Please someone slap me around the face with a wet fish!

[heavenly]

Hey guys

Its my first day back at work tomorrow after having 2 weeks off, since suffering with a 48 hr panic attack. I have been pushing myself just a little each day, lots of long walks, lots of exercise, went into town on my own one day, scary but did it. Have settled well on Olanzapine, have Rescue Remedy in my bag and am seeing a Counsellor, so am doing all I can, I feel.

But for the past 2 weeks, I have had no responsibilities, if I felt a bit weird, I could do what I wanted, and cope with it, how I wanted. So with going to work tomorrow, I know they are expecting me, (puts instant pressure on me, stupid, I know!), I don't want to take any more time off, don't want to be given the sack, don't want to let my sister down (she is one of the Managers and is keeping from everyone else at work what is really wrong with me and she says, its my business, people at work know I have been suffering with some form of IBS over the past month so that is the party line, and I do have an appointment at the hospital next week because of the IBS, so its not a lie, just another thing wrong with me! :wacko: I just feel I am putting her in a position, if every now and then, I suddenly have to leave work. It is my younger sis that looked after me past 2 weeks, she has been through something similar, but my older sis, who I work with, is the total opposite, she is the practical one and gets uncomfortable if you talk about 'feelings or not coping).'

Also, there are NO negatives with work, I like it, its local to where I live, its part time, I like the people.

So WHY does this annoying voice in my head keep whispering to me

'oh dear, you have work tomorrow, you won't be able to leave if you feel ill'

'you can't not work'

'they may sack you if you keep being off'

I am annoying myself! I am actually looking forward to getting back to some sort of normality and to work, so WHY am I doing this to myself??

Any advice and/or wet fishes to my mush, gratefully received. :blush:

[angels22165]

Hiya, I do not know why we torture ourselves this way putting negative thoughts in are minds, you will probably get to work and after the intial start feel ok, its just the build up of going. I was off work in Jan for 6 weeks with anxiety now the GP has signed me off again for 2 weeks, I feel the same about when I have to go back too, all I can say is just try and not get too eat up about it and take each minute slowly and calmly, sorry cant offer any really good advice. xxxx

[lizzie29]

To be honest, people I know WITHOUT anxiety often feel a bit apprehensive about going back to work after time off. The thing I find is - try not to worry about being worried (if that makes sense!) Also, tell yourself that you are in control. You can have a bottle of water which you can sip if feeling anxious - or you could put your rescue remedy in the water. Tell yourself you can nip to the toilet if you need a couple of minutes to calm down. You are totally in control. Try to break the day down - look at it as so many hours til lunchtime, rather than the whole day. Then once you've done half the day, it's only half again.

I'm sure once yo get there you'll start feeling better. Try to focus on the bits of it you're looking forward to, and tell anxiety to stop bugging you! Good luck! x

[heavenly]

Thanks for the replies. Really kind of you both. :hugs:

Luckily, I only work to 12.30pm on a Tuesday, so yes, will break down each half hour, I think. There is free mineral water on tap there, so I will make sure I have plenty of that, I can pop outside whenever I need to, there is no problem with that.

What a tw*t I am, I actually don't mind at all going back but I am trying to scupper it!! :doh:

My sis working there, in one way, is actually a bit of hinderance really, with me not being well. The sis part of her is worried about me and doesn't want me not going back to work as she doesn't think its good for me to stay at home, and of course, she is right. But the Manager part of her has to be professional and if I keep taking work off a lot, she has to look at the situation with the other Managers, like she would, if I wasn't related to her. So this is another mini-hurdle I keep to get over, I worry about her, when I should be focussing on looking after myself. Another little thing my Counsellor picked up on in our sessions! :blush: Which is a good thing, I need to know where these anxiety attacks are stemming from, a lot of delving to be done!

[jaded jean]

Hi Heavenly .
Firstly-A kipper is better!!! The anx voices are normal, they are in your head , but once you start focussing on your work they will disappear believe me they wont stay with you , Just carry on, dont over burden yourself you will be fine , I only do part time now after 8 months off , Its difficult I know but never beat yourself up about it you will get there. With your sister being manager will she let the others know you had a severe panic attack? I am very open with my problem and will adjust my day accordingly. I wont take work home with me either.
Good luck to you you will be fine.
Jean

[alicegreen]

I personally have found it a lot easier since i opened up and told people im suffering from anxiety and depression. Not everyone understands, but all have been kind.
It might be easier for you to deal with if the people at work knew why you had been off?

