Kipepeo Girl
27-08-10, 00:57
I was due to move out of my parents' house for the first time about four months ago, with my brother and his girlfriend. Then a week before I was due to move they split up and my brother moved out. So me and this girl were stuck as, although it's a two-bedroomed place, really we needed three people to live there to afford the rent. She said her friend wanted to move in and that they were more than happy to share a bedroom. So they did, but on my new moving in date I fell ill with a stomach bug, which then led me to feel more anxious and not want to move. So we decided that I would pay my share of the rent, but not actually move in until I was ready.
About a month ago they told me they were both moving out to a bigger house where they'd be allowed to have dogs, but it wouldn't be for a while and I was 'welcome to come'. I wouldn't have though, because it would probably have been quite far from my parents' and I have a phobia of dogs. My dad told me I should move over there anyway for about a month, just for the experience, and in case I liked it enough to want to go with them - or in case they ended up not moving after all.
So last Monday I finally plucked up the courage to go for it and go over there (the majority of my things have been there since April anyway). But last Wednesday the friend gave a month's notice because she's returning to college in September and won't get any housing benefit while she's there. So now we're back to square one, but my brother's ex said that if we can get help with the rent through HB, then the two of us could just stay there, or if not, she had a few friends lined up who she could share a bedroom with. I asked if she was OK with that and she said she definitely was (the room is big enough for two double beds with plenty of space left over).
Then a couple of days ago she said she was moving out because she couldn't afford the rent (despite not finding out if she can get help). But she said she would stay if I moved out because she would move two friends into my bedroom - because she didn't want to share a room with someone again.
But then the next day (yesterday) she said she definitely wasn't moving out because she had nowhere else to go. She said she wanted to know what I wanted to do because she had a couple of friends who were interested in moving in. I said we should still see if we could get help with the rent and if not, we could ask one of them to move in. But she replied that she didn't want to share her room, but her two friends would share mine. I jokingly asked if she wanted me to move out (though I know that this was what she wanted). She laughed and said 'no, of course not'. However, in the next couple of minutes she said the sentence 'I'm not asking you to move out but...' about three or four times, without being able to finish it. And then her friend (the one who's just given in her notice) chimed in, saying that there was no point me moving in if I was just going to go back to my parents' during the day. She had a point as, at the moment, I've been going there at night, going to bed, and then going to my parent's shortly after I got up. But I explained that once I was moved in properly I would spend more and more time there, as I got more used to being away from home. But they both said it was pointless and pressed me for an answer so the two new potential flatmates could know what was happening. I realised that they - or in particular, my brother's ex - had already decided that I would be leaving and she had mentally already moved them in.
I've kind of left her hanging with my answer, but I have decided just to cut my losses and return to my parents'. It's obvious she doesn't want me there, and now I don't really want to stay. I'm actually at my parents' now because she told me, this morning, she was having a party for her friend's birthday tonight. She didn't ask me if I minded that she was having a party, she just told me she was throwing one, so that I was prepared in case I couldn't sleep because they were too noisy. When I said I'd probably stay here she agreed it would be for the best, then told me I was welcome to come to the party.
But the thing that upsets me - that's making me feel sorry for myself - is that she is the first 'friend' I've had in six years. I pushed my school friends away a little after I started experiencing panic attacks because I was too embarrassed to have one in front of them. And the fact that the first and only 'friend' (I use the quotes because we're not really friends, but she's the closest thing I have to one) I have doesn't want to live with me. I've only been there a week and a half and already she wants me to move out. I just feel so unwanted and rejected, and like I'm not worthy of being someone's friend. I know I'm probably blowing things all out of proportion but I just feel so lonely and unlikeable, and like it's not worth me trying to make any friends in the future because they'll only reject me too.
I applaud anyone who read all that, but I just needed to get it out.
About a month ago they told me they were both moving out to a bigger house where they'd be allowed to have dogs, but it wouldn't be for a while and I was 'welcome to come'. I wouldn't have though, because it would probably have been quite far from my parents' and I have a phobia of dogs. My dad told me I should move over there anyway for about a month, just for the experience, and in case I liked it enough to want to go with them - or in case they ended up not moving after all.
So last Monday I finally plucked up the courage to go for it and go over there (the majority of my things have been there since April anyway). But last Wednesday the friend gave a month's notice because she's returning to college in September and won't get any housing benefit while she's there. So now we're back to square one, but my brother's ex said that if we can get help with the rent through HB, then the two of us could just stay there, or if not, she had a few friends lined up who she could share a bedroom with. I asked if she was OK with that and she said she definitely was (the room is big enough for two double beds with plenty of space left over).
Then a couple of days ago she said she was moving out because she couldn't afford the rent (despite not finding out if she can get help). But she said she would stay if I moved out because she would move two friends into my bedroom - because she didn't want to share a room with someone again.
But then the next day (yesterday) she said she definitely wasn't moving out because she had nowhere else to go. She said she wanted to know what I wanted to do because she had a couple of friends who were interested in moving in. I said we should still see if we could get help with the rent and if not, we could ask one of them to move in. But she replied that she didn't want to share her room, but her two friends would share mine. I jokingly asked if she wanted me to move out (though I know that this was what she wanted). She laughed and said 'no, of course not'. However, in the next couple of minutes she said the sentence 'I'm not asking you to move out but...' about three or four times, without being able to finish it. And then her friend (the one who's just given in her notice) chimed in, saying that there was no point me moving in if I was just going to go back to my parents' during the day. She had a point as, at the moment, I've been going there at night, going to bed, and then going to my parent's shortly after I got up. But I explained that once I was moved in properly I would spend more and more time there, as I got more used to being away from home. But they both said it was pointless and pressed me for an answer so the two new potential flatmates could know what was happening. I realised that they - or in particular, my brother's ex - had already decided that I would be leaving and she had mentally already moved them in.
I've kind of left her hanging with my answer, but I have decided just to cut my losses and return to my parents'. It's obvious she doesn't want me there, and now I don't really want to stay. I'm actually at my parents' now because she told me, this morning, she was having a party for her friend's birthday tonight. She didn't ask me if I minded that she was having a party, she just told me she was throwing one, so that I was prepared in case I couldn't sleep because they were too noisy. When I said I'd probably stay here she agreed it would be for the best, then told me I was welcome to come to the party.
But the thing that upsets me - that's making me feel sorry for myself - is that she is the first 'friend' I've had in six years. I pushed my school friends away a little after I started experiencing panic attacks because I was too embarrassed to have one in front of them. And the fact that the first and only 'friend' (I use the quotes because we're not really friends, but she's the closest thing I have to one) I have doesn't want to live with me. I've only been there a week and a half and already she wants me to move out. I just feel so unwanted and rejected, and like I'm not worthy of being someone's friend. I know I'm probably blowing things all out of proportion but I just feel so lonely and unlikeable, and like it's not worth me trying to make any friends in the future because they'll only reject me too.
I applaud anyone who read all that, but I just needed to get it out.