W.I.F.T.S.
27-02-06, 12:37
I've felt horrendous for the last 3 years. At the moment I'm at the phase of obsessing about death everyday. I'm scared of everything. I read about Paul Gascoigne, Kerry Katona or Robbie Williams talking in the papers about how depressed they are and how they go to Arizona for rehab and I think 'I couldn't fly', 'I couldn't go that far away from home, I'd have an horrendous panic attack'.
I feel that in every part of my life I am in a lose-lose situation. I really hate my job, but I can't leave because there is no other work about and even if I found another job I'd feel scared because it's new and they might expect something from me. I have trouble with my girlfriend, but I can't finish it because I'll be really lonely and i haven't got any friends. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying.
I do try and reason with myself. I know things are going a lot better for me now. I've got some idea of the direction that I want to go in, I'm developing interests. I've taken up an unpaid role as Social Coordinator at my local health club. I'm more confident in many ways than I used to be.
My biggest problems are feeling unreal. I've had it really bad in the past and now it's just slightly there, but it's disturbing. Obsessing about death is pretty bad too. If it isn't my own death then it's a loved one. Every night when I come in from work I brace myself ready to be told that someone has died. I have all the normal health anxieties about having a heart attack etc. I have the despair that I will never be happy, that I will never be able to do the things that normal people do like having kids, going on holidays and a place of my own. I feel miserable because I find it really difficult to get enjoyment from anything. I'm generally reall tense, anxious, panicky and hysterical. I get sweaty palmed just sitting here on the computer. One of the worst things though is not wanting to accept the way things are: the nature of life and death, the world. I worry about the world stopping spinning. I feel like I don't want to play this game.
The wierd thing is that I know I've been worse than this in many ways. I used to go for long walks around the block to try and burn off the adrenaline of a panick attack. I used to hide anything sharp from myself in case the sight of it caused me to impulsively hurt someone with it. I used to wear gloves in the house because I had an urge to pull my eye out. But then, at the same time, I was able to drive to London without too much trouble.
I know that I'm reacting in an hysterical way and that my reaction is much bigger than the problem. I know that I just have to accept things and try my best to live in the here and now, it's just so difficult.
I find it really frustrating that I have faced so many of my fears (and there was nothing to it), but I'm still so afraid of doing those things.
I'm really thinking of doing hypnotherapy or something.
I don't condone drugs, but I have done ecstacy (which works on Seratonin) and it was amazing how all my aches and strains disappeared and how much more lively I was. They really should find a way of making the drug safe for depressives, because I've had Prozac and I had an horrendous time on that. The one thing that taking E says to me is that feeling so achy is as much to do with your state of mind as anything.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
I feel that in every part of my life I am in a lose-lose situation. I really hate my job, but I can't leave because there is no other work about and even if I found another job I'd feel scared because it's new and they might expect something from me. I have trouble with my girlfriend, but I can't finish it because I'll be really lonely and i haven't got any friends. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying.
I do try and reason with myself. I know things are going a lot better for me now. I've got some idea of the direction that I want to go in, I'm developing interests. I've taken up an unpaid role as Social Coordinator at my local health club. I'm more confident in many ways than I used to be.
My biggest problems are feeling unreal. I've had it really bad in the past and now it's just slightly there, but it's disturbing. Obsessing about death is pretty bad too. If it isn't my own death then it's a loved one. Every night when I come in from work I brace myself ready to be told that someone has died. I have all the normal health anxieties about having a heart attack etc. I have the despair that I will never be happy, that I will never be able to do the things that normal people do like having kids, going on holidays and a place of my own. I feel miserable because I find it really difficult to get enjoyment from anything. I'm generally reall tense, anxious, panicky and hysterical. I get sweaty palmed just sitting here on the computer. One of the worst things though is not wanting to accept the way things are: the nature of life and death, the world. I worry about the world stopping spinning. I feel like I don't want to play this game.
The wierd thing is that I know I've been worse than this in many ways. I used to go for long walks around the block to try and burn off the adrenaline of a panick attack. I used to hide anything sharp from myself in case the sight of it caused me to impulsively hurt someone with it. I used to wear gloves in the house because I had an urge to pull my eye out. But then, at the same time, I was able to drive to London without too much trouble.
I know that I'm reacting in an hysterical way and that my reaction is much bigger than the problem. I know that I just have to accept things and try my best to live in the here and now, it's just so difficult.
I find it really frustrating that I have faced so many of my fears (and there was nothing to it), but I'm still so afraid of doing those things.
I'm really thinking of doing hypnotherapy or something.
I don't condone drugs, but I have done ecstacy (which works on Seratonin) and it was amazing how all my aches and strains disappeared and how much more lively I was. They really should find a way of making the drug safe for depressives, because I've had Prozac and I had an horrendous time on that. The one thing that taking E says to me is that feeling so achy is as much to do with your state of mind as anything.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.