No wet fish from me, i think that you have done amazingly well to get back to work so soon!
Good luck x

[heavenly]

Thanks guys, mmmm I like kippers! :D

She didn't want to presume I would want anyone to know, I think, so just told everyone it was the IBS, which is part of it. I think she wanted to leave it to me. I will see how I get on tomorrow and rest of week, I will play it by ear on who I tell. Obviously close friends know what is happening to me.

Had a good day today, me and other half walked about 4 miles I think, legs are aching but its good for me, lots of fresh air and exercise!!

Hope everyone has had a calm Bank Holiday...if there is such a thing...:scared15:....and I will post on here tomorrow with update! xxx

[alicegreen]

Good luck for tomorrow heavenly, I will be thinking of you and sending calming thoughts your way. x

[jaded jean]

I'm with Alicegreen on this one too Heavenly. good vibes and good luck you will be fine-not like me I just cry at anything hahaha
Jeanxxx

[alicegreen]

Oh Jean, me too at the moment!
Earlier I sobbed myself silly all because my eldest son, who is 16, advised me to go to bed as I looked so tired and pale:wacko:

I do find a good cry does help though so I am going with it right now and blubbing everywhere. I actually cried whilst sitting in Sainsburys waiting for my prescription this morning, and the pharmacist offered me a private room to wait bless him!

[jaded jean]

Oh what good service In Sainsbury's lol.
And your son telling you that!! most boys of that age arent aware you exist unless they want something haha. you are right about having a good cry tho its a good release, I was doing it at least twice a day.:weep::weep: But better now I just curse a lot!!

[so shaky]

All the best for tomorrow heavenly :) i honestly think that sometimes i spend more time energy and emotion worrying about doing some things thatn it actually takes me to do them when the time comes :doh: I really find guided meditation cds help me to relax and clear my mind of repetetive thoughts - perhpas you could try one of those :)

[heavenly]

Thanks everyone.

Had a wobble not long ago, all because of work tomorrow, SO ANNOYING! Took one more Olanzapine tonight, I normally only have one a day.

Will take one first thing and see how I go, rest of day. Its so frustrating, I have been ok for over a week and just because I have work tomorrow, which I enjoy, that horrible feeling tried to creep in tonight, it scared me.

I am keeping everything crossed I can eradicate those thoughts in the morning and have a good half day at work. xxx

[jaded jean]

Good luck Heavenly-- do let us know how you get on,remember nothing to be ashamed of, in fact you now have more strength than others dealing with this as well!!:hugs::hugs:Jean

[heavenly]

Well, I am here..at work...and I am stil alive! :ohmy: lol

Did get a mini anxiety attack late last night and couldn't get to sleep til about 2am, but then slept through to 7am and was wide awake! So got into work an hour early, when sis saw me, she thought her watch had stopped, I am not an early riser normally! :blush: I have been ok this morning but just goes to show, that last night, how powerful the brain can be! Stupid negative thoughts put me into an anxious state and then this morning arrived, I am at work, keeping busy, really nice seeing everyone, and I am ok...not great...but ok, which is a minor miracle that I have surivived this morning, I can tell you, after how I felt last night!

Next mini hurdle is tomorrow night, other half is away on business for the night, and night times are the worst for me, if I am not feeling well, so younger sis is round for a takeaway and I just need to make sure I can sleep tomorrow night after she goes.

Isn't everything a blooming effort when you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Things that so many people (including myself in the past), take forgranted!

Anyway, am seeing my nephew when I finish at 12.30pm, its nice and sunny so don't want to be in at home on my own.

Onwards and upwards for tomorrow and rest of week! Thanks everyone for the support and I hope everyone is having a calm day. xxx

[jothenurse]

Good job.
I don't like being by myself either at night. Distraction helps me a lot. Watching tv, reading. You'll do fine.

[jaded jean]

Same here Heavenly.
I even get up early so I can chat to my hubby before he goes to work at 7,then I set off I am there half an hour before anyone else!!
Well done for today , you might feel a little a little tired starting back but dont worry it will soon disipate. good luck!
Jean:yesyes:

[heavenly]

Hi guys. Had a really nice afternoon, went for a bite of lunch with my nephew, sat outside in the sunshine, then popped back to watch a dvd and niece popped round as well. My lovely niece said she will kip round at mine tomorrow night so I am not on my own. So I have a plan in place! I am working all day tomorrow but I will stay positive and distracted and am patiently waiting for a relaxation cd to arrive in the post so I can put it on my Ipod, will be perfect for drifting off to sleep, or if I am out somewhere, I will have it on me just in case. Another plan!!

Have a lovely calm evening everyone. xxx

[alicegreen]

well done heavenly, im so proud of you!
I hate being alone at night too and have that to face in a couple of weeks, but like you my friends and family have promised to support me and be with me.

