Just a little bit of history repeating....

[silenticecream]

Hi everyone, whilst I have only just registered with the site I have been using its links and lurking on the forums for several years, and just want to say what a fantastic resource it is for anyone that is experiencing mental turmoil. So, on that note, I was hoping that I might be able to avail of your collective wisdom :D.

I have suffered from varying degrees of depression and anxiety since my teens, and whilst I have been able to live a fairly normal, if at times socially limited life as a result, there have been several instances in my life when I have basically retreated from everything and hidden myself away from, well, life really. My CBT counselor described this as "chronic avoidance", a fairly apt description, and it something is deeprooted in my personality and I have to fight with everyday, like conquering an addiction I suppose. Im guessing that a lot of you have experienced stuff like this before, so sorry for the longwindedness!!

The point is, I was unable to finish my masters degree dissertation 3 years ago because of these issues- I had done all of the reading, and made a decent plan, but everytime I tried to write I was overwhelmed with feelings of dread and physical sickness. I ended up with long paragraphs that literally didnt make any sense, and said even less. Long story short - I am now back at uni and am experiencing exactly the same things again. I know this is related to perfectionism which is in turn related to low self esteem, and I know that the best way to deal with this is to confront the negativity as it emerges, but I just feel helpless at the minute. Worse- it feels like I am actively encouraging this failure in order to cement my withdrawal from everything, everybody, removing any chance of future discomfort and distress. Yup, it makes sense in a morbidly logical way, when you become introspective your own twisted thoughts become your entire world. And I hate that.

Im just looking for some advise and/or some kind words, even if only to tell me to stop the black and white thinking! I have about three weeks to get it done and I can afford to basically flunk it and still pass- my marks for the rest of the course were good, despite everything. I just have such strong feelings about it - I know that this is linked to wanting to run away, not engage with lie or take responsibility and all that. I think that CBT is fantastic, and has helped me reintegrate with society again, but I just feel once more that this has so much of who I am in it - just a bloody essay, I know, but at the mo I cant separate this from those black thoughts that we all get.



Btw, my dissertation is on the early work of JG Ballard, and how it is linked to Surrealist art and Jungian thinking. No wonder im struggling here! The idea of emerging from the grips of neurosis is key to it- maybe Im too personally involved with this! I have a meeting with my tutor on Monday - I wont be avoiding this like i did last time, though it seems like history is repeating itself and im not strong enough to redirect its path. Ill hopefully have something to show her then.

Just writing this has actually helped a lot. I just hope I can transfer this into the essay.

[Chem]

silenticecream I could have written most of this - except your dissertation!

You have great insight into what is happening so I won't go through all that. Just a suggestion that helped me to finally make it through my course. Write your essay. It doesn't matter if it's 2,000 or 10,000 words. They are your words and your work. Then ask a friend to go through it with you. Preferably someone who doesn't know the subject, so they will be asking what you mean, or telling you your sentences don't work. Having someone there to focus you whilst you edit will hopefully provide the concentration and moral support you need. Send it to me if you like! PM if you'd like my email.

You know you can do this - you just have to let yourself. Good luck xx

[silenticecream]

Hey, thanks for the reply. Thats definitely good advice, I think that sometimes you just need to look at the cold hard facts rather than catastrophise a situation that can be controlled. And by you I mean me ;op. Ill do what I can over the weekend and show it to my brother - an accountant who basically told me to prepare to polish the turd and hand it in! Its just that what i have written is literally a small, confused mess. Like a poodle in a puddle. Gotta focus, stop procrastinating and... try to sleep. Thanks again for the kind words

[Chem]

Good luck with it! I won't be here this weekend, as my daughter's getting married, but any time after that..........:)

[silenticecream]

Just a quick update - ive been pretty much floored by nausea/dizzyness/ bloody mindedness this weekend. Literally hours spent glaring at the computer screen, the words seem like hieroglyphics. Im trying to make progress, its a subject that I understand and normally enjoy, its just that Im feeling pretty desperate right now. This happened almost exactly the same way 3 years ago, I dont know what ill do if things keep going this way. Im thinking that I could make an appointment with my gp this week, but that kind of feels like hoping for salvation in a nice little capsule. I still have time, I just feel embarrassed and pretty useless. All I can think of is how much relief I would get if i just ran away, temporary though it would be. Am going to go back and have a look now, feel almost overwhelmed thinking about it. This has been hanging over me for so long...

