View Full Version : Scared of panic attacks, partner doesnt understand
Hi,
i just wanted to get all this off my chest as i dont know what else to do. I have had panic attacks for nearly 4 yrs now and also have agoraphobia. i have been very aware that my agoraphobia is getting worse over the last few months so have been really trying to get a hold of it before it takes over my life any more than it already has. A few days ago i decided i was going to go somewhere this wkend and this place is about 12-13 miles from my house. It meant going down the motorway for about 10 miles.
Anyway, my bf is fully aware of my problems and says he will be supportive. In the past, before he understood panic attacks/agoraphobia, he has reacted very badly to my panic attacks; for example if we drove somewhere then i said i was having a panic attack and had to go home, he would get really angry and irate. He now understands that was wrong and says he won't get angry anymore, and that we will just pull over and give me some time to calm down before carrying on. Well, this morning we got to the motorway junction and i felt really anxious, i decided i wasnt ready to get on the motorway yet and asked him to go home. I said I would go back in an hour or so. He didnt shout at first but i could tell he was annoyed, then he started driving really fast, when i asked him to slow down he wouldnt. we ended up having a row and i said we should split up because i obviously can't trust him to stay calm whilst im having a panic attack, and that in turn is making me more anxious. He said he wouldnt get angry if i was at least trying to sort myself out but i'm not even making an effort, at the first sign of a panic attack i just turn round and go home, he said i'm never going to get better and I'll be like this all my life.
i know he's right but i can't seem to get rid of this fear of panic attacks, it doesnt matter how logically i think while i'm sat at home, mid-panic attack all logic goes out the window. Now i dont know what to do because i am scared to live on my own, i think my panic attacks would get worse, but i just dont think he is capable of remaining calm during a panic attack. if he can't stay calm when i'm not having a panic attack, how can he possibly stay calm when i am having one? We've been together for 4 years btw. I've lost touch with most of my friends because of my panic attacks and my mum doesnt live particularly nearby.
sorry for rambling on, i just feel like i'm stuck in a rut and im going further downhill all the time and i just dont know what to do. I've had CBT and read a few self-help books but I'm still no better. :weep:
Hi Ann sorry to hear you have had a bad morning. But my partner is kind of the same, hes better than he was but when I have a Panic Attack or feel anxious he doesnt understand at all and tells me to pull myself together is a harsh tone of voice, he has been with me to see see my Psychiatrist twice thinking that might make him understand and all he can say after those appointments is you are bring it all on your self, which I already know but unless you have been through it you have no idea how terrible and scarey it is.
When I was at my lowest after he had spoken to me sharp I used to crying and it made me feel more anxious. My Mother even shouted at him once as when I called her and was crying on the phone.
I am currently taking Seroxate and feel 50% better, you never said if you are on any medication and now I feel stronger to shout back at him and retaliated and have found hes now a bit more understanding I always say to him your not exempt from having Panic Attacks and you know the good old saying what goes around comes around and I am a strong believer in that. Try and say strong x
mandylou28
21-08-10, 11:45
Hi Ann and Kerry.
I have the same problem with my husband he doesnt understand at all really he was patient the first time i had a panic attack, but now ive felt rough for around 3 months with dizziness etc and dont want to go anywhere or do anything and hes getting very annoyed with me. He just tells me its in my head and to ignore it and get on with stuff...................easy for him to say eh! So when im having a bad day i have to try and struggle through on my own trying to act normal in front of him. it is very hard.
xx
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=77695
Ask him to read this. Its funny and well written and it might help him to understand you more.
Hi,
i just wanted to get all this off my chest as i dont know what else to do. I have had panic attacks for nearly 4 yrs now and also have agoraphobia. i have been very aware that my agoraphobia is getting worse over the last few months so have been really trying to get a hold of it before it takes over my life any more than it already has. A few days ago i decided i was going to go somewhere this wkend and this place is about 12-13 miles from my house. It meant going down the motorway for about 10 miles.
