would like.
The person I met was more worried about meeting me than I was them.....Even those without issues are nervous.............WE ARE MORE THAN OUR ANXIETY:hugs:

[xfilme]

i have terrible social anxiety that prevents me from dating most of the time. Ive only had one four month relationship in the last eight years... it really gets me down :(

[bluedog]

Same here ive been divorced for 4 years and havent been in a relationship since, i sometimes wonder if ill ever meet that special person, problem is i dont socialise i find it difficult being around people.

[supersezza]

I think it makes it more difficult but then sometimes I think we under-sell ourselves, I think the first thing is to think about what YOU actually want, so have an idea, even do a brainstorm on it! I've often made the mistake of just getting with people that show an interest in me just because it seems flattering, then i've ended up miserable coz really i knew they werent for me from the start! silly really but yes try not to think in terms of your anxiety but more your hopes and wants, it really helps and also remember anxiety is really natural in those kinda circumstances, take it really slow and keep your anxiety manageable, time will tell, i've also found it easier not to enter into sexual relationships with people straight away, somehow i've always viewed that as a commitment to the other person in terms of long-term ness...so yeah just put yourself first and the right one will stick! if not then they weren't for you! x

[trooper]

33 - single. Last relationship 2006.

I'm good at booze fueled flings (kind of) but I can't hold down a relationship. I'm too ambivalent. I pull people towards me then get freaked out and feel invaded when they get too close and push them away.

[louise0501]

i met up with this guy i met online which is kinda sad but he seemed pretty nice and we had been chatting for a very long time. I have an evening class in bristol on tuesdays which is about a 40 minute train journey away from where i live so we dont even live in the same town but i do really like him and he said he likes me more than a mate but we havn't even kissed yet and we have only met twice. I just don't really know where to go from here? i mean obviously theres the distance which is a bit of pain and i have never been in a relationship before so i have no idea what i'm doing any advice?

Many Thanks
Louise X

[DanH]

hi there

I'm 23 years old and i have never had a boyfriend and i've never had sex as i wanna wait for the right person.

I obviously get a lot of stick from my family about the fact i have never had a boyfriend and my sister who is about 2 years younger than me has been with her boyfriend for 6 years and they are living together. They constantly say i'm gay and it just really gets to me.


Thats a very familiar thing to hear, I think I was around 24/25 when I actually lost my virginity as a huge SA / GAD / Agoraphobia sufferer, I had relationships before then yet couldn't physically do it due to anxiety.

You really shouldn't let these things bother you, comparing yourself to other people and what you define as "normal" at least in my experience is the single most destructive thing somone in our condition can do.

It might sound like the standard pre-teen advice im giving here, but really don't rush into sex, the intimacy thats supposed to go with it is a huge issue for an SA sufferer.

Its gonna sound awful to say this and I'm really not advocating its use, but the only thing that actually worked for me in the end was ectasy, without that drug I've had no real social / sexual relationships.

[charliepanayi]

I'm 27 years old and have never been in a relationship (or indeed had sex), all due to my anxiety (I hate bars/pubs/clubs the gym) and inability to deal with how to ask women out etc. Things have become increasingly desperate over the years and my hopes have ebbed away to pretty much nothing - I tried online dating for a while and that was a complete disaster which just damaged my confidence further. The previous poster is right in that it's no good to compare oneself to 'normal' people, but I can't help but do so.

[sleepinghypatia]

I met my boyfriend online. Not through a dating site, I might add—I've never used 'em—but unintentionally, through a discussion forum we both posted on. The internet is a legitimate way of meeting new people, and may offer certain advantages to people with anxiety that face-to-face meeting does not.

[trooper]

I have done loads of online dating, I wouldn't put any negative judgments on it. The good thing about online dating is 1) you know the people are actually single and looking to meet someone. 2) You can establish common ground, get to know each other and build some comfort before you meet. It is a little nerve wracking the first time you meet but I found it really good practice to get over it, when you do it quite a bit it becomes easier. You're in a public place so you're generally pretty safe. If it doesn't work out you can always leave after a couple of drinks.

[louise0501]

hey, i met up with him on tuesday and we kissed and he said that he really likes me. i havn't heard from him since then though so does that mean he's gone off me already? or am i just being paranoid? i have had a lot of bad luck with lads and i have met up with some before and then they have just ignored me so i find it hard to trust people.

Please reply
Love Louise X