I misheard a lyric once from a band called Helmet - petty news/ is only your bad news. Its amazing how something so small can be blown out of all proportions if it chimes with deeper problems within your personality. Ive managed through undergrad and the start of the post grad. Its not that im not cut out for it, past evidence contradicts this. It that its become this damn monster, all my insecurities and fear for the future/ self-hatred/ ability to brutally criticize myself but fear being judged by others...all this stuff has been transferred into pathetic minor circle of hell. It feels good to rant incoherently sometimes :yesyes:. Just want to say thanks again chem, the support is definitely welcome. Being so self absorbed at the minute, its nice to hear/ read another peep.
PS, i wish writing my diss was this easy! 300 words in 10 minutes

[Alex33.33]

It sounds strange, but sometimes it's good to look back on all the things that haven't happened. Think back to those moments when you felt despair or anxiety or agoraphobia, and think about what hasn't happened. A) You didn't die B) You didn't hurt anybody else c) You didn't throw your chances away....
If you do this you can look back at the thousand heart attacks you never had, the hundreds of times you didn't collapse or black out, the times you kept going or stayed put, when your body and mind were doing all they could to make you give up.
By doing this, sorry for the corniness, it should make you feel like a 'strong person despite' rather than a 'weak person because'...Hope you finish your work. I left Uni after my first panic attacks when I was 18, turns out it was probably the best thing I could have done. I started somewhere else the next year, made friends for life, thought many times about giving up during the 'witching hours' and forced myself to keep on. Now in my thirties, still having panic attacks, still anxious, still have bad times, but I've done ok for myself and although I struggle to see the good in me, others do, and really that's the greater thing. Better than being hated and thinking your great I suppose. I ramble and digress...

[Veronica H]

''The point is, I was unable to finish my masters degree dissertation 3 years ago because of these issues- I had done all of the reading, and made a decent plan, but everytime I tried to write I was overwhelmed with feelings of dread and physical sickness. I ended up with long paragraphs that literally didnt make any sense, and said even less. Long story short - I am now back at uni and am experiencing exactly the same things again. I know this is related to perfectionism which is in turn related to low self esteem, and I know that the best way to deal with this is to confront the negativity as it emerges, but I just feel helpless at the minute. Worse- it feels like I am actively encouraging this failure in order to cement my withdrawal from everything, everybody, removing any chance of future discomfort and distress. Yup, it makes sense in a morbidly logical way, when you become introspective your own twisted thoughts become your entire world. And I hate that."

:bighug1:I feel your pain, as I was in pretty much the same position a few years back. I think you have covered all the possibles above...so now stop over thinking your over thinking, and get on with it you big brain box.:D.

Veronicax

[silenticecream]

Hey Alex, sometimes corniness works- right now I have eye of the tiger on my mp3 player :winks:. You are right, of course- my problem is that I am nearly 30 myself now, ever since I left school in the middle of my A Levels more than 10 years ago I have made similar bad decisions, based upon irrational feelings perhaps, but bad decisions nonetheless. While I always found away to get back on my feet, it feels like my luck is running out and im about to get caught out. But ill keep with it, churn out the words, think of the cake that ill reward myself with. Have any of you played the computer game portal? hehe

Thanks veronica too, flattery gets you everywhere :yesyes:. Seriously, knowing people have been through similar stuff before has to be the best thing about this site, more so than all the links to therapies/ medication etc. So, a bit more reassured, got a bit done last night, kinda cut and paste stuff rather than an essay. Must stop catastrophising :ohmy:

[Razi]

I never managed to get past university. I went 4 times and every time I failed going into the second semester. I got 7 A's and 2 B's for my SPM which is equivalent to the O-Level. This problem is killing me.
depression, panic attack, Agoraphobia, Social Phobias, etc. I have them all, just name it.

[silenticecream]

God Razi, I dont know what to say! When I was an undergraduate I got the whole spectrum of marks, from high 80s to barely scraping through. Didnt matter how hard the course was (got my highest mark for an essay on bloody Milton), if I was in the grip of depression and panic the potential for screwing up was high. Then I left 3 years ago without telling my supervisor because i couldnt handle the pressure, or deal with all my fears and hostility towards myself.
So im nearly 30 now and will hopefully finish my masters within the next 3 weeks. But..i guess the point that im making is that I probably would have encountered the same problems over and over again had I not experienced CBT, and got support. Maybe look at doing it part time? It wont be as intense, and the hours are more forgiving- if you have to shut down for a time and cant cope, there may be some leeway in terms of time/ deadlines etc. God, im currently almost ballsing up my own chances at the minute, i prob shouldnt be giving advice! I know its not as easy as saying "You can do it", or "if you want something bad enough you can get it". But maybe they can be starting points. I dont want to presume anything cos I dont know ya, or what youve been through, but I hope you can get the help you need, and that you can get be rid of this nightmare.

[silenticecream]

Chem, hope you had a good weekend and cried plenty of happy tears:)!!! Have written 4000 words in a couple of spurts recently. Is still merde, but as you said, at least it my merde. Will probably need an extension, but I can do this- despite what I tell myself with every second thought.

[Chem]

Hi. The wedding was lovely, bride beautiful and I have just spent a happy week looking after my little grandson.

