Jason37
27-02-06, 16:00
Hello. My name is Jason and I'm 37 (as you may have guessed). I'm totally new to No More Panic, I only discovered it today.
If this isn't the right place to post this, would someone kind please tell me and I'll move the post - thank you.
Here's my story. A week before last Christmas (2005) my wife told me she had met someone else, which had made her realise how unhappy she was being married to me, and she wanted to end the marriage. In fact she wanted me to move out. We have 2 brilliant kids (I know every parent thinks so, but they really are) - a son of 10 and a daughter of 6. I didn't move out because I wanted to be there for the 2 of them, which I have been as much as I possibly can ever since. We haven't talked to them yet, as I would prefer to have something concrete to tell them about what's going to happen, but I know time is running out.
We have to sell our house and find new places to live.
We had been married for nearly 12 years, and together, with one short break-up, for 18 years. You don't have to be a mathematician to work out that's been the whole of my adult life. Now solicitors are involved and the divorce process is under way.
Now, 10 weeks on, I carry around a deep-rooted anxiety almost all the time. Everything makes me feel afraid to the pit of my stomach, and nauseous. The biggest fear is how the children will feel when we tell them they have to leave the only home they've ever lived in, and how they will feel about the idea that they won't have me (or her) there any time they want. I can almost feel their fear and uncertainty as the foundations of their world so far start to shake. I will do anything I can to help them, but I'm frightened it will not be enough to stop them suffering.
The future is also so scary it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide. The idea of being on my own - I'm not good at being alone at the best of times - makes me go cold all over sometimes. I already miss having someone 'special' to refer to, and ache so much for some affection from somewhere that I want to cry. I feel bewildered and lost every single day. The idea of having another relationship at any point feels alien and unachievable, I don't feel like I fit anywhere, or with anyone. (I did love her.) I change between thinking I have a lot to offer someone, to thinking why on earth would anyone want someone so broken and with such a lot of emotional baggage.
In the aftermath of Christmas (Christmas Day was the worst day I've had) I wanted to end my life it hurt so much. Of course I couldn't get any further than that thought because I have 2 responsibilities who need me now and for years to come, and who I committed to being there for.
I started a new job in January, which also carries a lot of responsibility, and I am doing my level best, but sometimes I think the worst and what would happen if it doesn't work out... I try very hard not to think about it.
I cannot talk to her because her anger and caustic put-downs still scare me (that's really great for the male ego, that...), even though there is nothing left to lose; and because I get so angry and upset about it all myself, that my feelings would betray me if we spoke. Whenever I get a text, unless I know who it's from, my stomach ties in knots and I feel sick, in case it's her texting to say she's going to be out all night again, and make me feel in pieces all over again, for hours. I can't stand someone having this power to hurt me.
I feel guilty about so many things - what a betrayal I am going to perpetrate on 2 innocent people who deserve none of it; how angry and resentful I feel; the many failures I must have racked up over the years to get her to this point (and nothing is ever one-way, I know); how difficult I find it to go on when I should just reason my way out of it; and more.
It's not like I don't have support from people; I do - although I suspect I am likely to wear most of it out soon; I am sensitive to becoming a perpetual whinger. Although you may not think that, having read this post.
Unless I take a One-A-Night Nytol (I really do
If this isn't the right place to post this, would someone kind please tell me and I'll move the post - thank you.
Here's my story. A week before last Christmas (2005) my wife told me she had met someone else, which had made her realise how unhappy she was being married to me, and she wanted to end the marriage. In fact she wanted me to move out. We have 2 brilliant kids (I know every parent thinks so, but they really are) - a son of 10 and a daughter of 6. I didn't move out because I wanted to be there for the 2 of them, which I have been as much as I possibly can ever since. We haven't talked to them yet, as I would prefer to have something concrete to tell them about what's going to happen, but I know time is running out.
We have to sell our house and find new places to live.
We had been married for nearly 12 years, and together, with one short break-up, for 18 years. You don't have to be a mathematician to work out that's been the whole of my adult life. Now solicitors are involved and the divorce process is under way.
Now, 10 weeks on, I carry around a deep-rooted anxiety almost all the time. Everything makes me feel afraid to the pit of my stomach, and nauseous. The biggest fear is how the children will feel when we tell them they have to leave the only home they've ever lived in, and how they will feel about the idea that they won't have me (or her) there any time they want. I can almost feel their fear and uncertainty as the foundations of their world so far start to shake. I will do anything I can to help them, but I'm frightened it will not be enough to stop them suffering.
The future is also so scary it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide. The idea of being on my own - I'm not good at being alone at the best of times - makes me go cold all over sometimes. I already miss having someone 'special' to refer to, and ache so much for some affection from somewhere that I want to cry. I feel bewildered and lost every single day. The idea of having another relationship at any point feels alien and unachievable, I don't feel like I fit anywhere, or with anyone. (I did love her.) I change between thinking I have a lot to offer someone, to thinking why on earth would anyone want someone so broken and with such a lot of emotional baggage.
In the aftermath of Christmas (Christmas Day was the worst day I've had) I wanted to end my life it hurt so much. Of course I couldn't get any further than that thought because I have 2 responsibilities who need me now and for years to come, and who I committed to being there for.
I started a new job in January, which also carries a lot of responsibility, and I am doing my level best, but sometimes I think the worst and what would happen if it doesn't work out... I try very hard not to think about it.
I cannot talk to her because her anger and caustic put-downs still scare me (that's really great for the male ego, that...), even though there is nothing left to lose; and because I get so angry and upset about it all myself, that my feelings would betray me if we spoke. Whenever I get a text, unless I know who it's from, my stomach ties in knots and I feel sick, in case it's her texting to say she's going to be out all night again, and make me feel in pieces all over again, for hours. I can't stand someone having this power to hurt me.
I feel guilty about so many things - what a betrayal I am going to perpetrate on 2 innocent people who deserve none of it; how angry and resentful I feel; the many failures I must have racked up over the years to get her to this point (and nothing is ever one-way, I know); how difficult I find it to go on when I should just reason my way out of it; and more.
It's not like I don't have support from people; I do - although I suspect I am likely to wear most of it out soon; I am sensitive to becoming a perpetual whinger. Although you may not think that, having read this post.
Unless I take a One-A-Night Nytol (I really do