Anyway, my bf is fully aware of my problems and says he will be supportive. In the past, before he understood panic attacks/agoraphobia, he has reacted very badly to my panic attacks; for example if we drove somewhere then i said i was having a panic attack and had to go home, he would get really angry and irate. He now understands that was wrong and says he won't get angry anymore, and that we will just pull over and give me some time to calm down before carrying on. Well, this morning we got to the motorway junction and i felt really anxious, i decided i wasnt ready to get on the motorway yet and asked him to go home. I said I would go back in an hour or so. He didnt shout at first but i could tell he was annoyed, then he started driving really fast, when i asked him to slow down he wouldnt. we ended up having a row and i said we should split up because i obviously can't trust him to stay calm whilst im having a panic attack, and that in turn is making me more anxious. He said he wouldnt get angry if i was at least trying to sort myself out but i'm not even making an effort, at the first sign of a panic attack i just turn round and go home, he said i'm never going to get better and I'll be like this all my life.
i know he's right but i can't seem to get rid of this fear of panic attacks, it doesnt matter how logically i think while i'm sat at home, mid-panic attack all logic goes out the window. Now i dont know what to do because i am scared to live on my own, i think my panic attacks would get worse, but i just dont think he is capable of remaining calm during a panic attack. if he can't stay calm when i'm not having a panic attack, how can he possibly stay calm when i am having one? We've been together for 4 years btw. I've lost touch with most of my friends because of my panic attacks and my mum doesnt live particularly nearby.
sorry for rambling on, i just feel like i'm stuck in a rut and im going further downhill all the time and i just dont know what to do. I've had CBT and read a few self-help books but I'm still no better. :weep:
Bless you. It is hard for other halves, let's face it, everything we go through is irrational, we don't understand it, do we, so how can our family, friends be expected to? So I suppose, for me, its education. I tell my other half everything I am feeling, and that he is being supportive just by standing by me, but there is no point him trying to rationalise it or tell me what he would do in that situation, he is not me. All I can do is try and do my best and look for positive solutions, this is best for me, and it also shows him that I am trying to get better and deal with things. But it will be baby steps to begin with.
Are you on meds? I am on Olanzapine which is strong, like Diazapam, but it isn't addictive. It has made a huge difference to me, I also have just started seeing a counsellor once a week, just straightforward counselling, not NLP or CBT for example. I know these attacks, come from stuff in my past I thought I had dealt with. So I am going for the 2 pronged attack, meds initially, but counselling with it. She specialises in anxiety, as well as being a counsellor which covers many areas.
Make sure you see your GP regularly, change your meds if things aren't working, or if you aren't on anything and you feel you need some help, have a chat with your GP and go on something for a while. Keep us posted hun. xx
How awful for you all. I am lucky enough to have a very supportive husband and I can't imagine how much worse it must be with someone that reacts like that. I'd like to tell your partners off myself!
Hi everyone,
thanks so much for all your replies. Emz, you are so lucky to have such a supportive husband. Keep hold of him!
Kerry, sounds like your fella is pretty similar to mine. I suppose if you look at the positives, it's good that he went to your psychiatrist with you as it shows that he wants to try and understand it and help you. I'm sure we all know that we bring it on ourselves but that doesnt make it any easier to stop it! I wish i could just snap out of it but if it was that easy i would have beaten this god awful things a long time ago, as would everybody else.
I read that post about the supermarket and could not stop laughing... that is so me!! It's funny because it sounds so ridiculous and yet it sums up exactly how I feel and think when I go into the situations i'm scared of.
Mandylou, sounds from your post like you havent been suffering from anxiety/panic for too long (although I know even 1 hour of panic can seem like a lifetime). I've had panic attacks for 4 years now and I wonder if it would have gotten so bad if I had dealt with it as soon as it started happening. For this reason I recommend that you buy 'Panic Attacks' by Christine Ingham and 'Self Help for Your Nerves' by Dr. Claire Weekes. They are both brilliant books and may help you a lot. There's also a section in there for friends and family which may help your husband to understand. My bf hates reading so I know there's no point in even asking him to read it!!
