Why do I feel like this?

[Spudgun]

I'm 26 years old and for my whole life have thought that every little little thing was going to kill me. Over the years I've thought I've had testicular cancer, hodgkins lymphoma, bone cancer, brain tumour, throat cancer, bowel cancer. I've been for chest x-rays for chest pains etc... Have you noticed a pattern? My doctor has diagnosed me with anxiety and suggested hypnosis, but at £60 a session with 5 sessions recommended I just can't afford it!

For the last 7 months I've had lower back pain on the left-hand side. I've been to to the doctor, I've been to orthopaedic and a month ago I had facet joint injections. Its probably all my fault since I'm big and a year ago I decided to turn my life around and since then I have lost 5 stone. The diaognosis was postural and if I lost weight it would get better I was told. To be fair it's not quite as bad as it was, but it really is unpleasant with the different sensations and all that.

The thing is I can never fully believe them and that something terrible is happening to me. Its lingering and everyday when I get up and its not better I get very low. I then questiuon whether its my back at all and start getting worked up that its a problem with my kidneys. Because I've been working hard on losing the weight, I keep asking myself if its really me doing the losing or if its BECAUSE something terrible is happening to me. I mentioned this to my doctor who said he was sure it wasn't. I'm in terrible fear that they have missed something and that I'm going to die. Christmas was terrible because I convinced myself it was my last one. I keep telling myself if it was something really bad that it would have got even worse, but I'm just sick of the whole thing. I keep thinking back to a holiday I took with my partner a few weeks before this kicked off where I was so happy and I well up just thinking about it and want to feel like that again. I just can't see an end in sight.

I constantly lay awake at night, worrying, panicing, going hot and cold with fear with 'what ifs', 'nobody cares what happens to me', I want to be normal again', 'its not fair' , why me. Sometimes I feel so afraid I feel sick.

I've read that stress and anxiety can prolong such problems like mine and can sometimes keep them going or even cause things like this. Am I keeping it all in my head? Have I recovered but my brain is hanging on to it?

I get upset and angry because my father has been through so much, back injuries with stuff similar to me, heart attacks, bypass operations and yet he's happy and not in a pit of despair like me. I want to be like him!

I've stopped googling now because I know it's the worst thing you can do, but I still have the powerful memories of what I've read.

[jackie]

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=reading

I CAN TELL YOU YOU ARE SOOOO NOT ALONE. HAVE YOU READ CLAIRE WEEKES BOOK, SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES. I THINK IT WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT FEAR IS DOING TO YOU. MANY OF US HERE HAVE THE SAME FEARS. YOU WILL GET THE BOOK FROM THE ABOE PLACE
JACKIE

[katyfitz]

believe me you are NOT alone. everyday since sept 2005 i have thought something serious is wrong with me, 'is it right to wake up feeling like crap' no its not but the doc reasurrres me its the anxiety, 'is it right to feel lightheaded' its because my doc says im not breathing properly but i am i say and he says your not, i keep saying its a brain tumour he says believe me its not. i look for things thats wrong with me to explain why i feel how i do cause its not right to feel like this with nothing wrong, but apparntly it is. Who more can i believe then my family doc of 11 years. on christmas eve i worked myself up so much to beleiving i wasnt gonna wake up on xmas morning that i had to say my goodbyes (it sounds stupid now) but back then i was feeling ill. i still cant believe i feel how i do and im not diagnosed with anything. please tell me you understand what im saying cause i understand you 100%

[molly15]

hi there you are 1 of many people on here who are going through the same fears including myself.you will get lots of support here and make some friends . take care marcia

i have to do it for my kids if not for myself marciaxx

[Lozzie]

Hi x

Welcome to the forum x

You are not alone, there are lots of people with the same symptoms.

If you ever need to chat feel free to pm me.

You will get lots of great advice and make new friends here:D

Take care,
Laura

[jennifer304]

Hey guys! I can't believe that I actually found this site with so many people suffering from the same thing as me. I was starting to think I was going crazy. You see, I am 35 and I have high blood pressure. I have had it for 3 years now. It is also controlled with meds but is that good enough for me? no! I am constantly thinking that I am having a heart attack, stroke, cancer anything that would cause a sudden death. I fear being alone with my kids. What if I pass out or die? I even taught my 3 and 4 year old how to dial 911 in case mommy falls and can't speak to them. I get a pain in my head, that's it I'm going to have a stroke or annurism. I can't stand living like this. It really takes all of the joy out of living. And even though, I recognize how unrealistic these thoughts are in hindsight, I can't control them as they happen. Which is almost all the time. I am releaved to knoe that htere are others who are tourtured like me. I read that someone's father had bipass surgery etc. and doesn't have a care in the world. That person wanted to feel like his father. I can relate to that b/c my parents both have high blood pressure both since their early thirties , aunts and cousins also. My aunts are both well into their 80's and cousin in his 60's. My parent's also. Not one of them has a care in the world. They travel, have a great time and truly live live. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel that way again? where did that person go?

[Spudgun]

Thanks for your kind words and support. I've been kind of panicy today, hence my long post.

I'm starting to notice a pattern. I feel much less pain on a Saturday and feel quite good, then it feels a little worse on the Sunday and then Mondays I feel awful, get tearful and get panicy. I don't know if its because I subconsciously worry about going back to work. I do an office job which gives me opportunity to think about things.

I do quite a technical job and like to solve problems, but when there's not much on my brain keeps going, but then turns to thinking the wrong things.

I find the media really does not help. The other day I was flicking through a copy of the Sun and turned a page and there was a double page spread on NHS blunders. That set me off a bit.

Thanks for the tip on the book. I've ordered a copy so we'll see how it goes.

[jennifer304]

Hey guys, I am new at this but I will tell you something. These forums are helping to take my mind off things. It feels good to finally let it out and know that others understand. God knows my husband doesn't. He tells me that I invent these things b/c I have too much time on my hands and I just need to worry about something. I'm glad to know that someone understands.