Have you got that essay written yet? Try thinking two positive thoughts before the negative! lol. Congratulations on writing 4000 words. Now sit yourself down and write the rest :hugs:

[silenticecream]

Hey, glad to hear you've had a good week. Have always dreamed of myself as a blushing bride :winks:...maybe I should discuss this with my counsellor? Hehe, slow going at the moment, am pretty wired to tell you the truth, unbelievably agitated, kind of like on the brink of a panic attack but just not quite taking that step into it. Like Ive just had a lot of red bull. Ive had this before when I feel Im losing control, the higher functions shut down, my theory is that Im subconsciously forcing myself to stay awake for so long that my day is disrupted and Im too tired to work. Think my mind is struggling to cope with the pressure Im putting on it. But this is but a minor setback im sure, am determined to get over the finish line even though it will be a stumble, rather than a run. Ta for the cyber hug, feel better already. Takes deep breaths, progressively relaxes mus..........zzzzzzzzz

[Chem]

How much more have you got to do? Can you break it down into paragraphs or sections? Write them down and tick them off as you do them, so you can see some positive, concrete achievement.
Are you afraid of the future? Of what comes next after you finish this degree? It can only be a place of less opportunity and choices if you don't get done. You may decide never to use it or think of the subject again, but it'll be under your belt, you'll know you made it and without panic overcoming you.
You're doing a great job. Keep going! :bighug1:

[silenticecream]

Hey my cyber muse :winks: You are absolutely right about the fear of the future thing. Sometimes I think that I am deliberately prolonging the agony for as long as i possibly can in order to give my self a self-defeating sense of purpose! Although Ive never really been big into drugs, I definitely have an addictive/ avoidant personality (probably why ive avoided them lol). Other than looking for work, maybe a holiday, no major plans. But im hardly unique there i guess!!!

So, am about half way through my first draft, taking a quick break now before I go back in. Am hoping to do finish up a chapter tonight, send it to my tutor tomorrow and crack on with the rest. It will be more tangled than spaghetti, but hey I can work on it again. The uni are aware of my issues, I have arranged an extension on medical grounds (the last thing I wanted to do, but I need it), I just need to focus. Trying to relax, reduce physical symptoms, start writing crap (which, as you can see, is a skill of mine :shades:)

Its all about momentum now, its thinking about this and other stuff that paralyses me. Immersion therapy, right? Thanks for the support, it really is helping :flowers:

[Mazzmate]

Hi all, I am devastated today, really upset and afraid again. I came back from a lovely week away, went to fantastic wedding then on to Scotland to visit relatives and really enjoyed it all. Came back Wednesday and during the evening started to feel slightly agitated, went to bed thinking just tiredness from travelling but woke up Thurs feeling awful like I had a bug...stomach burning and feeling nauseous, bit better Friday but yesterday not good and today had a really massive anxiety attack like I haven't had since last October when all this started. I have been making slow but sure improvement on 10mgs Citalopram, Propanalol and bit of Valium for the really rough days....of which there haven't been many, but today do I feel awful. I feel I have gone right back to the beginning and I have cried like a baby today, my BP has gone right up due to the anxiety and that scares me...even though my common sense tells me why its high and that it will come down once the anxiety diminishes. Just want some reassurance please that this is just a little blip along the way. Can anyone help me please. :scared11:

[silenticecream]

Hey Mazzmate, hope that you're feeling a bit better today. I can only speak from personal experience, but ive hit so many temporary roadblocks over the years that im thinking of attaching a car bumper to my head. Im sure that this is all it is, you have an awareness of your condition, and have shown all of your symptoms are connected to the anxiety. It will pass, I promise, and you will get back on your feet. The wonderful people on this forum are testament to the ability of people to recover from all of the crap that the illness throws at us, and you will too. Counseling helped me a lot, my black days arent nearly so bad, and the good days are more frequent.

Just to be selfish for a bit :blush:, I had a meeting with the university counselor on monday, and this has honestly helped me a lot. Im still brutalising myself over what ive written, but Im focusing on getting rid of this bloody neurosis thats hanging over me. Its a challenge, not a hurdle :shades:. Finished my first chapter today :yesyes:. Two weeks after my tutor wanted a draft of both chapters, intro and conclusion, but hey, its still progress. I have 2 weeks to finish up, and as long as I can keep the baying hounds of doubt from my mind, for the first time in 3 years I can say that Im really confident I can do this. :D Is still pretty crap, but not failing crap, I think. Will be speaking with my supervisor for the first time in a while tomorrow, am pooping myself, but i can do this.

Btw, sorry for being so self-indulgent. My private hell isnt as nasty as some other peoples, I know this. But writing like this, verbalizing what im thinking, is therapy in and of its self. So I appreciate your patience!