I'm not taking any medication at the moment although a couple of years ago I went on a low dose of propranalol for about 3-4 months. That was more for general (constant) anxiety than panic attacks, and it did help me a lot to relax. i have considered going back on them but to be honest I'm scared to. I hate taking tablets and although I have taken them before, I still don't like the idea of taking them. I think it's because sometimes I feel as though I can't get enough air (caused by anxiety) and I know asthmatics arent supposed to take them so I think I'm worried that I will feel breathless and put it down to the tablets rather than 'just' anxiety, which will make me panic even more. If that makes sense! I'm sat here now with a banging headache from crying all morning:blush: but wont take any painkillers!! silly i know.
Anyway I've explained to my bf why he upset me so much and he apologised and said he would try to stay calm in future and not get angry with me, but I can't help feeling that he resents me for restricting his life like this. He says he doesnt but it must be difficult to live with someone who panics and has agoraphobia. I just dont know what to do - i dont want to split up but I feel bad for putting him through this and I also feel as though I can't trust him to stay calm. It's as though I know that if we are out together and I start panicking, I know he will pull over and give me some time to calm down and for the panic to pass, but he won't allow me to turn round and go home. Or if he does, he'll be mad about it. Technically, that is what I should be doing (waiting for it to pass instead of turning round and going home) but is it as beneficial if I feel kind of forced into it?
Hi Ann
Your post really struck a chord with me. I've had panic and anxiety for 2 years now.
However, because the feelings come and go, I think that there are times where my husband (as much as I love him and I know that he loves me) tends to forget what I'm going through! It's silly things, like wandering off to look at something in the supermarket while I'm loading things on to the checkout. I've had to remind him on occasions that I do feel panicky in queues at times and could he please not go off when I need a bit of support!!! Also, we had a family wedding last year which I wasn't looking forward to because of anxiety and low confidence, but he just got annoyed that I didn't want to go, which I felt was unfair. I did go and I managed fine (was dead proud of myself that day), but the point was that I felt I wasn't being understood, which hurt to be honest.
I know that the way we feel is downright irrational and that only a fellow sufferer truly understands, but if our nearest and dearest can at least try and empathise with us, it makes the world of difference.
I fully understand how you must be feeling. I've recently started to feel a bit 'wobbly' when outside which might be a bit of agarophobia, but I'm working at beating it. I also told hubby the other day that I've been feeling a bit low in confidence of late so hopefully he will take this on board. Part of my problem is that I'm too good at putting on a brave face at times!
You take care now. xx:)
Hi,
Just read your post and I thought I would add my 2 pence worth in.
Its mainly to agree with everyone really.
I would say go back to your GP and try to get some meds like citalopram or something, even though you say in your first post you dont like taking tablets, I try and view it the same way as when I take a vitamin pill, its just something to keep us on 'the straight and narrow' except on a mental plain rather than a physical one.
Also, regarding your partner, its a difficult one as its important to have supportive people around you, and on the other hand, its difficult for them to understand as one day, in your case, you can drive a motorway and be fine, and then the next day, feel dreadful, so some sort of mutual understanding is needed. (tho i will say speeding up when you ask him to slow down seems a bit mean to me!)
@Baggie. I always get jittery in queues!! How weird that I can do a shop fine and as soon as I have to stand still at tghe checkout the legs go to jelly, I sweat like mad and go dizzy!! I wonder what would happen if we had a no more panic xmas party...I bet it would be like the outing on the film One Flew Over The Cuckoos nest..(no offence meant anyone but if we dont laugh we will cry right?)
Hi Reggie
Yeah, it's really strange because like you say, I can go around the supermarket fine but once I hit the checkout I can feel jittery, hot and bothered lol. The weird thing is that I'm not always like this in queues, only sometimes.That's what can be so frustrating. Fine one day and maybe not the next!! I was at Tescos this morning doing a small shop and I breezed through. Maybe the fact that there was only one person in front of me might have helped. :)
By the way I just love 'One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest'. Really good film.
I wonder what would happen if we had a no more panic xmas party...I bet it would be like the outing on the film One Flew Over The Cuckoos nest..(no offence meant anyone but if we dont laugh we will cry right?)
That tickled me, we do have to laugh, don't we. :winks:
Ann - Do go back to your GP, as said before, we don't think anything of taking a vitamin pill, so if you need some help, you need some help, just to give you a bit of clarity and feel a bit stronger to cope. xxx
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