I honestly am so impressed that you were able to get back to work just 2 weeks after that terrible 48 hours, it really gives me hope!X

[silenticecream]

Try to avoid swordfishes. Thats all im sayin' (from painful personal experience :winks:).

[heavenly]

Swordfishes! Blimey, tears to my eyes...:ohmy:

Well I was a little anxious last night though not as bad as the night before. Its the 2nd day at work, and a full day today and knowing that other half was not coming back home this evening, so not surprising I was still a little anxious last night. I need to stop beating myself up, as if I am going to be cured after only a week or so on meds and only being just over a couple of weeks since that awful 48hr episode. Baby steps!!

It was a fairly good day! I really need to be working, its only 3 1/2 days a week and not stressful, and today just showed me, that its good for me to be out of the flat, be busy doing something else, mixing with people, having my mind taken off things. So at the mo, am taking 2 x 2.5mg Olanzapine, instead of the usual one. As its a big step for me going back to work so soon, so I am going to be kind to myself and keep taken the extra one, until I feel I can go back to one.

Half day work tomorrow and counselling in the evening. Looking forward to my third session.

Sis round tonight for takeaway, niece coming round later on to spend the night. I am keeping everything crossed that tonight is just a little less anxious than last night was, that is all I can hope for, as I said....baby steps!!

Hope everyone is having a calm day today and thanks for all the support. xxx

[alicegreen]

Hey, you are staying really positive heavenly, and like you say ut really us early days.
What time of day do you take the olanzapine? Ive just been given that to help me sleep. Are you taking any diazepam or finding that you dontneed them on the olanzapine?

[jaded jean]

Onwards and upwards Heavenly watch out for the stingy jellyfish let alone the sword fish, good oon your family for the support too.:winks:

[heavenly]

Hey, you are staying really positive heavenly, and like you say ut really us early days.

What time of day do you take the olanzapine? Ive just been given that to help me sleep. Are you taking any diazepam or finding that you dontneed them on the olanzapine?

Its a constant tiring battle, but its so vital that I stay positive, keep thinking positive thoughts, get out in the fresh air, listen to lovely music, keep active at work..etc...

When I was off work, I didn't take my Olanzapine til lunchtime. But with work this week, I have taken one first thing, and then one about 8pm. Seems to have done the trick, I had a good night's sleep last night, had a lovely time with niece kipping over. So the mini wobbles I had Tues and Wed night, I didn't get any last night!

I am not taking any Diazapam at the mo (but have some tucked away) but I saw my GP today, she is very impressed with me, with work and coping etc...she told me if I get another attack, like I did Tues night, that I should take one Diazapam on top of my Olanzapine, as Olanzapine is slow releasing but Diazapam is fairly quick. She has given me 3 months' supply of Olanzapine today, which is good, as I feel more calm when I have it on me. So 1 or 2 Olanzapine a day, depending on what I am doing, and if I get any sort of attack, add 1 Diazapam.

Have my 3rd counselling session tonight and am looking forward to that. And other half is back from Glasgow tonight.

Thanks for all the support guys. xxx

[heavenly]

Counselling went well last night and I have managed all 4 days back at work this week! :yesyes: Feel really relieved and proud that I did it, next hurdle is hospital appointment next Thurs. My anxiety attacks caused me some IBS/tummy problems, my GP wanted to err on the side of caution, so appointment with a specialist was made. Great. :wacko: Other half is coming with me, and I am going to accept that I may get anxious but I have a plan, other half with me so support will be there, diazapam in the morning, rescue remedy in bag, I will get through that appointment as I will keep telling myself that I got through this week, which I didn't think I would!

Hope everyone is well and calm today. xxx

[heavenly]

So, halfway through my 2nd week at work and so far so good! Last week, took 2 x 2.5mg Olanzapine a day, instead of 1, as I was anxious. But this week, I have gone back to 1 tablet, don't want to start relying on taking 2.

I have hospital appointment in morning as I had IBS/tummy problems leading up to my whopper of a panic attack and GP wanted to be on the safe side. So I am prepared, Rescue Remedy will be in bag, other half is coming with me, and I will have Diazapam if I need it. But I see it as a challenge, and not a hurdle, hurdle to me is a negative word. If I can cope with work, I can sure as hell cope with a hospital appointment even if he does have to shove a camera up my bum. My other half said he hopes its not one with a tripod, could be a painful! :ohmy::D

Counselling is going well, and I am learning to cope with this, every day, trying to learn a bit more about myself, and why these things are happening to me, and hopefully one day, these attacks will be a distant memory.

Hope everyone is having a calm day. xxx